Repeat Failure

My dreams of academy success have been shattered again.  Apparently when my advisor called to reschedule my class, she did not look closely at my overall records.  Due to failing my last course, I have been dismissed from the university again.  I have the option to write an appeal letter to try and get re-instated.  The question is:  do I really want to do that?  Do I really want to try and get back in school and finish?  My mind obviously was not focused enough to get the work done.  Right now, I don't know what the best option is.  I have reached a point in my life that I never thought I would encounter.  I have reached a point where I continue to fail.  Failure never was an option in the past.  As I sit here today, I have learned to accept repeat failure.

Always on the Mind

I was walking through the store a couple of days ago and passed a jewelry holder.  I immediately had an idea of who would absolutely love the item.  I returned later to purchase the item and a gift bag to put it in.  It's time like that which remind me of how much you can care for someone.  When you reach a point in time where songs on the radio trigger thoughts of a person, you are into that person.  When you are driving and see a car like theirs and it makes your heart beat fast, you are into that person.  When you constantly wonder where a person is and what they are doing because you simply want to spend time with them, you are into that person.  The person is always on the mind and you should let he/she know they are constantly in your thoughts.

Temptation

We are all tempted throughout our lives.  How we react to the temptation helps define us as individuals.  Ever since we started having money problems due to my wife's unemployment, I have been tempted by different offers.  Let's take yesterday for example.  I received 3 offers in the mail even though my mortgage is two months behind and my car note is currently past due.  The first offer was for a credit card with a $1000 limit. I have not used credit cards since I went through debt consolidation years ago.  The second offer was from a local loan company.  The letter said I could get $2000 cash in a matter of minutes.  The third offer was the best of all.  It came from a local car dealership.  I was pre-approved for up to $35000 toward the purchase of a new vehicle.  Not bad for a guy who can't pay his bills on time.  I guess the good news is that I learned long ago how to not fall prey to temptation.  

What Does it Really Cost?

I was initially going to title this blog entry "The Best Things in Life are Free."  I thought about that title and what I wanted to say.  I discovered the two contradicted each other so I made a change.  What does it really cost?  I've been thinking about this all day because I wanted to come up with a cost for friendship and love.  You can't buy friends or love.  I don't care what anyone says.  You can invest money into the idea of someone being your friend.  You can buy things in an attempt to make someone love you.  You cannot buy friendship or love.  In order to be a true friend, you have to let down your defenses.  You have to let someone into your life intimately.  The same concept holds true for love.  In order for someone to love you, you have to give that person a part of your heart and your soul.  Once you make that decision, there is no going back.  That part of you belongs to them forever.  So going back to my initial question.  What does it really cost to be a true friend or to love someone?  It costs you to lose a part of yourself so you can become one with someone else.

Take Responsibility for your Actions

I've decided on the need to expand a little bit about the outcome of Halloween 2012.  As you may have learned in my previous post, we were asked to leave our location because of reports of too much noise coming from our room.  At the time of the second complaint, I was actually asleep.  Knowing the people in the room at the time, I came look to one person in particular for being loud.  I need people to take responsibility for their actions.  If you know you are naturally loud and have been asked to be quiet, your priority should be adjusting your voice level.  Getting upset and talking trash does not resolve the issue.  I could not be upset about what happened.  We deserved to be asked to leave.  I am simply upset the problem could have been avoided if someone acted like an adult and took responsibility for their actions.

