Off On My Own

As I continue on this journey of divorce, things are changing.  Last week I moved out of the house I worked so hard to get.  My wife wanted me to "stop torturing" her and our 2 younger daughters by remaining there.  Also, she had applied for government assistance stating I was already gone.  My original plan was to try to survive in my car for a couple of weeks to save money to get an apartment.  My mother wasn't trying to hear that.  She insisted that I find a hotel and she would assist with paying if necessary.  Luckily I was able to find an extended stay hotel for $250 per week.  So it's basically like having a one room apartment. I have a 42" tv (which I don't watch), fridge, microwave, 2 electric burners for cooking, bathroom with shower and most importantly a bed.  I knew with this divorce I would be off on my own.  Just didn't think it would be this soon and under these circumstances. 

Eat My Own Words

When talking about the women in my life and ranking their importance, I usually explain it as:

1.  My mother comes first.  She shaped me into the man I have become (for the most part). 
2.  My girls come second.  They are each unique in their own way and cannot be replaced.
3.  Wife or girlfriend.  Divorce and breakups happen daily.  She's replaceable.

As much as I have said that in the past, I never thought I would have to actually eat my own words and go through a divorce.  After 20+ years of being together, once the ink on the paperwork dries, I guess it will be time to start searching for a replacement.    

The Nail in the Coffin

The final nail has been placed on the coffin.  It's just a matter of time before this casket is sealed shut.  My wife presented me with the divorce papers when I got home tonight.  She had already signed her name and the date.  I should have known because she asked me was I going to sign them.  We discussed some of the details such as the parenting class we have to attend and the fact the documents have to be notarized since I waived my right to an attorney.  I told her I would try to be out of the house asap so she can move on with her life.  We talked about visitation which I said was not important because once I leave, I won't have a residence to stay in.  We talked about our assets and how our debt would be settled.  It all went in one ear and out of the other.  All I heard was the imaginary sound of a hammer slowly tapping a nail.  During our wedding vows, we said until death do us part.  Guess we're dead to each now. 

I Used to Love Halloween

Years ago, Halloween was my favorite holiday.  It was one day of the year you could be anybody you wanted and no one judged you too terribly.  I used to go all out.  I would decorate my front yard and house.  I would decorate at work if the company allowed.  I would have these awesome Halloween bashes with my closest friends (check previous blogs for more insight.)  But now, Halloween means nothing to me.  I don't decorate anything.  My friends have all moved away so no parties.  I don't even get excited about Halloween candy and I work in a retail pharmacy store full of it!  I used to love Halloween but somewhere along the way, I lost sight of its magic. 

I Don't Know What To Think

As this divorce get closer and closer to being finalized, things are getting more stressful and weirder.  My wife and I were already barely talking but we are to a point now where communication is almost nonexistent.  This morning I walked past her in the kitchen.  Not a word was said.  When we do talk, it's something about the divorce.  She has been pressing me to go ahead and move out.  Easier said than done.  I'm a forty-year old man with no friends I can turn to for assistance.  The people I work with are either married or young so I can't lean on them for a place to stay.  Obviously if I can't afford to maintain the house we are in, how can I afford to get an apartment to live in?  Now, here's a twist.  Although she wants me out of the house, she called me twice last week asking if I was coming directly home after work.  She wanted to go out and our house guest was not home.  Soooo you want me to move out but you want me at the house when you need me?  I don't know what to think. 

The Cycle of Life

It's funny how life treats us sometimes.  This past weekend, my sister-in-law got married.  My wife and daughters attended the service.  If things continue moving at the current pace, I'll be signing divorce papers within a week.  Funny how one life starts and another one ends.  I guess that's how things go to maintain balance in the universe. 

WTF Moment - Strange Dream

Like most people, I usually don't remember my dreams.  The ones I do remember often have something dramatic or traumatic occur which makes them stand out.  I should have blogged about this yesterday when I initially awoke from the dream but it was strange and I had a lot of other things on my mind. 

So apparently in this dream, I was attending some type of gathering or party near the residence of one of my co-workers.  It was an outdoor event but it did not seem to centralized at one particular residence because I remember people walking by and cars passing on the street.  I'm guessing it was some type of block party.  My co-worker approached me while I was outside talking to one of her male family members.  Seemed like a father or uncle based on the conversation.  He walked into the house and she walked out in a sundress.  Now mind you of two things.  One: my co-worker is a very attractive young lady but she has a boyfriend so I have made no attempts at her.  Two:  I have only seen her in work clothes so this sundress look was completely my imagination at its best.  She came over and started talking to me.  After a few minutes, she asked if I wanted to sit down rather than standing and talking.  She suggested we sit in the trunk part of my SUV.  I could tell this was a dream made vehicle because the trunk area was enormous.  We were able to climb into to back and sit comfortably with no problem.  We continued to talk and at one point she straddled me.  She was slightly aggressive and told me not to hold back because she knew that I wanted her.  Frozen with confusion, I just laid there.  The next thing I knew, another male family member was snatching her off of me and out of the SUV.  The person I had spoken with earlier grabbed me and said it was time for me to leave and never come back.  That's when I woke up.  I'm not sure what sparked that foolishness.  

Shit just got real

My wife and I have toyed with the idea of getting a divorce many times over the course of our 14 year marriage.  This time, however, shit has gotten real.  She provided me with a draft of the divorce papers last night so I could read over them and see if I wanted to add anything.  After our conversation, she told me that she would submit the documents back to her friend to write up the final draft.  Based on that, I'll probably be signing divorce papers next week. It's been a unique ride but it looks like it's about to come to an end. 

The Great Dog Caper

Anyone that knows me, knows I have dogs.  My most recent two were a shepard terrier mix weighing about 40 pounds and a lab bloodhound mix weighing about 50 pounds.  I look to these animals as companions and protectors.  The kids enjoy having them around and interact with them frequently.  Back toward the end of August, my dogs disappeared.  Normally if they got out of the yard, they would walk the neighborhood and come back so I was not too concerned.  However, days passed by without any sign of them.  I started calling animal control in my area as well as all the local animal hospitals hoping for a break. A staff member at one of the animal hospitals contacted me when she saw a picture of one of the dogs on Facebook.  Someone had found my terrier mix and turned her in to an animal hospital several miles away.  I was able to retrieve her with no problem.  A week and a half passed by before I found my lab mix.  She had been living in a ditch and someone turned her in to the same animal hospital.  They contacted me and it was a happy reunion.  Or so I thought.  I kept wondering how my dogs ended up several miles away from home in the next town.  I thought someone had dognapped them.  Come to find out my wife drove the dogs to the next town and tried to get rid of them.  She felt the animals had become an unnecessary expense with all the debt we currently have.  This past week, the dogs supposedly took some food from the stove.  My wife told me we had to get rid of them.  She called animal control and had them picked up.  Good news is that I solved the Great Dog Caper.  Unfortunately, I still ended up losing my dogs.   

Dear Customer

I've been wanting to write this post for a while but procrastination is one of my best friends.  Over the course of my career I have worked for a grocery chain, two retail pharmacies, two pizza companies and two call centers.  Often times there are things as employees we wish we could say so that people outside the industry could better understand us.  This post will list a few of those things but is NOT an all-inclusive list. 

1.  Mr/Mrs Customer - you are just that, a customer.  You are not my mother, my father or my significant other.  I don't owe you shit. Thank you and have a great day.
2. When you walk in the door and I speak, you could at least turn your head and acknowledge my gesture.  Trust me, if I didn't have to try and greet every motherfucker that comes in, then I wouldn't.  Unfortunately my company deems it necessary. I'm not asking to have a conversation.  Just look in the direction of my voice and simply say "hello."
3. If I could get paid minimum wage or better to stand at the front counter and do nothing but wait on customers, I would.  But guess what?  My company gets every fucking penny worth out of me.  So my daily tasks include but are not limited to:  checking out customers, stocking shelves, assisting customers find items in the store, taking out trash, cleaning the bathrooms, counting the money,  getting the money to the bank, running and analyzing reports, changing prices, changing merchandise displays and putting shit back where it belongs because your lazy ass threw it behind something on the wrong fucking aisle.
4.  The food you receive will NEVER look like that shit on television.  Unless you don't have cable and internet, everyone should now know about the tricks and techniques that companies use to make a product look mouth-watering on television versus what you really get.  So unless we have totally fucked up your food, take that shit and get out of my restaurant.
5. I'm human.  I'm entitled to a mistake on super duper rare occasions.  In this world of perfection, there are still a few of us who can't always get it right.  If I fuck up, I'll take full responsibility and try to correct my mistake.  However, if the mistake occurs because your dumbass can't operate a smartphone, all bets are off.
6.  You are not my only customer.  I'm sorry that you are in a hurry and just want to pay and go but I can't make this 70 year old woman move any faster.  Either be patient and wait and take your ass elsewhere.  We're not the only place in town that sells what you want.
7.  Unless you see self checkout registers, someone is working in the store.  Please reread #3.  When you approach the register, walk up to the counter and place your merchandise there.  That lets me know that you are ready to pay.  Continuing to fumble around the front of the store and picking up random shit makes me think you are still browsing.  Also, yelling "hello! is anyone working?" is a sure fire way to get mean mugged.
8. Control your bad ass kids.  I'm either in a restaurant or a retail pharmacy environment currently when I work.  I don't have time or patience for your rug rats to tear shit up for me to have to fix later. 
9. I don't know everything.  As much as I would love to be, I am not omnipotent.  I know enough to be dangerous but I don't know it all. I'll provide you with as much information as possible to try and help but don't get mad because I can't answer your dumb ass question.
10.  Prices change.  Please stop coming in and saying "well last week, i paid..." You are absolutely right. Last week you did pay less but guess what.  Inflation happens and as a company, we decided to pass the cost on to you. 

