Time and Distance

I had a not-so-pleasant conversation with one of my co-workers last week.  It was not a complete disaster but the Aries came out of me and I let all the truth come out my mouth.  Since that time, I have tried to distance myself from that person.  Normally, I would not do such a thing but right now I feel like I need to step back, observe, re-evaluate the situation and approach it from a different angle. Due to the holiday this week and both of us taking time off last week, minimal contact/interaction has been accomplished.  I just have to decide if this person is a reason, a season or a lifetime so I can deal with them appropriately.  Hopefully I have had enough time to select the distance I want to be from this person.

WTF Moment - Another Houseguest

Yesterday I received a phone call from my manager about a mandatory meeting.  (Amazing how mandatory things for both my jobs always occur when I'm not supposed to be at work.)  When I returned home from the meeting my wife informed me that her niece was coming to spend the night.  WTF?  You didn't ask if it was okay with me?  We don't live in a mansion or a hotel.  We stay in a 3 bedroom house.  The nephew and his girlfriend sleep in one room.  My two oldest sleep in a room and my wife sleeps in the main bedroom with  the youngest.  I sleep on the couch. I'm guessing the niece slept in the room with the nephew since they are brother and sister but I imagine that was awkward as fuck.  Maybe not since the niece is a lesbian.  Regardless, I just don't understand why my home has become a parking garage and a hotel for her family every time they are in the area.

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

I recently shared my interpretation of "A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime" with one of my female co-workers. I told her about how I felt people fit into your lives and how their positions could change passed on the events taking place around us.  Obviously, she asked where she fit in my life.  I told her at this point, I think she is a season.  I think she is there to get me through my current work situation.  (I did not share this part with her.  I really think that if either of us transition to another job, our season will be over.)  I feel I am a reason in her life.  I feel my specific purpose in her life is to get her through this job and the bump she is having with her marriage.  Once those two goals are accomplished, I'll vanish off into the sunset.  I was also thinking about a former close friend of mine who I thought was in my life for a lifetime.  I guess I judged that one wrong.  It seems she was there for a season and now the leaves of change have sent us on on separate ways.  Thus is the way of life.  People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  You have to judge them well.  

Doctor's Visit

I went to see my diabetic doctor on Monday.  There was a new nutrition expert there so we discussed my eating habits (or the lack thereof) as well as exercise and how I manage my extreme glucose levels.  The doctor came in and her eyes were as big as half dollars when she looked at my readings from last week.  Almost every time I tested my glucose last week, it was low.  Last Thursday I bottomed out several times throughout the day.  She asked if I thought my insulin settings were correct.  I told her yes and that stress from work was contributing to my lows.  She said stress usually has the opposite affect on people.  I reminded her that I am the exception to most rules of the diabetic game plan.  We agreed that I should reduce my insulin intake while at both jobs.  She also stated I should test more often at work.  I'm hoping last week's situation was an isolated event.  If I have another day like last Thursday when I end up eating 2 full tubes of glucose tablets just to get through a single day at my full time job, I am taking time off to pursue other options.  I can't afford for a job to stress me to the point of putting my health at risk.  

Return From Vacation

Prior to my wife and kids returning from their beach vacation, I tried to make sure the house was clean.  I swept and mopped the kitchen.  I cleaned the glass kitchen table.  I washed all the dishes.  I cleaned and organized the living room.  I washed all the clothes and folded them.  Today, with them back, things are back to normal.  I have cups throughout my living room and kitchen in various places.  There are dishes in the sink.  Dirty clothes are in the wash room on the floor and in the washer.  There is a load of dry clothes in the dryer from a couple of days ago.  Granted I missed my family, I didn't miss the mess they make when they are here.

Guess the Gas Evaporated

I normally cut my grass on my off days from my full time job which are Tuesday and Wednesday.  Last week, I went to the store and purchased about 2 gallons of gas for the mower.  My usual routine is to top off before I start, cut about half the yard, top off again and finish the other half.  For those wondering, I have a Poulan push mower.  I added that piece of information for this post to make a little more sense.  Fast forward to this week.  I went outside yesterday to cut the grass.  I went to my gas can to top off what was in the mower.  The can was empty.  I scratched my head for a minute trying to remember if I purchased gas last week because if so, then there should have been some remaining.  I remember getting gas because the store was in the process of lowering the price when I was there.  I didn't kill any ant beds with gas because I have some actual fire ant powder.  My weed eater is now electric and I did not use the blower.  Therefore, I should have had some gas remaining.  I called the nephew to ask if he knew what happened to the gas in the can because I remember him asking for gas money last week.  He told me he didn't know anything about it.  So I guess the gas just evaporated from the can and I am just plain stupid.

