A Year in Time

It's been almost a year since my wife was released from her job.  We have survived for the most part but it has been a true struggle.  I have borrowed money from friends and family as well as taken out a couple of loans.  My credit score is now shot to hell due to being behind on payments.  I failed my Masters program because I was so focused on taking care of home, I neglected my studies.  I am at a point in time now where all I do is work to pay bills and I can't pay all of them even though I am working 2 jobs.  I really did not think the situation would last a year.  I really thought she was going to get better and find another job.  I thought the nephew would get his shit together and be gone or at least be contributing to the household.  Guess I was completely wrong about the events of the past year.

Being Observant

I have worked in the pizza delivery industry for over a decade.  This has taught me to be very observant of people and my surroundings.  I noticed today other people can also be very observant.  My wife is currently babysitting a pair of boys for one of the ladies I work with.  When the young lady came over this evening, she spent a few minutes talking to us in the kitchen.  On the top of the kitchen cabinet above my sink, I keep my liquor.  That way it is out of the immediate reach of my kids.  She "observed" the 2 bottles of vodka on the top of the cabinet and asked what was in them.  One was Smirnoff Iced Cake and the other was Pinnacle Root Beer.  She asked for a sample.  I poured a very small amount of the Pinnacle in a cup.  She looked at me funny and said, "that's all I get?"  I told her I figured she did not want that much because she was about to drive the kids home.  I ended up giving her the remainder of the bottle of Smirnoff - it was about 1/3 full.  Just goes to show, people are very observant when they enter your home.  Be careful who you allow to cross the threshold of the front door.    

Not as Well as I Thought

I decided to take a bath tonight to try and remove some of the residue left on my leg after removing the medical strips used to protect my incision.  At first it was not big deal.  I was able to scrub with a fair amount of pressure because I was not close to the tumor behind my knee.  As I got closer to the tumor, I started scrubbing more gently so I would not aggravate the pain.  Then I noticed something.  My entire left calf muscle felt numb to the touch. Initially I thought this may have been due to surgery and the stitches in my leg. With the stitches removed and the surgery being 2 weeks ago, I realized the pain was probably due to the tumor.  As soon as I touched the tumor on the back of my leg as I was scrubbing, a pain raced down my leg.  Guess I am not as well as I thought.  I hope I get some good news next week about my condition.

Unfit Role Model

Years ago people criticized Charles Barkley when he told the world he was not a role model.  Charles said this because he wanted parents to teach their kids right and wrong rather than the youth trying to emulate celebrities.  Yesterday, I got to witness a situation first hand of an unfit role model trying to give advice to the youth.  My youngest daughter had gotten herself ready for bed.  She has decided recently that she likes sleeping in a swimsuit (don't know where this came from).  She was in the process of winding down and playing on the floor.  My wife looked at our daughter and said "young ladies don't show their private part" because the swimsuit had shifted a bit.  This amazing part of the wife making this statement was that she was laying on the couch wearing nothing but a nightgown so if she not careful she would be showing as much of herself as our child.  How you gonna tell someone not to do something when you do it yourself?  I guess the statement, "Do as I say and not as I do"  is the ultimate weapon for some parents.

Surgery Follow Up - Good News and Bad News

I had my follow up visit with the doctor yesterday following the unsuccessful initial surgery.  The good news is that he was able to remove the stitches without a problem.  More good news is that he feels since the problem is nerve related, I don't have to wear the ankle brace and night splint any more.  The bad news is that he wants me to see another doctor about a possible nerve graft for my leg.  A nerve graft will require someone to remove the bad section of nerve in my leg and replace it with good nerve tissue from another body part.  I'm not too comfortable with the idea of being cut in two places to fix one problem.  I am also not comfortable with the doctor he has initially recommended because based on what I have seen on the internet, this doctor does not specialize in nerve work.  I think I am going to look for an alternate doctor.  I can't handle any more bad news about this leg problem. 

Abnormal Cells

My wife received a letter in the mail today following up on her annual doctor visit.  The letter stated the pap smear revealed some "abnormal cells."  The clinic wants to conduct a colposcopy exam to determine what may have caused the cells.  The test must be conducted within the next 4-6 weeks.  I find this truly amazing.  It seems we are both breaking down at the same time.  Hopefully, the test will reveal that nothing serious is wrong.  If not, we will just deal with what comes. 

Looking Toward Tomorrow

I'm looking toward tomorrow with a lot of mixed emotions.  Tomorrow is the day I go back to the doctor to have the stitches removed from my leg.  More importantly, hopefully the doctor will have some updated information on what options are available to remove the tumor.  My biggest fear is that whatever option(s) he provides, the road to recovery will not be easy.  Everything in my mind keeps telling me that once they go inside my leg again, I will have to start over learning how to walk.  Add to that, the fact I am diabetic and you have a one-two combination which could put me down for the count.  There is one up side to the equation.  I'm hard-headed.  I'm an Aries and we pride ourselves on proving people wrong.  So I'm looking toward tomorrow and preparing to face whatever challenge comes my way. 

Dealing with the Pain

I am starting to wonder if my problem is simply in my mind or if I am truly experiencing this continued, intermittent pain in my left foot following surgery last week.  The pain in not bad all the time.  My problem is that the pain is becoming more and more frequent.  I have tried to tough it out for the most part because I do not want to become dependent on pain killers to get through the day.  If the pain does not go away and the doctor does not have a game plan when I go to have the stitches removed on Friday, I may have to become a daily pill pusher.

No Proof Of Insurance leads to warrant for arrest

Following the no proof of insurance problem the nephew recently had, he was informed by the officer there was actually a warrant out for his arrest.  Apparently the nephew got a ticket back in the December and failed to pay it or appear in court.  Now he owes $300.  Really?  So even though he has insurance now to get out of the recent ticket, there is no way around the December ticket.  It's times like this that I wonder why I even try at all to help the boy.

WTF Moment - No Proof of Insurance

I made it a point to add the nephew's new car to my auto insurance policy asap so I knew he was covered.  I also made it a point to provide him with a copy of the insurance.  Please explain to me how he managed to go through a roadblock tonight and not be able to produce proof of insurance.  WTF?!!  You just got this car less than 2 months ago.  There should not be anything in your glove compartment except the owner's manual, the dealer paperwork, a receipt for one oil change and the damn car insurance paper.  To add to this bullshit, I think he called me while he was getting the ticket.  My response was "I can't bring proof of insurance to you while you at a roadblock. You will have to get the ticket and fight it on your own."  It's times like this that I fail to understand the youth of today.

Back to Work

Today was my first day back after my surgery on Monday.  I left home extra early to give myself time to get into the office and get situated considering my condition.  The good news is that I was able to get through about half my day without anyone who was not already aware of the surgery asking me any questions.  The bad news is that about halfway through my day, I started to encounter a little pain.  Not a whole lot, just enough to keep me alert.  I didn't want to take a chance so I started using my crutches.  Of course, now all of a sudden everyone was asking questions.  After explaining about the surgery for about the 7-8th time, things kinda settled down. I stayed seated as much as possible.  When it was time to go, I hobbled to the elevator and made my way to my car.  It was good to get back to work.

Day after Surgery - Very Graphic Post

Well, it's been about 24 hours since I was released from the hospital following my unsuccessful surgery.  I'm going to give you a run down of what happened and include some pictures taken by the doctor.  I warn you, the pictures are graphic and not for the weak of heart or stomach.  