My Girlfriend is Moving

A few months ago, my girlfriend informed me that she is moving out of state.  I encourage the move because I feel she needs a fresh start away from family and friends so she can reinvent herself and be successful.  Well, life happens and her move was delayed.  She plans on leaving at the end of next month now.  People that know she and I are close (they don't know that we are involved) have asked both of us separately, if I am okay with her leaving.  I guess it's because I am her current go-to when things get rough.  As I stated earlier, I am encouraging her to move.  I just have to keep telling myself it is for the best. 

Facing Reality

My wife and I have been together for over 20 years.  We met in high school and have basically been involved ever since.  We've been married 14 of those years and are the parents of 3 beautiful girls.  We've had our good times and bad times but we've survived.  Unfortunately, it is time to bring an end to our survival.  I know that I have personally brought up the idea of divorce several times in the past when we were having problems but failed to get the procedure done.  Based on our most recent disagreements, we have decided to proceed with a divorce.  She is currently getting advice from a friend who happens to be a lawyer but has not hired a lawyer.  (When you figure out how the hell that works, please let me know.)  My wife talked to me the other day and advised me that her friend would draw up the legal documents for the divorce as long as we agreed on the terms.  Our agreement would prevent us from having to go to court and dealing with a judge.  She was informed the procedure could take as little as 3 months but could go longer depending on if there are any complications.  So I could possibly be single again at the start of 2019.  Guess it's time to face reality and start preparing for our separation. 

Never Have I Ever

I remember playing Never Have I Ever with my peers at some of our old gatherings.  It was amazing to hear people come up ridiculous things they had done to try and top each other.  More recently, however, I've been playing my own personal game of Never Have I Ever and I'm not liking the outcome.  My finances have gone from bad to worst to hell.  A couple of weeks ago my cell phone was turned off due to nonpayment.  It was nice to not receive multiple calls daily from creditors trying to collect but I was worried about missing important messages from friends and family.  Then yesterday was the big one.  My wife called me while I was at work and told me a tow truck was at the house looking for my vehicle.  I told him where I was located and he came to repossess my vehicle.  Never have I ever been in such a financial bind. 

Current Relationship Status

When filling out basic paperwork like: job applications, tax documents, apartment/housing leases etc. there is usually a section about your marital status. The choices are single, married, divorced, widowed.  In today's society, the categories need to be updated.  They should include options such as: dating, fresh out of a serious relationship and open relationship.  That's where my current relationship status would fall.  Throw on your thinking caps for this one.  I'm married.  I have a girlfriend which my wife is aware of.  She has a boyfriend who I've met and talked to like an old friend. Hope you got all that.  I'll explain how we got to this point as I continue to update and add posts to this blog. 

Where Should I Begin?

Here we are 6 months down the road since my last post.  I thought I had left out stuff before but now it's even worse.  I've got so much going on in my life, I could probably write 3 separate blogs.  One would be dedicated to work.  One would have to cover my finances.  And the last would detail my personal life.  Of course the 3 would intertwine because you can't have one without the other.  I know I said this last time but I am really going to have to get back to posting to this blog.  The good thing about this is that it's not social media like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat.  You'd really have to stumble across it to know that it even exists.  So what I post will basically be lost in cyberspace until someone gets super bored and decides to read it. And even at that point, unless you really know me, you won't be able to connect all the pieces because I think I do a pretty good job of not mentioning names. 

Damn it! I Hate Deja Vu sometimes!

I feel like I've been down this road before and I really hate how things went.  I've become involved with a female friend.  She has a boyfriend.  I know my role and stay in my place.  We had a conversation yesterday which alarmed me.  She told me that she "gave in" to him and then had sex. I have no problem with that.  They are both consenting adults.  My problem came up when she said he got rough with her.  She didn't go into details but I'm sure she will eventually.  I'm not a fan of any male who puts his hands on a female when she does not ask for it.  I'm not a fan of guys who sweet talk women into sexual acts they are uncomfortable with.  This scenario happened before and I really don't want to see a sequel. 

Why Am I Mad?

I'm usually a pretty laid back person.  I don't let things get to me and I don't hold grudges.  I just keep it pushing and let karma deal with others.  Don't get me wrong, I do get frustrated from time to time especially since I work in fast food and retail.  My jobs aren't the source of my frustration right now though.  I had a conversation with a close friend of mine last night.  She and I are super close and hang out frequently.  Yesterday she decided to do something nice for her boyfriend for his birthday.  She planned to take him out to eat.  The restaurant they chose was packed so they ended up getting a hotel room.  Still not too sure why they couldn't find another place to eat.  Anyway all he wanted to do was fuck.  She has not crossed that line with him yet so the situation was uncomfortable.  He started to play rough and she had to make him stop.  He fell asleep so she texted me to meet her.  She told me about what happened.  She told me she needed to see me because she wanted to feel safe.  I was fairly quiet during the conversation last night but it's been on my mind ever since.  So now I'm asking myself - Am I mad because she went to a hotel with this dude or am I mad because of the fact that he scared her?  I don't know but I wish I could figure it out so I can move on.

It's Been A Long Time

I can't believe I forgot about this blog.  So much has happened since my last post.  I don't even know where to begin.  There's no way for me to remember and post about all the foolishness that is my life.  Guess I'll try to get back into posting every few days.  I've got a lot on my mind these days and I have to get it out somehow.  I guess taking back to the blog will be my best option. 

I Can't Swim and I'm Drowning in Debt

I know that a lot of people face financial problems.  It's the way of the world.  We live outside of our budget trying to survive. My problem is that my budget has changed and been altered due to no fault of my own.  Last December I was demoted at one of my jobs because I was unwilling to travel 3-4 hours away from home to work with no notice.  Sorry but I have 2 school age daughters so I can't just up and leave.  I also have a second job through which I have my health insurance.  I have to maintain a certain number of hours per week to receive those benefits.  So the demotion cost me about $300 per month.  I filed my taxes as soon as I had all the necessary paperwork, hoping to play catch up.  Unfortunately, the US Dept. of Education caught up with my tax refund first and took all of it because my wife was not paying on her student loans.  Oh the joy of filing married and jointly.  We are currently trying to get the money back since her loans are supposed to be written off.  As of yesterday however, we are 4 months behind on the mortgage so we are at the point of foreclosure.  My account is already overdrafted because I'm trying to keep the lights and water on.  I need supplies to take care of my diabetes but I can't afford to order them.  I also need a doctor to write new prescriptions for the supplies but I can't afford an office visit.  As the title of this post states, I'm drowning in debt.  And the way things are looking, I may be going under with no hope of survival. 

Release Therapy

It's been a long time since I posted anything to this blog.  I was actually wondering if it still existed.  I really need this in my life right now.  I need an outlet.  I need somewhere I can get stuff off my chest and out of my mind.  My blog used to be that place.  I think it needs to be that place again.  This is where I will have my release therapy. 

Dope Money

Working in the area where I am employed makes for some awesome stories to share with friends and family in regards to complete obscurity.  Yesterday I was at work and a young man came in to make a purchase.  He was visibly high on something.  (Bloodshot eyes, smoked out lips) He was so bad that I could actually smell weed on him.  He paid for his items and left.  Later I went to cash another customer out and this strange scent caught my nose.  I couldn't quite figure out what it was.  This continued every time I went to the register.  I did a quick self check to make sure my deodorant was working.  I checked the return basket to see if any perishable food was in it.  Still nothing.  And then, the light bulb went off inside my head.  The scent was coming from the cash in the register.  Apparently the high young man had been around so much weed that his money smelled like weed and every time I opened the cash drawer, the scent was coming out.  Talk about dope money! 

Blame it on the Zodiac

I often blame my actions on my zodiac sign.  Born an Aries, I am very unique.  I think I brought this up once before in my blog that the best description I have ever seen for an Aries is a Garfield bookmark that said: "Aries are blunt, direct and have the compassion of a rock."  That bluntness and direct approach attracts people but it can also get me in trouble because I sometimes forget to filter myself.   I was chatting with one of my co-workers a few nights ago and I have to say she is an attractive young lady.  She joked with me about how she does not mess with married men.  The conversation was mostly about me and things I have been through.  She was quite intrigued and kept saying "I knew it" when I would tell her about some of my exploits.  With that in mind and alcohol in my system (so much for that damn filter), I told her about a proposition I made to another female a while back.  I told my co-worker that I offered the female dinner, transportation and a nice hotel room on the day of her choice for an opportunity to taste her.  Not have sex mind you, I just wanted a taste.  My co-worker said "you just tell me when and where.  I don't have to pick anything."  I laughed and told her I wasn't propositioning her but I would keep that in mind.  So as we were about to part ways, I asked my co-worker where was her phone.  I told her to put my number in it.  Her response was "Oh. So you just gonna make me put your number in my phone?"  I looked at her and said "I see you pulled it out and are adding my name so I guess that means yes."  Blame it on the Zodiac.  Aries are used to getting what they want in life.     

