Guess She Doesn't Want My Help Anymore

I tried to leave both of my previous job correctly.  I provided each manager with a resignation letter and worked until the last possible day.  I wanted to leave on good terms in case the new job does not work out.  I made it clear that if I had any free time I would reach out to the old jobs and assist until they were properly staffed.  My retail pharmacy manager was thrilled to hear this and indicated that even if I only work a couple of hours every other week that would help.  Yesterday, however, my manager at my fast food job gave me a vibe like she was done with me completely.  I went by the store to tell her how my day went and to let her know about a employee who is coming back to the area and wants to work again.  I left the store and headed home.  She texted me and asked if I had left my keys to the store.  I had honestly not even thought about the keys.  I returned to the store after a while and gave them to her.  The fact that she wanted my store key kinda made me feel like she doesn't want me there.  That's fine. Life goes on.  I guess she doesn't want my help so I'll use my talents elsewhere. 

The New Job

The new job started yesterday.  It was a fairly typical first day.  I got a tour of the office.  I was shown where my desk is located.  I spent a good portion of the day creating usernames and passwords for all of the systems I will have to access.  My manager took me to lunch.  After lunch I had a online meeting with a member of the HR team to discuss benefits and payroll.  After the meeting, I read over some information.  I'm currently on lunch of day 2.  I spent my morning shadowing my manager and another tech.  After lunch I'll be shadowing someone working with another product.  So far, I like the new job.  We'll see what happens as the days pass by.

Complications of "The Process"

Going back to my post a week ago about my "girlfriend" wanting a baby, we decided to call the procedure "the process."  I did a little research on my end for the "process" and have noted a few early complications which I briefly discussed with her (we plan to have a more detailed conversation later).  As previously stated, the biggest hurdle to this process is my health.  I'm a terrible diabetic.  I don't eat right.  I don't check my blood sugar. I don't take my medicine properly.  That's 3 strikes right of the back.  Add to those 3 items that even if I was a good diabetic, heal time after surgery can be a monster.  Speaking of the surgery, a call to a local urologist clinic that performs the reversal provided the following info.  Just for the consultation - just to talk to someone about getting unfixed is $150.  Since most insurances will not pay for the procedure, the cost is $2500 due before the surgery.  Add to that the $1000 for the anesthesia.  Oh, forgot to mention the cost of the recovery room even though it is outpatient surgery.  I'm still waiting to get the price but I'm sure it's not cheap.  I'm guessing that it will cost about $5000+ in total for the reverse vasectomy.  Depending on the procedure used to reverse the vasectomy, it could take 6-12 months for sperm to stabilize -IF the surgery is successful.  All of this has to be taken care of before we get into the "process" of having a baby. 

Stop Saying Wife

I really have to work on my vocabulary.  I was at work the other day talking to a customer and I realized I was saying wife rather than ex-wife.  Co-workers ask how are the wife and kids and I respond. I'm not too sure if it's just habit of saying wife or if it's my way of not letting people know that I am divorced.  In any event, I have to make myself stop saying wife and call her what she is - my ex-wife. 

If They Only Knew

Most of my soon to be ex-coworkers are thrilled about my new job opportunity.  They are happy that I may be able to work just one job rather then trying to juggle two.  They are also happy that I should be able to spend more time with my family.  That's funny to me because they are unaware of my divorce.  I'm not the type of person who advertises my personal business so they don't know that I've been living away from my family for months.  If they only knew what really goes on in my life. 

Weird Dreams

I've had some weird dreams the last couple of nights.  Part of the problem is that I can't remember most of the dream which I know is typical.  The things I do remember are situations bringing together two elements that would never interact (at least I don't think they would). One dream had a previous manager of mine and myself in what appeared to be a basement.  We were just there talking and I think I was washing clothes.  The other dream occurred at my retail job.  A customer was asking about merchandise we stage behind the counter.  I told her to come behind the counter so she could get a better look and make a decision.  I turned my back to the register to help her for a second.  Then I felt someone bump into me.  It was another person who had come behind the counter but he was trying to access the cash register.  I leaned on his shoulder and whispered to him that he was on camera so he may want to cease and desist.  That's when I woke up.  I'm not sure what caused those dreams or if there is any meaning to them but they were indeed, weird.  

Stop Giving Advice

People come to me for advice for different reasons.  I don't know if it's because of my vast array of knowledge (jack of all trades - master of none) or if it's because they feel I will always be honest with them but people value my opinion.  That being said, I've run into situations recently where I have given what I considered good advice.  The individual(s) receiving the advice chose to ignore it and did their own thing.  This decision led to continued problems.  Here's my thing - why ask for my advice and then do the opposite?  In other situations, I chose not to give advice because I knew the individual would not follow my guidance.  This also led to an unhappy situation.  So what's the point??  If I give advice, people don't use it properly.  If I don't give advice, people get upset that I didn't try to steer them in the right direction.  Damned if I do. Damned if I don't. 
 

Valentine's Day 2019

Valentine's Day 2019 has come and gone and it was nothing like I expected.  The gifts I received for Valentine's Day came from my girlfriend last week.  She got me a card, bear and some candy.  The "Happy Valentine's Day" texts I received came from:  my ex-wife, my ex-at-work wife, a co-worker and my girlfriend.  And then there was work.  We were busy at both jobs.  I anticipated the fast food job being a little busy with schools/daycare facilities trying to do parties but we were busy beyond that.  The madness continued until the after dinner hours and unfortunately I was unable to stay and help because I had to be at my retail job at 4pm.  Of course the retail job was no better.  People were out last minute shopping hoping that Valentine Day items had been marked down. Nope! My retail job was busy until the after dinner hours also.  So all in all, VDay 2019 was uneventful and busy.

I'm So Sick of Love Songs (Not Really)

Valentine's Day 2019 is tomorrow.  The day of LOVE!  Never quit understood why you could only love someone on just one day but hey - somebody turned it into a billion dollar marketing day for candy, teddy bears and flowers.  Anyway, speaking of love, my love of R&B songs has been wavering a little recently.  I attribute it to my divorce.  It's a little hard to listen to songs that you created mixed tapes of or burned CDs of when you are no longer with a person after 20+ years.  But then again, I love music.  So regardless of who I am in love with (if anyone at all), my passion for great music won't die.  So I guess I really am not sick of love songs - I just have a different reason to like them. 

My Girlfriend Wants a Baby

My girlfriend recently approached me with the idea that she wants to have a baby.  For those of you keeping score at home, you will know that I use the term "girlfriend" loosely for obvious reasons. But considering I am actually divorced, I guess she could actually hold that title. Anyway - back to the topic.  She went on to inform me that she wanted me to be the father.  This is where things get complicated.  She initially didn't want her mother to look at me as some nigga who knocked her up so she had the idea of me simply donating my sperm.  In an ideal world, that might be a great idea.  In my world, not so much.  I have very strong genes.  My kids all look like me.  I'm sure this child would be no different so her mom would know who the "donor" was when the baby is born.  Moving on.  For those of you just joining the blog and for those who need a refresher, I'm fixed.  I got snipped after my last daughter was born about 9 years ago.  Therefore, in order for me to donate any sperm, I would require surgery to reverse my vasectomy.  With my diabetes, surgery becomes a problem because of slow healing and the risk of infections/complications.  I really want to try and help but I don't know if my health will allow me to be a baby daddy again.  

Signing Away Life As I Know It

Well, there's no going back now.  I turned in my resignation letters at both of my current jobs this past Saturday.   I just emailed my signed documents accepting my new position.  I've signed away my life as I currently know it (trying to work 2 jobs to survive) in hopes that this new one will be enough.  Only time and trying will tell.

My oldest baby is becoming a woman

Most parents will tell you that regardless of age, your children are always your babies.  I had to go by the house and pick up my oldest daughter to take her somewhere recently.  When I got there, she was not ready.  Dressed like a typical 20-something year old, she had on a sweatshirt, jeans and no makeup when I arrived.  I waited for her to get ready.  She returned with a wig that ran halfway down her back, a nice top, slacks and heels, plus her makeup was done. It was a complete transformation.  She had gone from being my little girl to a grown woman in a matter of minutes.  Either I'm getting old or my kids are growing up. 

My 2nd Greatest Fear

Failure has always been my greatest fear.  Not being able to accomplish something that I truly put effort into really gets to me.  My recent divorce is an example of such a failure.  My second greatest fear came up a couple of weeks ago.  I wasn't feeling well and was home alone.  I started to feel like it may be one of those cases where I needed emergency medical assistance.  What would normally happen would be me complaining and throwing up until my wife either forced me to go to the hospital or called an ambulance.  Unfortunately that did not happen and I tried to tough it out.  I survived but barely.  The episode made me think.  My second greatest fear, the fear of dying alone, has become a true possibility.  If I had passed out, it may have been days before someone found my body.  My second greatest fear is more of a reality than I would like for it to be.