Yesterday morning I got up goofed around the house until it was time to leave for the hospital.  We walked into the building around 1040am. The receptionist had me sign a bunch of paperwork about privacy, insurance and stuff like that.  We (wife and I) sat down and noted that the lobby was packed.  I went back up to the receptionist to ask about how long the procedure should take because no one was home to meet our 8 year old when she arrived from school.  She said the procedure should take about 45 minutes but the doctor had another surgery in front of me so it may take a while before he got to me.  Great! Eventually they called me to the back.  I got undressed and put on one of those ugly open back hospital gowns.  The nurse started my IV.  She shaved my leg above and below the knee area as a preparation for surgery.  My wife came back and we talked and joked about the surgery and what we overheard from other patients waiting to be seen.  The nurse who would be in the room with me came back and apologized for the long wait.  The anaesthesiologist came back and introduced himself also.  The nurse came back and offered my wife a drink or something to snack on.  She jokingly said, "you can't have anything!"  They finally came to take me to the operating room.  They injected some medication in the IV. I remember rolling down the hallway.  I remember entering the operating room and seeing the big lights.  The next thing I remember was the nurse asking what number to reach my wife at because it was time for my discharge.  Apparently my wife's cell phone was dead.  I called a friend and she offered to come pick me up.  As I was getting dressed, my wife showed back up.  I cancelled my friend coming and was discharged.  My wife explained that the doctor was unable to remove the tumor on my leg because it was on the main nerve.  Removing it could have left me paralyzed.  So he left it alone and will reach out to a plastic surgeon to see what alternatives are available.  So I survived the surgery.  Just didn't get the outcome I hoped for.  Now for those of you who have been waiting, here are the pics of the tumor.  Last warning:  the pictures are graphic and not for the weak of heart or stomach.

Feel Like I'm on Death Row

This surgery has me feeling like I am on death row.  The whole concept of "no eating or drinking after midnight" is killing me.  First of all, I work until 1030p-1130p most nights.  Therefore, I'm usually eating once I arrive home.  I had planned to grab something nice to eat to hold me over until after the procedure.  Last night I had to rush home and wolf down some food.  I hope I have enough in my system to get me past the time of this surgery.

Blackmail

Following my decision to let the nephew's now pregnant girlfriend stay with us for a while until they can get established on their own, I received the following text from my wife.

Her:  This may sound crazy but is he blackmailing you or something
Me:  Huh
Her:  I know that you will do anything to help someone out but I'm still in shock about you letting her move in
Me:  I saw how her mom was with her before she got pregnant.  Kinda feel sorry for her.  She trying to do right and I hope she can motivate him.  She just finished school so maybe she can help him with reading
Her:  Makes sense.  And I trust that you made the right decision for our family

What would make her think he is trying to blackmail me?  First of all, he probably can't spell blackmail more or less know what it is.  Secondly, there's nothing he can blackmail me with.  I don't know.  I guess some people always have a conspiracy theory running through their mind.

She Had a Bad Day

The wife had a bad day on Friday.  She got up Friday morning to go get copies of her medical records.  There was a cost of $20.  Of course, she didn't have any money.  To make matters worse, they would not accept just my card number - they needed the physical card.  Ok.  Move forward a couple of hours and she picked up our youngest from daycare.  She was presented with the bill.  Apparently this was too much for her to deal with.  She came to my job and sat in the parking lot texting and calling me.  She said she needed to see me.  When I finally was able to get downstairs, she explained what happened.  I told her to relax and I would get the medical records after work.  As far as daycare payment goes, they can wait til payday.  I just need her to realize she can't let little stuff like that bother her.  We can't afford for her to have any really bad days.

WTF - Child Support Payments

The nephew received a letter in the mail the other day from the Department of Human Services.  Knowing his limited reading ability, I opened it to determine the nature of the letter.  The letter explained he is currently $1000 behind on child support for his 2nd child.  I talked to him about the child support and he told me the payments were no longer being taken from his paycheck.  WTF?!! So you think just because they stop taking money out your check, you don't have to pay for the care of your child?  And if they stopped taking money out of your check, where the hell are these extra funds?  I talked to the nephew and made a life threatening statement.  I informed him several people had mentioned to me that based on his actions and the fact he was always broke but had no real bills, it seemed like he had a drug habit.  I politely told him that if he had a habit, drugs, alcohol or whatever, he needed to let it go.  I went on to tell him that if at any time I find out he had a drug habit and he brought that shit around my 3 little girls, I would wrap both my hands around his neck and choke the life out of him after I called 911 to come get me for murder.  He has called DHS and they are supposed to make arrangements about the past due payments.  I hope he gets everything in line before this 3rd baby arrives.

Pitter Patter of Adult Feet

The nephew tried to have a "man to man" talk with me yesterday about his current life situations.  He was once again asking for my advice and guidance.  At this point, I can't provide any new information.  He has gotten himself into a world I will never experience so I am unable to tell him what roads to take.  His current pregnant girlfriend spoke to me yesterday and explained she has been put out of her mother's house.  She asked if she could stay with us for a little while until she could find other living arrangements.  I thought about it for a little while and decided to say yes.  I talked to my wife about the situation and she reluctantly agreed. So now we will have the pitter patter of another pair of adult feet in the house.

Tomorrow's Surgery

With all that has been going on in my life and the lives of others around me, I've been trying to balance my emotions.  I have not been doing a good job of it.  I cannot get the surgery off of my mind.  I think my biggest concern is the "what if something goes wrong" thoughts.  Those thoughts are not so much my own.  They belong to others who opt to provide their opinion.  The doctor told me I should be able to return to work in a few days.  These negative bastards are talking about "you better take at least a week off.  you trying to rush back to work and you not gonna heal properly."  Anybody that really knows me can tell you, I don't miss work.  So after the doctor removes this crap from my leg and I give it a few days to relax, it's back to business as normal.  I'm just ready to be done with tomorrow's surgery.

Unwanted Results

My MRI follow up did not go as I had hoped.  I spoke with the doctor and he has decided the best option is surgery.  Nothing real intrusive.  Just a small cut in the back of my leg to remove what they are calling a "small tissue mass."  It's an outpatient procedure so I will not require any hospital time.  I'll just need a few days of rest.  At least that is what I am hoping.  I am actually more concerned about this surgery than I was when I had my vasectomy years ago.  I'm not too sure why.  I've told the people in my life that I feel should know about it and they are supportive.  Maybe their support will be all I need to get past these unwanted results.

Diabetes and the Continuous Monitor

I went to the doctor Thursday and received my training for using the continuous monitoring system.  Unlike traditional methods of pricking a finger at any given time to get a blood sugar reading, I now have a sensor that checks the blood sugar level every 10 minutes or so and transmits the data to my insulin pump.  I still have to stick my finger at least twice a day to make sure the sensor is providing accurate readings.  The good thing about continuous monitoring is that I can now see if there are any patterns as it comes to my sugar levels.  The bad thing about the system is that it has alerts set and once a problem occurs (high or low blood sugar) the monitor will continue to alert the pump until I am out of the danger zone.  Looks like I have to really focus and do right now or suffer the consequences.

Better to Give than to Receive

Continuing on my project from yesterday, I went through all of my youngest daughters' clothes and pulled out the items they had outgrown.  Usually my next step would be a trip to the local Goodwill to make a charitable donation.  I took a different route today.  I texted one of my co workers who had a daughter about the right size for some of the clothes.  I ended up dropping off a large basket of miscellaneous items including dresses, pants, shirts and coats to her.  She was very appreciative and said the outfits looked fabulous.  This is the same co worker who told me she would have to do something for me next week to make up for my birthday because money was tight this week.  I told her not to worry about my birthday and I was happy to give the clothes to someone I know could use them.  This is definitely one of those cases when it feels a lot better to give than to receive.

Nervous about the Results

I am really starting to get nervous about the results of my MRI.  The pain in my leg continues and at times it seems worse.  I was standing talking to someone yesterday when it hit me.  All I could do was close my eyes and grit my teeth for a few seconds.  I have never had any type of major surgery.  I don't know how I will function if I am not able to move around and do what I normally do day to day.  More importantly, I don't know how my family will function.  Maybe I am worrying over nothing.  I just have to wait until tomorrow morning and find out what the results show the doctor.