He Wanna Be My First

The young man I blogged about a couple of weeks ago reached out to me again this week.  During our conversation I asked why choose me knowing that I had never been with a guy.  He said it was just something about me and that he would love to be my first.  I have experienced many firsts in my life but I am not sure what to do about this situation.  What is really throwing me off is that I am not completely against the idea.  Maybe because I am not homophobic.  Maybe because my wife does not do it for me anymore.  Maybe because I hate telling people know when they ask me for things.  I don't know what the case is but I need to determine what I am going to do. 

Moving, Moving, Moving

Karma has a funny way of biting you in the ass when you least expect it.  Case in point is the nephew.  He was staying in a house with his latest baby mama and some other people.  Apparently the person they were renting from was unaware of his status as a registered sex offender until last month.  When the homeowner found out, he gave them 2 weeks to move out.  Well, the nephew knew he couldn't come back here, especially with a baby.  His choice?  He went back to his hometown.  He will be renting a house from a friend of his family up there.  I hope this move is a good one for him cause that boy is always moving, moving, moving and going no where fast. 

Texting the Wrong Person

A couple of weeks ago I was in a texting frenzy.  I had 3 different conversations going at the same time between my wife and 2 friends.  One of the friends was the young lady who moved away over a year ago.  I was telling her we should Skype so I can get a chance to see her.  I also stated we can't let 2 years go by without actually physically laying eyes on each other. That's where the problem came in.  The text that said we need to see each other went to the wife rather than the friend.  Drama followed.  The wife played it cool for a couple of days and then confronted me about the text.  I told her exactly who the text was intended for.  She then asked if she could see my text messages.  She was met with a stern "no."  She then asked why she could not see them.  I politely told her that the messages were not meant for her so they were none of her business.  Not too sure what she was expecting me to say but I damn sure wasn't worried that I texted the wrong person. 

My Crazy Life

I can't believe that I have let over 2 weeks go by without posting to my blog.  It's not like I don't have time to post.  I guess it is more laziness than anything.  I am really going to have to get back to posting on a more regular basis.  With my two closest friends both moving away, this is going to start being my outlet - my release therapy if you will.  I've got a lot to talk about that has happened in the last couple of weeks. I guess I should get started. 

The Art of Attraction

I've been thinking about the art of attraction a lot these past few days.  Several things have happened to make me question what attracts me to people and vice versa.  The first situation that comes to mind was when I was contacted by one of my formers subordinates.  The conversation started off with the typical "hey what you been up to?"  Then things took a turn.  He (yes you read that right) decided to tell me that he thought I was cute.  Now, don't get me wrong, I know that I am cute.  But to hear it from a guy caught me off guard.  We're not talking "that's a nice outfit you have on cute."  This was "I think you are sexy and want to sleep with you cute."  I didn't make things any better because I continued the conversation to see how serious he was.  He knows that I am married with kids.  I also was sure to tell him that I had never been with a guy.  He still continued to try and see if anything could possibly happen.  The whole situation caught me off guard.  I'm not too sure what to think or do at this point.  The other situation about attraction that got to me this week was with my wife.  Same story, different day.  I was home one night this week and she came walking through the house naked.  Now most husbands would give their soul to the devil for an opportunity like that.  Me on the other hand, I had to bite my tongue.  I realized I continue to not be physically attracted to my wife.  I really wanted her to put some clothes on.  There is an art to being attractive.  Some people are Picasso and others can't paint by numbers.  

WTF Moment - I'm Older Than I Look

For some reason, I have been given the gift of a youthful appearance.  Even though I celebrated my 37th birthday a couple of weeks ago, I could still pass for a teenager in the right clothes.  With that in mind, below is an exchange I had with a customer at my store last week.  An older lady approached me while I was stocking shelves and this is what she said:

Her:  How your little young self get to be a manager?
Me:  How old do you think I am?
Her:  You can't be no more than 19
Me:  Mam, I have a teenager at home myself
Her:  (Puzzled look on face) How old are you?
Me:  I turned 37 last week. 
Her:  37? You don't look like you past 19!
Me:  Thanks.  It's a gift and a curse.

She is not the first person to question my age and I am sure she won't be the last. 

Seeing is Believing

My wife decided to go to her hometown this past weekend to visit her grandmother in the hospital.  While she was there, someone took a picture of my wife standing next to the hospital bed.  My wife showed me the picture and asked, "is that how you see me?"  I looked at her and responded "Is that what you see when you look in the mirror?"  I guess seeing the picture of herself next to her tiny, frail grandmother struck a nerve.  Maybe now she sees what everyone else has been viewing for so long. 

Play Your Position

In every successful organization, each member knows how to play their assigned position.  Whether you are talking sports, a Fortune 500 company or your local grocer, people are most successful when individuals have clearly defined roles and goals.  But what happens when a role is not clearly defined?  What happens when someone is not happy playing their position and tries to do someone else's job?  You start having problems which can ultimately lead to failure.  I think I have finally hit that failure point with one of my friends.  I thought I had a clear understanding of my role in her life.  Tonight showed me that I was completely wrong about what she expects out of me.  Oh well.  Back to the bench I go until I learn to play my position.

Late Bday Gift(s) from Mom

So my birthday passed this past Wednesday and as I stated in my previous post, it was lack luster at best.  Well, today made up for it.  I got up this morning and traveled to my home town to get my mother.  We were supposed to go shopping for a prom dress for my oldest daughter.  We hit the mall and were able to find a dress she liked as well as some shoes.  Then it was time to splurge on me.  My mother took me to the local home depot and told me to pick out a new mower to replace the one that was stolen last summer.  How's that for a gift?  I was complaining about getting lawn equipment for my birthday previously and now I am thrilled as hell to receive it.  Isn't life funny?  One thing about mom, she always knows how to put a smile on my face. 

Birthday 2014 - A Day of Blahs

I don't make a big deal out of my birthday most of the time.  I think I was hoping for a little more this year because of what I have been dealing with for the past couple of months.  Today actually played out like any other day of year.  I woke up to discover that my middle child had missed the bus.  After dropping her at school, I came home and waited until it was time to take my youngest to school to register for kindergarten.  After registration, I dropped her at daycare and returned home.  I received a call from my mortgage company wanting an update on when they would receive a payment.  I picked my daughter up from daycare, ate lunch and went to work.  That's it.  I received Happy Bday wishes from my in-laws and 3 friends via text.  Once again, people I thought would call or text me didn't.  I guess I should realize I am not as important as I think I am.  Oh well. 

May Be Time to Search for Another Job

Anybody that truly knows me will tell you that I am not a quitter.  I'm the type of person who sees things through to the bitter end.  I'm the captain who goes down with the ship.  At least, that's how I used to be.  I just can't seem to wrap my abilities around this new job.  Every time I think I am making progress something else screwy happens.  And the truly sad part is, it's hard to find help.  I hate being in situations where my role is that of a leader but I am actually skilled like a subordinate.  After the disastrous day I had today, I am truly thinking about jumping back on the job hunt to see what else is out there.  This shit just ain't for me.

Have to eat my own words

I've been going back and forth for the last couple of days about actually doing this post.  Maybe it's the fact that one of my best friends just moved away.  Maybe it's the fact that my birthday is just over 24 hours away and I am not looking forward to it.  Maybe it's everything.  Maybe it's nothing.  Maybe it's a combination of things.  Who knows?  Let's just get on with this. 

A couple of years ago I fell in love with a woman other than my wife.  For those of you reading and thinking "that's terrible. he should be ashamed of himself," let me take a moment to say "feel free to stop reading at any time."  I truly enjoyed being around this young lady.  There was something about her that drew me in like a moth to a flame.  I wanted to know everything about her - the good, the bad and everything in between.  When we first met, she had lots of walls up due to trust issues.  I was able to break those walls down and so her what it was like to be in love.  It wasn't planned.  It just happened.  Unfortunately, we couldn't be together based on my situation.  Even with that in mind, I told her that I would always be there for her and love her until she met someone else that treated her as well as I did and made her feel safe no matter what.  Fast forward to the present.  She has moved away and met someone.  She told me he is able to provide her with all the things she needs to be happy.  I am happy for her but at the same time I'm feeling some kind of way.  I guess it's because we spent so much time together when she was here.  I can't listen to the radio, drive down the road, smell a sweet perfume, look at flowers, or even sit in my room at home without something reminding me of her.  I haven't talked to her in over a month.  I guess I was hoping that "out of sight, out of mind" would take affect but such is not the case.  I was listening to the radio today and "Let Her Go" by Passenger came on.  I never really paid attention to the lyrics until today.  The song really touched me.  I let her go like I promised I would.  So I have to such this shit up, eat my own words and let her love someone else. 

