Tight Teeth

I have a gap between my two front teeth.  Years ago, I chipped one of them and had to see a specialist about getting it repaired.  The doctor suggested veneers to cover the tooth.  He also told me he could close the gap between my teeth as part of the procedure.  I told him he could narrow the gap.  I explained the gap was a part of me because I have had it since before I was school age.  Fast forward to today.  I was at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned.  The nurse was trying to floss in between a pair of my back teeth and she encountered a problem.   She commented that I had tight teeth.  Considering I have a gap between my two front teeth, for someone to say my teeth are tight seemed like a joke.

Test Results

The nurse called me from the doctor's office today with the results of my cholesterol test.  Everything checked out fine.  No signs of any problems.  She actually commented that one of my cholesterol levels was the best she has ever seen.  I'm happy to hear that.  It's good to know at least one aspect of my life is in order.

Having These Thoughts of You

Any one that truly knows me will tell you I am an avid fan of R&B music, particularly 80s and 90s.  Often times I find myself spending hours on youtube listening to classics by artists such as Keith Sweat, New Edition, Jodeci, SWV, Blackstreet, Troop and many more.  For some reason today, I got the song "Thoughts of You" by Changing Faces stuck in my head.  No matter what I did, I couldn't shake the song.  The song was on repeat all day in my head and I kept thinking about one person.  The lyrics to the song rang true to my heart.  For those of you who don't know or don't remember the song: 

I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you

I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you

I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you

I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you

I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you
I'm having these thoughts of you

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you
Thoughts of you going through my heart again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

I try hard to relax when I try to get right through it
My mind says no but my heart says do it
And I really don't know why, why I feel this way
Heart is pounding in and out, up and down
There I go having thoughts of you

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you
Thoughts of you going through my heart again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

Don't get me wrong I really like what I'm feeling
You soothe me inside your love I can't deny
I'm just not used to love coming this way
The way you walk, you move and talk
There I go having thoughts of you

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you
Thoughts of you going through my heart again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you
Thoughts of you going through my heart again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

You're always on my mind all the time
You're always on my mind, oh yeah
You're always on my mind all the time

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you
Thoughts of you going through my heart again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

Post #300

I was looking at the number of posts I have made to this blog on yesterday.  This marks #300.  I have actually sat down and posted 300 different thoughts about my life and my world in just over a year.  I have shared triumph and defeat.  I've shared the good and the bad.  Post #300 marks another milestone in this journey of my life.  Now the question is:  when will I reach post #400?  Only time and the events of my life will tell. 

Oxymoron

I needed to have one of my prescriptions refilled. It required doctor's authorization so the pharmacy called my general practitioner.  The medication is for my cholesterol.  I have not had a cholesterol test run since the beginning of the year so the doctor wanted to see me.  My appointment was for this morning.  I was instructed to fast last night in preparation for the test.  No food after midnight.  That was a challenge because I am usually up snacking at the time of night.  I made it to the appointment and went thru the motions.  Weight, blood pressure and breathing were fine according to the nurse.  The doctor came in and we talked about the reason for my visit.  He looked at my vitals and his exact words were "You are a very healthy diabetic."  Healthy diabetic?  Now that has got to be one of the best oxymorons I have ever heard.

Battling My Disease

This past weekend was kind of rough in regards to dealing with my condition.  In hindsight, I think things could have gone better if I had been a little more proactive.  My blood sugars ran high almost the entire weekend.  The scary part was that at one point when I thought it was low, a quick meter test showed quite the opposite.  That meant my sugar had been high for so long, I was unable to distinguish hyperglycemia from hypoglycemia.  I kept taking medicine and nothing seemed to work.  It was not until yesterday when I changed my insulin that I started to get relief.  Looking at the previous injection site, the skin around it seem bruised.  I guess I bumped or rubbed the site and caused my insulin to gather there rather than properly entering my bloodstream.  I consider that a lesson learned.  Battling my disease can be difficult.  I have to make smart decisions to make sure I am always the one who wins.