Birthday 2013

To say my birthday this year was a huge let down would be an understatement.  97% of the day was not even about me.  I spent my day focusing on other people and what they needed.  I drove a co worker to and from work due to car problems.  I took my two youngest daughters to the dentist.  I watched a movie online.  I pulled all of my daughters' clothes out of the room which used to be theirs (currently occupied by the wife's nephew) so I can try to organize them because I became enraged seeing their dresses in piles on the floor.  I went to work and that was it.  Yea you read right.  I got text messages from 5 people yesterday wishing me a happy birthday.  What really hurts my feelings was that the people I really expected to wish me a happy birthday didn't.  One person didn't even say "hi" to me.  Oh well.  Time to stop pouting and move on.  I guess when you don't make a big deal out of your birthday, no one else will do it for you.

Rick Ross Money - BMF

The nephew got his income tax refund last week and in true BMF fashion, I think he is broke already.  He paid me part of the $1300 he owes me.  He gave a significant amount to his baby mama cause he claimed his little girl on taxes.   Another $2000+ was invested into a used car from the local dealer.  I'm happy he was able to get the car with no co-signer which means I have no part in that equation.  Now that he has reliable transportation, I hope he is able to secure more hours at work or find a second job so he can start working on saving money.  If he continues down his usual path, he will be broke and carless by the end of summer.

Doctor Visit - The Orthopedic Version

I went back to the orthopedic specialist after spending over a month wearing an ankle brace.  Since this whole process started, I have purchased 3 pairs of shoes as well as a leg brace to sleep in.  This past week while at home, I noticed some type of bump on the back of my leg right behind the knee.  I mentioned it to the doctor because when I touched it, the pain ran down my leg to my foot.  He placed his hand on my leg to  determine what I was talking about.  As soon as he made contact, his reaction was that an MRI needs to be done.  So my next appointment is on Monday and it is for an MRI of my knee.  I really hope whatever is on my leg can be cured by medicine or physical therapy.  I am just not comfortable with the idea of any type of surgery that involves my knee.

Doctor Visit - The Diabetic Version

I went to see my diabetic specialist last week.  I actually had a good visit.  I had gained 2 pounds since my last trip.  My A1C level was 8.8.  Now for most diabetics that is still high but for someone who is historically in double digits, 8.8 is awesome.  Based on those numbers, we made no changes to my medications.  I got my usually lecture about being sure to test more to help keep things under control.  Next visit is in two months.

Causing Unnecessary Panic

I came home last night from work and pulled into the driveway.  Upon my arrival, I noticed the side door to my wife's van was opened.  My initial thought was that someone had broken into the van.  A closer look proved me wrong.  It looked as if everything was still in the vehicle.  I went inside the house to ask my wife if she had been to the van recently.  Her response was that she had not been outside for the past 6 hours.  I told her she want to check the can cause the side door was wide open.  She rolled over and went back to sleep.  I hate getting myself worked up over nothing.  I guess I need to take some advice from my wife and just not give a fuck about causing unnecessary panic.  

WTF Moment - And then there were 3

My nephew called me a little while ago.  I was not really in the mood to deal with any of his usual stupidity.  He did not fail to provide some anyway.  He decided to tell me that the girl he is currently dating found out she is pregnant.  WTF?  Really?  So you got another child on the way?  OMG!  You are 22 years old with a  high school education, a convicted felon and about to be a father of three?  What in the hell?  Now more than ever he has got to get his shit together and get out my house.  The last thing I plan on dealing with is him and his 3 baby mamas.

My Lack of Blogging

It's been a week and a half since my last entry.  Part of the reason is because of laziness - I just didn't have the desire to sit in front of my computer and pour my heart out to the couple of people who read this.  Part of it was fatigue - a couple of nights I planned to blog after checking email and ended up going straight to sleep.  Part of it is not knowing what to say - so much is going on with me right now, I don't know what should take priority.  I do know this.  Based on the last couple of days, I have to get some stuff off my chest.  Otherwise, things could get real ugly real quick.

Running on Fumes

Sunday night proved to me I am simply running on fumes these days and am in need of some serious rest.  I should have known something was wrong with my because I had to focus so much on driving home.  When I got to the house, I shut off my truck and sat there for a sec.  At least I thought it was a second.  I closed my eyes and when I opened them, it was hours later.  I had actually slept in my truck that night.  I was too tired mentally and physically when I got home to take the short journey from the driveway to my couch.  I am running on fumes.  And right now I don't know when I will have time to refuel.

The Dinner Party

One of my co-workers wanted to have a dinner party at her house.  I was all in for it.  Gameplan was to have it on a day most of us were off from work so we could eat, drink and be merry.  The dinner happened last night and it was awesome.  There was an awesome food spread.  Baked and fried fish, jumbalaya, potato salad, salad, peach cobbler and more.  There was also plenty to drink. I walked in the door and was welcomed with a mango smoothie.  I followed that with an amaretto sour.  I had a couple more concoctions we created on the fly while we were laughing and joking.  All in all it was a great time.  It was nice to be able to hang out with peers away from work and have fun.  I'm really looking forward to the next one.

Learning When to Give Up

I have never been the type of person who quits.  I keep trying and plugging away at something until I figure it out - if I really want to get it accomplished.  I think that may be my problem with getting my degree online.  I have failed the same class three times.  It's not like the class is hard, I could do coursework in my sleep without reading the book.  My problem in all three failed attempts is that I did not take the time to do the work.  I received failing grades because I did not turn in assignments.  I guess it really is time for me to give up trying to get that degree.  I am not at a point in life where I can dedicate the time and focus to the program required to be successful.  Guess I need to learn when to give up on a dream.

Failed Suicide / A Cry for Attention

This time last week I was sitting in an ER room waiting to find out my wife's condition.  Last Wednesday she decided to take all of her prescription medications in addition to some pills for our oldest daughter in an attempt to kill herself.  At least, that's what she says.  Speaking with family and friends, we've decided that she was simply wanting attention and trying to kill herself was the method she chose to get it.  Good news is that the medications she took were not enough to be toxic so she survived with no complications.  She ended up spending 2 nights in the psych ward at the hospital again and then came home.  This is going to sound cold to those who don't know me but this shit is getting old.  I am tired of having to deal with her desire to always be the center of attention and putting our daughters through this.  Funny thing is that only the youngest  girl cried; the older two took a "whatever" approach to her being back in the hospital.

We Don't Speak the Same Language

I got home from work tonight and decided to check my email before going to bed.  I had a message from my wife with the subject line "Your Love Language."  The body of the email was as follows:


Physical Touch

This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

I have a problem with this.  I don't speak this language when it comes to her anymore. So now what do I do?

WTF Moment - Am I Cheating?

This entry helps to show why I am past the point of sanity.  I really professional help to deal with the stuff I encounter daily.  Last night after I returned from my dinner with friends, my wife decided she wanted to talk to me.  She came and sat in the room and wrapped herself in a blanket.  She proceeded to strike up a conversation about various topics.  While talking she asked me, "are you cheating?"  WTF?! Who does that?  What was she expecting for an answer??  Now don't get me wrong. I have cheated in the past.  I thought we had gotten past all that but apparently she refuses to let go.  I try to make sure I mention the names of females I work with as well as their life statuses (married, dating, kids) to ease my wife's mind.  I am starting to think there is nothing I can do to help calm her self inflicted paranoia.

Can I Get a Little Me Time?

Yesterday I went out with some co-workers to dinner.  We had been planning it for weeks and I am sure I mentioned it to my wife on more than one occasion.  Low and behold, when I left the house I immediately got a text message "Where are you going?"  I responded stating I was going to dinner with my associates but did not know the destination yet.  Later in the evening I got another text message asking where were we and could my wife and kids join us.  I did not reply to that message.  Still later was when the real drama started.  She texted me asking how much longer would I be out because she was not feeling good.  Really?  Why is it that when I leave the house for a few hours to try and enjoy myself she starts to feel bad?  I don't remember feeling bad when she went to New Orleans when I told her not to.  I don't remember getting ill when she went on the vacation with her sister last summer when I told her not to.  It just amazes me how we act sometimes.  I think it is a shame that I can't get a little me time.

