Commitment

One of my favorite artists, Monica, has a song out now called "Commitment."  In the song there is a line that goes "I can show you all my thoughts and where my demons play."  I've been thinking about this and realized that I have never really committed to any one person.  There is no one person who knows all my thoughts and where my demons play.  I have several people I go to and vent but no one person knows EVERYTHING.  Maybe that's why I got divorced - because I was never truly committed.  

Five months and counting

May 26, 2019 marked the five month mark for my divorce.  I can't say it has been a breeze but I'm sure things could have been worse.  My ex-wife and I are on fairly good terms but there are a few things we disagree on.  Based on what others have told me, my ex-wife has posted on social media that she is living her best life now that I'm gone.  I'm happy that she is happy.  I'm working on living my best life also.  Life goes on.

Our Divorce was Easy

I was talking with my ex-wife a few days ago.  She started telling me about some of her friends who were in some stage of divorce.  One lady stated her husband absolutely refused to consider divorce even though their relationship is completely shot.  Another lady is in the middle of a divorce but can't agree to terms with her husband.  Etc, etc.  Those ladies, along with members of my ex-wife's family asked, how did she make it seem so easy.  My ex-wife wasn't sure what they meant because divorce is never easy.  After spending 20+ years together, my wife and I are still trying to separate ourselves from each other financially speaking. Also, we still have children together so we can't completely walk away from each other.  I guess our divorce was easy because we agreed on everything.  I didn't put up any resistance to what she wanted.  I just signed the paperwork and kept it pushing.  Since we agreed on everything, there was no need to go to court.  I guess on the outside looking in our divorce was easy.

Kids had fun with me

I should have posted this a month ago.  We had a special training week at my new job last month.  During the course of the week, there were a couple of family friendly events.  The first event was dinner at a local restaurant.  I invited my ex-wife and kids.  The ex chose not to attend but the kids were gung ho.  They enjoyed dinner because it was crawfish, shrimp and other seafood items.  They were even able to order additional items from the menu.  The second event was a local baseball game.  The kids enjoyed sitting in a VIP section complete with food.  They were able to purchase souvenirs.  After the events of the week, my ex wife told me that the kids had fun with me.  That made the whole week worth it. 

If you don't grind, don't expect my sympathy

I was working last Saturday morning and received a phone call.  It was an employee from another store.  She wanted to know if I could work for her the next night.  I apologized and informed her that I was already scheduled at my job.  The young lady went on to say "I haven't had an off day in 2 weeks."  Haven't had an off day in 2 weeks?  Bitch, please!  I haven't had an off day in months.  But I'm focused on my grind.  Damn a day off. 

Pain getting worse

Not taking care of my health properly is starting to take a toll, especially with all the work I am doing these days.  I feel it most in my feet.  Rather, I don't feel in my feet.  They are not completely numb but there are times when I incur various pains like pins.  I know this is not a good sign and I am trying to do better but it seems like the pain keeps getting worse.  I started seeing a podiatrist last year as well as my regular doctor.  I hope I'm able to get things better before it gets worse and leads to complications. 

It's a Small, Small World

Yesterday proved yet again that it is indeed a small, small world.  I decided to attend an awards program for my youngest daughter at her school.  When I arrived, I walked in and tried to find a spot to observe.  I walked past a young lady and thought "it can't be."  Me being me, I went and stared her in the face.  She stared back for a second then said "HEY! How have you been?"  This was someone I have not seen face to face in over 20 years.  We hadn't seen each other since high school.  Turns out our kids attend the same school.  It's a small, small world. 

Child Support Problems

Sometimes the government intervenes when it's not necessary.  A couple of weeks ago, my paycheck was garnished.  I was distraught when I noticed $240 of my hard-earned money gone without warning.  I contacted payroll and HR to find out the source of the garnishment.  This led me to the department of human services.  According to them, I was behind $1200 on child support and they were going to take $240 from every paycheck going forward until I caught up.  Wait!  Do what!! I pay my child support.  I called the agency to discuss what happened.  I was told that since I was paying my wife's representative payee and not the agency directly, there was no record of the payments.  I told the rep on the phone I had receipts from the payee.  The young lady on the phone said my ex-wife would have to come to the office with the receipts and fill out paperwork stating I had made the payments.  And then it was up to the case worker, if the payments were acceptable.  This also poses a problem for my wife because now she has to wait for money to be loaded to a child support card rather than get it from her payee.  So as I look at my statement for this week's check, I see another garnishment even though my wife went and filled the paperwork out.  These child support problems are going to be a major headache.