Little Things Mean a Lot

A friend sent me an email a couple of days ago.  The contents of the email really touched my heart.  I opened the email and my heart started racing.  I was so happy and excited by what was sent.  I thanked her repeatedly that night.  The thing about the email is that she did not have to send it.  She chose to do so.  The email was nothing extravagant and I made no monetary gains from it.  It was the fact that she shared a piece of herself with me in that email that made it special.  She reminded me that it's not the size of the gift or how much it costs that is important.  The most important part of a gift is the amount of thought you put into the gift and how much of your heart is into the actual act of giving.

Toilet Paper

My wife sent me a text message a couple of days ago stating we needed toilet paper for the house.  I did not respond to the message.  I simply stopped by the store on the way home.  I stored the toilet paper in the hallway closet as normal.  The next night, my nephew comes to me with a huge roll of toilet paper, the kind used in restaurants and office buildings.  I looked at him puzzled.  He explained he knew we were out of tissue and brought some home from work.  I applaud his attempt to help; however, I refuse to wipe my posterior with that sandpaper like material.  He can use that toilet paper if he wants.  I'll stick to the soft stuff.

Possible Win-Win Situation

I was chatting with a co-worker of mine this past weekend about bills and struggling to make ends meet.  She mentioned to me that she is paying over $700 per month in daycare fees for her 2 small children.  While we were talking, a light bulb went off.  I asked her if she would be willing to consider letting my wife watch her kids for about $500 per month.  This would save her $200 to put towards other things and also provide a source of income for my wife.  I explained my wife used to run a daycare and she is also a certified teacher so the kids would still be learning if she took my offer.  She told me she would talk it over with her husband and get back to me.  Saving a friend money and generating income for my wife - sounds like a win-win to me.

Looking Forward to 2013

I usually don't get excited about future events because things are always subject to change.  This time, however, I am crossing my fingers and my toes that nothing interferes with a couple of events I have lined up for January and February of 2013.  January will provide an opportunity to experience a cultural event with someone I truly enjoy being around.  February brings a chance to take a trip with some peers of mine who share similar ideals.  I am looking forward to enjoying myself both times.  I am hoping the events set the trend for 2013 and the year will bring many new and exciting chances in my life.

The Art of Gift Giving

There is an art to gift giving.  It's not about how much something costs or where it comes from.  You have to know the receiver's likes/dislikes.  You have to get he/she something they want or will use.  You have to have a very personal relationship with the person.  That way, when you come across the correct gift, you will be certain. The gift will call out to you.  The receiver will be excited you put forth so much thought and effort into getting something for them.  With all the birthdays celebrated in the past week, I think it is safe to say, I am pretty ok at the art of gift giving.

The 5th Birthday in Two Weeks

I have been trying to wrap my head around the idea that I have worked with this woman for several years and not known when her birthday is celebrated.  I was speaking to one of the crew members at my part time job about the birthday gifts I got for someone at my full time.  As we chatted she mentioned having to work on her birthday and waiting til New Year's to celebrate.  I realized her birthday occurred this weekend.  Luckily I was able to get her a gift on short notice she could enjoy.  I am still dumbfounded.  Five birthdays within two weeks on each other.

Thanksgiving 2012

This year's Thanksgiving was the tamest I have had in the last 3 years.  I went to work as usual.  I spent about 7 hours in the office and came home.  The wife and kids had prepared dinner the night before.  By the time I got home yesterday, they had already eaten.  I fixed my plate and devoured my food.  The kids went outside to play and I raked a few leaves out of the flower bed.  After that, I spent time on the computer checking email and killing time.  I had to make a alcohol run for the wife.  We had a few drinks and called it a night.  All in all, not a bad day.  No major calamities.  I'll take that. 