Knock, knock. Who is it? Opportunity

An opportunity knocked on my door recently and I am still trying to determine if it is worth the risk.  While at my retail store job, I spoke with a customer who works for a local tech support company.  Based on what I said, he felt I would be a good candidate.  He provided me with his manager's email and phone number.  I gave my resume a much needed update since I had not been on a serious job hunt in 3 years.  I was then scheduled for a phone interview.  The interviewer liked our conversation and sent my information to the local manager.  I scheduled a face to face interview.  I spoke with the manager as well as 2 of the techs.  I think they were impressed with my skill set.  The manager asked me to come back and meet some of the other techs.  We're talking about 35k a year with benefits, vacation and 401k.  I've been crunching numbers to see if I can live off one job based on my recent divorce.  Opportunity is knocking.  I'm just hoping I don't let in a financial disaster. 

One Month Down, A Lifetime to Go

My divorce was finalized one month ago and filed in court.  It's amazing how things are supposed to change.  According to tax law, I get to file as "single" since the divorce occurred before 12/31/18.  I stopped wearing my wedding ring on my hand.  It now resides on a chain around my neck.  I still have not exercised my right to a weekend with the kids but that's because the divorce didn't impact my work schedule.  Many other things have happened since the divorce which I will discuss in other posts.  The most important thing is that I survived the first month. 

I May Be Done With Relationships

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship status while waiting for the divorce to finalize.  I've realized that I've invested over 2 decades of my life with one person (for the most part). I had a few "challenges." Hey - I'm no saint and I admit that.  But I also know that even though I'm in my early forties, at this point in my life, I don't feel like going through learning another person like I learned my ex-wife.  I think I'm going to go back to my childhood dream.  I'm going to tackle life on my own and my sole companion will be a dog. Lol

New Year - Same Old Me

I often tell people I'm not a fan of New Year's resolutions.  Now they may work for some people but I believe you can make a change any time, not just at the start of the year.  That being said, I'm starting 2019 off the way I ended 2018.  I'm going to be the same old me regardless.

I Hate When I'm Right About Bad Situations

Sometimes in life, you just have a feeling about a situation.  Something tugs at your soul and screams "warning" or "danger."  I had that feeling with the recent change at my job.  At first, I thought it was just the hater in me rearing its ugly head.  Unfortunately, it wasn't me hating.  The change has disrupted the balance I had worked hard for 2 months to build.  I'm almost to the point where I want to leave myself. 

New Sheriff in Town

I thought I was doing a fairly decent job at my fast food job in my new role.  I was trying to do everything in my power to help grow the business.  Because of this, I was literally working almost 60 hours per week. I was there every single day for some reason or another trying to help us get better.  Well, all that hard work was appreciated by the higher ups, but the overtime they were paying me apparently became a problem.  They brought in another store manager to help me.  I'm not saying that I don't appreciate the help but some of her methods are completely opposite of what I was trying to do with the team.  Also, on a more personal note, bring on another manager meant my hours had to get cut - drastically.  I won't know until my next paycheck how much of an impact this will have financially but I can't afford to make any less money in my current situation. 

Merry Christmas - Divorce Finalized

The fat lady has sung her heart out.  My divorce was filed in court on 12/26/18.  How's that for a Christmas present? It's not like I didn't know it was coming.  O well. Time to move on with life and see what the future brings.

Since my last post

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since my last post.  A lot has happened.  I kept saying I was going to post stuff but work, friends and fatigue got the best of me.  I'm going to try and post a few things now before work and maybe some more tonight when I get home. 

I Tried

I used to be one of those parents who could attend activities with my kids due to my work schedule.  When I worked overnight, it was never a problem to go on a field trip during the day or attend a function.  When I stopped working overnight, those opportunities went away.  Since I moved out of the house a few weeks ago because of the divorce, I have not seen my kids.  I was supposed to get them for visitation a couple of weekends ago but as always, I had to work.  These past Friday, my youngest had a part in a school program.  I was off that morning so I tried to go see it and more importantly, see her.  When I arrived, I was told the program was not open to the general public.  I asked could I go in because my child had a part.  I was still told no.  Disappointed, I just walked away and texted my wife. I tried. 

She Finally Found Out

I had purposely avoided telling my "girlfriend" about my pending divorce.  I didn't want her to blame herself.  Also, I didn't want to impact her decision making in regards to moving.  She came back into town last week to deal with some personal business.  She came by to say while I was at work.  I told her about what was going on and she reacted as I expected.  I really didn't want to tell her but I was tired of trying to shield her from my unfortunate truth. 

Dear Customer

Couple of quick laughs from the Dear Customer files.

1.  Listen to the phone prompts:  when you call my retail pharmacy job, there is a nice phone tree that will guide you to customer service, the pharmacy or the photo department.  My problem is that people don't listen to the prompts.  I've spoken to lots of people who are checking on a prescription that was called in by their doctor only to put them on hold and transfer them to the pharmacy so they can repeat the whole story again!

2. Is your drug store open:  I love dealing with elderly people.  The way they refer to things is timeless.  I had a lady come in the other day and ask if the drug store was open.  My first thought was "Yes. You just walked in the door."  Then I realized she was referring to the pharmacy!  Yes mam.  The drug store is in the back and it is open for business.   

Say Hello to Your Wife

I have not told anyone other than my mother about my pending divorce.  I don't want my coworkers giving their opinion and feedback.  That being said, I've been working more now because of my new leadership role with my fast food job.  I was talking to one of my superiors the other day and he made the comment "Say hello to your wife. I'm sure she would love to see you some time since you're working so much."  Funny he would say something like that when I am trying to limit communication with her to a bare minimum.   

WTF Moment - I Hate Niggas

This morning reminded me of why I hate niggas. Now for those who are reading this, don't for a single second think that my previous statement was in any way racist.  I'm not referring to "nigga" as a derogatory term referring to black people cause I'm black myself.  The "nigga" I'm referring to can be any color/race.  These "niggas" are lazy, crazy or stupid.  Here's the situation(s).  I had to go to the laundromat this morning.  So at 6am I drove to the location near my hotel.  As soon as I parked, a guy approached me.  He asked me how many loads of clothes I needed to wash.  He told me he could provide me with a lifetime blessing for $7.  He then proceeds to enter the laundromat with me and takes me to a machine.  He presses a button on the machine and it registers like coins are being entered.  So he has discovered a machine with a short and is using it to hustle people.  Straight nigga shit! I told him thanks but I would use another machine.  As I waited for my clothes to wash, I observed him try to run the same scheme of several people.  Really?! Nigga - put that effort into finding a job rather than begging.  Now for part 2.  Another patron entered the laundromat.  He walked to a machine as if he had left his clothes and was returning to put them in the dryer.  He asked me if I saw anyone go to the machine.  After I said no, he looked sick. He walked around checking all the washers and dryers.  He realized someone had stolen his clothes while he was gone.  Again, nigga shit.  How you gonna steal somebody clothes at the laundromat? 

A Bitch Named Karma

I am a huge fan of sayings and quotes especially when they are impactful.  Karma is a bitch always remains at the top of my list. As a friend of mine used to say, the universe has a way of righting the wrong and karma is that way.  As I stated in my previous post, I moved out of my house last Thursday and left it for my wife and kids as we continue going thru this divorce.  Monday night, my wife texted me and asked if I could text my youngest daughter's phone because she was worried that I had not called or seen them.  Yesterday my wife called and asked if I would be able to assist her financially any this month.  Prior to her call, I had tried to check to make sure the utilities were paid but she has changed all the logins and passwords.  I asked what she needed because I had to make sure I could take care of myself.  I have yet to get a response. That bitch named karma has struck again. 

Off On My Own

As I continue on this journey of divorce, things are changing.  Last week I moved out of the house I worked so hard to get.  My wife wanted me to "stop torturing" her and our 2 younger daughters by remaining there.  Also, she had applied for government assistance stating I was already gone.  My original plan was to try to survive in my car for a couple of weeks to save money to get an apartment.  My mother wasn't trying to hear that.  She insisted that I find a hotel and she would assist with paying if necessary.  Luckily I was able to find an extended stay hotel for $250 per week.  So it's basically like having a one room apartment. I have a 42" tv (which I don't watch), fridge, microwave, 2 electric burners for cooking, bathroom with shower and most importantly a bed.  I knew with this divorce I would be off on my own.  Just didn't think it would be this soon and under these circumstances. 

Eat My Own Words

When talking about the women in my life and ranking their importance, I usually explain it as:

1.  My mother comes first.  She shaped me into the man I have become (for the most part). 
2.  My girls come second.  They are each unique in their own way and cannot be replaced.
3.  Wife or girlfriend.  Divorce and breakups happen daily.  She's replaceable.