Speakerphone in public

Dear Cell Phone User,

I'm sorry that you got that new Iphone without a standard headphone jack and you can't afford airpods.  I'm also sorry that you destroyed your wired or wireless headphones for your Android phone.  I am not, however, sorry when I mean mug yo stupid ass for walking in public talking to people on speakerphone.  I do not want to hear your whole conversation.  I do not want to hear any of it actually.  Tell you what.  You can borrow my bluetooth headphones.  In fact, keep dem bitches.  A gift from me to you.  Just get yo ass off speakerphone in public.

Sincerely

The nigga you just grossed out talking to yo baby mama about making another baby.

Slip of the tongue

It's been 4.5 months since my divorce became official.  I'm not the kind of person who broadcasts my personal business.  People that knew my wife and I before the divorce still ask how is she doing and how are the kids.  I simply reply "they're good" or "they're ok."  If they ask if I'm divorced (considering I have not worn my ring in 4.5 months, you would think that someone would notice) I'll tell them.  I was talking to one of my co-workers at my retail job and she said something about my wife.  She caught me slipping because I said "you mean ex-wife."  Damn.  Slip of the tongue.  Her jaw dropped and said stop playing.  I said I was dead serious.  She shook her head and walked away.  I don't know if she has shared the info with anyone else.  If she does, cool.  If she does not, cool. 

Leave already. He Ain't Gonna Change

I have a friend in a strained relationship.  Strained to the point, she doesn't live with her husband anymore.  The two have not officially divorced but considering they have not lived under the same roof in over a year, they might as well go ahead and make it official.  For whatever reason, they refuse to do so.  Also, she refuses to stop giving him chances to upset her.  If he wasn't doing right, when you were together, he damn sure ain't gonna do right when you're not.  My biggest problem with the situation is their kids.  He'll make plans to do something with the kids and then pull out at the last minute without a reasonable excuse.  I could understand a life/death situation or going to work trying to make more money to support the family.  No.  This nigga bailed on his kids to ride with another nigga out of town.  Really?  You ditched yo kids to be a dude's side bitch and got absolutely nothing out of the deal?  Stupidity at its finest.  I've told her to leave his stupid ass several times but she hasn't.  Guess she's gonna keep dealing with his non-changing ass.

Bitch, He is a manager

We currently live in a society where people in leadership roles are getting younger.  Long gone are the days where a manager had to be an older white male.  That being said, also gone are the days when a "manager" only managed people.  Today managers are in the trenches with the grunts for the most part.  I have 3 managers currently.  All 3 work as hard as I do for the company.  No one has a desk job where they can sit and look cute.  I say all this because I had a situation recently with a customer.  She called during the day and spoke with one of my peers on the phone.  He told her he was the manager.  When she arrived later that day to resolve her issue, I introduced myself as the manager on duty.  She seemed a little confused.  She stated she wondered why the young man she spoke with earlier answered the phone and said he was the manager.  I tried to explain to her he is part of the management team so at the time she called, he was the manager.  She went on to say she not used to a manager answering the phone and things of that nature.  I had to bite my tongue before I said, Bitch, he is a manager.

Laughter all around us

I once heard a comedian say laughter is all around us.  You just have to sit back and observe. Such was the case this past Saturday.  While working at my retail job, a customer purchased 2 items which made me laugh. An older gentleman came to the register with lambskin condoms and some icy hot. It took all my self control to keep a straight face.

Superstar Devil

Satan was on his A game today.  He tried to push me repeatedly today but I somehow made it through.  My day started off like any other workday.  I was chatting with my coworkers when a call came in from a client I helped yesterday.  Same issue.  That meant that the problem was more involved than I initially thought.  I consulted with a more experienced tech.  Nearly 2 hours later we discovered the root cause.  As I went back to my desk to try and contact the client, I noticed that I had a missed text message.  My daughter had texted me stating she needed to get to school.  I told my manager I needed to take an early lunch.  I went to pick her up and drop her off.  I returned to work only to get a text from my other daughter stating she had locked herself out of the house.  Now this was a major problem because my ex-wife was out of town and obviously I don't have a key.  I had to leave work a second time.  I took my daughter to my house and left her there.  Things seemed to calm down until 3ish when I received a text from the ex stating I needed to get our middle daughter from tutoring.  This meant I had to go get my oldest, fight 5 oclock traffic to get the middle one and then rush to try and make it to the performance of my youngest child.  Fun, right?  The devil was truly a superstar today but I played right along with him. 

