WTF Moment

Today's second WTF moment comes courtesy of my nephew by marriage. Gotta start adding that label because I told a co-worker he was my nephew and they thought we were blood related.  FYI - I am an only child. Can't do the niece/nephew thing.  But back to the moment.  In an effort to avoid future drama with his first baby mama, my nephew decided he would reach out to the Department of Human Services and put himself on child support.  Things did not go as planned.  First of all, he learned that his baby mother has to put in the request for child support.  Secondly, and this the real WTF moment, he learned that someone tried to put him on child support a year and a half ago from his home town.  WTF?!! So some other girl is claiming you got her pregnant and aren't taking care of your baby? Are you fucking serious? And how the hell are you COMPLETELY unaware? So for the past year and a half no one has tried to contact you at all about this? Sad, just fucking sad. It's times like this that I am so thankful I was not extremely curious about sex when I was younger.  Much like now, I had too much other stuff going on than to lay up with somebody.  O well, different strokes for different folks.  Guess this dumb ass nephew been stroking the wrong people for a very long time. 

WTF Moment

I walked outside this morning with my youngest child preparing to take her to daycare.  A van pulled up and parked.  My first thought was "who the fuck is this and what they want at 730 in the morning?"  A lady hopped out and introduced herself.  She went on to say that she was our neighbor from across the street and that they had recently placed membership at my wife's church.  She handed me a pocket bible encyclopedia book.  She explained that she knew I was working on picking a church and she would love for me to attend theirs when I had time.  I thanked her and she left.  WTF?!! Really? How does someone I have NEVER talked to in my 30+ years of life know so much about me?  One answer.  My stupid ass wife.  Why are you telling people my business?  You would think that after being together for over 15 years she would have learned by now that I am a private person.  I don't advertise to those I feel don't need to know.  I wonder who else she has been blabbing to?  Guess when I find out, it will be another WTF moment.

Two Times in One Week

I meant to post this over the weekend but have been so tired that I couldn't do anything but work and sleep.  Last Friday I had another hypoglycemic episode.  That was the second one within five days.  This time it happened at my fast food job.  My hand started to cramp up but I just blew it off.  When the pain continued for several minutes to the point I was unable to utilize my hand, I realized I was in trouble.  I thought my blood glucose was too high but there was something strange about my symptoms.  Then I started shaking.  That could only mean one thing - my blood glucose was too low.  A quick check on my meter confirmed it.  I grabbed a soda and waited for the sugar in it to take effect.  A little while later, all was well once again in my world.  I'm still worried however.  I rarely have low blood glucose.  And this time it took me a while to determine in it was high or low blood sugar.  Maybe that is my wake up call to start managing my disease better.  Two times in one week is too many chances for a trip to ICU. 

Another Restless Night

I had another rough night sleeping last night.  Almost identical to the last one.  I was working on the computer and dozed off in the chair.  I moved to the couch and awoke several times before the blare from my alarm alerted me to the start of my new day.  I'm still unsure of the cause.  I know that I am tired and I know my body wants rest.  I just don't know what keeps stopping me from getting the rest I need. We'll see what happens tonight after a day of working both jobs.  If tonight is no better, it may be time to invest in some type of sleeping aid. 

Rick Ross Money

While I was on my lunch break today, my nephew called 3 times.  I simply looked at the phone because I was running errands and had no time for foolishness.  I texted him back shortly afterward.  He was trying to call to get my advice on what he should do.  Someone was willing to give him $1500 for the car he has.  He had found another car for $2500 he wanted to purchase.  (*Forgot to mention he got his income tax refund today in the amount of $5000) I informed he that the decision was his to make.  If he had the money and that's what he wanted to do then proceed.  And that's what he did.  He came home later and handed me a stack of one hundred dollar bills to hold for him until tomorrow when he goes to pay off his court fees.  (**Also forgot to mention that he got $5000 because he claimed one of his children.  Now the mother of the child wants $2000) Looks like the nephew is going to fall into the trap of so many people at this time of year and take the Rick Ross approach to money...Blow Money Fast!

Restless Night

I had a rough night last night.  I was up until 11pm working on the computer.  I laid my head back in the chair and dozed for a few minutes.  I got up and moved to my couch.  After tossing for a while, I finally got comfortable but didn't sleep immediately.  Eventually I did fall asleep again only to awaken 2 hours later. I went to the bathroom and tried to lay back down.  Two hours later, same thing.  By the time I laid down for the last time, my alarm was going off indicating it was time to prepare myself for work.  I really wish I could say what kept me up last night.  I have a lot on my mind but I don't think I was processing that much.  My blood sugar may have been off but I feel fine.  Guess I really don't know what caused my restless night but I do know it is going to lead to a long day at work. 