As much as I have said that in the past, I never thought I would have to actually eat my own words and go through a divorce.  After 20+ years of being together, once the ink on the paperwork dries, I guess it will be time to start searching for a replacement.    

The Nail in the Coffin

The final nail has been placed on the coffin.  It's just a matter of time before this casket is sealed shut.  My wife presented me with the divorce papers when I got home tonight.  She had already signed her name and the date.  I should have known because she asked me was I going to sign them.  We discussed some of the details such as the parenting class we have to attend and the fact the documents have to be notarized since I waived my right to an attorney.  I told her I would try to be out of the house asap so she can move on with her life.  We talked about visitation which I said was not important because once I leave, I won't have a residence to stay in.  We talked about our assets and how our debt would be settled.  It all went in one ear and out of the other.  All I heard was the imaginary sound of a hammer slowly tapping a nail.  During our wedding vows, we said until death do us part.  Guess we're dead to each now. 

I Used to Love Halloween

Years ago, Halloween was my favorite holiday.  It was one day of the year you could be anybody you wanted and no one judged you too terribly.  I used to go all out.  I would decorate my front yard and house.  I would decorate at work if the company allowed.  I would have these awesome Halloween bashes with my closest friends (check previous blogs for more insight.)  But now, Halloween means nothing to me.  I don't decorate anything.  My friends have all moved away so no parties.  I don't even get excited about Halloween candy and I work in a retail pharmacy store full of it!  I used to love Halloween but somewhere along the way, I lost sight of its magic. 

I Don't Know What To Think

As this divorce get closer and closer to being finalized, things are getting more stressful and weirder.  My wife and I were already barely talking but we are to a point now where communication is almost nonexistent.  This morning I walked past her in the kitchen.  Not a word was said.  When we do talk, it's something about the divorce.  She has been pressing me to go ahead and move out.  Easier said than done.  I'm a forty-year old man with no friends I can turn to for assistance.  The people I work with are either married or young so I can't lean on them for a place to stay.  Obviously if I can't afford to maintain the house we are in, how can I afford to get an apartment to live in?  Now, here's a twist.  Although she wants me out of the house, she called me twice last week asking if I was coming directly home after work.  She wanted to go out and our house guest was not home.  Soooo you want me to move out but you want me at the house when you need me?  I don't know what to think. 

The Cycle of Life

It's funny how life treats us sometimes.  This past weekend, my sister-in-law got married.  My wife and daughters attended the service.  If things continue moving at the current pace, I'll be signing divorce papers within a week.  Funny how one life starts and another one ends.  I guess that's how things go to maintain balance in the universe. 

WTF Moment - Strange Dream

Like most people, I usually don't remember my dreams.  The ones I do remember often have something dramatic or traumatic occur which makes them stand out.  I should have blogged about this yesterday when I initially awoke from the dream but it was strange and I had a lot of other things on my mind. 

So apparently in this dream, I was attending some type of gathering or party near the residence of one of my co-workers.  It was an outdoor event but it did not seem to centralized at one particular residence because I remember people walking by and cars passing on the street.  I'm guessing it was some type of block party.  My co-worker approached me while I was outside talking to one of her male family members.  Seemed like a father or uncle based on the conversation.  He walked into the house and she walked out in a sundress.  Now mind you of two things.  One: my co-worker is a very attractive young lady but she has a boyfriend so I have made no attempts at her.  Two:  I have only seen her in work clothes so this sundress look was completely my imagination at its best.  She came over and started talking to me.  After a few minutes, she asked if I wanted to sit down rather than standing and talking.  She suggested we sit in the trunk part of my SUV.  I could tell this was a dream made vehicle because the trunk area was enormous.  We were able to climb into to back and sit comfortably with no problem.  We continued to talk and at one point she straddled me.  She was slightly aggressive and told me not to hold back because she knew that I wanted her.  Frozen with confusion, I just laid there.  The next thing I knew, another male family member was snatching her off of me and out of the SUV.  The person I had spoken with earlier grabbed me and said it was time for me to leave and never come back.  That's when I woke up.  I'm not sure what sparked that foolishness.  

Shit just got real

My wife and I have toyed with the idea of getting a divorce many times over the course of our 14 year marriage.  This time, however, shit has gotten real.  She provided me with a draft of the divorce papers last night so I could read over them and see if I wanted to add anything.  After our conversation, she told me that she would submit the documents back to her friend to write up the final draft.  Based on that, I'll probably be signing divorce papers next week. It's been a unique ride but it looks like it's about to come to an end. 

The Great Dog Caper

Anyone that knows me, knows I have dogs.  My most recent two were a shepard terrier mix weighing about 40 pounds and a lab bloodhound mix weighing about 50 pounds.  I look to these animals as companions and protectors.  The kids enjoy having them around and interact with them frequently.  Back toward the end of August, my dogs disappeared.  Normally if they got out of the yard, they would walk the neighborhood and come back so I was not too concerned.  However, days passed by without any sign of them.  I started calling animal control in my area as well as all the local animal hospitals hoping for a break. A staff member at one of the animal hospitals contacted me when she saw a picture of one of the dogs on Facebook.  Someone had found my terrier mix and turned her in to an animal hospital several miles away.  I was able to retrieve her with no problem.  A week and a half passed by before I found my lab mix.  She had been living in a ditch and someone turned her in to the same animal hospital.  They contacted me and it was a happy reunion.  Or so I thought.  I kept wondering how my dogs ended up several miles away from home in the next town.  I thought someone had dognapped them.  Come to find out my wife drove the dogs to the next town and tried to get rid of them.  She felt the animals had become an unnecessary expense with all the debt we currently have.  This past week, the dogs supposedly took some food from the stove.  My wife told me we had to get rid of them.  She called animal control and had them picked up.  Good news is that I solved the Great Dog Caper.  Unfortunately, I still ended up losing my dogs.   

Dear Customer

I've been wanting to write this post for a while but procrastination is one of my best friends.  Over the course of my career I have worked for a grocery chain, two retail pharmacies, two pizza companies and two call centers.  Often times there are things as employees we wish we could say so that people outside the industry could better understand us.  This post will list a few of those things but is NOT an all-inclusive list. 

1.  Mr/Mrs Customer - you are just that, a customer.  You are not my mother, my father or my significant other.  I don't owe you shit. Thank you and have a great day.
2. When you walk in the door and I speak, you could at least turn your head and acknowledge my gesture.  Trust me, if I didn't have to try and greet every motherfucker that comes in, then I wouldn't.  Unfortunately my company deems it necessary. I'm not asking to have a conversation.  Just look in the direction of my voice and simply say "hello."
3. If I could get paid minimum wage or better to stand at the front counter and do nothing but wait on customers, I would.  But guess what?  My company gets every fucking penny worth out of me.  So my daily tasks include but are not limited to:  checking out customers, stocking shelves, assisting customers find items in the store, taking out trash, cleaning the bathrooms, counting the money,  getting the money to the bank, running and analyzing reports, changing prices, changing merchandise displays and putting shit back where it belongs because your lazy ass threw it behind something on the wrong fucking aisle.
4.  The food you receive will NEVER look like that shit on television.  Unless you don't have cable and internet, everyone should now know about the tricks and techniques that companies use to make a product look mouth-watering on television versus what you really get.  So unless we have totally fucked up your food, take that shit and get out of my restaurant.
5. I'm human.  I'm entitled to a mistake on super duper rare occasions.  In this world of perfection, there are still a few of us who can't always get it right.  If I fuck up, I'll take full responsibility and try to correct my mistake.  However, if the mistake occurs because your dumbass can't operate a smartphone, all bets are off.
6.  You are not my only customer.  I'm sorry that you are in a hurry and just want to pay and go but I can't make this 70 year old woman move any faster.  Either be patient and wait and take your ass elsewhere.  We're not the only place in town that sells what you want.
7.  Unless you see self checkout registers, someone is working in the store.  Please reread #3.  When you approach the register, walk up to the counter and place your merchandise there.  That lets me know that you are ready to pay.  Continuing to fumble around the front of the store and picking up random shit makes me think you are still browsing.  Also, yelling "hello! is anyone working?" is a sure fire way to get mean mugged.
8. Control your bad ass kids.  I'm either in a restaurant or a retail pharmacy environment currently when I work.  I don't have time or patience for your rug rats to tear shit up for me to have to fix later. 
9. I don't know everything.  As much as I would love to be, I am not omnipotent.  I know enough to be dangerous but I don't know it all. I'll provide you with as much information as possible to try and help but don't get mad because I can't answer your dumb ass question.
10.  Prices change.  Please stop coming in and saying "well last week, i paid..." You are absolutely right. Last week you did pay less but guess what.  Inflation happens and as a company, we decided to pass the cost on to you. 