Houseguest

This post piggybacks off of the previous one.  With the Father-Daughter event planned for this weekend, my wife wanted the girls to look extra cute.  She decided to have another friend of the family come over and do their hair.  I'm cool with that.  The problem comes in the fact that the hairdresser is already at my house and the event is not until Saturday.  Why in the world is a twenty-something year old woman staying at my house?  Oh - did I mention she is sleeping in the bed with my wife?  It's not like they are lesbians or anything but who does that?  It's times like this when I realize all is not right in my world and sometimes there is nothing I can do to change that.

Am I a Good Parent?

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I consider myself to be a good parent.  I work two jobs to try and support my three little girls.  I try to teach them the ways of the world and that you have to work hard to get what you want out of life.  I want them to understand they don't have to depend on anyone but themselves for success.  With all that in mind, it's times like this when I wonder if I do enough.  This weekend is a Father-Daughter event in the community.  I completely forgot about the date and failed to request the day off from work.  My wife promised the girls they could attend so a friend of the family volunteered to take them.  Does missing out on an event such as this make me a bad parent?  I try to attend as many of their events as possible but sometimes work has to come first.  I hope they understand sometimes the choices we make in life are hard ones and sometimes people's feelings have to be hurt for the greater good.

Wheels on the Bus Run me Over

I found out some info from a colleague of mine.  I was informed there is a rumor floating around the office that I threw someone under the bus and got them in trouble.  I laughed as soon as I heard this.  I explained that first of all, I had no idea what he was talking about.  Secondly, how would I benefit from throwing this person under the bus?  I am just amazed at the maturity level of the people I work with.  Everyone wants to run tell dat.  I have a solution to all that foolishness. Looks like I am going to have to revert to the old me.  The one who walks in, does my job and leaves.  No time for playful banter and fellowshipping.  Strictly business in the office.  If you want to laugh and play, go to a daycare.  I don't have time to throw people under the bus or get thrown there myself.

Doctor Visits

I haven't posted anything about Monday's doctor visit so I will include it with today's update.  I had to go have  bone scan done Monday to try and determine what might be causing the pain in my foot.  This entailed going to the facility at 830am.  I got there, registered, was given a "tracer" shot and told to come back in three hours for the actual exam.  When I got back, I spend 1.5 hours with my feet being examined by a machine.  The procedure was not too bad.  There were a couple of times I was concerned (like when the tech taped my ankles together to keep my from moving or when she asked if my right foot was experiencing pain because she didn't see anything on the left scan). Today was the follow up with the actual orthopedic.  He looked at the scans and agreed with the tech.  There was nothing wrong with the bones in my feet.  He current suggestion requires me to wear inserts in my shoes for 3-6 weeks and wearing a splint at night when I sleep.  If that does not help with the problem, then the next option is surgery.  I'm hoping we don't get to the surgery option.

Bitch Betta Have My Money

The IRS has finally decided to start accepting tax returns.  For a lot of people that means savings, home improvements and catching up on bills.  For others, it means living like Rick Ross and trying to blow money fast.  I'm trying to catch the nephew before he does the latter.  Based on my calculations, he owes me about $1200.  I have informed him that once he receives his tax refund, I need my money.  I don't care about his baby mama or anything else he has going on in his life right now.  Once those funds are available to him, bitch betta have my money.

WTF - Real Life Nigga Moment

I was at work at my fast food job tonight and I experienced a unique situation.  I was joking with a couple of my co-workers about the potential for someone to want to fight or harm me.  I decided to misquote Lil Wayne's Duffle Bag Boy song and said "I ain't never ran from a nigga and I ain't about to start."  This quote caught the attention of an older Caucasian gentleman who works with us.  He looked at me and said, "I know I must have missed something in what you just said.  Can you repeat that for me?"  I politely repeated my statement.  The people who were within earshot cracked up laughing.  A few moments later it hit me that I may have just experienced a real life nigga moment.  I'm not too sure if he laughed because the statement was funny or if he simply took delight in the fact I used the word "nigga."  Who knows?

Some Jokes Just Ain't Funny

As Valentine's Day 2013 comes to a close, I must post about the foolishness which just occurred.  I decided to run to the store and purchase a soda because I wanted something with some fizz to drink.  While at the store, I decided to purchase a candy bar for my wife.  I decided to get her "favorite" candy bar even though she had stopped eating them because the name of the candy bar reminded her of someone she did not like.  When I arrived home and gave her the candy bar, she looked at me and said, "thank you.  I actually asked Bob to get me one earlier.  He told me he would do it and mail it to me overnight."  Now, Bob is her best friend's husband.  Please tell me at what point in time was this supposed to be funny. It's times like that when I just walk off before I say something and truly hurt her feelings.  Some jokes just ain't funny.

Finally an Unselfish Act

Today is Valentine's Day 2013.  I am currently not feeling too much love but I wanted to talk about a gesture made by my wife earlier which showed that on rare occasions, she can be unselfish.  After my doctor's appointment this morning, I went by my job to let my manager know about required upcoming days off for follow up appointments.  We left the building and went to a local bakery.  I tried to get my wife to pick out an oversized cupcake for her V-Day gift.  She asked what was I going to get for our girls.  I told her I did not plan on getting them anything until my next payday.  She actually told me she would rather me get something for them than for her.  I could hardly believe it.  She actually thought about someone other than herself for a change.

Doctor's Visit - Still Looking for Answers

I went to see an orthopedic specialist today about the ongoing pain in my foot.  The nurse took some xrays and I discussed the problem with the doctor.  I ended up leaving his office in an ankle brace.  He was not able to determine what may be causing the problem but had a couple of ideas.  The next step in the process is to have a bone scan done at a medical facility and follow up with the orthopedic specialist in a week.  So at this point I am basically where I was when I started this process.  I keep trying and trying but I am unable to find out what is causing the pain and more importantly what can be done to get rid of it.

Can we have sex? Part 2

So that we have bypassed the text message part, I decided to go into the bedroom and talk with my wife.  We decided being intimate was a good idea at the time.  As we are laying in bed naked, I bumped my lip.  I currently have a sore on the inside of my lip.  I have no clue what caused it.  I made my wife aware of the sore because I did not want her to suck my lip and make the pain worse.  Her response was "What bitch you been kissing on?  Was it blah-blah-blah or blah-blah-blah?"  WTF?!? Really?  You just asked me if I had been kissing on 2 different females right before you and I are supposed to be having sex?  Only in my world does this type of foolishness happen.

Can we have sex?

This post addresses a major concern of mine as modern technology influences relationships and intimacy.  I was sitting at my desk today when I received a text message from my wife.
The message read "Can we have sex?"  This is one of those times I am at a crossroads with modern technology.  My was literally down the hall from me.  She could have stepped out of the bedroom and saw me.  Rather than coming to me, she sent me a text.  WTF?  At this point I replied, "I will think about it as soon as you answer this question.  Why are you texting me when we are 3 rooms apart?"  I never got a reply  to the question.  I am all for sending inticing pictures to your mate and suggestive text messages to spice things up.  I have a problem when you can't talk face to face with someone and everything is done through text messages, instagram and facebook.

Picture is Worth a 1000 words

A very close friend of mine moved away recently due to a job promotion.  I was happy for her advancement but saddened by the fact she had to go out of state to take advantage.  I asked her to send me a picture once she got settled of something unique to her new surroundings.  She sent me a picture of herself smiling.  I look at that picture every night.  The image of her smiling says more than any words know in the English language.  Seeing her smiling in her new environment lets me know she is safe; she is happy and she is going to excel at any task put in front of her.  I wish I could send her a picture which communicated those things to her.  Unfortunately, I don't think I can fake a smile to make it seem that way.  The truth would show on my face.  All is not well in my world but my world is my world.  You live and you learn.