Financial Hole Continues to Grow

The financial hole I currently find myself in continues to increase in size.  Some days it is a minor increase - barely noticeable.  Other days, the hole increases on an exponential scale.  Every time I think I have finally gotten a grip on things, something else pops up or happens.  Some of it is my own fault.  There have been a few situations where a good opportunity was presented to me and I invested in it rather than think of the long term consequences.  For example, knowing we are behind on the mortgage payments, I still purchased $300 worth of chicken and seafood from a friend of the family. The meat retails for about $400.  So even though I saved money and now have food to put on the table, I still have to worry about having a house to put the table in.  My sister in law has loaned us more money to help get caught up.  We now owe her $2100 with no idea of when we can start to repay her.  I never thought I would find myself in this type of situation.  I never thought I would find myself in financial hell.  I guess that's what happens when you depend on others to help get  you through life.  I just hope I can start filling this financial crater before it consumes me and my girls.

Four Birthdays in 10 days

Late November has suddenly become a busy birthday time in my life.  I have four different females ranging from 16 to 34 whom I need to shop for.  Each lady is unique in her tastes.  Each one holds a place in my heart or my life.  Each one will receive something I hope they cherish.

Pay Close Attention

Monday at work, I was reminded of how even when you think people are not watching you, they pay close attention to what you do.  I approached the desk of a female colleague to ask about a report.  She looked at me and asked if I had shaved that morning.  I gave her an unsure stare and replied no.  I explained I had shaved the day before.  My thinking was she noticed a cut or something on my face.  She explained that my complexion looked really good.  Really?  My complexion?  You pay that much attention to my skin?  Just goes to show - you never know who is watching you and why.  Pay close attention to your surroundings at all times.

Am I Jealous?

I was talking with one of my peers yesterday at work.  I have been doing assisting her a lot to help get her acclimated to the way the business runs.  She made the comment that she had been approached by one of the upper managers and complimented on her work.  She was told people had their eyes on her.  When my peer shared the news with me, I told her congrats.  I hinted she may be about to move up in the world.  Then for a brief second, I was upset.  It didn't last long - just long enough for me to recognize the emotion.  For the blink of an eye, I was pissed that she was being recognized for her work yet I was the one showing her what to do and how.  The moment passes as quickly as it came.  I reminded myself that I am a black sheep and don't always fit into the cookie cutter design of our organization.  I realized I shouldn't be and couldn't be jealous of my peer.  I wish her all the best and will do anything I can to help her succeed.

Set Up for Failure

There are times in life when we are set up for failure.  Sometimes it is our own doing because we did not properly plan.  Other times, it is the result of someone else's actions.  I was set up for failure this past weekend at my part time job.  I don't think it was intentional.  I think decisions were made in haste and as a result my team members were the ones who had to suffer.  My staffing was cut by 30% because business had been slow all week.  Normally, a slow week leads to a busy weekend.  This theory held true.  We were swamped.  My team did the best they could and considering the circumstances I feel we succeeded.  When it comes to being set up for failure, you can either accept it and get beat down or you can accept it and fight back.

Reading, Writing and Arithmetic

I was lucky enough to go to school and graduate with a high school diploma.  I was also lucky enough to attend college and earn a BS degree.  Even if I had not achieved the second goal, I feel I am smart enough to handle most of what life throws at me.  I learned tonite, everyone does not share that same mindset.  I literally watched a grown woman not be able to add 2 numbers multiple times to reach an answer.  At first I thought she was joking.  When I realized she was serious, I offered my help.  

Air Freshener Vs. Disinfectant

I was talking to my nephew today on the phone about trying to get rid of a burnt popcorn smell which was lingering in the house.  I told him to get the can of air freshener off of my desk and spray a little as well as lighting a newly purchased candle.  He asked which can I was referring to.  Although I was not at the house, I was pretty sure I knew what was on my desk.  I asked him for the colors of the cans.  His response let me know that he saw one can of air freshener and one can of disinfectant.  He asked if they were the same.  I had to stop and think before the wrong words left my mouth.  I told him the purpose of disinfectant was to kill germs and air freshener helped get rid of odors.  He chimed in stating he had been told they are the same thing.  I hated to burst his bubble.  I had to explain the proper use of each item before things got out of hand.

