A Change for a Black Sheep

The title of this post holds a double meaning.  For the first time in over 10 years I attended church service.  Now don't get me wrong, church is fine for those who had the time and desire to attend on a regular basis.  Unfortunately the last few years have not been kind enough to grant me such things.  Considering I am still unable to work due to my recent surgery, I thought today would be a good day to finally check out the Mormon church service.  This is where the Black Sheep part of the title comes in.  I dressed myself in a black dress shirt, tie and khakis to attend the service.  Little did I know that it was customary for the men of the church to wear white dress shirts.  So I stuck out like a black sheep.  No big deal.  The members of the church were understanding and accepting.  Two members of the church gave testimonials today.  They both talked about change - the other part of the title.  As they discussed changes they made in their lives and how change was important, I thought about recent changes for me.  I thought about where I currently am in life and where I want to be.  I'm really thinking I need to make some changes in my life to be happy.  The changes will not be easy but they will be necessary.  I guess it really may be time for this black sheep to shed his coat and try on something new.

Rubbing Salt In a Wound

Anyone who has ever watched the "Lethal Weapon" series should immediately get the title reference.  This is how I felt yesterday.  I had a training session scheduled at work.  The session was scheduled months ago.  Since it was only supposed to last 3 hours I figured I could endure the pain and come home.  I mentioned to my wife on Tuesday night that I planned on going.  Keep that part in mind as you continue to read.  So yesterday I got up and got dressed.  I told my wife to wish me luck and took the 10 minute drive.  Once I arrived at the building, I went to speak to my boss to let her know my recovery was going well.  I did not receive a warm reception.   It seems my wife had phoned my boss and told her my intentions.  My boss read me the riot act and told me to leave.  WTF?  I don't know at that point if I was more upset with my boss for not being happy to see I was doing ok or at my wife for taking the bitch way out of handling the situation.   So I'm basically stuck at the house for a month.  Talk about rubbing salt in a wound.  How am I supposed to heal when no one wants to let me try and regain my strength?

Karma or Coincidence

I've been thinking about what happened to me last week and I have started to question if the situation was karma or coincidence.  Last week along with my regular weekly check I earned a small bonus from the company for not using all of my sick days during the year.  I had planned for the extra money to cover my girls school needs as well as some funds for me to do something nice for myself.  My surgery happened at just the right time to ruin those plans because now the extra money I would have had must be used to cover what I won't be making because I am off work for a month.  So is it just a coincidence that I got sick right when I had some extra dollars coming my way?  Or did karma see fit to prevent me from spending money on something I may regret later?  Who knows?

Cell Phone Hostage

As I discussed in the last couple of posts, I had surgery last Wednesday.  Good news is that it happened on my day off.  Bad news is that that my wife decided to hold my cell phone hostage until Friday.  I was supposed to be at work Thursday morning.  Obviously that was not going to happen.  I was unable to alert me boss to my absence because, guess what?  I didn't have my damn cell phone.  My wife asked for the number to my manager so she could talk to her.  Guess what?  I don't have the number memorized!  I need my cell phone to get the number for you.  After two days of foolishness and not giving me my phone, she brings it to the hospital without the charger.  Are you fucking serious?  Really?  I know she thought she was doing what was in my best interest but in actuality she was only succeeding in pissing me off.  I still can't figure out why she wanted to keep my cell phone hostage for 2 days.

Strange Bedfellows

During my stay at the hospital, I had a lot of random, weird thoughts and dreams.  Most were interrupted by someone needing to check my vitals or give me some medication.  Part of one of the dreams really stuck out to me and I wanted to make sure I talked about it on the blog.  In this dream, I was on the beach somewhere.  Apparently there was some sort of carnival or festival going on because there were lots of people, food distributors and games.  As I was walking along, I came across a group of females dressed in similar but not identical outfits.  They were getting ready for some type of contest.  I recognized one of the ladies as one of my agents from work.  She is slightly older than my average agent but she does her job just the same.  As I approached her in the dream, she pulled her top off revealing her bare breasts.  Needless to say I was shocked.  She looked at me and said, "These young girls can't compete with these breasts! Go ahead, touch them!"  I told her to put her shirt back on cause she was in public.  I also told her, jokingly, that if she played her cards right, I would play with them later.  The dream faded to black and the next scene was me and the agent in bed together.  We were still fully clothed but things were getting heated.  It was at this point when I woke from the dream.  I'm not too sure what led to the dream.  I have never looked at or thought about this agent in a physical way.  Maybe it was the medicine they were giving me at the hospital.  Who knows?  I just know that dream had some strange bedfellows.