How Low Can You Go?

I had a scary moment at work the other day.  I was sitting at my desk and I started to feel myself shake.  I blew it off initially thinking it may have just been a cold chill or something.  When the feeling continued for a couple of minutes, I got worried.  I knew my blood sugar was off.  I spoke with a peer and informed her that I was about to check it and would be right back.  A quick run to the bathroom and finger prick confirmed my fear.  46.  Normal blood sugar ranges from about 70-140.  I always run higher than normal because I don’t function well in the normal range.  Call it crazy but I don’t.  So for me to be at 46 was like being on Death’s doorstep waiting to be let in.  I quickly inhaled a candy bar and a soda in hopes of recovering.  My peer checked on me again.  I told her I was in the process of getting better but it would take time.  I let her feel my heart rate since it was extremely elevated due to the hypoglycemia.  A shocked and concerned look came across her face.  I told her not to worry and that I would be ok.  After a short period of time, the candy bar and soda kicked it.  I started to feel slightly better.  I was able to complete my day without visiting the emergency room. Times like that remind me of how important it is to take better care of myself.  I really don’t want to find out how low my blood sugar can go before I reach the point of no return

And the Survey Says...

I asked my nephew whatever happened with the DNA test to determine if the second potential baby was his.  He told me the results came back positive and he was definitely the father.  All I could do was shake my head.  You are a 21yr old, convicted sex offender with a high school education working at a fast food restaurant.  You are now the father of 2 children less than a year old by two different females.  Things do not look good for the future.

My Opinion Doesn't Matter

Last week I asked my wife if she would be interested in working with a personal trainer.  A few guys at one of my jobs do that kind of stuff on the side for low fees but the results are great.  I was willing to pay for the sessions and the guys were willing to work around her schedule.  She didnt really say much about it at the time so I left it alone.  A couple of days ago, she texted me and asked if the offer was still available.  I informed her that the offer became null and void when her credit card company called and said she had missed the last two payments.  When we further discussed it that evening, she informed me that she was talking to one of the guys she worked with about it and he suggested that she try it.  More specifically he told her that if I mentioned anything about exercise and was willing to pay, she should jump on it because that meant I was not happy with her current appearance.  Really? You have got to be fucking kidding me. I cannot believe the nerve of this man to tell my wife something like that.  Guess it took someone other that her husband to make my wife see she has room for improvement. 

Bitch Kill Yourself

After last night's incident and my blog post, I couldn't sleep.  I tossed and turned all damn night.  I am fighting the urge to put my head on this desk right now so I can make this post.  I confronted my wife today about leaving the stove on.  I asked her did she care about the girls.  I told her this was not the first instance where she or the girls could have been seriously hurt or killed based on her negligence.  I reminded her that if the medications she is on have her that zombie-like, she really needs to talk to her doctor.  Her look of what the fuck ever struck a nerve and I let her know how I really felt.  I told her that if she couldn't start doing better on medication, I would rather her stopping take the shit and kill herself.  Yes I said it. Just like that. And I was dead serious.  The really fucked up part about the whole conversation was that she didn't say anything at all. As I discussed in my last post, I am holding onto this rope for dear life. Sooner or later I either need to be rescued or I'm going to have to let go.

End of my Rope

I was really hoping that the end would not come so soon.  I was hoping something would happen and I would be able to hold on much longer.  Unfortunately, I am getting dangerously close to the end of my rope.  I walked into the house tonight and immediately thought to myself, "Damn, it's hot in here." My first thought was someone have turned the central heat/cool unit up too high.  But this was a different kind of heat and it was accompanied by a faint smell of something cooking.  I went straight to the oven. WTF?! The oven was on and empty.  Everyone in the house was asleep.  I turned it off and went to the bedroom to ask my wife how long the oven had possibly been on.  I don't even think you gained enough conciousness to really understand what I was asking her.  I asked if she realized you could have burned the house down and killed everyone in it. She nodded her head and rolled back over.  So I'll be pissing her off in a minute cause we bout to have a nice chat.  I've reached the end of my rope.  Either I am going to let go and land where I may or I'm going to take this rope and choke the shit out of the stupid bitch.