WTF Moment - Dentist Needed

Working in a drug store gives the opportunity to see all types of people.  This past Friday a young lady walked into the store.  She was wearing some pink shorts, pink Nike's and a tank top.  She asked where she could find KY jelly.  My cashier informed her it was located in the back by the pharmacy.  The young lady looked a little confused.  I told her that I had to walk back there anyway so I would further assist.  We got to the back of the store.  She wanted a small bottle of KY.  Unfortunately, we were sold out (apparently a lot of people in that part of time need lubrication.)  I suggested she get the store brand because it was the same thing just a different name.  She asked "is it a gel?"  I turned to look at her to respond and was completely caught off guard.  All of her front teeth were black and damaged.  She was obviously a drug addict.  Her teeth looked like she had been trying to chew concrete.  I quickly composed myself and told her the store brand was a gel also.  That young lady was in serious need of a dentist.  Actually, she probably needed to see a cosmetic surgery specialist. 

Money Management

My wife received a letter in the mail last week stating she needed a representative payee before she could receive her past due benefits.  We went to the local social security office to get more information.  After waiting for an hour, we finally got a chance to talk to someone.  Basically it looks like I will have to manage her money since she has a history of overspending.  The office worker asked for my bank routing and checking number so I presume the money will be direct deposited into my account.  Hopefully we are one step closer to her receiving some type of income so our house can get back to being stable.  If she thinks I am going to give her any access to my account, she should think again.  In order for us to survive, her money has to be put to the proper use.  I can't take a chance on her mismanaging money again. 

WTF Moment - Hoodtastic

Friday I was at work at my new job.  I had to take the daily deposit to the bank and get some change for the weekend.  I'm not too sure if I have mentioned this in previous posts but the store I work in is located in a not so safe part of town.  Anyway, as I was returning from the bank I saw something that made me do a double take.  There was a guy pedaling a bike while carrying a car battery.  WTF?  Where the hell was the car that the battery came out of?  All I could do was shake my head and return to work.

Breaking Up the Band

I've been going back and forth about this post for the last couple of days.  I think I was hesitant to post it because I don't want to deal with an upcoming reality.  But whether I post it or not, I can't change what it going to happen.  One of my best friends received a job offer and will be moving out of state by next month.  I am truly happy for her because the job is something she wants to do and will allow her to be closer to her family.  It just saddens me a little that I will not be able to see her as much anymore.  I'm sure we will keep in touch via phone calls, text messages and email but there is truly nothing like face to face communication.  My other concern is that once she has moved, the communication will become less and less to the point of almost non-existent.  That's what happened with my other close friend.  We went from communicating daily to me not hearing from her in over a month.  (Partially my fault.  She told me she found someone so I opted to let her dedicate time to being with that person rather that bother her daily.)  I guess the band has finally broken up and it is time for us to go our separate ways. 

When Art Imitates Life

Most professional artists (musicians and comedians in particular) will tell you that the best material they produce is based on some aspect of their real life.  They may/may not change names but the events did happen.  With that in mind, it brings me back to my love of music. I was driving to work the other day and "Can't Raise a Man" started to play.  I thought about a close friend who is going through a situation with her husband and the lyrics really hit home.  Then I started thinking about how many songs have impacted me.  There are certain songs that as soon as the beat starts, I drift into thoughts of certain people and events.  It's true that art imitates life.  It's just up to us to recognize when it happens and to paint a perfect picture. 

Why Did I Get Married?

Earlier today I was on youtube and ran across various wedding dance videos.  Some were father/daughter dances and others were bridesmaids vs groomsmen.  All of them were funny.  While I was watching the videos, a thought entered my mind.  Why did I get married in the first place?  As I sit home alone, the question really strikes a nerve.  My daughters are on spring break this week.  Last weekend they went on a camping trip with their church.  (I had to invest $140 in flashlights, sleeping bags, gloves and gas for the van but it was worth the chance for my girls to have fun.)  Now they are at my mother-in-law's.  Granted I don't get to see them and spend time with them due to trying to work 2 jobs and provide the bare essentials.  It would have at least been nice to see them play in the yard or run around the house.  Oh well.  I guess this is that part of being married that falls under "for better or for worse."  It's better for them to spend time with the in-laws so my wife can enjoy herself.  Worse case scenario they spend the entire spring break here and my house look like the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. 

Time to Take My Own Advice - Definition of Insanity

I'm not too sure where or when I heard my favorite explanation for the definition of insanity.  I do know that it has stuck with me for some time now.  With that in mind, I think it is time that I do one thing most people have the hardest time doing.  I need to take my own advice.  Based on the definition of insanity that I love, doing the same thing over and over will ultimately lead to the same results.  Therefore, I must do things differently.  I'm going to stop trying to help those who refuse to help themselves.  And I am going to try my best to let go of some things that I desperately want to hold on to. 

Yearly Tradition

My birthday is just under a month away so I guess it is time for my yearly workout tradition even though there is truly no need.  In years past I would be sure to exercise in the weeks leading up to my birthday.  I was not exercising to make room for all the cake and ice cream that I would possibly consume.  I was getting in shape due to the "adult activities" which usually took place at my birthday parties with friends.  Our parties used to be for the grown and sexy.  Grown words were used and clothes came off.   Sometime during the course of the night (either by my own accord or after losing a bet) I would end up out of my shirt.  I'm a small framed guy with a fairly toned body.  Nothing like a bunch of females admiring the body you have to keep covered at work to stroke an ego.  Ah the good old days.  Anyway, there will obviously be no party this year but I still plan to be in shape for my birthday.

Do You Really Want Me?

Typical situation happened today with the wife.  Guess I'm just being extremely observant because this is not the first or last time.  This morning after the kids were gone to school and daycare, she stated she wanted to have sex.  I did my usual and said no.  I walked off.  I went back to the bedroom a few minutes to ask a question and she was back asleep.  Are you serious?  Why even ask for sex if you are sleepy?  I guess she was planning on sleeping after sex anyway like she usually does so not getting any just shortened the wait time for dream land.  My main point is this - do you really want me or am I just a convenience for you? 

I Will Always Be Me

Last week a former co-worker reached out to me because she was having problems with her laptop.  Now keep in mind I had not spoken to her since I was fired back in October 2013.  She brought the laptop to my new job because it is close to where she lives.  We talked for a few minutes and she said, "you haven't changed one bit.  you are still silly as ever."  She was absolutely correct.  I have not changed nor am I going to change.  I may adapt my behavior slightly depending on the surroundings but I will always remain true to who I am.  I don't turn off my sarcasm - I just tone it down when necessary.  I will always be me no matter what. 

Upcoming Birthday

I was just thinking about my upcoming birthday.  Based on my current work situation as well as my current stable of "friends," I'm not expecting very much.  I have joked during a few recent conversations about finally opening a bottle of Hornitas Tequila that was purchased for my birthday by some dear friends 2 years ago.  Then again, I will probably be so consumed with work that I will not be able to enjoy it.  I looked at my post from last year and realized my birthday was blah at best.  I guess I have reached a point in life where I don't care about my birthday and neither does anyone else. 

WTF Moment - So Not Sexy

Working in the drug store allows me the opportunity to see all types of people.  Young, old, small and large.  With that being said, a lady came in the other day and I had to try my hardest not to let my face show my disgust with what she was wearing.  She looked to be about 40-something.  She was wearing one of those velour jogging suits.  Problem one was that she had the jacket unzipped about 3/4ths of the way with a tshirt under it with no bra.  Ladies, if your nipples are touching your navel, a bra is a must have in your wardrobe.  Problem two - she turned to walk away and all I saw was ass crack.  So not sexy.  Not even in the least.

I Can't Want It More Than You

I want a lot of things for people in my life.  However, I am constantly being reminded that I can't want it more than the actual person.  Example.  I have a female friend who is not happy in her marriage and has not been for a long time.  I have offered advice and told her what I would do.
I suggested she at least separate from her husband for a little while because being in the same house is not productive for either of them.  I even helped her start searching for somewhere else to live.  She even got an offer from her parents to move in with them until she can re-establish herself.  But guess what?  She is still in the same situation.  I can't want it more than she wants it herself.  Another example.  My wife's weight.  We had talked about this many times and nothing has changed.  She still looks like she is pregnant.  If her medication is the problem, then she should investigate/discuss alternatives.  I refuse to believe her weight gain is solely due to medicine.  If so, the FDA would outlaw the drug.  Laziness is just as big a factor as medication.  But I can't exercise for her.  I purchased yet another Nintendo Wii in hopes of her working out.  No go.  It is collecting dust in a corner.  Oh well.  I tried.

WTF Moment - What is that smell?

I was at work at my pizza delivery job the other night and a strange scent hit my nose.  It was slightly sweet and slightly smoky. It put me in the mind of some type of incense being burned.  After a few moments of racking my brain, I figured out what the odor was.  One of my female drivers was wearing some type of light perfume which had a flower-like fragrance.  This same female driver is a smoker and had apparently been puffing while she was out of the store.  Mystery solved.  Perfume plus cigarette smoke equal a hot mess.