Lack of Knowledge

Lack of knowledge is seldom a good thing.  I found this out the hard way today.  I received a call from my manager of my part time job asking if I had received any tickets on my license.  He had received notification from the company my license was suspended.  I figured it was a mistake relating back to the ticket I received with my accident back in July.  A phone call to the local highway patrol confirmed my theory.  I thought I had taken care of the ticket.  Come to find out I had taken care of it on the local level but not the state level. I had to pay $25 to have my license re-instated.  Lack of knowledge can be costly.

The State Approved Doctor

Today my wife had another doctor visit.  This was not a trip to either of her regular therapists.  This was a trip to the doctor assigned by the state to evaluate her condition as it regards her disability claim.  We left the house early to ensure we had time to locate the office. We arrived about ten minutes before he appointment. The paperwork she received said the evaluation could take up to 2 hours.  Everything in front of the building was one hour parking.  Once inside, I asked the receptionist if there was another parking area.  She quickly stated, "you won't be here an hour.  Don't worry about it."  We sat and waited for the doctor.  Appointment time arrived and no doctor.  Ten minutes later he appeared and introduced himself.  He took my wife to his office and started the evaluation.  Literally she was back there 10 minutes.  We spent more time waiting on the doctor than what she actually spent with him.  I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.  We'll have to wait and see what the prognosis is from the State Approved Doctor.

I Can't Help if I Don't Know the Problem

Today during her session at the doctor my wife dropped a bombshell.  She told the doctor she had been thinking about the child she aborted nearly 21 years ago.  In fact, my wife said she was planning on going out and drinking on the actual day as a kind of celebration/tribute to her lost child.  The doctor reminded my wife that she has 3 healthy kids right now and that drinking to remember the aborted child was not a smart thing to do.  This is the type of stuff that concerns me about my wife.  She told me about her abortion a little less than 2 years ago.  I had no idea when it happened as far as the time of year.  So I was blindsided when she told the doctor about her current mindset.  I can't help if I don't know the problem.  

My Words Cut

I've been told by several people that I have a talent with words.  I'm one of those people that can take a basic thought and turn it into an elegant statement.  One of the sups I work with often asks for my input on how to say things to get his point across clearly.  I have also been told that my blunt honesty can hurt, a lot.  Today while at the doctor with my wife she said something which required my feedback.  Luckily, I had made up my mind before entering the office that I would be careful of what I said.  I took a deep breath, looked at the doctor first and then turned to my wife.  I told her to be careful of the path she was walking.  She was about to make a dangerous step and my words were going to cut her deep.  The doctor quickly interjected and said that I seemed a little frustrated.  At this point, I decided not to verbally assault my wife only because I was not in the mood to deal with her tears.  I just need her to keep in mind that when I get started, my words cut deeper than any blade.

2yr Anniversary

This is around the time 2 years ago that my wife had her first major breakdown and ended up in the psych ward of the local hospital.  With everything going on with us as far as bills and lack of money, I'm not too sure where her head is.  I don't know if she is going to just blow things off and hope I can handle it by myself or if she is going to panic and end up back in the hospital.  Only time will tell.   This is one anniversary, I do not look forward to celebrating on a yearly basis.

Three Sides to Every Story Revisited

Back in April of this year, I brought up the topic of three sides to every story as defined by Usher.  Recently at work, I feel I am running into the situation again.  There is a male supervisor who we will call Mr. A.  Mr. A is attracted to female supervisor Mrs. B.  Mrs. B. is married with 2 kids.  Mrs. B has become a close associate of mine in recent months.  Mr. A. has observed us talking and jumped to conclusions.  He has approached her on a couple of occasions inquiring if there is more us than the work relationship.  I think he has even gone so far as to ask other supervisors for information about Mrs. B and me.  This only helps to feed the fire of stupidity.  So now you have his side, her side and my side of the same situation.  Wonder which of us is telling the truth?    