Popular Opinion

I have never been a big fan of popular opinion.  Everyone is entitled to make their own choices.  Just because the masses like a person or a thing, does not mean that I have to like it.  Prime example, social networking. I stayed away from Facebook until my hand was forced. And even now, I dont use it, so what was the point? Twitter. I went hard on twitter for a while and now I have left it alone also.  Haven't checked my timeline in over a week.  But back to the main subject of this post.  I have been sharing a lot of my personal life with my co-workers and peers.  The all have their 2 cents to put in about how they would handle the situation and what they would do.  When one person tells you something, it's an idea.  When 2 people tell you something, it's a possibility.  When the majority are all saying the same thing, you might want to take their advice.  The majority of the people I deal with think I would be better off without my wife.  Two of them actually said I should leave and make her pay child support and these people dont even talk to each other!  I'm not a big fan of popular opinion but this may be one time I really consider what they are saying. 

The Unknown – My Future

I’m a pack rat by nature.  I rarely throw things out because I feel there may be additional use for them.  For nostalgia sake, I hung on to my Senior Memory book.  Looking at where I hoped to be at this time in my life based on what I thought then, I am way off.  So I ask myself the question, where do I want to be in 5, 10 or 20 years from now?  Other than having my children out of my house, I don’t know if I can answer that question.  In fact, I can’t honestly say I’ll be around long enough to see that question to the end.  My future is uncertain.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me.  One of the few things in life I fear is the unknown and it scares the hell out of me. 

The Man in the Mirror – My Present

I often tell friends and associates that I do not have a problem with confidence.  I tell them that I look in the mirror every day and say “you are a bad motherfucker.”  Truth is, I wish I could do that. Yes I do have confidence but it is not nearly at the level I want it to be.  I have overcome a lot but I have so much more to endure.  I wake up in the morning and say to myself, “Try not to kill yourself today.”  Now please don’t read too much into that and think I’m talking about suicide although the thought has crossed my mind.  When I say don’t kill yourself, I am referring to overdoing it to the point of no recovery.  Working 2 jobs, trying to maintain a household and taking online classes takes a lot out of a person.  And those tasks do not include the extra stuff I do for friends and family.  Sometimes I think that I do all this stuff so I can feel good about myself, like I matter to people.  Other times I think to myself that it’s all a façade and that if I die today, life will continue on without me.  They say the present is a gift.  Problem is that nobody, including myself, knows what I really want.

Where I was and Who I was – My Past

My past is a unique story.  The best thing about my past is that I can proudly say I would not change anything that has ever happened to me.  Every good thing, bad thing would stay in tact.  Every triumph and every heartbreak. It all contributed to the man I am today.  As I sit and think about my current money problems, I reminisce of when money wasn’t a issue.  My first credit card was an American Express.  I purchased a Sony Playstation and a CD Player for my car with it not know the terms of repayment for the card.  Hard lesson to learn but I survived.  I thought about being in college and having no financial worries. Staying on campus in the dorm, foot locker and fridge always stocked with food.  My room was entertainment central.  I had my computer, a N64 and a Xbox.  I remember a point in time where I visited the local Sam Goody every week.  The staff knew me by name.  I was so caught up in music and dvds, I would go to the movies, leave the theater to go purchase the soundtrack and then reserve the dvd of the movie I just saw.  O the good old days.  It was fun while it lasted. That’s where I was and that’s who I was….back then.

My Past, My Present, My Future

I’ve been thinking about my past, present and future a lot with the start of the new year.  I guess because for the most part, my year has not started how I wanted.  I didn’t end 2011 as successful as I hoped. I’m currently not where I want to be on many different levels. And with that said, my future looks bleak. I was gonna write about this stuff all in one session but I think it will turn into a book rather than a blog.  So I will break them down into separate categories for you to read at your leisure.

Me and My Big Mouth

I used to be a very secretive person.  What you saw is what you got.  Nothing more.  You had to really get to know me and be in my life 24/7 to get the inside track on who I am and what I do.  Recently however, that has changed.  I don't know why and I don't know that it's a good or bad thing.  I was talking with a co-worker about my home life the other day and jokingly said that I don't sleep in the bed with my wife.  We laughed it off and went about our business for the day.  Today at work, she re-visited the question and I told her I was very serious.  We spent about 15 minutes of our lunch time talking about the craziness that is my married life.  It's impossible to learn all my dirt in 15 minutes so she is looking forward to future conversations.  Question is -  how much am I going to tell her? I've already told her that I have cheated in the past and some other juicy gossip.  Let's see what else my big mouth is going to reveal in upcoming conversations.