Am I Becoming Shallow?

I have often joked with my friends about the fact that I can "manufacture a pretty bitch."  I don't say that meaning disrespect towards females.  If you are a female reading this and feel offended... tough shit.  This is my blog and I will say what I want.  I talk about manufacturing a pretty girl because with all the garments you can purchase (push bras, spanx, etc), makeup/fake hair and surgery, I could easily take a not so attractive girl and turn her into a beauty queen.   But all that physical change won't change her personality.  She will still be the same person just with a different look.  I said all that because I have once again started to wonder about my wife's physical appearance.  I truly have a hard time looking at her and being attracted.  She claims some of her medication is to blame for the weight gain.  I feel it is a combination of eating and not exercising.  She looks like she is about 8 months pregnant.  You always hear people joke about fantasizing about someone else during sex.  I'm here to tell you, that's no joke.  I just wonder am I being shallow by not being attracted to her after all these years.  Naw.  I'm just being real and being myself.  

Workaholic

Since taking my new job a couple of weeks ago, I have been reminded of what it means to be a workaholic.  I have not had an entire day off since 2/10/2014.  I have been at one or both jobs every day.  The way I see it, I will have to request time off from both jobs to have an entire day off.  Oh well.  I'm used to having to work hard to get what I want.  I just hope that all this hard work pays off. 

Why I Hate Asking for Help from public assistance agencies

Considering the fact that I lost my job last October, I feel fortunate to be in the shape I am in.  With that said, I hate trying to ask for help from agencies who seem to give needy people the runaround and reward those who don't need it.  Example.  I reached out to an organization within my state for assistance with my mortgage payments.  Part of the paperwork requested a paycheck stub.  My mortgage is $770 per month.  My paychecks for last month totaled $900.  So let's do the math.  $900 minus $770 is $130.  How in the world can I pay all my utilities with $130?  So obviously I need help.  After submitting all the required paperwork, I was told the agency is behind and it would be 6-8 weeks before I heard anything.  In 6-8 weeks I could be on the streets.  I'm working and trying to provide for my family but can't get help.  Now let some deadbeat who isn't working and is not looking for a job apply and they get all the help they need.  Sometimes I hate asking for help. 

Still Can't Get Ahead

I thought that after cashing out my 401K and getting my tax refund, I would finally be ahead of the game.  Such is not the case.  I'm still in the game but we are tied.  I am current on most of my important bills.  I still have a ton of medical expenses to deal with based on the surgeries my wife and I had last year.  Additionally, I had to cough up $700 last week for repairs to my wife's vehicle.  I had planned on using that money to pay off my little store charge card and one of the medical bills.  I'm hoping this new job will provide the boost I need to get ahead or remain even.  With that being said, it goes back to my previous post.  I hope I can hold on to this job.  Otherwise, I will be back in the same financial hell I have been dealing with for months. 

Looking out for Others

While I was at my new job on Friday, I received a phone call from a company I applied for in January.  The lady asked if I was still interested in working for them in the business office.  I explained to her that I had already taken another job.  I then told her about a former co-worker who was looking for a job.  I said the person had the same qualifications as me and would be a great fit.  I asked if I could have my co-worker call about the position or if she was willing to reach out to my co-worker.  The representative asked for my co-worker's name and number.  She immediately called and told her to apply online so her application could be pulled. I spoke to my co-worker a few minutes later and let her know what was going on.  Needless to say, my co-worker was thrilled at the potential position.  Hopefully I made the right decision trying to look out for others rather than looking into the position myself. 

New Job May not be the Right Fit

I've been at my new job for 2 weeks and I am unsure if it is the right fit for me.  During my interviews, I thought I made it clear to the management staff that I was employed elsewhere.  I did tell them I would make the new job my primary job but I thought it was understood I would still be working my other job.  Last Monday I posted the schedule for my old job on the board to let my new manager know the days I would be unavailable.  When I returned on Wednesday, he had responded to the schedule by writing "This will not work.  This is not what we agreed to."  First of all, I would have preferred a phone call rather than a written response that I would see days later.  (I replied back on the paper saying call me asap to discuss.)  Secondly, I have not head from him since that time.  If fact, I have tried to contact him several times over the last 2 days but been unsuccessful. (I have actually only seen him once since I started 2 weeks ago.) I am trying my best to like this new job but I refuse to choose the new job over a company I have been with over 14 years.  Hopefully, I will be able to speak to my new manager and reach a sensible resolution.  If not, it's back to searching for a second job. 

Spending Time with Friends

I have not been able to spend time hanging out with friends like in the past due to schedule conflicts and lack of funds.  Luckily, fate smiled on me for a brief second and I was able to just chill this past Wednesday.  I met up with 2 of my former co-workers on Wednesday evening after work.  We went to Mexican restaurant and had a ball.  My only complaint about the time we spent together was that the conversation mostly revolved around my old employer.  I personally do not care what goes on there currently.  Friends that work there know how to get in touch with me but as far as the day to day operations (hiring/firing) I could care less.   After dinner I dropped one friend off and continued to hang out with the other.  Around midnight, she decided she wanted to travel to a adult novelty store about an hour away.  I didn't have to be at work in the morning so I decided to ride with her.  We got there a little after 1am.  We didn't leave until 430am.  The sales person was very knowledgeable and hilarious with all the stories about crazy customers.  All in all it was a good night.  I wish I could do that more often.  I really miss spending time with my true friends. 

New Job, Old Health Problems

I was really excited about starting my new job.  This was a chance to make some more money and start getting things back to how they used to be.  Problem with the new job is that I am falling back into some of my old habits which cause problems with my health.  The first thing I noticed is that based on staffing, I have not taken a lunch in 2 weeks.  Things have not been too bad in that aspect due me working in a drug store so I have access to snack food.  Problem is that if I go too long without eating anything, I run the risk of having a low sugar episode.  Nobody wants to see that.  The second concern is my eating.  I have eaten more fast food in the last 2 weeks than I consumed in a month prior to landing this job.  It's all about convenience and timing.  I don't have the luxury of going home in between jobs any more so it seems easier to grab a burger.  But man cannot live off fast food alone.  I need something with vitamins and nutrients.  I am really going to have to look at what I can do to take care of my health before it becomes a major issue. 

Sink or Swim Time

I wasn't expecting to be given so much responsibility so quickly at my new job.  I have only been there 4 days and I am tasked with opening the store by myself on Valentine's Day.  Granted it is a drug store and I have not witnessed a lot of traffic this week, I am still a little nervous about opening the store when I have not completed all of my training.  I'm not too sure this is being done because the manager wants to test me or if he really has no choice due to limited staff.  What I do know is that it's sink or swim time and I don't have a life jacket.

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

I try my best to make my own impressions of people.  I hear what others say about someone but I don't really listen.  I let a person's action or lack thereof show me their character.  With that in mind, I am wondering what the hell I have gotten myself into with this new job.  I started working on Monday and the manager expects me to open the store by myself on Friday.  What the hell?  I haven't been there an entire week yet.  I don't know all the procedures.  Tomorrow is day four and no one has taken the time to show me how to open either one of the safes.  It will be impossible to open a store if I don't have access to the money.  I don't know where the bank is located.  I don't have keys to open the store nor do I know the alarm code.  Hopefully I can get all this information tomorrow.  Otherwise Friday is going to be a complete clusterfuck. 

Getting Back on my Grind

I finally was able to secure a second job.  Today was my first day.  I learned a lot but I am still far from being able to handle all the responsibility of the position.  I was a little concerned about having to work both jobs back to back today because I have not done so since October.  Thank goodness my fast food job was slow tonight.  It gave me a chance to relax and plan how I should handle working two jobs.  The good news now is that I have 2 jobs.  Problem is that with me being in a leadership role in both places, my hours will have to be cut at the fast food place until I get established at the new job.  Hopefully everything will work out. 

How Losing My Job has Changed Me

Let me start this post off by saying, I do still have "A" job.  But, it is important to know that prior to my release in October 2013, I had worked 2 jobs since December 2007.  Now on with the post.  Today was one of those days when I really looked at myself and noticed how much I have changed and fallen off (as the expression goes) since my release.  First of all, when I was working 2 jobs, I used to get up every morning at 4:30am (that is if I got any sleep the night before).  I would dress for work with a button down, tie and slacks.  Brush my teeth, wash up and put on some type of body spray or cologne.  I used to get complimented on how nice I smelled often.  Nowadays, if I don't have to take my child to daycare or school, I usually start get functioning until 8am or later.  My wardrobe?  Windpants and a tshirt.  I couldn't tell you the last time I used body spray or cologne.  I've walked around the house all day snacking.  My old job was on the third floor of the building.  I took the stairs to help keep in shape.  These days?  Exercise does not happen.  I tried to start exercising daily a couple of times but just didn't continue.  Losing my job has impacted me in a couple of negative ways but it has not broken me.