One Reason for my Divorce

Living single gives me time to look at my life and analyze the good and the bad.  Last Friday offered a little incite as to why I ended up getting divorced.  Last Friday I received a text from a former co-worker.  She asked if I was busy and if I could talk.  I figured it was a serious matter because she knew I was at work.  I called and talked to her.  She needed me to calm her down about a situation and provide her advice.  After the call, a light bulb went off.  One of the reasons for my divorce suddenly stared me in the face.  One of the reasons for my divorce was the fact that I tried to be a "husband" to so many others besides my wife.  As I think back over the years, I was always doing things for my female friends that their significant other should have been doing.  Being a sounding board, providing advice, going out for meals, running errands.  These were all tasks I did on the regular.  Some friends reciprocated and others simply used me.  Regardless it happened.  And I think that because I had done all those things for my now ex-wife for so many years, I grew tired of doing it for her so I opted to to do it for someone else.  Toward the end of our marriage, she tried to accept my actions but in the end, divorce was the result. 

Birthday 2019 Recap

It's been almost a week since my birthday and I have not stopped to take the time and recap my lack luster day.  As usual, I worked on my birthday.  I didn't tell anyone at my new job that I was another year older.  My oldest daughter went to lunch with me.  We ate at a local wing place and had a nice conversation.  I'm happy that she is doing better but I'm still concerned about her and the medicines.  I went to my retail job that evening.  Nothing special.  Same shit as always just a different day.  During the course of the day I received a couple of  "Happy Birthday" texts from family but none from my friends.  I even got a "Happy Birthday" from the ex-wife.  And that's it.  Birthday done.

Coparenting Challenges

I'm trying my best to make this divorce work for the sake of my children.  They know that if they need anything that I can provide (besides my physical presence) then it's theirs.  With that said, I've made a few "pop up" visits to the house to drop off miscellaneous items the girls needed.  Sometimes I would knock and put it in someone's hands.  Other times I would leave the item and simply send a text message.  Apparently my ex-wife disapproves.  She sent me an email a few days ago that I only noticed by chance tonight.  She basically said to stop showing up at the house unannounced.  She said I know when my visitation times are and if I need to see the girls outside of those times, I have to inform her.  Cool. No problem.  I can handle that.  We've been divorced 3 months and just when I thought things were getting better, I realize they are getting worse.   

Birthday 2019

I'm another year older today. Yay! (Trust me, that was a very sarcastic yay.)  This is the first year since high school that I have not been in a relationship.  Twenty-four years I started dating my now ex-wife.  This year, I celebrate alone.  Well, not completely.  I talked to my eldest daughter today and she wanted to go to lunch with me so we could spend some time together.  Can't wait to see how that goes.  I'm not really expecting much of anything today other than a handful of Happy Birthday texts from family because my "friends" are few and far between.  Considering this post is just after midnight, I may try to do a daily recap once I come home for the night.

New Medicine Cocktail

My oldest daughter was released from the hospital last Tuesday.  She seemed to be ok after the ordeal but time will truly tell.  She was prescribed a nice mixture of medications to help her cope with life.  Hydroxyzine, sertraline and aripiprazole - anxiety, depression and depression.  I hope the medication is the right mix for here and she is able to cope.  I really don't want her to have the challenge of changing meds frequently until the right "mix" is determined by her doctors. 

Ain't No Jobs Out Here

I've been meaning to post this for almost a month but I've been busy and I've been procrastinating.  We constantly hear people say "ain't no jobs out here. Nobody's hiring."  To those people who feel the job market is garbage, I say this.... you are absolutely right.  There aren't any jobs out here - for lazy motherfuckers who don't want to hustle and grind.  All you entitled feeling motherfuckers can sit at home and be miserable.  Jobs are available to people like me.  I currently have 3 jobs - retail, fast food and technical support.  So don't say "ain't no jobs out here."  Say you don't really want to work.