Fear of Illness

I have a genuine fear of getting sick for several reasons.  My biggest concern with getting sick is the fact that I am diabetic.  When I get sick, it throws my blood sugar completely off. More so than I do on the daily with my half as taking care of myself.  As a result of the diabetes, I am also slower to heal.  So a simple scratch that heals in a couple of days on a normal person, may take weeks to heal on me.  My other problem with getting sick is that work and home lives go to hell when I am not well.  My house is already a diasaster area.  Today is my normal day to clean.  Unfortunately, I don't have the strength or desire to do anything so the mess will only get worse.  As far as work goes, if my team is left unsupervised, there is no telling what they will do.  Sure they will do their job but not without fucking off as much as possible in the process.  So I guess what it all boils down to is that my fear of illness is not being able to recover. 

I Need Bail Money

I am really getting to the point that I am debating the pros and cons of going to jail.  Interactions with my wife are getting worse instead of better.  Let’s take yesterday for example.  My eldest daughter left a cryptic note on my desk about needing a display board for school.  I saw it but was unable to ask about it because I was headed to work.  While at work, I discovered one of my teammates had a daughter working on a similar project and was in need of a board.  I called home to confirm when the project was due.  I found out that my daughter had attempted to get a board but it was the wrong size.  I asked my wife if she could take our child to get the correct board.  My wife’s response was “It might be awhile. I have the baby.”  Are you fucking serious?  Are youngest child is almost 3 years old and far from being a baby.  I asked my wife how could she neglect her own child for someone else’s.  I ended that conversation and hung up.  I called right back and told her that if her nephew could not watch his child then the baby need not come to our house.  She hung up in my face.  The good news is I was at work and opted not to leave and beat her ass.  The bad news is I am really running out of patience and tolerance for her foolishness and if she keeps up her current ways, I am going to need bail money.

Left Foot, Right Foot

I continue to have these unexplainable pains in my lower legs and feet.  They never last more than a few seconds but I know whenever one hits.  The best description I have is the feeling you would get if someone were to stick you with a needle.  The pain is always very sharp and very exact.  The location may very (left foot, right foot) but I can tell with pinpoint accuracy that, for example, my left tendon is hurting just above the ankle.  My fear is that these pains are the signs of a bigger problem.  I am going to try and take it for as long as possible.  But sooner or later either the pain will go away or I am going to have to give in.  

Too Proud to Beg

Pride can be an awesome thing.  There is nothing wrong with taking pride in your work and your accomplishments.  The problem with pride is that sometimes you have to swallow it and the taste is never a good one.  That is my current dilemma.  I take pride in being a hard worker.  I take pride in busting my ass to care for my family.  But due to my current financial crisis, I am having to swallow my pride and ask for help.  And it is not easy.  I joke with friends and family about how bad the problem is.  Many have offered assistance but I have turned most of them down because pride keeps getting in the way.  I hope this situation takes a turn for the better on payday.  Otherwise, I am going to end up swallowing more than my pride.

Know Your Role and Shut Your Mouth

Any fan of the WWE knows where that quote comes from.  I have thinking about a lot of things with the beginning of the year.  One thing that I keep revisiting is people's roles in my life and the role I play in theirs.  I spoke to a co-worker and explained I planned to start the year off with no friends.  By that I meant that no one would have that A1 status in my book.  No one would have that drop whatever I'm doing so I can rescue them status.  I wanted people to earn my friendship this year because 2011 saw people straddle the friendship fence.  Sometimes we were friends because it was convenient.  That's not the definition of a true friend.  We are on day 6 of this new year and I am already having trouble putting people into categories.  Some people, who were friends in 2011, have already proven their friendship in 2012.  Others are trying real hard.  Some friends and associates from 2011, I have yet to have an interaction with.  Regardless of their status in 2011, I just need everyone in my life to know their role and play their part accordingly. 

False Start

This is not how I planned on starting off the new year.  I really think I am being tested.  I think the devil is pissed that he did not get the better of me at the end of last year so he is coming out guns blazing to start this year. Five days into the new year and my financial future looks darker than ever.  I have not been this bad off in about 5 years.  Despite my wife’s continuous fucking off of money, I have always had options to help get me out of slight financial crisis.  But I have exhausted every single option I have.  I intend to borrow some money from a friend but I can’t borrow too much because it has to be paid back quickly.  It’s not like a bank loan or something. I just really can’t believe that in the last 5 days: (a) I’ve learned that my wife’s bank account in $500 overdrawn, (b) I paid $500 for the tag for my truck, (c) I spent $270 on the stray dog my wife brought home for Christmas, (d) My older dog died for some unknown reason and it is going to cost $105 to find out (yes, I paid for an autopsy. Wanna make sure she wasn’t poisoned and that the new dog will be ok).  So I have spent $900 of my check and still need to pay both car notes and the cell bill which total about $1200.  They say money is the root of all evil.  I think lack of money is the work of the devil.  But that’s ok.  I’m gonna let that pointy-tailed motherfucker laugh for now.  Once I get my mind right and start turning this shit around, I’m gonna laugh my ass off at his failed attempt to bring me down.