No Pain No Gain

I shocked some of the hospital staff during my 5 day visit with them last week.  Immediately after my surgery, one of the nurses asked if I needed any pain medication.  I told her no and that my current pain level was tolerable.  She said ok and reminded me that I had some medication ordered if I needed it.  I never needed it.  Every nurse that came in the room asked the same question and got the same response.  One of the nurses stated to me she had seen guys twice my size have less invasive surgeries than my procedure and they would demand pain meds.  Sorry.  I'm not like most guys.  I figured the fastest road to recovery was to work through the pain rather than try to mask it with drugs.  No pain, no gain.

Liquid Diet

After my surgery, I could not have any food until my stomach had a few days to heal.  I was on IV fluids until they upgraded me to solid foods.  Anybody that knows me, knows the last thing I need is a liquid diet.  I weigh about 120 pounds at my heaviest.  So imagine my surprise when the doctor had me on IV fluids and chicken broth for 4 for the 5 days I spent in the hospital last week.  I joked with some of my co-workers and told them I was going to disappear due to lack of nutrients. On the other side of the coin, I was never so happy to get a piece of bland, unseasoned, baked hospital chicken as I was on Sunday.  It was the first piece of real food I had been given since I was admitted.  And it was delicious.

Stomach Ache = Surgery

Last Wednesday was the first day of school for my 2 oldest kids.  I made sure I was awake early cause the 8yr old had to catch the bus at 630am.  I noticed a pain in my abdomen at the time but didn't think too much of it.  I figured it was due to the bag of jellybeans I ate before laying down for the night.  After my other child was off to school, I tried to go about my Wednesday as I typically would but the pain would not go away.  I kept thinking it was gas or constipation.  I went to the bathroom and that brought no relief.  By Wednesday afternoon, I found myself laying on the couch in pain.  I ended up going to the ER cause none of the local clinics were immediately available.  Once at the ER, the doctor came into the exam room, said some long-winded doctor-like phrase that didn't mean shit to me and told me that he wanted to run a CT scan on me.  While waiting on the CT scan, I started vomiting.  Nothing like puking your guts out to make medical professionals put some pep in their step.  After the scan, the doctor told me I needed surgery immediately.  Apparently I had developed a hole in my bowel and my intestine decided to go through the hole.  The intestine was actually trapped in the hole and was being cut off to the point it was turning colors.  The doctor told my wife in 25 years on medicine, he had never seen anything like it.  Guess I was lucky he knew what to do to fix my stomach ache.  

The Past 7 Days

It's been one week since my last post.  Now at one point in time, this would be the normal time frame of me procrastinating before trying to cram a week's worth of my life into a few quick posts.  This time however, the delay was caused by something a little more than a lack of enthusiasm.  I've been in the hospital and am now stuck at home recovering.  I'll detail the what and why in the next next posts as well as talk about things that cross your mind when you are facing pain and the unknown.  It's been an interesting 7 days.

It's Not Always About You

One of my friends gave me a shirt that says "I Don't Know What I Would Do Without You but I Bet It's Awesome."  I was wearing the shirt one day last week and the wife happened to look at it.  Her response was "What's that supposed to mean?  You got problem with me?"  I replied back to her, "Who said the shirt was even talking about you?  You ASSUMED it was about you and just made an ass of yourself in the process."  I need her to understand my world does not revolve around her.

It's Hard in the Real World part 2

The nephew contacted me again this weekend asking for money.  Being a convicted felon, he has to see a parole officer and pay a fee once a month.  Well it is time to see the parole officer and he does not have the funds to cover the fee.  Hell, he does not even have the gas money to drive to the police station.  I don't know what is going to happen to him but I cannot help him.  If not paying this parole fee doesn't land him in jail, the unpaid ticket he has will.  That letter arrived last week stating if he did not appear in court next month, a warrant would be issued for his arrest.  It's hard in the real world.

It's Hard in the Real World

The nephew has quickly discovered that the real world is a lot harder than it appears to be when you are not ready to handle it on your own.  He has been out of the house 3 weeks.  During that time, he has contacted my on occasion for gas money.  He has also received letters in the mail about his bank account being overdrawn, car note not paid, a traffic ticket and various medical bills.  He's learning real fast that it hard in the real world.  I tried to teach him what he needed to survive but he neglected my lessons. Oh well.

WTF - Songs about Cheating

I was home on Wednesday doing my usual cleaning.  I was working on folding clothes in my room when the wife decided to come in and talk to me.  I usually listen to music while working at home to help pass the time.  I don't remember what song was playing.  The wife made the comment "Why is it that most of the songs you listen to are about cheating?"  I just looked at her.  WTF?  What in the blue hell are you talking about?  Most of what I listen to is old R&B.  Baby-making music as some like to call it.  Now every now and then I will listen to something about infidelity but not all the time.  More importantly, it's just music.  It's not how I live my life.  I need her to stop being so paranoid.