My Girlfriend is Moving

A few months ago, my girlfriend informed me that she is moving out of state.  I encourage the move because I feel she needs a fresh start away from family and friends so she can reinvent herself and be successful.  Well, life happens and her move was delayed.  She plans on leaving at the end of next month now.  People that know she and I are close (they don't know that we are involved) have asked both of us separately, if I am okay with her leaving.  I guess it's because I am her current go-to when things get rough.  As I stated earlier, I am encouraging her to move.  I just have to keep telling myself it is for the best. 

Facing Reality

My wife and I have been together for over 20 years.  We met in high school and have basically been involved ever since.  We've been married 14 of those years and are the parents of 3 beautiful girls.  We've had our good times and bad times but we've survived.  Unfortunately, it is time to bring an end to our survival.  I know that I have personally brought up the idea of divorce several times in the past when we were having problems but failed to get the procedure done.  Based on our most recent disagreements, we have decided to proceed with a divorce.  She is currently getting advice from a friend who happens to be a lawyer but has not hired a lawyer.  (When you figure out how the hell that works, please let me know.)  My wife talked to me the other day and advised me that her friend would draw up the legal documents for the divorce as long as we agreed on the terms.  Our agreement would prevent us from having to go to court and dealing with a judge.  She was informed the procedure could take as little as 3 months but could go longer depending on if there are any complications.  So I could possibly be single again at the start of 2019.  Guess it's time to face reality and start preparing for our separation. 

Never Have I Ever

I remember playing Never Have I Ever with my peers at some of our old gatherings.  It was amazing to hear people come up ridiculous things they had done to try and top each other.  More recently, however, I've been playing my own personal game of Never Have I Ever and I'm not liking the outcome.  My finances have gone from bad to worst to hell.  A couple of weeks ago my cell phone was turned off due to nonpayment.  It was nice to not receive multiple calls daily from creditors trying to collect but I was worried about missing important messages from friends and family.  Then yesterday was the big one.  My wife called me while I was at work and told me a tow truck was at the house looking for my vehicle.  I told him where I was located and he came to repossess my vehicle.  Never have I ever been in such a financial bind. 

Current Relationship Status

When filling out basic paperwork like: job applications, tax documents, apartment/housing leases etc. there is usually a section about your marital status. The choices are single, married, divorced, widowed.  In today's society, the categories need to be updated.  They should include options such as: dating, fresh out of a serious relationship and open relationship.  That's where my current relationship status would fall.  Throw on your thinking caps for this one.  I'm married.  I have a girlfriend which my wife is aware of.  She has a boyfriend who I've met and talked to like an old friend. Hope you got all that.  I'll explain how we got to this point as I continue to update and add posts to this blog. 

Where Should I Begin?

Here we are 6 months down the road since my last post.  I thought I had left out stuff before but now it's even worse.  I've got so much going on in my life, I could probably write 3 separate blogs.  One would be dedicated to work.  One would have to cover my finances.  And the last would detail my personal life.  Of course the 3 would intertwine because you can't have one without the other.  I know I said this last time but I am really going to have to get back to posting to this blog.  The good thing about this is that it's not social media like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat.  You'd really have to stumble across it to know that it even exists.  So what I post will basically be lost in cyberspace until someone gets super bored and decides to read it. And even at that point, unless you really know me, you won't be able to connect all the pieces because I think I do a pretty good job of not mentioning names. 

Damn it! I Hate Deja Vu sometimes!

I feel like I've been down this road before and I really hate how things went.  I've become involved with a female friend.  She has a boyfriend.  I know my role and stay in my place.  We had a conversation yesterday which alarmed me.  She told me that she "gave in" to him and then had sex. I have no problem with that.  They are both consenting adults.  My problem came up when she said he got rough with her.  She didn't go into details but I'm sure she will eventually.  I'm not a fan of any male who puts his hands on a female when she does not ask for it.  I'm not a fan of guys who sweet talk women into sexual acts they are uncomfortable with.  This scenario happened before and I really don't want to see a sequel. 

Why Am I Mad?

I'm usually a pretty laid back person.  I don't let things get to me and I don't hold grudges.  I just keep it pushing and let karma deal with others.  Don't get me wrong, I do get frustrated from time to time especially since I work in fast food and retail.  My jobs aren't the source of my frustration right now though.  I had a conversation with a close friend of mine last night.  She and I are super close and hang out frequently.  Yesterday she decided to do something nice for her boyfriend for his birthday.  She planned to take him out to eat.  The restaurant they chose was packed so they ended up getting a hotel room.  Still not too sure why they couldn't find another place to eat.  Anyway all he wanted to do was fuck.  She has not crossed that line with him yet so the situation was uncomfortable.  He started to play rough and she had to make him stop.  He fell asleep so she texted me to meet her.  She told me about what happened.  She told me she needed to see me because she wanted to feel safe.  I was fairly quiet during the conversation last night but it's been on my mind ever since.  So now I'm asking myself - Am I mad because she went to a hotel with this dude or am I mad because of the fact that he scared her?  I don't know but I wish I could figure it out so I can move on.

It's Been A Long Time

I can't believe I forgot about this blog.  So much has happened since my last post.  I don't even know where to begin.  There's no way for me to remember and post about all the foolishness that is my life.  Guess I'll try to get back into posting every few days.  I've got a lot on my mind these days and I have to get it out somehow.  I guess taking back to the blog will be my best option. 

I Can't Swim and I'm Drowning in Debt

I know that a lot of people face financial problems.  It's the way of the world.  We live outside of our budget trying to survive. My problem is that my budget has changed and been altered due to no fault of my own.  Last December I was demoted at one of my jobs because I was unwilling to travel 3-4 hours away from home to work with no notice.  Sorry but I have 2 school age daughters so I can't just up and leave.  I also have a second job through which I have my health insurance.  I have to maintain a certain number of hours per week to receive those benefits.  So the demotion cost me about $300 per month.  I filed my taxes as soon as I had all the necessary paperwork, hoping to play catch up.  Unfortunately, the US Dept. of Education caught up with my tax refund first and took all of it because my wife was not paying on her student loans.  Oh the joy of filing married and jointly.  We are currently trying to get the money back since her loans are supposed to be written off.  As of yesterday however, we are 4 months behind on the mortgage so we are at the point of foreclosure.  My account is already overdrafted because I'm trying to keep the lights and water on.  I need supplies to take care of my diabetes but I can't afford to order them.  I also need a doctor to write new prescriptions for the supplies but I can't afford an office visit.  As the title of this post states, I'm drowning in debt.  And the way things are looking, I may be going under with no hope of survival. 

Release Therapy

It's been a long time since I posted anything to this blog.  I was actually wondering if it still existed.  I really need this in my life right now.  I need an outlet.  I need somewhere I can get stuff off my chest and out of my mind.  My blog used to be that place.  I think it needs to be that place again.  This is where I will have my release therapy. 

Dope Money

Working in the area where I am employed makes for some awesome stories to share with friends and family in regards to complete obscurity.  Yesterday I was at work and a young man came in to make a purchase.  He was visibly high on something.  (Bloodshot eyes, smoked out lips) He was so bad that I could actually smell weed on him.  He paid for his items and left.  Later I went to cash another customer out and this strange scent caught my nose.  I couldn't quite figure out what it was.  This continued every time I went to the register.  I did a quick self check to make sure my deodorant was working.  I checked the return basket to see if any perishable food was in it.  Still nothing.  And then, the light bulb went off inside my head.  The scent was coming from the cash in the register.  Apparently the high young man had been around so much weed that his money smelled like weed and every time I opened the cash drawer, the scent was coming out.  Talk about dope money! 

Blame it on the Zodiac

I often blame my actions on my zodiac sign.  Born an Aries, I am very unique.  I think I brought this up once before in my blog that the best description I have ever seen for an Aries is a Garfield bookmark that said: "Aries are blunt, direct and have the compassion of a rock."  That bluntness and direct approach attracts people but it can also get me in trouble because I sometimes forget to filter myself.   I was chatting with one of my co-workers a few nights ago and I have to say she is an attractive young lady.  She joked with me about how she does not mess with married men.  The conversation was mostly about me and things I have been through.  She was quite intrigued and kept saying "I knew it" when I would tell her about some of my exploits.  With that in mind and alcohol in my system (so much for that damn filter), I told her about a proposition I made to another female a while back.  I told my co-worker that I offered the female dinner, transportation and a nice hotel room on the day of her choice for an opportunity to taste her.  Not have sex mind you, I just wanted a taste.  My co-worker said "you just tell me when and where.  I don't have to pick anything."  I laughed and told her I wasn't propositioning her but I would keep that in mind.  So as we were about to part ways, I asked my co-worker where was her phone.  I told her to put my number in it.  Her response was "Oh. So you just gonna make me put your number in my phone?"  I looked at her and said "I see you pulled it out and are adding my name so I guess that means yes."  Blame it on the Zodiac.  Aries are used to getting what they want in life.     