Never Thought It Would Be Like This

Never in my worst nightmares did I think I would be where I am in life right now.  I thought I had a good grasp on life and had taken the proper measures to keep me out of trouble.  Guess I was very wrong.  I never thought I would receive a call from my 8yr old's teacher requesting that we remove her from the gifted program because her regular grades were poor.  I never thought I would have to consider bouncing a check to try and pay for a doctor visit for my youngest daughter.  I never thought I would have to not get my prescription filled because I can't afford the medicine.  I never thought that I would have body damage on my car 4 months later with no idea of when it may be repaired.  I never thought I would have to walk around my house all day in a coat because the central heat unit was out and I could not afford to get it repaired.  I never thought it would be like this but I guess those thoughts are now a harsh reality. 

Everything Happens for a Reason

Everything in life happens for a reason.  The reason may not be immediately apparent.  It may be days, weeks, months or years later.  In some cases, the reason may never be revealed to a person during his/her lifetime.  But everything happens for a reason.  

WTF - Do I look Like I am Gaining Weight?

One of the perks of working at a pizza establishment is that the employees get to eat any leftovers or mistakes.  With that in mind comes this WTF moment.  We have a female driver who ALWAYS partakes of the mistakes and leftovers.  I don't care what topic is on the pizza, she will eat it.  The other night when I was cashing her out for the night she asked me if she looked like she had gained weight since she started working there.  I told her no.  WTF?  If you eat pizza every day you work, and you work 4 or more days a week, chances are you are going to gain weight unless you do some major working out.  Plus, I don't even look at her like that.  I like the perfume she wears but as far as physical attraction, it's just not there. 

Why I Sometimes Hate Dealing with the Public

Any person who has any job where they have to deal with the public on a daily basis will tell you that there are certain situations with certain people which could potentially bring out the most evil part of you.  Take for example what happened to me last week.  Customer A placed an order and picked it up.  Friend A called back stating the food was not prepared to Customer A's satisfaction.  I offered to replace the meal.  Friend A said no.  I offered to provide a free meal in the future for Customer A - the catch was she had to ask for me specifically.  Friend A said no.  (Ok. Let's pause for a moment.  Why am I talking to Friend A and not Customer A?)  Back to the story.  At this point I asked Friend A how would she like to resolve the issue because I had offered my best options.  Friend A states Customer A will come get the replacement order.  Friend A comes in the restaurant, takes the new order and returns 1/4 of the original order.  WTF?  I thought you didn't like how the first order was prepared.  To make matters worse, Friend A, not Customer A called our corporate complaint number about the food.  So now I have got my manager's boss on his ass and mine about something I had already taken care of.  It's customers like Friend A that make you want to do bodily harm to a person.

Job Hunt Continues

My hunt for a second job continues and things looked up for a moment.  I had multiple interviews with a couple of companies for supervisor roles but no actual job offers.  Things are starting to get beyond tight financially.  Using my 401k to pay the past due on the mortgage and my truck helped but still have to put food on the table and pay lights, gas and water.  I'm hoping that something comes through soon. 

I'm Gonna Do What I Want to Do

This post is about the latest problem with my wife's insecurity.  Friday, one of my best female friends asked me to go with her to run a few errands.  I told my wife that exact thing, "I am going to run errands with blah."  She just looked at me and continued her conversation on the phone.  I drove to the friend's apartment and we took her car for errands.  I had to go to work so she brought me to my house to grab my work clothes before returning to her apartment to get my vehicle.  While at work that night I received a text from my wife stating to wake her up so we could talk.  When I got home that night I was greeted by my sister in law's dog which I did not know was spending the weekend with us.  Since my aggravation level had just gone up, I opted not to wake my wife.  Saturday morning I received a call from my mother asking what was going on.  Hold up!  Why are you calling my mother about a problem you have with me? Anyway, I assured my mother that I would deal with the situation.  So when my wife returned from taking her sister's dog to the groomer, she walked up to me and stated she was upset about me running errands with my friend but she realized I was going to do what I wanted to do so there was no need in being pissed off.  Ok. Why did it take you so long to come to that conclusion?  If I make it til June, we will be married 10 years.  If you don't know me by now, you may want to start with someone new.

Since My Last Post

A lot has happened to me since my last post.  Some good, some bad and as always some funny.  I'll document what I remember and charge the rest to the game.  The posts will come in no particular order other than how my mind chooses to link them together.

WTF - Titty Sweat

Building off of my previous post, now I want to talk about something else the wife said yesterday which came as a shock.  We had been working in the yard for a while.  Although it was a little windy, the temperature was very nice.  Apparently the temperature was a little warmer than I thought because my wife announced she had "titty sweat."  WTF?  Really?  With your 3 daughters within 10 feet of you, you state you have titty sweat?  I told her that if she was wearing a bra, she might not have that problem.  This is when it got worse.  My wife asks our oldest daughter if she was wearing a bra and if she was sweating around her titties.  WTF?? I don't know what is to be said about that situation.  

WTF - I'm Itching

Sometimes people say and do things that can only be responded to by saying "What the fuck?"  Yesterday provided several of these moments.  The girls, my wife and myself were working in the backyard bagging up leaves.  During the process my wife decides to let everyone know that she was itching.  WTF?  Itching?  First of all, you are from the Delta region on Mississippi where they keep pet mosquitoes.  I know you are not itching from being in the backyard bagging leaves.  Secondly, I have seen you on more than one occasion walk through this backyard barefoot.  So I know you are not talking about itching now. 

Judgement Day Arrives

Today was the day for my wife's hearing for her disability claim.  We had to meet with her lawyer at 730am before going to the location for the hearing.  While at his office we covered what he was going to tell the judge and what my wife should and should not say to help prove her case.  While we were reviewing the information, I hoped my wife could hold herself together to get through having to recount her battles with bipolar/depression/suicidal thoughts.  We rode with the lawyer to the building for the hearing.  When we arrived we were told it would be about 30 minutes before we could see the judge.  After a short time, my wife was called.  I accompanied her and the lawyer to the hearing room.  We walked, got seating and her case began.  Then it ended just as quickly.  The judge explained that based on the information he had in front of him and with assistance from a doctor who explained conditions and medications, he did not need to hear any further testimony.  The judge said he could make a ruling based on the evidence alone.  So that's it.  My wife has completed her fight for her disability claim.  Now it's just a matter of waiting to see how much her fight was worth. 

WTF Moment - Who Wears the Pants in the Family

I came home from work today and was going through the mail when my wife approached me about something that happened to her today.  She explained to me that she had taken a shower earlier in the day and decided to put on a pair of my boxers because they were laying on the dresser.  Let me rephrase that - she tried to put on a pair of my boxers.  Now in days gone past my wife could wear some of my clothes because I used to wear loose fitting garments and she was a little bit smaller. In present day - that ain't happening.  The difference in our sizes has widened (no pun intended) so much that she explained she could not get the boxer above her thighs.  WTF?!! Guess her test today proves who wears the pants in the family since she can no longer fit into mine.

Judgement Day

Well the day is almost here when my world will be changed forever.  After nearly 2 years of not working, my wife's court date has finally arrived.  A lot of things have crossed my mind about this situation and the possible outcomes.  If she does win the case and is awarded disability, will it be enough to actually make an impact on our financial situation?  If she does not win the case, will she be willing to actually look for a job?  Most importantly, if she does not win the case, what will her mental state be like?  Will she be able to cope or will she have another breakdown?  The answers are only a couple of days away. 

Destroying my future to deal with the present

I had to take a desperate move to take care of most of my financial debts.  I had hoped that I would have found another job by now but no such luck.  In order to catch up on the mortgage and my truck note as well as some other bills, I cashed out my 401k from my last full time job.  Good news is that I was able to clear $8000 after the initial tax penalties.  Bad news is that I owed $6000 just for the truck and the mortgage.  Add $450 for daycare, $300 for a trip to the local Sams Club to buy stuff (paper plates and cleaning supplies) in bulk while we had money and you can see how to blow 8g's in a couple of days.  So now my present is ok for the moment but my future looks bleak because I don't have anything saved for retirement.  

Medicine, No Chaser

This is just a piece of friendly advice I want to offer based on my experience today.  You know those warning labels on medicine that suggest you don't consume alcohol while taking them?  You might want to pay those a little more attention in the future.  I am battling a cold and decided to take some daytime cold and flu relief.  In order to speed up my recovery, I decided to take a shot of vodka to help with the congestion.  BAD MOVE!  That was one of the nastiest combinations I have ever tasted.  So please heed my warning.  If you are taking over the counter or prescription cold medication, do not chase it with vodka. 

Out with the old, In with the old

Seems like 2014 is starting off like how 2013 went for me.  My wife decided to go to her mother's house with our kids last weekend.  They returned today.  In the four days she was gone, my wife managed to beak her glasses, get a crack in the windshield of the van and lose one of her rigid gas permeable contacts.  Not bad for a couple days out of town. 