WTF Moment - Saddlebags

I had to work the day shift at my fast food job on Tuesday.  While I was there,  a woman walked in with her 2 kids.  She did not appear to be very old - maybe late 30s or early 40s.  She walked up to the counter to place her order and I noticed her outfit.  She was wearing sandals, capris and a spaghetti strap top.  The top was low cut.  Now let me remind you that I am a man and dammit I'm going to take full advantage of any opportunity to observe the beauty of a female.  I was truly disappointed.  This ladies's breasts looked like 2 saddlebags - flat and lifeless.  WTF?  Why do you come out the house trying to show off your nonexistent titties?  Next time wear a tshirt and a padded bra.  Yes, I know I am wrong for that statement but guess what?  This is my blog.  These are my thoughts and opinions.  If you don't like, feel free to stop reading.

Death All Around

There has been a lot of death around me in the last couple of weeks.  I found out a week ago that one of my former managers, a lady in her late 30s died.  My wife learned this week that her uncle died.  While speaking with my mother I was informed one of my uncle's sisters had died.  They say death comes in three's.  Hopefully it has completed the cycle for the time being.

WTF - Do you see what I see?

I was driving down the road the other day and saw something utterly hilarious to me.  There was a Honda Civic driving on its spare tire.  This Honda Civic was towing a trailor with a riding lawnmower on it.  WTF?  The mower was about the same size as the car.  What would have happened if the car broke down?  Was the driver going to hop on the mower and ride home?  SMH.

WTF - Why are you here?

The nephew told me Friday that my sisters-in-law had met up with him and taken his copy of the house key.  I didn't think too much of it at the time.  When I came home from work Friday night, guess who was at my house?  Both my younger sisters-in-law.  WTF?!  Who da hell invited you to come to my house?  My wife was out of town so no one was there when they arrived.  Apparently they initially planned on spending the night but changed their minds at the last minute.  I just love how my home is a damn hotel where I don't get paid by my guests.

Don't Miss a Good Thing Til It's Gone

This might be mean and petty of me but the nephew is truly missing how good he had it while he was living with me.  He has called me twice this week asking to borrow money for gas.  Both times I politely declined.  How do you expect to be able to take care of yourself and a family when you can't even get to work?  All that time he was living here for free and should have been saving has caught up with him.

The "What If" Game

I am not a big fan of the "what if" game.  I feel the events that have happened in our lives are what make us who we are.  If it didn't happen, it was not meant to be a factor in our development.  But every now and then, just for laughs or to really make me focus, I play the "what if" game.  Below are some of the what if questions I asked myself today.  They are completely random so please don't try to find a pattern or a common link.

What if this quiet, nerdy little guy had not caught the eye of my now wife at that summer camp almost 20 years ago?  Where would I be?  Who would I be with, if anyone?

What if I actively pursued the one that got away from my childhood days?  We were the best of friends and knew everything about each other.  Her family liked me.  Her kiss was exquisite.  The one sexual encounter we had was on the couch in her college apartment when she agreed to let me go down on her.  The look on her face once I finished is still burned in my mind.  What could have come out of that possible relationship?

What if I had gotten a divorce after my infidelity six years ago?  Where would I be working?  Who would I be with?  Would I still be a father of three?  Who would my wife be with?

What if I had opted for a divorce after my wife was diagnosed with depression and ruled unable to work?  Where would my kids and I be right now?  Would my wife be a prisoner in some state mental hospital?  Would her family have stepped up to care for her in her condition?

What if I divorced my wife after all the drama we have been through and pursued a relationship with the woman who stole my heart a few years ago?  She embodies everything I look for in a mate - smart, witty, good-looking and willing to do what it takes to survive.  What if the other woman had not been involved with someone else at the time?  Would she and I be an ideal couple?

What if my co worker had accepted my offer for the trip with all the stipulations?  Would I have been able to go through with it?  Or would my conscience have kicked in and stopped me in my tracks?  Would she have enjoyed it and wanted more?

That's the problem with the what if game.  A lot of thoughts run through your mind.  Unfortunately for me, none of those questions will ever be answered.

Over Confident

One of the traits people associate with me is confidence.  I'm confident in my skill set and I am up for any challenge.  That confidence is also a curse.  Confidence has led me to say and do things without worrying about the consequences.  Case in point - recently I made (which in hindsight seems like a foolish idea), an offer to a co worker to take her on an overnight trip and cover all the expenses.  She had to tell me yes our no by the end of our work day.  Her response was she wanted to think about it more.  The next day the confidence in me caused a problem.  I told her I knew she wanted to go but was trying to figure out how to escape one of the stipulations of the trip.  I went on to tell her not to worry about it and the offer was null/void.  Confidence made me ruin a chance to show someone a good time because they needs longer to ponder the deal.  Being over confident can be a curse.