He Wanna Be My First

The young man I blogged about a couple of weeks ago reached out to me again this week.  During our conversation I asked why choose me knowing that I had never been with a guy.  He said it was just something about me and that he would love to be my first.  I have experienced many firsts in my life but I am not sure what to do about this situation.  What is really throwing me off is that I am not completely against the idea.  Maybe because I am not homophobic.  Maybe because my wife does not do it for me anymore.  Maybe because I hate telling people know when they ask me for things.  I don't know what the case is but I need to determine what I am going to do. 

Moving, Moving, Moving

Karma has a funny way of biting you in the ass when you least expect it.  Case in point is the nephew.  He was staying in a house with his latest baby mama and some other people.  Apparently the person they were renting from was unaware of his status as a registered sex offender until last month.  When the homeowner found out, he gave them 2 weeks to move out.  Well, the nephew knew he couldn't come back here, especially with a baby.  His choice?  He went back to his hometown.  He will be renting a house from a friend of his family up there.  I hope this move is a good one for him cause that boy is always moving, moving, moving and going no where fast. 

Texting the Wrong Person

A couple of weeks ago I was in a texting frenzy.  I had 3 different conversations going at the same time between my wife and 2 friends.  One of the friends was the young lady who moved away over a year ago.  I was telling her we should Skype so I can get a chance to see her.  I also stated we can't let 2 years go by without actually physically laying eyes on each other. That's where the problem came in.  The text that said we need to see each other went to the wife rather than the friend.  Drama followed.  The wife played it cool for a couple of days and then confronted me about the text.  I told her exactly who the text was intended for.  She then asked if she could see my text messages.  She was met with a stern "no."  She then asked why she could not see them.  I politely told her that the messages were not meant for her so they were none of her business.  Not too sure what she was expecting me to say but I damn sure wasn't worried that I texted the wrong person. 

My Crazy Life

I can't believe that I have let over 2 weeks go by without posting to my blog.  It's not like I don't have time to post.  I guess it is more laziness than anything.  I am really going to have to get back to posting on a more regular basis.  With my two closest friends both moving away, this is going to start being my outlet - my release therapy if you will.  I've got a lot to talk about that has happened in the last couple of weeks. I guess I should get started. 

The Art of Attraction

I've been thinking about the art of attraction a lot these past few days.  Several things have happened to make me question what attracts me to people and vice versa.  The first situation that comes to mind was when I was contacted by one of my formers subordinates.  The conversation started off with the typical "hey what you been up to?"  Then things took a turn.  He (yes you read that right) decided to tell me that he thought I was cute.  Now, don't get me wrong, I know that I am cute.  But to hear it from a guy caught me off guard.  We're not talking "that's a nice outfit you have on cute."  This was "I think you are sexy and want to sleep with you cute."  I didn't make things any better because I continued the conversation to see how serious he was.  He knows that I am married with kids.  I also was sure to tell him that I had never been with a guy.  He still continued to try and see if anything could possibly happen.  The whole situation caught me off guard.  I'm not too sure what to think or do at this point.  The other situation about attraction that got to me this week was with my wife.  Same story, different day.  I was home one night this week and she came walking through the house naked.  Now most husbands would give their soul to the devil for an opportunity like that.  Me on the other hand, I had to bite my tongue.  I realized I continue to not be physically attracted to my wife.  I really wanted her to put some clothes on.  There is an art to being attractive.  Some people are Picasso and others can't paint by numbers.  

WTF Moment - I'm Older Than I Look

For some reason, I have been given the gift of a youthful appearance.  Even though I celebrated my 37th birthday a couple of weeks ago, I could still pass for a teenager in the right clothes.  With that in mind, below is an exchange I had with a customer at my store last week.  An older lady approached me while I was stocking shelves and this is what she said:

Her:  How your little young self get to be a manager?
Me:  How old do you think I am?
Her:  You can't be no more than 19
Me:  Mam, I have a teenager at home myself
Her:  (Puzzled look on face) How old are you?
Me:  I turned 37 last week. 
Her:  37? You don't look like you past 19!
Me:  Thanks.  It's a gift and a curse.

She is not the first person to question my age and I am sure she won't be the last. 

Seeing is Believing

My wife decided to go to her hometown this past weekend to visit her grandmother in the hospital.  While she was there, someone took a picture of my wife standing next to the hospital bed.  My wife showed me the picture and asked, "is that how you see me?"  I looked at her and responded "Is that what you see when you look in the mirror?"  I guess seeing the picture of herself next to her tiny, frail grandmother struck a nerve.  Maybe now she sees what everyone else has been viewing for so long. 

Play Your Position

In every successful organization, each member knows how to play their assigned position.  Whether you are talking sports, a Fortune 500 company or your local grocer, people are most successful when individuals have clearly defined roles and goals.  But what happens when a role is not clearly defined?  What happens when someone is not happy playing their position and tries to do someone else's job?  You start having problems which can ultimately lead to failure.  I think I have finally hit that failure point with one of my friends.  I thought I had a clear understanding of my role in her life.  Tonight showed me that I was completely wrong about what she expects out of me.  Oh well.  Back to the bench I go until I learn to play my position.

Late Bday Gift(s) from Mom

So my birthday passed this past Wednesday and as I stated in my previous post, it was lack luster at best.  Well, today made up for it.  I got up this morning and traveled to my home town to get my mother.  We were supposed to go shopping for a prom dress for my oldest daughter.  We hit the mall and were able to find a dress she liked as well as some shoes.  Then it was time to splurge on me.  My mother took me to the local home depot and told me to pick out a new mower to replace the one that was stolen last summer.  How's that for a gift?  I was complaining about getting lawn equipment for my birthday previously and now I am thrilled as hell to receive it.  Isn't life funny?  One thing about mom, she always knows how to put a smile on my face. 

Birthday 2014 - A Day of Blahs

I don't make a big deal out of my birthday most of the time.  I think I was hoping for a little more this year because of what I have been dealing with for the past couple of months.  Today actually played out like any other day of year.  I woke up to discover that my middle child had missed the bus.  After dropping her at school, I came home and waited until it was time to take my youngest to school to register for kindergarten.  After registration, I dropped her at daycare and returned home.  I received a call from my mortgage company wanting an update on when they would receive a payment.  I picked my daughter up from daycare, ate lunch and went to work.  That's it.  I received Happy Bday wishes from my in-laws and 3 friends via text.  Once again, people I thought would call or text me didn't.  I guess I should realize I am not as important as I think I am.  Oh well. 

May Be Time to Search for Another Job

Anybody that truly knows me will tell you that I am not a quitter.  I'm the type of person who sees things through to the bitter end.  I'm the captain who goes down with the ship.  At least, that's how I used to be.  I just can't seem to wrap my abilities around this new job.  Every time I think I am making progress something else screwy happens.  And the truly sad part is, it's hard to find help.  I hate being in situations where my role is that of a leader but I am actually skilled like a subordinate.  After the disastrous day I had today, I am truly thinking about jumping back on the job hunt to see what else is out there.  This shit just ain't for me.

Have to eat my own words

I've been going back and forth for the last couple of days about actually doing this post.  Maybe it's the fact that one of my best friends just moved away.  Maybe it's the fact that my birthday is just over 24 hours away and I am not looking forward to it.  Maybe it's everything.  Maybe it's nothing.  Maybe it's a combination of things.  Who knows?  Let's just get on with this. 

A couple of years ago I fell in love with a woman other than my wife.  For those of you reading and thinking "that's terrible. he should be ashamed of himself," let me take a moment to say "feel free to stop reading at any time."  I truly enjoyed being around this young lady.  There was something about her that drew me in like a moth to a flame.  I wanted to know everything about her - the good, the bad and everything in between.  When we first met, she had lots of walls up due to trust issues.  I was able to break those walls down and so her what it was like to be in love.  It wasn't planned.  It just happened.  Unfortunately, we couldn't be together based on my situation.  Even with that in mind, I told her that I would always be there for her and love her until she met someone else that treated her as well as I did and made her feel safe no matter what.  Fast forward to the present.  She has moved away and met someone.  She told me he is able to provide her with all the things she needs to be happy.  I am happy for her but at the same time I'm feeling some kind of way.  I guess it's because we spent so much time together when she was here.  I can't listen to the radio, drive down the road, smell a sweet perfume, look at flowers, or even sit in my room at home without something reminding me of her.  I haven't talked to her in over a month.  I guess I was hoping that "out of sight, out of mind" would take affect but such is not the case.  I was listening to the radio today and "Let Her Go" by Passenger came on.  I never really paid attention to the lyrics until today.  The song really touched me.  I let her go like I promised I would.  So I have to such this shit up, eat my own words and let her love someone else. 