WTF Moment - Overdraft Fees

I was talking with the nephew a couple of weeks ago about his financial situation because it still did not seem to be getting better.  This confused me because he has lived with us for over a year and does not contribute to the household financially.  Add to this the fact he no longer has a car and the plot thickens.  I asked him if we could look at his bank account to try and determine where money could be going.  OMG!  I wanted to beat the hell out of him when we pulled it up.  He had over $400 in overdraft fees in December alone.  WTF?  According to my calculations, an entire 2 week paycheck went strictly to covering overdraft fees to the bank.  I tried to provide him with other ways of checking and maintaining his money. He has got to do better.  He can't afford not to.

Real Friends

This post piggybacks off of the previous one about my truck and revisits one of my favorite topics.  My truck was out of commission for almost an entire week due to repairs.  I explained the situation to one of my closed friends before I actually went to the shop. She was nice enough to let me use her car while my truck was repaired.  When I say let me use her car, I mean she let me drive her car to and from work.  All I had to do was make sure she had a way to work and home each day.  Now that's what I call a real friend.  She sacrificed what she had to do for a few days so I could take care of my business.  Good thing is, she knows I would do the same for her.

No Extended Warranty

I had to take my truck to the shop on 2/2/13 due to an ongoing concern about my brakes. The brakes were not stopping as good as normal and the truck was starting to cut off when left idling for short periods of time.  The dealership called me on 2/4/13 and told me they discovered the cause of my issue.  My service specialist went on to tell me that it would cost $600 for the repair because that particular part was not covered by the extended warranty.  So my truck that I have had just over a year, put a $600 dent in my pocket.  Guess you can't put a price on safety.   And I guess you can't argue if there is no extended warranty.  

Health Concerns

Upon the recommendation of my specialist, I went to see my GP about my foot.  He played touchy-feely with it and just like my therapist, felt the problem was not nerves or directly related to my diabetes.  He prescribed some pain medication and told me to follow up in a week.  The pain medicine did not help at all.  If fact, at one point, I think I experienced more pain that prior to the medicine.  I followed up with my GP a week later.  Based on my answers to his questions, he decided the best thing for me to do would be to see a specialist.  Great, this just keeps getting better.  All these various office visits just for a foot.  I hope we find a resolution soon.  I'm tired of walking around in pain.

WTF - Where Have I Been?

January 24, 2013.  I can't believe that is the date of my last post.  So much has happened in the last couple of weeks.  I don't know where to begin.  I'm currently asking myself, WTF?  Where have I been?  What have I been doing to keep me so occupied that I have not been able to make a single post.  Truth of the matter is - nothing.  I think I am hitting another lull in my life where I don't care too much about things.  I hate when I get this way.  Times like this, when the "fuck it" mentality takes over can go really good or really bad. I'm hoping for good because I can't afford the bad.

Doctor's Visit

The sharp pain that just shot through my left foot reminded me of my doctor's visit on yesterday.  As a whole, the visit did not go too bad.  Blood pressure was fine. I gained 5 pounds since my last visit which is ok because I could gain 20 and still not meet the average for my demographic.  Blood sugar was fine when I arrived and we made just a few minor adjustments to my existing medicine regiment.  Then there was this ongoing issue with my foot.  I am still having this sharp pain in my left foot.  There is no rhyme or reason for the pain.  I can be standing up or sitting down.  It can be day or night.  I can be stationary or mobile.  It hurts whenever it chooses to do so.  The doctor did a test and determined the problem was not bad nerves.  She recommended I schedule an appointment with my general practitioner.  So now we get to wait to see if he know something she doesn't.  Almost forgot to mention the "well damn" moment from this doctor visit.  Last time I went to the doctor, my wife accompanied and convinced the doctor that I needed something to help combat E.D.  Yesterday, the doctor asked if the medicine worked and if I needed a refill on the prescription.  I just looked at her and said, "it worked."  Unfortunately, I only tried one pill and did not notice any difference in my performance.   

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

A reason, a season, a lifetime is one of my favorite topics to discuss.  It really makes you think about the role people play in your life and how you should treat them.  Recently two close friends decided to take other jobs.  During our time together, I learned a lot from both of them.  Now they have moved on to hopefully bigger and better things. Considering what I learned from them, I feel they both exceeded the "reason" category.  I would put the guy in the season category but I think 5yrs of friendship goes beyond a season.  He and I are not as close as we used to be so I am not sure if I should put him in the lifetime category.  The young lady, on the other hand, gets an automatic lifetime category.  She is one of those people I hope to never lose touch with.  There is just something about her that tends to bring out the best of me. 

WTF Moment - Grown Up Sleepover

A strange situation occurred the MLK weekend.  I am still laughing to myself as I think about it.  My wife enlisted the assistance of a young lady who works in a salon.  The purpose was to get my 3 little girls' hair taken care of.  I came home in between jobs on Sunday and they were hard at work.  Sunday night when I got home, I went into the bedroom to get my clothes for work the next morning.  When I turned on the light, I was confused by what greeted my eyes.  There, laying at the foot of the bed, was the young lady who had helped my wife with the girls' hair.  Keep in mind, this young lady is in her 20s.  My wife was in the bed as well as my two youngest.  Now get the image of sardines in a can out of your mind.  All four of them had plenty of wiggle room. With that being said, WTF?  Who allows another grown person to sleep in their bed. I dont know the answer.

Blame it on the Alcohol

I had a couple of drinks last night before bed.  Therefore, I am going to blame the complete weirdness of my dream on the alcohol.  In the dream, I was hanging out with some co-workers in what seemed to be a park.  One of the young ladies was leaning up against a tree.  I went and stood in front of her with my arms straight and touching the tree.  As we began to talk, I leaned forward and kissed her, almost as if doing a standing push-up off the tree.  This continued for a few moments as the others continued doing whatever.  This is where the dream takes that weird turn.  I closed my eyes and leaned in for another kiss.  When I opened my eyes, the young lady and I were standing in the moon roof of a stretch limo naked.  From out of no where my manager appeared in a little black dress and heels.  She looked at me and said, “Time to make a choice.”  As I sat there and tried to ponder what the hell was happening, one of my male companions walked up behind the manager and started to fondle her.  She gave no resistance and turned to face him while starting to remove her dress.  I stood there completely dumbfounded and that’s when I woke up.  I don’t what caused any of those elements to come together in a dream.  The people and places should have never been connected.  As I stated before, I am going to blame it on the alcohol.       

Irony

I have a situation I want to discuss about some friends of mine.  As always, they will remain nameless but I will call them Friend1 and Friend2 for explanation purposes.  Friend1 and Friend2 hit a rough spot in their relationship.  Rough to the point they stopped hanging out and speaking with each other.  I remained friends with both of them during this time and would often have to relay messages due to their stubbornness.  They eventually squashed the problem and became friends again.  Now one of them is moving away.  Previously when they were not speaking, Friend1 didn’t seem to care Friend2 was not a part of everyday life.  Now with the news of the move, Friend1 has expressed deep sorrow leading up to the departure of Friend2.  Isn’t that ironic?  Less than a year ago, you didn’t care about each other.  Now, you can’t see being away from each other.  The universe plays some cruel tricks at times.  

WTF Moment - Bank Fees

I was talking to the nephew today because we were going back and forth about a bill he informed me he had paid but the company stated otherwise.  I told him the easiest way to resolve the issue was to access his banking information online to see if the bill had truly been paid.  Oh what an eye-opener this was.  Once I had his bank statements in front of me, it took everything in my not to kill him for the bank fees alone.  According to our calculations he has given the bank over $1000 in overdraft fees in the last 90 days.  WTF?  Really?  So you just gonna give the bank a grand?  But when I ask you to repay me the money you owe me for taking care of your ass for the last year, you broke!  Makes absolutely no sense.  And neither does the fact that I allow it to keep happening.