Honesty May Not Always Be The Best Policy

First, a little background for those just joining in.  I traded my old car in for a newer model back in October.  Being financially unstable at the time of purchase, I decided to use the old tag on the new vehicle because it was still good until the end of the year.  Yes, I know that is dishonest but unless you, the reader, plan on giving me the money for a tag, let's move on.  I finally decided to go get my new tag today.  I went into the office and explained to the lady about the new vehicle and asked could I keep my same tag because it was personalized.  The young lady said sure and proceeded to start processing the tag. I had a feeling the tag would be expensive but I didnt imagine it would cost me $500.  Add to that, the fact that since the vehicle was purchased in October, she set the tag to expire in October 2012.  So for all my trying to do the right thing, I got a tag that expires in 10 months. Sometimes, honest is not the best policy.

New Year, Same Ole Shit

Anybody that really knows me, knows that I don't do New Year's resolutions.  To me, they are a joke.  Why wait until the start of a new year to make a change for the better.  If you are going to change, go ahead and do it.  With that being said, I felt I had set things in motion at the end of 2011, to make things better in my life in 2012.  I thought I had laid a solid foundation to build on and to progress towards goals I wanted to achieve.  Apparently, my foundation was weak.  Four days into the new year and I am worse off than I was in 2011.  And it's my own damn fault.  Rather than being stern and sticking to my guns, I folded and continue to let people walk over me.  I let my wife do some of the dumbest shit ever.  Then once she has had her fun and caused stress in my life, I fix her mistake.  That's how it has been for quite a while.  A part of me really wants to let her fall flat on her face and suffer every single consequence she is due.  The other part refuses to let her fuck-ups affect our children.  It's a vicious cycle.  I tried talking to her at the end of 2011 about things we needed to do to have a good year in 2012.  Obviously, I was talking to myself because she has already royally destroyed any chance of progress I hoped to achieve this year.  How the hell do you start the new year off half a grand in the hole?  And how do you keep spending money when you have no additional income?  We're four days into 2012 but I feel like I'm stuck in 2011.  New Year, Same Ole Shit. 

WTF Moment

Didn’t take long for my wife to provide me with the first WTF moment of 2012.  I was at work when I received a text message from my wife.  In order for you to get the full effect, I am going to type it exactly as she sent it to me.  The message read:  if I granted you a threesome would you accept it? And with whom?  WTF?! Are you serious?  This how we gonna start the new year off?  With foolishness?  That’s ok. I’ll play along.  Just don't get mad when you don't get the answer you want to that question.

One Down, 365 days to go

The first day of 2012 has officially come and gone.  As a whole today was not a bad day.  I took my 15yr to an empty parking lot and let her drive a little.  Knowing that she is old enough to get her permit, I want to try and familiarize her with the rules of the road.    I was off from my primary job so I got to spend my morning with the family.  Work at my second job was not too bad.  And now I sit I front of my computer reflecting on day 1!

Social Networking 2012

Here we are at the start of a new year and I am revisiting an old subject. I almost went the entire day without checking my twitter account.  The reason I checked it was to confirm something for a friend.  Today proved something to me.  I don’t really need social networking in my life at this time. I realize that the people I follow on twitter use it for their own personal gain.  They rant and rave just because they have an audience.  They give their life story then get upset when someone comments on it.  I don’t need that bullshit in my life.  If I don’t talk to you in person about certain things, why would I want to read about it?  I personally got on twitter to provide comic relief.  I think now I’ll stick to providing comic relief in person.  The last tweet I sent was a reply to one of my followers.  Let’s see how long it will be before I tweet again.

Out with the Old, you know the rest

I've spent the last few days thinking about 2011.  I've been thinking about the positives and negatives I have faced throughout the year.  Overall 2011 wasnt bad.  There were a few situations where I felt I made a bad decision but I learned from my mistakes.  They say that what you are doing at midnight on New Years Eve will be what you do for the upcoming year.  Some people try to kiss their special someone at midnight.  Others consume alcohol.  Still others try to have sex as the new year rolls in.  Just prior to midnight, I took my truck to the carwash. I wanted to make sure my baby was looking good to start the year off.  When midnight actually struck, I was in my yard.  Sitting in my truck, I thought about what 2012 will bring.  All I know is, I'm ready for whatever life throws at me.