WTF Moment - Dentist Needed

Working in a drug store gives the opportunity to see all types of people.  This past Friday a young lady walked into the store.  She was wearing some pink shorts, pink Nike's and a tank top.  She asked where she could find KY jelly.  My cashier informed her it was located in the back by the pharmacy.  The young lady looked a little confused.  I told her that I had to walk back there anyway so I would further assist.  We got to the back of the store.  She wanted a small bottle of KY.  Unfortunately, we were sold out (apparently a lot of people in that part of time need lubrication.)  I suggested she get the store brand because it was the same thing just a different name.  She asked "is it a gel?"  I turned to look at her to respond and was completely caught off guard.  All of her front teeth were black and damaged.  She was obviously a drug addict.  Her teeth looked like she had been trying to chew concrete.  I quickly composed myself and told her the store brand was a gel also.  That young lady was in serious need of a dentist.  Actually, she probably needed to see a cosmetic surgery specialist. 

Money Management

My wife received a letter in the mail last week stating she needed a representative payee before she could receive her past due benefits.  We went to the local social security office to get more information.  After waiting for an hour, we finally got a chance to talk to someone.  Basically it looks like I will have to manage her money since she has a history of overspending.  The office worker asked for my bank routing and checking number so I presume the money will be direct deposited into my account.  Hopefully we are one step closer to her receiving some type of income so our house can get back to being stable.  If she thinks I am going to give her any access to my account, she should think again.  In order for us to survive, her money has to be put to the proper use.  I can't take a chance on her mismanaging money again. 

WTF Moment - Hoodtastic

Friday I was at work at my new job.  I had to take the daily deposit to the bank and get some change for the weekend.  I'm not too sure if I have mentioned this in previous posts but the store I work in is located in a not so safe part of town.  Anyway, as I was returning from the bank I saw something that made me do a double take.  There was a guy pedaling a bike while carrying a car battery.  WTF?  Where the hell was the car that the battery came out of?  All I could do was shake my head and return to work.

Breaking Up the Band

I've been going back and forth about this post for the last couple of days.  I think I was hesitant to post it because I don't want to deal with an upcoming reality.  But whether I post it or not, I can't change what it going to happen.  One of my best friends received a job offer and will be moving out of state by next month.  I am truly happy for her because the job is something she wants to do and will allow her to be closer to her family.  It just saddens me a little that I will not be able to see her as much anymore.  I'm sure we will keep in touch via phone calls, text messages and email but there is truly nothing like face to face communication.  My other concern is that once she has moved, the communication will become less and less to the point of almost non-existent.  That's what happened with my other close friend.  We went from communicating daily to me not hearing from her in over a month.  (Partially my fault.  She told me she found someone so I opted to let her dedicate time to being with that person rather that bother her daily.)  I guess the band has finally broken up and it is time for us to go our separate ways. 

When Art Imitates Life

Most professional artists (musicians and comedians in particular) will tell you that the best material they produce is based on some aspect of their real life.  They may/may not change names but the events did happen.  With that in mind, it brings me back to my love of music. I was driving to work the other day and "Can't Raise a Man" started to play.  I thought about a close friend who is going through a situation with her husband and the lyrics really hit home.  Then I started thinking about how many songs have impacted me.  There are certain songs that as soon as the beat starts, I drift into thoughts of certain people and events.  It's true that art imitates life.  It's just up to us to recognize when it happens and to paint a perfect picture. 

Why Did I Get Married?

Earlier today I was on youtube and ran across various wedding dance videos.  Some were father/daughter dances and others were bridesmaids vs groomsmen.  All of them were funny.  While I was watching the videos, a thought entered my mind.  Why did I get married in the first place?  As I sit home alone, the question really strikes a nerve.  My daughters are on spring break this week.  Last weekend they went on a camping trip with their church.  (I had to invest $140 in flashlights, sleeping bags, gloves and gas for the van but it was worth the chance for my girls to have fun.)  Now they are at my mother-in-law's.  Granted I don't get to see them and spend time with them due to trying to work 2 jobs and provide the bare essentials.  It would have at least been nice to see them play in the yard or run around the house.  Oh well.  I guess this is that part of being married that falls under "for better or for worse."  It's better for them to spend time with the in-laws so my wife can enjoy herself.  Worse case scenario they spend the entire spring break here and my house look like the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. 

Time to Take My Own Advice - Definition of Insanity

I'm not too sure where or when I heard my favorite explanation for the definition of insanity.  I do know that it has stuck with me for some time now.  With that in mind, I think it is time that I do one thing most people have the hardest time doing.  I need to take my own advice.  Based on the definition of insanity that I love, doing the same thing over and over will ultimately lead to the same results.  Therefore, I must do things differently.  I'm going to stop trying to help those who refuse to help themselves.  And I am going to try my best to let go of some things that I desperately want to hold on to. 

Yearly Tradition

My birthday is just under a month away so I guess it is time for my yearly workout tradition even though there is truly no need.  In years past I would be sure to exercise in the weeks leading up to my birthday.  I was not exercising to make room for all the cake and ice cream that I would possibly consume.  I was getting in shape due to the "adult activities" which usually took place at my birthday parties with friends.  Our parties used to be for the grown and sexy.  Grown words were used and clothes came off.   Sometime during the course of the night (either by my own accord or after losing a bet) I would end up out of my shirt.  I'm a small framed guy with a fairly toned body.  Nothing like a bunch of females admiring the body you have to keep covered at work to stroke an ego.  Ah the good old days.  Anyway, there will obviously be no party this year but I still plan to be in shape for my birthday.

Do You Really Want Me?

Typical situation happened today with the wife.  Guess I'm just being extremely observant because this is not the first or last time.  This morning after the kids were gone to school and daycare, she stated she wanted to have sex.  I did my usual and said no.  I walked off.  I went back to the bedroom a few minutes to ask a question and she was back asleep.  Are you serious?  Why even ask for sex if you are sleepy?  I guess she was planning on sleeping after sex anyway like she usually does so not getting any just shortened the wait time for dream land.  My main point is this - do you really want me or am I just a convenience for you? 

I Will Always Be Me

Last week a former co-worker reached out to me because she was having problems with her laptop.  Now keep in mind I had not spoken to her since I was fired back in October 2013.  She brought the laptop to my new job because it is close to where she lives.  We talked for a few minutes and she said, "you haven't changed one bit.  you are still silly as ever."  She was absolutely correct.  I have not changed nor am I going to change.  I may adapt my behavior slightly depending on the surroundings but I will always remain true to who I am.  I don't turn off my sarcasm - I just tone it down when necessary.  I will always be me no matter what. 

Upcoming Birthday

I was just thinking about my upcoming birthday.  Based on my current work situation as well as my current stable of "friends," I'm not expecting very much.  I have joked during a few recent conversations about finally opening a bottle of Hornitas Tequila that was purchased for my birthday by some dear friends 2 years ago.  Then again, I will probably be so consumed with work that I will not be able to enjoy it.  I looked at my post from last year and realized my birthday was blah at best.  I guess I have reached a point in life where I don't care about my birthday and neither does anyone else. 

WTF Moment - So Not Sexy

Working in the drug store allows me the opportunity to see all types of people.  Young, old, small and large.  With that being said, a lady came in the other day and I had to try my hardest not to let my face show my disgust with what she was wearing.  She looked to be about 40-something.  She was wearing one of those velour jogging suits.  Problem one was that she had the jacket unzipped about 3/4ths of the way with a tshirt under it with no bra.  Ladies, if your nipples are touching your navel, a bra is a must have in your wardrobe.  Problem two - she turned to walk away and all I saw was ass crack.  So not sexy.  Not even in the least.

I Can't Want It More Than You

I want a lot of things for people in my life.  However, I am constantly being reminded that I can't want it more than the actual person.  Example.  I have a female friend who is not happy in her marriage and has not been for a long time.  I have offered advice and told her what I would do.
I suggested she at least separate from her husband for a little while because being in the same house is not productive for either of them.  I even helped her start searching for somewhere else to live.  She even got an offer from her parents to move in with them until she can re-establish herself.  But guess what?  She is still in the same situation.  I can't want it more than she wants it herself.  Another example.  My wife's weight.  We had talked about this many times and nothing has changed.  She still looks like she is pregnant.  If her medication is the problem, then she should investigate/discuss alternatives.  I refuse to believe her weight gain is solely due to medicine.  If so, the FDA would outlaw the drug.  Laziness is just as big a factor as medication.  But I can't exercise for her.  I purchased yet another Nintendo Wii in hopes of her working out.  No go.  It is collecting dust in a corner.  Oh well.  I tried.