Another Missed Opportunity

I am one of those people who believe opportunity likes to knock on your door every now and then.  A good thing comes your way and you should take full advantage of it.  If you do not open the door in time, the opportunity will pass you by and will never be seen again.  I recently let an opportunity pass me by.  Opportunity knocked on my door – loudly.  Opportunity was so close to me I could hear it, see it and smell it.  I chose not to take advantage of the opportunity and now it is gone.  This is one missed opportunity I feel I may always regret.

Mental Mistakes

I try to not make mental mistakes very often.  I'm not egotistical but I do know I am good at what I do.  Sometimes I get a little bit of a big head and it gets me in trouble.  Other times, it is just my constant ripping and running and lack of rest that leads to detrimental judgement calls.  Such was the case at work.  The past two weeks I have made some very careless mental mistakes.  No one was harmed in the process but unnecessary attention was put on myself and my peers.  Due to this, I've been given a vacation from work aka a suspension.  I don't know what the future holds.  I just know that if given another chance, I can't make any mental mistakes.

Breaking Up The Band

As I have discussed in some recent posts, I have become very close to one of my female co-workers.  She has welcomed me into her world due to my knowledge and trustworthiness.  We have a good working relationship and often talk outside of work about our home lives.  Our peers and superiors often pair us together and call us "frick and frack."  At least they used to do that.  One of our superiors came to me yesterday and told me to limit the amount of time I spend with my friend at work.  The work people were thinking the wrong things about the two of us.  I am not one who gives a damn about what others think.  I just don't want to draw fire to her unnecessarily.  So I guess it's time for us to part ways and break up the band.

I Will Be Your Comforter

As I have stated in a few posts, I have become very close with a female co-worker recently.  We talk about everything from work topics to our home lives.  We have gotten to the point where the walls are almost completely down and no topic is taboo.  Last month there was a burgalary in her neighborhood.  She has been a little concerned ever since because the robbery happened during the daytime hours.  She went home a few nights ago and noticed a strange vehicle parked near her house.  She went inside and called her husband who was at work.  Knowing it would be a while before he could be there, she opted to call me.  She wanted to stay on the phone with me until he arrived home.  I even offered to drive by her home to make sure the vehicle was gone.  She relaxed once I told her all was clear in her neighborhood.  I'm happy I was able to comfort her and keep her calm until her husband arrived.

Disappearing Act

This past weekend was an example of why I sometimes dislike being in a management position.  I was the closing manager on Saturday for my restaurant.  I counted all the money and prepared to close out for the day.  The report showed I missing a significant amount of money.  None of my employees reported any money problems during the course of the day so I deemed it an anomaly and figured it would correct itself.  This was not the case.  The missing money never appeared.  I could not find anything saying why the money was missing but it was gone.   I ended up replacing the money with my personal funds hoping the accounting department will resolve the issue.

I Don't Always Have The Answer

I was home today and my wife approached me saying she felt antsy.  She was not too sure why.  She asked me to tell her why she might be feeling antsy.  All I could do was look at her and say, "This is one of those times where the answer will only make sense in your mind because I honestly don't know."  I know a lot of things but I don't always have the answer.

Missed Opportunities

It's been said that when opportunity knocks, you have to be willing to let it in.  What happens when you are trying to get to the door and something blocks your path?  One of my old managers from a previous job was in the area today.  We were supposed to meet up for drinks and to catch up on old times.  My work schedule prevented this from happening.  I missed the opportunity to see an old friend.  What do you do when something prevents you from seizing an opportunity.  You adjust and seize the next one.

Cherish

Cherish everyone who comes into your life.  Cherish your loved ones. Cherish the people you like.  Cherish the people you don't like.  Your interactions with all these individuals help define who you are.  You never know when someone will be taken from you and you will miss your opportunity to cherish them.

2012 Review

I decided to spend a little time this morning browsing thru my posts from 2012.  I wanted to see where I was and where I ended up throughout the year.  For the most part, seems as if I kept having to deal with the same shit over and over and over.  Dealing with the nephew and his drama drained my soul.  He has got to go. I really cannot take it anymore.  A lot of my posts from 2012 were about my diabetes and the struggles I face.  There were a few high notes but most of the posts dealt with problems.  In 2012, I mentioned many times about my personality and being flirtatious.  In the words of Popeye the Sailorman, "I am what I am and that's all that I am!"  Riding shotgun with the flirting was my clothes.  A couple of outfits were some true attention getters. Another repeat topic was the concept of "A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime."  The topic I discussed most in 2012 was my wife's health and how it affected the family.  Let's see what 2013 brings.

A Reason, a Season or a Lifetime

I felt the need to post this article.  I don't take credit for anything in it.

A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime.  People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.  They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are.  They are there for the reason you need them to be.  Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.  Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.  Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.  What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;  their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.  They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it!  It is real!  But, only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);  and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

What are you looking at?

Something odd occurred at work the other day and it has been on my mind ever since.  I am hoping that writing about it will give me the needed closure.  One of my female co-workers asked me to come by her desk and assist with a report she has having difficulty formatting.  I stopped by the snack machine to grab some chips and proceeded to her desk.  When I sat down, she turned and looked at me to acknowledge my presence.  She quickly turned her head away.  She looked back at me smiling and turned away again.  She then asked me to leave her desk for about 5 seconds and to return.  I gave her a "What the hell?" look and walked off.  At this point in time, I was trying to determine what happened to cause her reaction.  Did I have something in my teeth?  Was there something in my nose? Did she need to adjust her clothing?  Many more possibilities raced through my mind over the next few minutes.  I returned to her desk and asked if she was ready to look at the report.  She said yes.  I asked what caused her reaction.  She told me that for some reason when she turned and looked at me, she started thinking of me in an inappropriate manner.  Do what? We work together everyday.  What about that particular moment in time made that thought cross your mind?  She later explained it was just something that came over her - no rhyme or reason.

Christmas 2012

I guess that Christmas 2012 has passed by like any other day rather than being a holiday.  Well, I shouldn't say that because there have been a couple of good things that happened to me today.  First of all, I had to work.  Now I volunteered to work on this holiday so it's no big deal.  Just kinda sucks that the holiday fell on my usual day off so I work 6 days this week rather than 5.  My peers and I decided to collaborate on a meal for the managers because most eateries would be closed today.  The meal came out pretty well.  We had rotel, bbq smokies, cookies, cake, fruit and sandwiches.  Not a bad spread with only four people putting it together and feeding about a dozen.  When the evening shift came in, one of the supervisors told us we could leave since we had been there since the building opened.  I left and spent a little while chatting with a friend.  I currently sit at my house alone because my wife and kids are out of town.  I think I am going to do some cleaning up and then call Christmas 2012 a done deal.

True Beauty

I came home from work today with a lot on my mind.  As I walked to the front door, I glanced at the flower beds.  The cantalilies were simply green and brown stalks holding on for dear life preparing to succumb to winter's chill.  The rose bushes seemed to have lost the fight since most had little to no leaves.  One bush though, had not given up.  There, right next to my front door, was a white rose with pink highlights.  The only burst of life and color in the entire ten-foot long bed.  It was the perfect representation of true beauty.  It showed me that regardless of the surroundings, true beauty will always shine through.

Denied

My wife received her letter from the social security disability office yesterday.  She is out of town so I opened it to confirm what I already knew.  She was denied.  No disability check for her. I knew she would be denied.  The reason for the denial:  even though she suffers from depression, migraines and is bipolar the social security administration feels she is still able to work.  She may not be able to work the job she had previously but she can work.  Let's see what happens with her now. I've been telling her this all along.  She refused to believe me.  She wanted to go with what the doctor said.  Hope she realizes the denial decision was based on information from several sources including him.