I Love a Woman in Heels

I was at work tonight when a former employee sent me a text asking for something to eat.  She said she would stop by on her way home from work.  Since leaving the fast food business she managed to land a job at a local car rental company.  She is actually one of the managers there.  I included this information because she has to dress professionally.  She arrived at the restaurant and I motioned for her to come to the back while I finished her order.  She came through the door and OMG!  She looked amazing.  She was wearing some heels with stockings, a knee-length skirt and a striped top.  Like I said in the title of this post, I love a woman in heels.  BUT it has to be the right heel on the right woman.  It has to be a heel that accentuates a well-toned leg.  Otherwise, it's just a pair of shoes.  Tonight's encounter made me think of another former co-worker from my other job.  She also always looked stunning in heels.  So stunning that I asked her to send me a pic of her just her legs in heels - that's how in love with that on her I was.  I must say it one more time.  I love a woman in heels.  

Know When to Throw in the Towel

I am a very determined person.  Some people call it being stubborn.  I like proving people wrong when they say I can't accomplish a goal that I know is well within my capabilities.  With that being said, I have been working on a situation for a friend.  The goal can be easily accomplished by my standards - it's just a matter of the friend agreeing to the situation.  Said friend refuses to do so.  Said friend wants to bend the rules of the agreement.  I have tried reluctantly to explain this is an all or nothing situation - the rules cannot be changed to achieve the desired goal.  At this point, after months of trying to help, I am ready to throw in the towel.  You can't help someone who does not want to be helped.

Inspiration

I'm usually a fairly self motivated person.  Anything I want/need to do usually gets done.  Recently, however I have drawn inspiration from people I work with.  A couple of guys I work with have been talking about going to the gym a lot recently.  One guy in particular goes almost daily.  He puts in anywhere from 5-8 hours at a fast food restaurant and then goes to the gym for about an hour.  Now I am not dedicated enough to my health to join a gym.  I am however aware that I need to tone up and build some endurance because working only one job for the last 2.5 months has made me lazy.  So I've decided to work out about 30 minutes per day at home.  I already had some dumbbells.  I purchased a pair of weighted gloves this weekend.  I have a few workout apps installed on my S4.  To top it all off I still have my 45 workout mix playlist with everything from Bon Jovi to Enimem to Drowning Pool.  I plan on sticking to working out properly this time no matter what.

Fairly Merry Christmas

Christmas 2013 went better than I anticipated.  My kids opened their gifts from me and the wife last Saturday (12/21/13).  I know 12/21 is technically not Christmas but I got tired of the wife and kids asking about gifts. Plus is you want to be religiously technical, Christmas is not about giving gifts. Anyway, on Christmas Day we drove to my mom's house so the girls could get their other gifts.  I spent the day setting up mom's tablet on her wireless network and installing games/antivirus on her laptop.  The kids were happy with their gifts which was the biggest thing.  No major calamities.  Guess I can say Christmas 2013 was a success.

Pay What You Owe

A friend of mine has really been there for me throughout all my latest financial woes.  She's the kind of person who is willing to lend me money knowing that she may never see it again.  Well after the loss of my job back in October, my running total was about $350.  Rather than stress over the money, she struck a deal for payback.  She was taking some online classes and really did not want to with writing the weekly essays and the term paper.  Solution - I wrote the essays and term paper in exchange for wiping out the debt I owed her.  Win-win situation because she ended up with an A in the class and I ended up paying what I owed.

Can Money Buy Happiness?

I've been asking myself this question a lot recently.  I guess it's because I still have not found a second job and things are getting really tight financially.  I opted to make sure my kids had a decent Christmas so now bills are showing up and I don't have the money to pay them all.  Ever since I lost my job I have been kind of blah about life.  At one point I thought to myself that money would answer my problems and cure my disposition.  Then I thought about the money situation more closely.  Money can't buy happiness.  It pays for contentment.  The richest people in the world (i'm thinking of celebrities and athletes) aren't always happy.  Even with all their money, ever move they make is analyzed and scrutinized.  I don't need that stress. I also thought about what makes me happy.  Things that make me happy like a hug/kiss from a loved one don't cost money.  So I guess I have the answer to my question.  Money can buy many things but happiness is priceless.

A Picture is Worth 1000 Words

We have all heard the expression "A picture is worth 1000 words."  We say this because so much can be captured in the moment a photo is snapped.  Whether it's the joy on a child's face opening a gift or the heartache of an athlete losing a match, pictures tell a story in every frame.  A friend of mine sent me a picture yesterday.  It was a picture of her new hairdo.  The fact that she took the time to send me the pic spoke volumes by itself.  Then there was everything about the picture.  She was smiling as only she can.  She was radiant and glowing as she showed off her new do.  She was happy.  And she chose to share that happiness with me.  The picture told me that she loved me enough to include me in her happy moment.  A picture is truly worth a 1000 words.  Especially when the first three words are "I Love You."

Crossing Paths part 2

Seems that the past couple of weeks have been filled with opportunities to cross paths with my former co-workers.  I ran across a former supervisor from the old job at my local Target.  He informed me that he was in charge of the one here and in another city.  Later that same day, I ran into a former agent at the local Lowe's.  She stated that another former supervisor was also employed there now.  Tuesday, when I had my last interview I ran into a former manager from the old job.  Amazing how life sees fit to let you cross paths with certain people at certain times. 

Crossing Paths

I always tell people that I don't burn bridges because you never know when you will need someone in the future.  Now I may not keep the bridge in tip-top shape but I keep it repairable at the least.  With that being said, I had a chance encounter this morning at the grocery store. I had just dropped my youngest off at daycare and decided to grab some items to make breakfast.  As I was walking into the store, I ran into one the ladies from the HR department at my old job.  Now I have lived in the same place for the last 5 years and this is the first time I have ever seen her in this store.  We spoke and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing ok.  She gave me the look of "You say you are ok and I want to tell you something but I will hold my tongue."  We wished each other happy holidays and went our separate ways.  Funny how fate chooses when are where chance encounters occur. 

WTF - You Busy?

In this day and age of social media and advanced technology, people have lost the art of general conversation.  Everything is text speak and acronyms as we hurry about our day.  I was at work the other day and I received a text message from the nephew.  As usual, I am going to give the exchange word for word so you can see the level of craziness I truly deal with.

Him:  U busy?
Me:  Yes. At work. What Up?
Him:  I'm in some shit unk
Me:  Now what?
Him:  I see my po on Tuesday In I dnt get payed tell Friday in what been going. On with this ppl up at the po office she wnt let me pay it later
Me:  I can't help you.  Struggling to pay my own bills as is
Him:  Even if u get it back on Friday
Me: No

(Ok.  For those of you reading who are not up on the legal system in our country, PO stands for parole officer.  He was asking for money to pay the PO the monthly fee.) 

WTF?  Are you serious?  Why would I lend you money when you have borrowed money from me SINCE you moved out of my house in July and not repaid?  Do I look like an ATM?  I usually don't wish ill will towards others but I truly feel jail may be the best place for this young man.

Ten Days Since Last Post

It's been a week and a half since my last post.  I have to say, I've been going through some things during the time. I went from battling the "common" cold if there is such a thing to trying to home medicate myself back from blood glucose levels off the meter.  I had to miss work twice last week due to my illness.  I'm better now though so hopefully things can get back to some level of normal. 

Feeling Under The Weather

The weather in my area has been flip-flopping for the last couple of weeks.  Yesterday it was 70 degrees and now it is damn near 30.  So of course, somehow i have managed to pick up a sore throat and a slightly runny nose.  I took some over the counter medicine prior to going to work.  I just took a night time dose upon returning home for the day.  It might not be advisable to chase this cold medicine with vodka but I need something to get this flavor out of my mouth.  I hope whatever is ailing me comes and goes quickly.  I can't afford to be sick. 

Breaking Point and an Ultimatum

Everybody reaches their breaking point at some time in their life.  There comes a situation where a person gets tired of being stepped on and decides to buck the system.  I reached my breaking point yesterday.  I returned home from a short time out with former co-workers.  Upon my return, I scanned my house and was instantly pissed off.  There was a plate of cut up cheese on the stove which had been sitting out so long it had turned hard.  The rest of the block of cheese was discovered in my oldest's room.  There were 4 cups in the living and a nice spill of the soda I had purchased earlier.  My four year old was standing next to the bed in the main bedroom watching some movie on Lifetime Movie Network while my wife was asleep. That was the last straw.  I talked to my wife today and told her exactly how I felt.  I told her I was tired of asking/begging/screaming at her to change but nothing happens.  I asked her if she had considered what she was going to do if her case does not go through and she does not receive benefits from her termination.  She just looked at me.  I explained to her that I would stay here until income tax time.  I reminded her that she did not work in 2013 so any refund we receive is technically mine.  I let her know that if she has not done a complete change by that time, I'm gone.  She didn't say anything.  She just gave me the same "whatever" look as always. 

Bah Humbug

I think the reduction in my income and the lack of interaction with co-workers has really gotten to me over the last few months.  October thru December is usually when I do some of my best work.  Whether I am planning an awesome Halloween Bash, coming up with a great gift for a November lady or decking the halls with laughter and presents for Christmas, the last 3 months of the year are usually when I excel.  This year has not been the case.  No Halloween Bash happened for a variety of reasons.  I have not accompanied my youngest on any of her field trips (I let the wife take over that duty).  Lack of funds led to me only giving out ecards for my November birthdays.  I took down the Christmas decorations for my wife and kids.  I chose not to decorate a tree and told the wife I would not be hanging lights this year.  I'm in a real nonchalant mood about the holidays.  My attitude has truly gone from Happy Holidays to Bah Humbug. 