WTF Moment - What is that smell?

I was at work at my pizza delivery job the other night and a strange scent hit my nose.  It was slightly sweet and slightly smoky. It put me in the mind of some type of incense being burned.  After a few moments of racking my brain, I figured out what the odor was.  One of my female drivers was wearing some type of light perfume which had a flower-like fragrance.  This same female driver is a smoker and had apparently been puffing while she was out of the store.  Mystery solved.  Perfume plus cigarette smoke equal a hot mess.

Am I Becoming Shallow?

I have often joked with my friends about the fact that I can "manufacture a pretty bitch."  I don't say that meaning disrespect towards females.  If you are a female reading this and feel offended... tough shit.  This is my blog and I will say what I want.  I talk about manufacturing a pretty girl because with all the garments you can purchase (push bras, spanx, etc), makeup/fake hair and surgery, I could easily take a not so attractive girl and turn her into a beauty queen.   But all that physical change won't change her personality.  She will still be the same person just with a different look.  I said all that because I have once again started to wonder about my wife's physical appearance.  I truly have a hard time looking at her and being attracted.  She claims some of her medication is to blame for the weight gain.  I feel it is a combination of eating and not exercising.  She looks like she is about 8 months pregnant.  You always hear people joke about fantasizing about someone else during sex.  I'm here to tell you, that's no joke.  I just wonder am I being shallow by not being attracted to her after all these years.  Naw.  I'm just being real and being myself.  

Workaholic

Since taking my new job a couple of weeks ago, I have been reminded of what it means to be a workaholic.  I have not had an entire day off since 2/10/2014.  I have been at one or both jobs every day.  The way I see it, I will have to request time off from both jobs to have an entire day off.  Oh well.  I'm used to having to work hard to get what I want.  I just hope that all this hard work pays off. 

Why I Hate Asking for Help from public assistance agencies

Considering the fact that I lost my job last October, I feel fortunate to be in the shape I am in.  With that said, I hate trying to ask for help from agencies who seem to give needy people the runaround and reward those who don't need it.  Example.  I reached out to an organization within my state for assistance with my mortgage payments.  Part of the paperwork requested a paycheck stub.  My mortgage is $770 per month.  My paychecks for last month totaled $900.  So let's do the math.  $900 minus $770 is $130.  How in the world can I pay all my utilities with $130?  So obviously I need help.  After submitting all the required paperwork, I was told the agency is behind and it would be 6-8 weeks before I heard anything.  In 6-8 weeks I could be on the streets.  I'm working and trying to provide for my family but can't get help.  Now let some deadbeat who isn't working and is not looking for a job apply and they get all the help they need.  Sometimes I hate asking for help. 

Still Can't Get Ahead

I thought that after cashing out my 401K and getting my tax refund, I would finally be ahead of the game.  Such is not the case.  I'm still in the game but we are tied.  I am current on most of my important bills.  I still have a ton of medical expenses to deal with based on the surgeries my wife and I had last year.  Additionally, I had to cough up $700 last week for repairs to my wife's vehicle.  I had planned on using that money to pay off my little store charge card and one of the medical bills.  I'm hoping this new job will provide the boost I need to get ahead or remain even.  With that being said, it goes back to my previous post.  I hope I can hold on to this job.  Otherwise, I will be back in the same financial hell I have been dealing with for months. 

Looking out for Others

While I was at my new job on Friday, I received a phone call from a company I applied for in January.  The lady asked if I was still interested in working for them in the business office.  I explained to her that I had already taken another job.  I then told her about a former co-worker who was looking for a job.  I said the person had the same qualifications as me and would be a great fit.  I asked if I could have my co-worker call about the position or if she was willing to reach out to my co-worker.  The representative asked for my co-worker's name and number.  She immediately called and told her to apply online so her application could be pulled. I spoke to my co-worker a few minutes later and let her know what was going on.  Needless to say, my co-worker was thrilled at the potential position.  Hopefully I made the right decision trying to look out for others rather than looking into the position myself. 

New Job May not be the Right Fit

I've been at my new job for 2 weeks and I am unsure if it is the right fit for me.  During my interviews, I thought I made it clear to the management staff that I was employed elsewhere.  I did tell them I would make the new job my primary job but I thought it was understood I would still be working my other job.  Last Monday I posted the schedule for my old job on the board to let my new manager know the days I would be unavailable.  When I returned on Wednesday, he had responded to the schedule by writing "This will not work.  This is not what we agreed to."  First of all, I would have preferred a phone call rather than a written response that I would see days later.  (I replied back on the paper saying call me asap to discuss.)  Secondly, I have not head from him since that time.  If fact, I have tried to contact him several times over the last 2 days but been unsuccessful. (I have actually only seen him once since I started 2 weeks ago.) I am trying my best to like this new job but I refuse to choose the new job over a company I have been with over 14 years.  Hopefully, I will be able to speak to my new manager and reach a sensible resolution.  If not, it's back to searching for a second job. 

Spending Time with Friends

I have not been able to spend time hanging out with friends like in the past due to schedule conflicts and lack of funds.  Luckily, fate smiled on me for a brief second and I was able to just chill this past Wednesday.  I met up with 2 of my former co-workers on Wednesday evening after work.  We went to Mexican restaurant and had a ball.  My only complaint about the time we spent together was that the conversation mostly revolved around my old employer.  I personally do not care what goes on there currently.  Friends that work there know how to get in touch with me but as far as the day to day operations (hiring/firing) I could care less.   After dinner I dropped one friend off and continued to hang out with the other.  Around midnight, she decided she wanted to travel to a adult novelty store about an hour away.  I didn't have to be at work in the morning so I decided to ride with her.  We got there a little after 1am.  We didn't leave until 430am.  The sales person was very knowledgeable and hilarious with all the stories about crazy customers.  All in all it was a good night.  I wish I could do that more often.  I really miss spending time with my true friends. 

New Job, Old Health Problems

I was really excited about starting my new job.  This was a chance to make some more money and start getting things back to how they used to be.  Problem with the new job is that I am falling back into some of my old habits which cause problems with my health.  The first thing I noticed is that based on staffing, I have not taken a lunch in 2 weeks.  Things have not been too bad in that aspect due me working in a drug store so I have access to snack food.  Problem is that if I go too long without eating anything, I run the risk of having a low sugar episode.  Nobody wants to see that.  The second concern is my eating.  I have eaten more fast food in the last 2 weeks than I consumed in a month prior to landing this job.  It's all about convenience and timing.  I don't have the luxury of going home in between jobs any more so it seems easier to grab a burger.  But man cannot live off fast food alone.  I need something with vitamins and nutrients.  I am really going to have to look at what I can do to take care of my health before it becomes a major issue. 

Sink or Swim Time

I wasn't expecting to be given so much responsibility so quickly at my new job.  I have only been there 4 days and I am tasked with opening the store by myself on Valentine's Day.  Granted it is a drug store and I have not witnessed a lot of traffic this week, I am still a little nervous about opening the store when I have not completed all of my training.  I'm not too sure this is being done because the manager wants to test me or if he really has no choice due to limited staff.  What I do know is that it's sink or swim time and I don't have a life jacket.

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

I try my best to make my own impressions of people.  I hear what others say about someone but I don't really listen.  I let a person's action or lack thereof show me their character.  With that in mind, I am wondering what the hell I have gotten myself into with this new job.  I started working on Monday and the manager expects me to open the store by myself on Friday.  What the hell?  I haven't been there an entire week yet.  I don't know all the procedures.  Tomorrow is day four and no one has taken the time to show me how to open either one of the safes.  It will be impossible to open a store if I don't have access to the money.  I don't know where the bank is located.  I don't have keys to open the store nor do I know the alarm code.  Hopefully I can get all this information tomorrow.  Otherwise Friday is going to be a complete clusterfuck. 

Getting Back on my Grind

I finally was able to secure a second job.  Today was my first day.  I learned a lot but I am still far from being able to handle all the responsibility of the position.  I was a little concerned about having to work both jobs back to back today because I have not done so since October.  Thank goodness my fast food job was slow tonight.  It gave me a chance to relax and plan how I should handle working two jobs.  The good news now is that I have 2 jobs.  Problem is that with me being in a leadership role in both places, my hours will have to be cut at the fast food place until I get established at the new job.  Hopefully everything will work out. 