Halloween 2012

This year's Halloween gathering was nothing short of hilarious.  I got see some old faces who I had been missing and a newcomer came to our event.  Things started off as usual but the end was like nothing we have ever experienced.  I finished my day at work and left the office.  I stopped to get some gas and some bags of ice.  I headed to the hotel and met up with one of the other party organizers.  We checked in and started to set things up.  My newcomer called and said she was en route.  She arrived and we continued to set things up.  The other organizer showed up.  At this time, we decided to go downstairs to the bar.  My newcomer was hungry so she rode with me to pick up the pizza and wings.  We met another party goer upon our return. She had arrived with rotel and cupcakes.  Once back in the room, the foolishness began.  We started drinking and acting silly.  My newcomer received an emergency phone call and had to leave.  I walked her out and hopped in my vehicle to go on a battery run.  A few more guests had arrived.  Later in the night, the representative from the front desk knocked on the door.  Apparently someone complained about the level of noise coming from our room.  We agreed to tone it down.  We continued to play games and act silly.  Two more young ladies showed up and we continued to have fun.  I decided to remove myself from the drinking part of the party remembering what happened last time.  I decided to go lay down.   I had a great conversation with one of the guys about my potential and what I should be looking to do with my life.  After that I was joined in the bed by one of my female friends.  We ended up dozing off while the others continued to play games and talk.  At about 430a, we received a call from the front desk.  Another noise complaint.  This time things were a little more serious.  Two noise complaints in one night equals getting put out of the hotel.  We started to pack our things.  As we were packing and cleaning up, the lady from the front desk arrived with 2 officers.  We continued to pack up under the watchful eyes of the officers.  We started a conversation with them and actually started laughing and joking with them before leaving.  We loaded our cars and went home.  Now as long as we have been having Halloween parties or any party for that matter at this location, we have never told to leave.  I guess there is a first time for everything.

WTF Moment - Hoochie Mama

I took my kids to a community trick or treat event last night.  There were plenty of youngsters there in various costumes:  superheros, villians, pirates, princesses, aliens, skulls and angry birds.  One family did the entire cast of the Wizard of Oz.  While walking around the event I saw something which blew my mind.  A young lady, mid 20s at best, walked past us wearing some of the shortest shorts I have ever seen.  They were so short she tried to pull them down as she walked to cover her legs but to no avail. Add to that the fact she was wearing a spaghetti strap top and there you have the complete hoochie mama ensemble.  WTF?  Who wears something that trashy to a family event?  Needless to say, she was there without a child.  I was so disgusted by her appearance that when we came across her a second time, I told my kids it was time to go.  I did not want to expose them to that trash any more.  I did not want my daughters thinking that dressing like a hoochie mama in public was appropriate.  She was not the only one dressed poorly.  There were several other ladies wearing low cut shirts - low to the point they had to keep tugging to keep from having a wardrobe malfunction.  Once again, WTF?  Why did you walk out of your house going to a public, family oriented event dressed like a whore?  I guess some people have no self respect.

Another Chance

My student advisor called me yesterday and told me that we needed to reschedule my last class.  She explained that because I failed the class my GPA fell below 3.0 and that I may have to take an additional class to graduate with the required 3.0 average.  The class is not available again until November 20.  That will be another chance to achieve my goal.  That will be another chance to prove to myself what I am made of.  Many people don't get a second chance at life.  I have to make sure I don't blow this one.

Limited Education

Being the person I am, I often take for granted the limited education of others.  I work in a technology field and expect those who work with me to have more than a basic knowledge of computers, internet, email, etc.  I have to remind myself that the minimum requirements to get hired for a job are a super basic knowledge of computers and internet.  The rest, supposedly, can be taught during training.  The same holds true when dealing with the nephew.  I take for granted he is 22 with the mentality of a 17yr old.  I encouraged him to open a checking account as well as a savings account to help manage his finances.  It now seems that he has questions every week about banking.  I take for granted that with his limited education, dealing with him is like dealing with another child rather than an adult.

I saw Death around the corner

We lost one of our dogs on Thursday.  I knew she was sick and hoped to get her to the vet Thursday but we were too late.  All the signs were there but I chose not to act because I felt we could not afford a vet visit.  Granted the dog was old, I thought part of her behavior was just related to her age.  Normally she would go outside every morning with the other dog to use the bathroom but for the last week or so she would not.  She chose to pee in the house in various spots.  She was not eating or drinking water.  The tell-tale sign that should have jumped out at me is that she was throwing up.  She was so sick that when she did throw up, she wouldn't even move from the spot.  She just laid there.  The kids are aware of our loss.  The 3yr old was told by my wife that the dog is gone to be with God.  The other 2 are old enough to understand death and are dealing with it.  I regret losing that dog.  I regret seeing Death around the corner and not being able to stop it.

Scared

This is a text conversation between my wife and myself.

Her:  I'm scared
Me:  Why?
Her:  I feel like I've ruined us and I'm scared I can't fix it.