Let Mouth Write a Check, Your Ass Can't Cash

My grandfather used to tell me all the time not to let my mouth write a check that my ass would not be able to cash.  Basically he was reminding me to be careful what I said because of potential consequences.  There was a recent incident at my job where such an event occurred.  Someone decided to write a big check with their mouth.  Actually, they wrote the check and then tried to change the value of the check.  In the end, the check was completely voided.  Her ass could not cash that check and the consequences of her actions surpassed anything that anyone there expected.

WTF Moment: You Wanna See My Daddy?

Today my wife wanted me to go with her to a doctor's appointment.  It's my day off so I agreed.  I decided to hear my hat because it was colder than normal outside.  I grabbed my sunglasses and headed for the truck.  Once we were seated and about to pull out of the driveway, my turned and looked me.  Her next statement caught me off guard and my response showed my disapproval.  It went something like this.

Her (looking at me pondering):  This is a completely random thought but I would love to see your daddy.
Me:  I don't want to see that motherfucker if it is the day past forever.

I guess she was wondering if I actually looked like my donor (yes I said donor, not dad).  For those of you who are wondering, I look like my mother.  As far as I am concerned, I have no father.

Destructive Thinking

I've avoided doing anything completely stupid ever since my wife stopped working.  I have tried my best to maintain a level head and not let the stress get to me.  Unfortunately, I am human.  I do have a breaking point.  I think I am starting to reach the point a lot faster than I would like.  Thursday, a situation happened with my wife which truly aggravated me.  I went to the store and purchased a snack along with a bottle of wine.  I drank the whole bottle of wine by myself in less than an hour.  Looking back, I realize that was not a smart move.  I also realize I am reaching a point where drinking something and sleeping off the alcohol seems like a great idea.  That's not what I need in my life.  That's destructive thinking.  I need to refocus my energy and find a positive outlet.

Can't Maintain Good Habits

Yesterday I was thinking about the fact I am unable to maintain any basic healthy habits for extended periods of time.  I get on healthy kicks for days/weeks/month at a time and then forget all about it.  One example of this is taking vitamins.  Earlier this year I made it a point to take a vitamin everyday.  I even got to the point where I purchased the vitamin packs with 7 pills in each to help support my overall health due to diabetes.  I haven't taken a vitamin in at least 2 months now.  Another example of starting and stopping healthy habits is exercise.  The month leading into the Halloween party I was all about exercise.  I started working out at least 15 minutes a day for 4 or 5 days a week trying to get toned for the party.  I haven't lifted a weight, did a push up or sit up since the week before the party.  Good news is I am small framed so it does not take much effort for me to shape up to how I like to look.  As I sit here with a bottle of water in my hand, I think about another failed healthy habit.  I always go back and forth with drinking water.  In the last 4 hours, I have consumed 2 bottled waters.  I probably won't drink anymore water for at least a week.  I don't know why I can't maintain healthy habits.

Power of a Smile

I was reminded of the power of a smile on Wednesday.  I was upset about something which occurred at home.  I went to the store to clear my head.  I got out of my vehicle with this look of disgust and was focused on making my purchase and leaving.  As I walked down the aisle of the store, I got behind a young lady.  Realizing my pace was quicker than hers I attempted to sidestep and pass her.  At this time, she turned her cart and almost bumped me.  She stopped short, said sorry and went around me.  As she walked away she smiled.  That was it.  Her smile was so warm and friendly my entire demeanor changed.  I was reminded of why I try to always be nice at work.  Something as simple as a smile can change everything about a person.

Dipping in the company pool

My manager met with the team this week as we always do.  We talked about upcoming company changes and preparations for 2013.  After we all provided our input, the females in our group were asked to leave.  Our manager then addressed some rumors which had come up.  Our manager told us the integrity of the team would not be sacrificed for the stupidity of one person.  When you read between the lines and get to the bottom of the problem, you realize someone got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.  Now we all have to guard our actions to avoid any potential trouble.