So Much Drama in Da Dirty South

The nephew decided to text me yesterday to ask if I had a minute to talk.  I texted back ask what was the issue.  His vague response was "a lot of things."  I don't understand the youth of today.  I called him to see what the issue was this time with the mentality that I really don't give a fuck.  He decided to tell me that rather than give me the money he owes me, he gave it to one of his kids' mother since his little girl is about to start daycare.  This is where the story takes that fucked up turn.  He goes on to tell me there is a chance the baby may not be his and the chick admitted to this fact.  Do what?  Baby not his?  I told him I had no advice for him at this point and he may want to seek legal advice.  What in the hell?  Once again I need people to be careful who they lay up with.  I'm proof of that everyday now that I am dealing with my bipolar wife.  I have never seen so much unnecessary drama in my life.

Holiday Spirits

The last couple of days have succeeded in giving me reason to enjoy the spirits of the holiday season.  Yesterday, based on the great news I received about my readmission into school, I purchased a bottle of vodka as a congrats to myself.  Today, my manager gave me another bottle of flavored vodka for a Christmas gift.  Did I mention the wife and kids are out of town?  Things are really shaping up for me to be able to enjoy the spirits of the holiday.

Finally Some Good News

I have really gotten to the point I dislike having my cell phone.  Granted I work in a call center during the day and a pizza chain at night, I don't mind talking on the phone.  My problem comes with WHO is calling all the time.  I realize these people are only doing their job but I am at the point I have the script for my mortgage company memorized.  I even went thru the whole thing one day with no prompting from the agent because she caught me at a bad time.  Today, however, I received some welcome news.  My appeal for readmission into online classes was approved.  I've got another chance to achieve my goal.  When my advisor called me today with the news I was elated.  I told her the phone call was the best Christmas gift I could have received this year.  Now I just have to make the most of this opportunity.  

Friends

I’ve talked many times about the relationship I have with my real friends.  My ride or die compadres.  One of my friends texted me on Monday night saying she may need a ride to the doctor on Tuesday because she was ill.  I had an eye appointment Tuesday morning so I asked what time she needed to go.  Tuesday morning I went by her house to check on her.  She looked and sounded terrible.  She called her physician and was told to come in immediately.  I took her to the doctor and spent the next two hours of my off day in the office with her.  After getting her diagnosis, we went to the pharmacy to drop off the prescriptions.  I took her home and returned to the pharmacy to get her medicine.  I dropped the medicine off on my way to work.  That’s the advantage of having real friends.  They will be there for you through thick and thin, sickness and in health.  

Working for Nothing

The nephew’s bank statement showed up the other day.  I was unaware it was here because I seldom check the mail.  While speaking with my wife about him and his current financial status, she mentioned the statement.  We looked at it to see if we could figure out where he was spending his money cause it obviously was not being spent on my household.  I was dumbfounded by what I saw.  The statement detailed the fact his account was $200 overdrawn at the beginning of the month.  He got paid which erased the overdraft and then proceeded to spend more money.  He again caused his account to be overdrawn by about $200.  The statement actually had a line stating the total overdraft fees for the year which exceeded $1400.  That’s enough to pay truck note and mortgage for one month.  Now I see why he has no money.  He is basically working to pay the bank.  He is working for nothing.  

Wile E Coyote

Have you ever watched the old Wile E. Coyote/Road Runner cartoons?  To this day it amazes me that Wile E.  spent years of his life plotting and planning to catch this elusive bird and always failed.  No matter what scheme he hatched or how much he charged on his Acme card, he could never succeed.  I always wonder what would have happened if he actually caught the Road Runner.  I am starting to feel that way in my life.  I have tried and tried yet some things just won’t work out the way I want them to.  I’m starting to think I’m a modern day Wile E Coyote.  With that being said, I think this modern day coyote is going to do the smart thing and give up the chase.  No use wasting time on what will not be.

Inside That I Cried

Inside that I cried.  That's how I used to be.  I used to have this awesome poker face.  I could look like nothing was bothering me when my world was in fact, in total chaos.  I used to keep everything to myself.  I used to keep my problems inside so as to not bother others.  The problem with keeping everything inside is that eventually there has to be a release.  I have started to release more and more as my life continues its downward spiral.  In the past, no one knew anything about me.  Today, I am willing to tell every intricate detail of my existence to anyone willing to listen.  I have to get back to how I used to be.  Gotta get back to crying only on the inside.

Crime and Punishment

There's a saying that goes "don't do the crime if you can't do the time."  My two oldest children decided to do something they were not supposed to do today and are having to learn a harsh lesson.  My wife called me  around 2pm today to inform me that our two oldest children decided to skip school today.  Apparently rather than get on the bus this morning they decided to go into the attic and hide out all day.  Good news is that neither of them were hurt.  The punishment for skipping school had to be severe.  I decided the punishment would be no Christmas gifts for either of them.  The middle child ran down the hall crying.  The eldest, in true defiance, was nonchalant.  She muttered under her breath that she had money and could get her own gift.  I guess she has forgotten that she can't drive to go anywhere to purchase said gift.  Let's wait and see how my girls deal with crime and punishment.

Times Have Changed

My eldest daughter had her choir concert tonight.  This was a shining example of how things have changed over the years.  First of all, for it to be an event at night at the school, I expected some type of security.  Nope.  When we walked into the building there was a group of kids handing out programs.  They were dressed in jeans, tennis shoes and one girl was even wearing a cap.  Not exactly what you expect walking into a choir program.  As we approached the auditorium there was a young man sitting on the floor talking on his cell phone while it was plugged into the wall charging.  During the program I noticed a woman recording the show with her tablet PC.  Many others were taking pics and recording the show with their smartphones.  Long gone are the days of big bulky camcorders.  Times have surely changed.  

Unfit to Work

Based on the conversation with the doctor yesterday, it has been determined my wife is unfit to work a strenuous full time job.  The doctor said she should be able to handle light duty.  What the hell is light duty?  Basically this son of a bitch told me that my wife needs to be a housewife.  Great.  She’s been out of work 6.5 months and is no better at keeping the house up than she was when she was working full time.  Maybe he should have said she is unfit to do any type of work. 

These are Her Confessions – Thoughts of Suicide

While at the doctor yesterday my wife made a confession.  She always seems to want to reveal these dark truths when we are at one of her doctors.  She told the doctor and myself that she hadn’t been sleeping at night.  She told us that she sits up at night thinking of ways to kill herself and she does not know why.  She told us she took 11 sleeping pills one night recently.  Guess what?  They didn’t work.  She woke up the next morning.  I’m not too sure if it was a miracle or luck.  What I do know is that her doctor is a motherfucking fool for prescribing more of the same pill after that confession. 

WTF – Not Pregnant

My youngest daughter is 3yrs old.  I’m starting this entry off with that information because it plays a vital part in understanding what I am about to say.  I went to my wife’s appointment with her yesterday.  As we were leaving the office, we stopped at the payment window and were greeted by the new secretary.  She looked at my wife and asked “how far along are you?”  My wife looked and said “I’m not pregnant.”  WTF?!  As a female, if your stomach is big to the point people think you are pregnant when you aren’t and you did not recently give birth, you’ve got a problem.  It’s time to get off the couch, out the bed and in somebody gym or on the floor doing some crunches.  It’s funny how she wants to be someone I am proud to have on my arm.  She used to be that.  Nowadays – not so much.  

The Hand I was Dealt - Countdown to Losing Everything

Until recently I think I did a pretty good job of handling the hand life dealt me.  I kept a few aces up my sleeve just in case things didn’t go my way.  I guess life decided to switch things up and change dealers.  And this new motherfucker is ruthless.  Every time I think I have the upper hand, he pulls a Joker.  I can’t compete with that no matter how hard I try.  I think it is time to begin my countdown to losing everything.  I never thought I would reach this point in my life.  Working hard and always hustling has gotten me through some tough times.  This time however, there isn’t a hustle in the world that can turn things around.  I’m going to do what I can to survive as long as I can but eventually everything I have worked so hard to get will be gone. 