Now I find it amazing that over the course of the last 5 months when I have tried talking, begging and screaming at her to take our situation seriously, my wife seemed to care less.  The mortgage company sends a letter in the mail stating they are ready to start foreclosure procedures and now all of a sudden she is scared.  She is right to be scared.  I can't get us out of this situation by myself.  Either she is going to step up or we are going to get put out.

Help from a Surprising Source

We may have come across a way to get back on track with our bills.  My sister in law is willing to loan us some money to help get things caught up and to prevent our mortgage company from starting foreclosure procedures.  Hopefully this will be the break we need to try and turn things around.  I have to admit, I was at my wit's end.  I had no idea what to do to start repairing the damage to our financial situation caused by my wife's unemployment.  I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that this help from a surprising source is enough.

Never Have I Ever

Never have I ever been in a financial bind like the one I am currently facing.  I've had situations where bills have gone past due.  I've had situations where an organization calls daily for payment.  I've had situations where past due bills have been turned over to a professional debt collector.  But never have I ever been worried about losing my house because we have never been this far behind on bills.

WTF Moment - We Got Robbed

This past Wednesday my wife sent a strange text message.  She asked if I had the Nintendo Wii.  Now there have been a couple of times I have taken the console out of the house but I always made her aware so she would not worry.  This time, I did not have the console.  The kids did not know what happened to it.  We checked with the nephew and he had not seen it either.  Only one possible solution.  We got robbed.  Someone came into our house and took the Wii.  WTF?!  The funny part about it is that it must have been a child because all they took was the console and the cords.  They did not grab any of the accessories.  They did not take the dvd player that was sitting next to the Wii.  They did not grab anything else in the house but the Wii.  I hope they enjoy it.

Sharing My Experiences

I stopped at WalMart on my way to work the other day to grab some glucose tablets.  I picked up 5 assorted flavors and header for the register.  The cashier looked at the tablets and asked if I took them for energy.  I explained to her that I am diabetic and I take them when my sugar gets below normal.  She looked at me and said, you look good to be diabetic.  You must take good care of yourself.  We continued to chat for a minutes and I provided her with as much info as I could in the timeframe.  I feel that was a great opportunity to share my experiences and point someone in the right direction.

WTF Moment - Thru the Window

I have training all this week at my full time job.  Yesterday afternoon while I was in training, I received a call from my wife stating she had locked herself out of the house.  First of all, it was 230p.  No one was home but her and the dogs.  Why would you pull the door up behind you if you were going out and coming back in?  It's not like we have infants at the house.  So I explained the trainer I needed to head home and would return in about 30 minutes.  While en route to the home she texted me and said she got in the house.  My question was how.  After a brief delay, she informed me that the little boy from across the street climbed thru the window and let her in.  WTF?  Really?  So you have now let these people know that they could enter our house at any given time.  Sorry, I don't trust my neighbors with that type of information.  So my next home improvement project will be to make sure all the windows are secured and can't be opened from the outside.

Can't Win Regardless

The manager at my part time job was out of town last week.  During his absence, I felt we did pretty good.   Our food cost was good.  We exceeded projected sales.  We even managed to save man hours.  But this was not good enough.  His boss had to find something to complain about and we all know how the trickle down effect goes.  It's times like that when I feel I can't win regardless.  Despite all the good things that happened, the company chose to focus on the one bad thing.  Whatever happened to celebrating success?

Stop Being Selfish

This past Sunday I was home cutting my hair during my down time between the two jobs.  My wife decided to come into the bathroom and strike up a conversation. Bad idea.  While we were talking she asked what did I think about her currently.  I told her I would rather not address that question at the time because I did not want to cut my with the razor due to being aggravated.  We kept talking and she said something about what she wanted.  It was at that point in time when I told her my thoughts.  I told her she was being selfish.  I told her she needed to stop thinking about herself and start thinking about her daughters.  I told her I did not enjoy getting phone calls daily from bill collectors and not being able to set up payment arrangements.  She just did her usual.  She dropped her head and didn't respond.  Typical and selfish.  Rather than address the issue, she hopes it will go away or I will fix it.  Problem is, I can't fix her.  She has to want to fix herself.