How Losing My Job has Changed Me

Let me start this post off by saying, I do still have "A" job.  But, it is important to know that prior to my release in October 2013, I had worked 2 jobs since December 2007.  Now on with the post.  Today was one of those days when I really looked at myself and noticed how much I have changed and fallen off (as the expression goes) since my release.  First of all, when I was working 2 jobs, I used to get up every morning at 4:30am (that is if I got any sleep the night before).  I would dress for work with a button down, tie and slacks.  Brush my teeth, wash up and put on some type of body spray or cologne.  I used to get complimented on how nice I smelled often.  Nowadays, if I don't have to take my child to daycare or school, I usually start get functioning until 8am or later.  My wardrobe?  Windpants and a tshirt.  I couldn't tell you the last time I used body spray or cologne.  I've walked around the house all day snacking.  My old job was on the third floor of the building.  I took the stairs to help keep in shape.  These days?  Exercise does not happen.  I tried to start exercising daily a couple of times but just didn't continue.  Losing my job has impacted me in a couple of negative ways but it has not broken me.

Never Thought It Would Be Like This

Never in my worst nightmares did I think I would be where I am in life right now.  I thought I had a good grasp on life and had taken the proper measures to keep me out of trouble.  Guess I was very wrong.  I never thought I would receive a call from my 8yr old's teacher requesting that we remove her from the gifted program because her regular grades were poor.  I never thought I would have to consider bouncing a check to try and pay for a doctor visit for my youngest daughter.  I never thought I would have to not get my prescription filled because I can't afford the medicine.  I never thought that I would have body damage on my car 4 months later with no idea of when it may be repaired.  I never thought I would have to walk around my house all day in a coat because the central heat unit was out and I could not afford to get it repaired.  I never thought it would be like this but I guess those thoughts are now a harsh reality. 

Everything Happens for a Reason

Everything in life happens for a reason.  The reason may not be immediately apparent.  It may be days, weeks, months or years later.  In some cases, the reason may never be revealed to a person during his/her lifetime.  But everything happens for a reason.  

WTF - Do I look Like I am Gaining Weight?

One of the perks of working at a pizza establishment is that the employees get to eat any leftovers or mistakes.  With that in mind comes this WTF moment.  We have a female driver who ALWAYS partakes of the mistakes and leftovers.  I don't care what topic is on the pizza, she will eat it.  The other night when I was cashing her out for the night she asked me if she looked like she had gained weight since she started working there.  I told her no.  WTF?  If you eat pizza every day you work, and you work 4 or more days a week, chances are you are going to gain weight unless you do some major working out.  Plus, I don't even look at her like that.  I like the perfume she wears but as far as physical attraction, it's just not there. 

Why I Sometimes Hate Dealing with the Public

Any person who has any job where they have to deal with the public on a daily basis will tell you that there are certain situations with certain people which could potentially bring out the most evil part of you.  Take for example what happened to me last week.  Customer A placed an order and picked it up.  Friend A called back stating the food was not prepared to Customer A's satisfaction.  I offered to replace the meal.  Friend A said no.  I offered to provide a free meal in the future for Customer A - the catch was she had to ask for me specifically.  Friend A said no.  (Ok. Let's pause for a moment.  Why am I talking to Friend A and not Customer A?)  Back to the story.  At this point I asked Friend A how would she like to resolve the issue because I had offered my best options.  Friend A states Customer A will come get the replacement order.  Friend A comes in the restaurant, takes the new order and returns 1/4 of the original order.  WTF?  I thought you didn't like how the first order was prepared.  To make matters worse, Friend A, not Customer A called our corporate complaint number about the food.  So now I have got my manager's boss on his ass and mine about something I had already taken care of.  It's customers like Friend A that make you want to do bodily harm to a person.

Job Hunt Continues

My hunt for a second job continues and things looked up for a moment.  I had multiple interviews with a couple of companies for supervisor roles but no actual job offers.  Things are starting to get beyond tight financially.  Using my 401k to pay the past due on the mortgage and my truck helped but still have to put food on the table and pay lights, gas and water.  I'm hoping that something comes through soon. 

I'm Gonna Do What I Want to Do

This post is about the latest problem with my wife's insecurity.  Friday, one of my best female friends asked me to go with her to run a few errands.  I told my wife that exact thing, "I am going to run errands with blah."  She just looked at me and continued her conversation on the phone.  I drove to the friend's apartment and we took her car for errands.  I had to go to work so she brought me to my house to grab my work clothes before returning to her apartment to get my vehicle.  While at work that night I received a text from my wife stating to wake her up so we could talk.  When I got home that night I was greeted by my sister in law's dog which I did not know was spending the weekend with us.  Since my aggravation level had just gone up, I opted not to wake my wife.  Saturday morning I received a call from my mother asking what was going on.  Hold up!  Why are you calling my mother about a problem you have with me? Anyway, I assured my mother that I would deal with the situation.  So when my wife returned from taking her sister's dog to the groomer, she walked up to me and stated she was upset about me running errands with my friend but she realized I was going to do what I wanted to do so there was no need in being pissed off.  Ok. Why did it take you so long to come to that conclusion?  If I make it til June, we will be married 10 years.  If you don't know me by now, you may want to start with someone new.

Since My Last Post

A lot has happened to me since my last post.  Some good, some bad and as always some funny.  I'll document what I remember and charge the rest to the game.  The posts will come in no particular order other than how my mind chooses to link them together.

WTF - Titty Sweat

Building off of my previous post, now I want to talk about something else the wife said yesterday which came as a shock.  We had been working in the yard for a while.  Although it was a little windy, the temperature was very nice.  Apparently the temperature was a little warmer than I thought because my wife announced she had "titty sweat."  WTF?  Really?  With your 3 daughters within 10 feet of you, you state you have titty sweat?  I told her that if she was wearing a bra, she might not have that problem.  This is when it got worse.  My wife asks our oldest daughter if she was wearing a bra and if she was sweating around her titties.  WTF?? I don't know what is to be said about that situation.  

WTF - I'm Itching

Sometimes people say and do things that can only be responded to by saying "What the fuck?"  Yesterday provided several of these moments.  The girls, my wife and myself were working in the backyard bagging up leaves.  During the process my wife decides to let everyone know that she was itching.  WTF?  Itching?  First of all, you are from the Delta region on Mississippi where they keep pet mosquitoes.  I know you are not itching from being in the backyard bagging leaves.  Secondly, I have seen you on more than one occasion walk through this backyard barefoot.  So I know you are not talking about itching now. 

Judgement Day Arrives

Today was the day for my wife's hearing for her disability claim.  We had to meet with her lawyer at 730am before going to the location for the hearing.  While at his office we covered what he was going to tell the judge and what my wife should and should not say to help prove her case.  While we were reviewing the information, I hoped my wife could hold herself together to get through having to recount her battles with bipolar/depression/suicidal thoughts.  We rode with the lawyer to the building for the hearing.  When we arrived we were told it would be about 30 minutes before we could see the judge.  After a short time, my wife was called.  I accompanied her and the lawyer to the hearing room.  We walked, got seating and her case began.  Then it ended just as quickly.  The judge explained that based on the information he had in front of him and with assistance from a doctor who explained conditions and medications, he did not need to hear any further testimony.  The judge said he could make a ruling based on the evidence alone.  So that's it.  My wife has completed her fight for her disability claim.  Now it's just a matter of waiting to see how much her fight was worth. 

WTF Moment - Who Wears the Pants in the Family

I came home from work today and was going through the mail when my wife approached me about something that happened to her today.  She explained to me that she had taken a shower earlier in the day and decided to put on a pair of my boxers because they were laying on the dresser.  Let me rephrase that - she tried to put on a pair of my boxers.  Now in days gone past my wife could wear some of my clothes because I used to wear loose fitting garments and she was a little bit smaller. In present day - that ain't happening.  The difference in our sizes has widened (no pun intended) so much that she explained she could not get the boxer above her thighs.  WTF?!! Guess her test today proves who wears the pants in the family since she can no longer fit into mine.

Judgement Day

Well the day is almost here when my world will be changed forever.  After nearly 2 years of not working, my wife's court date has finally arrived.  A lot of things have crossed my mind about this situation and the possible outcomes.  If she does win the case and is awarded disability, will it be enough to actually make an impact on our financial situation?  If she does not win the case, will she be willing to actually look for a job?  Most importantly, if she does not win the case, what will her mental state be like?  Will she be able to cope or will she have another breakdown?  The answers are only a couple of days away. 

Destroying my future to deal with the present

I had to take a desperate move to take care of most of my financial debts.  I had hoped that I would have found another job by now but no such luck.  In order to catch up on the mortgage and my truck note as well as some other bills, I cashed out my 401k from my last full time job.  Good news is that I was able to clear $8000 after the initial tax penalties.  Bad news is that I owed $6000 just for the truck and the mortgage.  Add $450 for daycare, $300 for a trip to the local Sams Club to buy stuff (paper plates and cleaning supplies) in bulk while we had money and you can see how to blow 8g's in a couple of days.  So now my present is ok for the moment but my future looks bleak because I don't have anything saved for retirement.