Don’t Hate the Personality

My wife decided to accompany me to my appointment yesterday.  Needless to say, that did not go well for her.  When I walked into the office the administrative assistant instantly greeted me by saying my name.  The nurse called me back to check my vitals. As usual I was cracking jokes about what the test results would say.  I saw the doctor (who happened to be female) and it was pretty much the same routine.  I just have one of those personalities where people like me.  When we left the office and got in the car, the first thing out of my wife’s mouth was “do you flirt everywhere you go?”  I just looked at her.  Call it what you want.  I know who I am and what I do.  And I bring smiles to people everywhere I go.

WTF – Fashion No-No

We have been having some weird weather lately.  Well I shouldn’t say weird because it is typical of this time of year.  Freezing temps over night and mid 60s by noon.  With that in mind, I saw what I consider a fashion no-no today.  I was driving past a park with a walking trail.  I saw a young lady walking the path.  She was wearing a sweatshirt, some tights and snow boots.  WTF?  First of all, it rarely snows here.  I mean like rarely to the point that an inch of snow would shut shit down.  Secondly, who the hell goes walking for exercise in snow boots?  

Letting Go of the Past

I am a huge fan of my past.  I find myself spending hours on the internet watching old videos from the 90s.  That was a happy time in my life.  Graduated in the mid 90s and went off to college.  I had my whole life to look forward to.  I should have known when our first child was born life was going to take a drastic turn.  I thought if I keep pushing the woman in my life she would become successful with me.  That didn’t happen.  I keep looking to my past looking for answers and I’m not finding them.  I guess it is time to let go of the past and move on.

Don’t Use My Children Against Me

One of the things I dislike the most about my wife is when she tries to use my children against me.  She puts the children in the middle of our personal conflicts and uses them as a shield.  Prime example occurred yesterday.  I was pissed off after her doctor’s appointment.  Rather than cursing her for the rest of the day I went the opposite direction and decided not to talk to her at all.  Due to the silent treatment, she decided to stay in my room (my mancave).  There is where I sleep every night without her.  So why did she feel so obliged to come into the room with our 3yr old and make a place on the floor to sleep?  I guess she figured I would not act a fool because our child was there.  She was right partly.  I didn’t act a fool.  I chose to sleep in the bedroom by myself.  Once again, don’t use my children against me.  Things will not work out the way you want. 

Doctor's Visit

I had another doctor visit today.  Today I had to go see the team of people who handle my diabetes.  My wife decided to take along on this trip.  Needless to say, things were interesting. First of all, when my blood pressure was checked, it was a little high.  Nothing major, just high.  My A1c was down to single digits but still not where we want it to be.  While we were in the lobby, I was reading an article about the symptoms of high blood glucose.  One of the symptoms was erectile dysfunction.  I showed the article to my wife because I had mentioned to her recently that my blood sugar was the cause of us not being able to be intimate one night.  So when we were talking to the doctor she wanted me to bring up the matter.  The doctor's response...pills.  She explained options like Cialis and Viagra run about $25 per pill and are not covered by insurance.  She told me about another pill made by the same company for about half the price.  She gave me some samples to try.  We'll see how this works out.

I Don't Know What to Tell You

Last night the nephew came to me with a situation.  He informed me that the young lady who caught a charge for had visited his job.  He went on to tell me she spoke to his current girlfriend.  She told the current girlfriend she lied about the whole situation with the nephew.  He asked me what should he do about it.  I told him he could talk to the young lady and see if she would be willing to talk to a lawyer/judge about the truth to try and clear his name.  I also told him it may be too late because the damage has been done.  I don't know what to tell him.  I have never been in a situation remotely close to what he is going through.

What Makes Me Smile

This morning a friend sent me a text message.  Simply reading it made me smile.  I've been thinking about that message as I have been growing throughout my day.  It doesn't take much to make me smile.  I've been watching old 90s videos on youtube for the last 1.5 hours thinking about the good old days.  I was reminded of a happier time in my life.  I was reminded of what it takes to make me smile.

It Was All Good Just A Week Ago

Things seemed to be ok in my life just a week ago.  I had a conversation with one of my managers.  He told me it was the end of the year and time for annual reviews.  He told me he appreciated my help with trying to maintain the business and help it grow.  I had started to regain my focus and attention at my full time job and was preparing to lead my team in to the new year.  Then BAM! Shit happens.  Apparently I took too long to decide to lead my team into 2013 because my manager has decided to take some unique measures to ensure my success.  Good news is that I still have the job.  My other manager decided to tell me that for some reason the weekly reports had not been sent to our corporate team the last couple of weeks and that I must be doing something wrong.  Now mind you that I have been doing these reports for years with no problem.  Oh, almost forgot to mention the stuff at home.  First of all, my wife is having suicidal thoughts again.  As usual we spent all around each other and she said nothing. As soon as I left for work, I received a text about her head hurting and not being able to sleep so she was thinking of ways to kill herself.  And finally for this week, my wife decided to text me again while I was at work to tell me that our eldest child is gay.  I have no problems with my child being gay.  My problem comes from the fact that the wife found out about our child's sexual preference via facebook and then communicated the info to me via text.  It's times like this when I hate modern technology and social media.  I want to go back in time.  Things were all good just a week ago.

I Ain't Got No Worries

My wife raised a concern to me today stating I seem to be heading back down a path of destruction from earlier in our marriage.  One of my female co-workers has started to text and call me a lot.  There is nothing going on between us and I can say she is happily married with kids.  She just likes having someone to relate to at work.  My seems to think there may be more to the story.  I gave her my relationship quote:  "If you are taking care of your partner, physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually then he/she is not going to leave."  After I made that statement, my wife said she was not sure where she rated because I never provide her with feedback about the physical and with her not working, the financial is bust.  I ain't got no worries cause I am taking care of my business.   Hope she takes that message to heart.

That Shit Ain't Cute

I am one of the first people to say every outfit is not made for every body.  Just because it looks good in a magazine, on a mannequin or even on your friend, does not mean it will look good on you.  Take today for an example.  I saw a young lady trying to look cute in a sweater dress, tights and heel boots.  Now the outfit itself was a great ensemble.  The body it was wrapped around not so much.  I need people to really know how to look at themselves in a reflective surface and truly question if they should be seen in public in certain clothes.  

WTF Moment - Common Sense

Some things in life are just common sense.  If it is raining outside you either stay indoors or find something to keep the water off of you.  If it is cold outside, you grab something to keep you warm.  If your car is making a loud, strange noise, you get it checked out.  At least that is what the average person does.  Needless to say, my not so average wife has been transporting my children around in the van and it sounds terrible.  There is a knocking which seems to be coming from the passenger side.  Add to this the fact that it looks like someone hit the side of the van and left paint on it.  WTF?  You tell me you saw it a couple of days ago and didn’t tell me?  It’s days like this that really make me wanna become an alcoholic.

Who Motivates the Motivator?

I try to be a motivator to most people in my life.  I try to see the best in people and encourage them to put forth effort.  I like to make people smile, laugh and enjoy life.  What happens, however, when I am the one who needs encouragement?  What happens when I hit a rut and don’t want to be bothered?  Who motivates the eternal motivator?

Give it Up, Turn it Loose

I have been told that if you love someone or something you should have enough faith to let it go.  If the person or the thing comes back to you, then it was meant to be.  That’s the hard part - letting go.  I have reached a point in my life once again where I need to just let go cause I’m holding on to something with a deteriorating thread.  Guess it’s time to give it up and turn it loose. 

Thankful

I'm thankful for the way my body handles my disease for the most part.  I'm thankful that during a hypoglycemic episode candy or glucose tablets can correct the issue and allow me to function.  I'm thankful that during a hyperglycemic episode, a dose of insulin, some water and time are all that's needed to correct the issue.   I'm thankful that my body does not want to go to the hospital and even when it is not at its best, it is good enough to perform most of the tasks asked of me.  I'm thankful that so far, my disease is not life-threatening.