I often tell friends and associates that I do not have a problem with confidence. I tell them that I look in the mirror every day and say “you are a bad motherfucker.” Truth is, I wish I could do that. Yes I do have confidence but it is not nearly at the level I want it to be. I have overcome a lot but I have so much more to endure. I wake up in the morning and say to myself, “Try not to kill yourself today.” Now please don’t read too much into that and think I’m talking about suicide although the thought has crossed my mind. When I say don’t kill yourself, I am referring to overdoing it to the point of no recovery. Working 2 jobs, trying to maintain a household and taking online classes takes a lot out of a person. And those tasks do not include the extra stuff I do for friends and family. Sometimes I think that I do all this stuff so I can feel good about myself, like I matter to people. Other times I think to myself that it’s all a façade and that if I die today, life will continue on without me. They say the present is a gift. Problem is that nobody, including myself, knows what I really want.
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