Sometimes I Hate Being Me

There are times in life when I really wish I could be someone else.  There are times when I wish I was not the person everyone tries to make me out to be.  I am currently looked upon as a leader and a go to person.  I'm dependable.  I'm consistent. Take for example the fact that our store manager went out of town on vacation this week.  In his absence, the assistant manager, the other 2 shift leaders and myself are in charge.  Last night all four of us were at work.  With the manager being out of town, we shifted our usual Friday night job responsibilities around.  He called me and asked how things were going.  Sales were down and labor cost was high.  Before I could tell him I was not the one running the shift like a typical Friday, he told me to fix the problems.  So at that point in time, the burden fell on me.  I started making adjustments to try and turn things around.  I tried to get the assistance of the other management staff but they were too busy with personal stuff to help.  I got things fixed to the best of my ability.  But those are the types of situations that make me hate being me.

It's About How You Say It

I went to pick my kids up from daycare today as I normally do.  There was a bill invoice attached to one of their folders to let me know how much was owed.  When I open the invoice, I was not surprised by the total of $929.  What shocked me was the handwritten message on the invoice which read "A payment must be made today. Thanks."  I grabbed my girls and walked out the front door.  I put them in the truck, turned the radio station to Disney and walked back in the building.  I wrote a check for $279 to cover at least one week of daycare and some field trip fees.  The owner looked at me and stated, "I hope you didn't take that message the wrong way.  I was discussing your bill with --- this morning when she printed the invoices out.  I guess --- took it upon herself to add the handwritten part."  I looked at her and said, "no problem.  I understand this is not a free service and payment must be made."  What I didn't say to her was how pissed I truly was at the situation.  It's not the fact that you needed to remind us to make a payment.  It's the way the message was conveyed that got under my skin. 

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

This should have been my last week of online classes.
This could have been the final step before earning a Masters Degree.
This would have been a time to celebrate if I wasn't so weak.

WTF Moment - No Money, More Problems

I was cutting my hair last night when my wife walked into the bathroom.  She said she needed to tell me something that would probably make me mad.  She asked if I wanted to hear it then or later.  I told her to go ahead and spill it because I was less likely to get truly aggravated while cutting my hair because I would not mess up my looks dealing with her.  She informed me that she overdrafted her account by paying for some school pictures that our daughter took this week.  What the fuck?!  How do you knowingly spend money that you don't have when you have no source of income?  More importantly, why overdraft your account on something that you don't need?  Who does that stupid shit?  She continues to dig us a deeper financial hole and now she is starting to pull dirt in on top of us.  I'm tired of trying to climb out and drag everybody with me.  I think I am at the point where either we are all doomed or I am going to do everything I can to save my girls.  To hell with the wife.  She's not worth the effort of trying to save anymore. 

She Doesn't Want to Work

Yesterday morning I had a conversation with my wife about our current financial state due to her unemployment.  She went to take the kids to daycare and run some "errands."  She sent me a text stating she had applied for a job.  Last night we were talking again and I asked her how many other jobs she had applied to in recent weeks because I had been sending her positions I thought she was qualified for.  Her response was "none."  She couldn't even look at me when she talked.  She told me that she wanted income but did not want to have to deal with deadlines and quotas.  I told her that even if she was self-employed she would have to meet somebody's deadlines by providing a service or product.  So now that she finally came out and said it, I told her she might as well start preparing herself to lose everything we have.  Simply because she doesn't want to work.

Different Look, Same Person

I had to go the my doctor's office today to change an appointment due to some training at work.  Normally, my doctor's visits are scheduled on work days so I show up in a button down shirt and tie.  Today was my off days so I was wearing a graphic tee, some jeans and a pair of walking shoes.  One of the nurses who usually works with me had this confused look on her face.  She stated, "so this is how you look when you are not at work?  I like the casual you a lot better.  I usually feel like I have to fix my posture when you come in looking all professional in your business attire." We laughed and joked for a few minutes about the difference in my appearance.  I always find it amazing how we can sometimes be oblivious to how much attention people give us.  I never would have thought the nurse would have pointed out the difference in my appearance because I am still the same person.