Two months later

It's been 2 months since I lost my full time job.  Thank goodness for severance packages.  I've been able to maintain things at home for the most part but there were some sacrifices.  We had to pull my two youngest out of ballet because it was not in the budget.  They didn't really mind because between their mother not wanting to take them to practice and the girls not wanting to go to practice, sometimes it seemed like a waste of money anyway.  Now things are about to get crucial around here.  Everybody wants money and my income was cut by 66%.  I've been trying to find another job but nothing has come through yet.  At this point, 2 months later, I don't know how much longer we can survive like this. 

WTF Moment - Common Sense

I was at work last night and overheard a conversation between two guys.  I just shook my head and laughed to myself at the lack of common sense.

Two guys are looking at an episode on Duck Dynasty on the television.

guy 1:  You ever watch this show?
guy 2:  Duck Dynasty?  not really.  caught a few minutes here and there but I don't watch it.
guy 1:  I don't really watch it either but I saw part of an episode and the house they stay in is huge.
guy 2:  yea.  I think they are famous for wrestling alligators or some shit like that
guy 1:  Really?  I thought it was called Duck Dynasty because they invented some type of duck call.
guy 2:  That would make sense.

WTF?!! Where in the da hell did you come up with the idea that a show called Duck Dynasty was based on some alligator wrestlers?  Common sense is not always applied to everyday conversation.   

Good News, Bad News

The good news is that I am going to get a new cell phone.  The bad news is that I have to replace my old phone because it took a 2hour bath in a puddle of water.

The good news is that I got the opportunity to deliver pizzas on Monday and make some decent tips.  The bad news is that my account is $150 overdrawn and tips can't make up for that.

The good news is that I finally have a Thanksgiving Day off.  The bad news is that my family is out of town and I am off because I lost my job.

There are 2 sides to every story.  The side you see depends on your perspective. 

What I am Thankful For

Like a lot of people at this time of year, I have really been thinking about what I am thankful for.  I'm going to share some of these thoughts with you but keep in mind this is not an all-inclusive list. 

I'm thankful for the life I have. 
I'm thankful for all the good and bad times because they made me who I am.
I'm thankful for that bastard that got my mother pregnant. I wouldn't be here if not for him.
I'm thankful for true friends - those ride or die people who always have my back.
I'm thankful for my mother - nuff said.
I'm thankful for my old family - they taught me about hard work.
I'm thankful for my new family - my daughters give me a reason to always work hard.
I'm thankful for my old manager - I should have paid more attention to the details of the picture she kept painting rather than just admiring the colors
I'm thankful for my current manager - although we butt heads, we can agree to disagree and get the job done
I'm thankful for a special someone - I think about her everyday because she touched my heart in a way no one else ever has or ever will.

Thanksgiving 2013

Thanksgiving 2013 is just minutes away.  I get to spend this Thanksgiving by myself.  Well, I have my dog here but that is it.  The wife and kids are at her mother's house with an expected return date of Friday.  For the past week I had been telling coworkers that I was going to go the the local Waffle House for Thanksgiving and grab food for me and the dog.  Kinda hard to do that when your account is overdrawn so I am going with plan B.  I found some steaks in the freezer.  I am going to toss a couple of strips of the indoor grill and call it a day.  Thanksgiving 2013 won't be spent with family and friends.  Then again, I never really spend holiday time with family and friends because usually I am work.  Oh well. Funny how life goes sometimes. 

Twenty-three and 3

  The nephew welcomed baby number 3 into the world on Tuesday.  I was talking to some of my co-workers about his situation and I told them how sorry I am for the child.  This is his 3rd child.  This is his 3rd baby mama.  He has a high school education.  He has a felony (sex offender) charge on his record.  No college. He currently works at a fast food restaurant.  That is not the type of situation you want to bring a child into. 

Visit with the Psychologist - Daddy Issues

During yesterday's session, the doctor decided to address my comment about having daddy issues.  She tried to refer back to my test results to back up her claim that I indeed had daddy issues.  First of all, if the test had revealed those results, you would have addressed it sooner than now.  We discussed the person I call my sperm donor since I do not consider him to be my father.  I explained that even though I was an only child, I had enough positive male role models to keep me going.  She asked what I knew about my father and I told her nothing.  I told her that the one time I laid eyes on him I was about 6-7 yrs old and did not know who he was because he did not introduce himself to me as my parent.  He was simply a friend of the family. I wouldn't know him today if he stood in front of me.  I continued to explain the only other time I have ever spoken to the man was after my accident years ago.  I told the doctor the conversation was not pleasant for him because I had no love for him and know desire to get to know him.  Even if my family did not want him around when I was little, once I was out of the house/grown/taking care of myself, he could have reached out to me.  I basically summed up my feelings to the doctor by saying, "you can't miss what you never had."  The doctor tried to stick to her train of thought and told me I should try to talk to my family about my daddy to see what happened and if there is any chance of him being in my girls' lives.  I had to bite my tongue before I said "hell no." 

You Remind Me of Someone

I find myself surrounded by constant reminders of a very close friend who moved away earlier this year.  I'm not sure if it is because I am missing her more these days or if I just purposely set myself up like this when she was living here.  Everywhere I look, something reminds me of her. 

The rug in my room - it used to belong to her
The picture of the tiger she gave me - feels like her watchful eyes are always checking on me
My roses - I remember all the times I would go pick her up and have one waiting in the cup holder for her so she would have a reason to smile
My truck - she is one of two other people who know the keyless entry code.  If she ever needed my vehicle, she didn't even have to ask.  She could just get in and go.
The moon - The full moon was this past Sunday.  I remember spending nights with her just looking at it
Burger King - I remember picking up an order with extra ketchup many times for her
Waffle House - we sat and laughed with friends here often
Blankets - I have several blankets she gave to me upon her move.  I wrap myself in them as I think about her.

The list goes on.  Our history shapes who we are.  Luckily I have so much to remind me of my wonderful recent past.   

Changing Season Brings Fond Memories

My area of the world experienced some colder than normal temperatures this week. It was so cold that the fall garden I was waiting to harvest as well as some flowers which were holding on for dear life died.  Oh well, thus is the way of nature.  The cold weather also brought back some very pleasant memories.  I was driving home the other night and put my hands up to the vents to try and warm them up.  I started thinking about my routine for visiting someone I loved very much.  When she lived here, I would make it a point to go and see her.  Knowing that she would be nice enough to give me a hug upon my arrival, I made it a point to try and warm up as much as possible.  I would literally drive with one hand and hold the other in front of the vent to gain warmth.  I repeated the process until I arrived at her home.  Those were the kind of hugs which let you know you were truly loved.  The kind of hugs where you never want to let go.  On some lucky nights, I would fall asleep with her in my arms.  Some of the best sleep in my life.  I really miss her. Good thing is that I have many great memories to remind me of her.

Be Careful What You Ask For

I told my wife this evening I was about to leave the house to go run a few errands.  She asked if she could go.  Big mistake.  If I did not invite you nor did I ask if you needed anything back, that should have clued you in that I really did not want to have anything to do with you during this excursion.  I told her she was welcome to ride with me.  The trip consisted of going to a friend's apartment to drop something off, pick up some food and drop the food off at another location inside the friend's car.  I guess it may help to tell you that I have a copy of the apartment key and the car key and the friend is female.  So once we return home, the wife decides to play 20 questions.  Be careful what you ask for.  She asked about the keys and I said the friend gave them to me earlier in the day to take care of the errand.  She called me a liar stating the keys had been in my truck for some time.  In order for you to know the keys were in MY truck in the center console out of plain sight, that means you have been snooping. At this point I got pissed. I told my wife it didn't matter what I said to her at this point because she already had in her mind what she thought was going on with my and the young lady.  She walked off and said we would talk about it later because I was mad.  Be careful what you ask for.  The truth might not be what you really want. 

Visits with the Psychologist - Hours 7 & 8

I failed to blog about what happened in therapy last week.  Good news is that it basically led into this week's session.  The last 2 hours with my counselor have been about me and this repressed anger I have.  She said I tend to ignore problems rather than voice my true feelings, especially when it comes to my wife.  She also stated that she felt I was codependent.  I was supposed to look up codependency and report back to her this week.  I looked up the condition and realized it could apply to me in some instances.  I also realized that this doctor is basing her information about what I am telling her.  As I have told many of my family and friends, I will never be an open book and spill everything to a medical professional.  All the craziness in my mind is not appropriate for public knowledge.  I had actually told the doctor I would be unable to continue seeing her due to my current financial situation.  She said she was willing to work with my on the payments.  That's nice - I guess.  I agree with one of my friends said.  The doctor is intrigued by me and how I cope.  She is really trying to break down my walls and get to know the real me.  Lots of luck with that.  I'm 36 years old and the walls I built are hella sturdy.  You can't break them down.  A couple of people have managed to get my assistance in climbing over the wall to get to the real me but that's a whole 'nother story.