Being prepared and on time

I have been reminded a lot over the past few days of the importance of being on time and being prepared for a situation.  Being prepared for a situation means you can adapt your actions to achieve the best results.  Being on time allows you cushion you need to prepare.  I have watched my peers fail miserably recently due to lack of preparation and tardiness.

Current Desktop Wallpaper

I have a quote as my current desktop wallpaper.  It says:  "No matter how useless you feel, you give someone a reason to smile."  Powerful words.

Beyond Lazy

Over the past few days there have been several incidents which remind me of how extremely lazy some people can be.  Of course I am referring to my wife in this case.  Friday morning I got up and prepared for work.  I placed a load of dirty clothes in the washer and started the machine.  About an hour later I called back and spoke with my wife.  I asked her to put the wet clothes in the dryer.  I also told her to complete some paperwork related to her disability claim which was on my desk.  Around noon I went to lunch.  I stopped by the house to grab something on my way back to work.  Guess where the clothes were?  Still in the washer.  The paperwork?  Still on my desk.  My wife.  In the bed asleep in the middle of the day.  So let's move on to yesterday.  I received a call from my wife asking if I got her message.  I had not checked my phone so I was unaware of the text she had sent.  She asked if she could have money to purchase burgers and fries for the family to eat.  I asked if we had food in the house.  Her response was "yeah but I don't feel like cooking."  Really?  Are you serious?  What kind of mother is too lazy to cook for her children?  And to top yesterday off, the leftover food remains on top of the stove uncovered.  So you have wasted food by being too lazy to properly store it.  Every time I think we may be making a little progress into being financially  ok, she pulls one of these numbers and reminds me she doesn't care enough to help save our future.

Doctor's Visit

I had yet another doctor's visit yesterday.  This trip actually went fairly well.  I was a little more prepared and  had actually been following the plan a little better.  We discussed the patterns of when my blood sugars would be high and when they would go low.  We made a couple of adjustments to my insulin regiment to try and compensate for the patterns.  The doctor also cut my cholesterol medicine in half because she felt the pills were working almost too well.  Who would have ever thought I was actually doing something right about my health?  No protein showed up in my other test which means the kidneys and liver are working fine.  All in all a decent visit.  I go back in six weeks.  We'll see if I can maintain or improve on my current status.

Can't Afford the Foolishness

I should have known this past weekend was going to cost a lot more than I anticipated.  I had planned on recovering some of the money I invested from entrance fees paid by some of the guests.  I should have known better.  I also anticipated being able to spend the whole night and enjoying a nice breakfast courtesy of the hotel.  The actions of some of my peers prevented this also.  Their actions did not however, stop the hotel from charging my card as if I stayed the entire night.  I thought about disputing the charge for a brief second and realized it was pointless.  We used the room and we were put out.  We were responsible for paying.  Correction, I was responsible for paying.  I consider it a lesson learned.  I can’t afford the foolishness in the future.  I just added to total for the room, the alcohol I purchased and the food.  Total came to around $500.  If I had enjoyed myself as much as others and contributed to being thrown out I would not be so upset.  Considering I tapped out early in the night to avoid getting sick, I think it was a bad choice on my part.  You live and you learn.  The cost of others foolishness is a price I refuse to pay.  

Three Years Ago

Three years ago I had a once in a lifetime encounter with a friend.  We spent time alone and really got to know each other.  More importantly, I gained her trust.  Since that day three years ago I have prided myself as someone she can come to with any kind of problem.  I have tried my best to be there for her whenever she needs me.  Others have come and gone in her life.  I have tried to remain a constant.  She has returned the favor and bailed me out of trouble a couple of times.  More importantly, she has been a sounding board… someone I can vent to and not be judged.  The relationship I started three years ago is what has gotten me through the good and bad times over the months.  Three years ago, my life started over for the better.