Conversation with the Nephew

Last Thursday I was home trying to relax. I was actually laying on my couch playing Angry Birds Star Wars on my cell phone.  The nephew comes in and decides he wants to ask me a few questions.  I guess over the years of being around me, he has not learned that you should not disturb my relaxation with foolishness.  He asked me if I thought he made bad decisions.  My response was a quick, "Yep."  His follow up question was  if I thought he would be in jail or dead if he was not living with us.  He received a second "yep."  Then he turned that corner.  He asked why I felt that way.  I politely stopped my game and lit into his ass.  I explained to him that he had no follow through.  I explained he was not wise with his money even though my wife and I both tried to tell him how to prepare for his future.  I reminded him that, as the old saying goes he does not have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.  His only worldly possessions are his clothes and his car.  He has no money saved and has baby number 3 due in November.  I explained to him he had to stop doing what he wanted to do and start doing what he had to do.  I reminded him that come November, I need him, his girlfriend and his newborn out of my house.  By the time our conversation ended he was in tears.  Oh well.  Don't ask the question if you don't really want the answer.

When You Genuinely Care

I was talking to a friend yesterday about how much I care about her and her well being.  I think the following statement summed everything up fairly well.  "I have cared for you since you joined my team years ago.  The strength of my caring has increased exponentially as our relationship has grown."

I Think My Job is Slowly Killing Me

Often times we hear people use the exaggerated expression "This job is killing me."  Other times, the statement is true.  People who work in high risk fields put their lives on the line to provide for themselves and their family.  My job is not high risk but it is very high stress.  That has become more and more evident recently.  Today was a great example of why this job may put me in an early grave.  I went in to work 2 hours early hoping to get some stuff done.  When I arrived at work, my blood sugar was over 200.  No big deal.  Take some insulin and keep it pushing.  Once people started to arrive and my day got started, I could feel myself getting sick.  When I checked my sugar, it was 40.  I had just purchased a tube of glucose tablets from the store so I quickly swallowed 8 of them.  I started to feel better.  My day continued and so did the stress.  A few hours later when I should have been going to lunch, I was stuck at my desk because my peers were MIA.  I checked my sugar again.  This time it was 50.  Luckily I had another tube of glucose tablets.  So during my normal shift plus 2 hours minus a lunch, I managed to damn near bottom out twice.  No job should be that stressful.  No job should put you to the point you risk your life due to stress.  Days like this make finding something else seem like a great idea.

Open mouth, Insert Foot

As an Aries, I usually pride myself on being blunt and direct.  I don't sugarcoat or give the politically correct version of what I am saying.  I give the unedited and uncensored version.  Every now and then, for the sake of someone who I know can't take me at my realest, I will tune back my nature a bit.  This was not the case this evening.  I had something I needed to tell a friend that I knew was going to cause a problem.  I had been holding on the information waiting for the best time to deliver the message.  Well, I delivered the news and now I am not too sure it was such a good idea.  I usually don't dwell on things like this but something is not sitting right with me right now.  Not too sure why but fee like I just opened my mouth and inserted my whole foot.

Memories Back Then

There is currently a song out featuring T.I., B.o.B and Kendrick Lamar called "Memories Back Then."  Every time I hear the song, I start thinking about my past.  I'm usually the type of person that lives in the moment and plans on the future although it's not promised.  Unfortunately, my current life status makes the future look dismal at times.  I prefer to think back to yesteryear. Back to when I was in grade school when my only concern was getting good grades and getting toys.  Back to high school where, even though I wasn't one of the cool kids with the rich parents and the big house, I still fit in and held my own.  Back to the last few years of my life which were changed forever by a very special person to me.  I know people say you have to let the past go and move on.  I just refuse to let go of the wonderful memories I have from back then.

How I Spent My Anniversary

To piggyback off my last post, I'm going to share how I spent my anniversary.  I had put in a request to be off last Saturday morning and was approved.  Unfortunately a project came up on last Friday which had to be completed by today.  To ensure I would be able to complete the project, my plan was to go in for a short time on Saturday and get most of the hard work done leaving just a few loose ends for today.  WRONG!  I ended up spending my entire day at work on Saturday.  The good news is that I had already spent time with my wife earlier in the week (we went to the movies) so she was not completely heartbroken.  Bad news is that I spent the entire day dealing with lazy, stupid people who were wasting my time.  Not exactly how I planned to spend my anniversary.  I guess once again, I am my own worst enemy.

Nine Years

This past Saturday marked my 9 year wedding anniversary.  I can't believe I am still married to this woman.  Especially after all we have been through.  Despite my cheating and her depression/suicide attempts, we have  managed to stay together.  At times I am thankful for her.  At other times, I think I would be much better off without her.  For now, fate seems to think we need each other.  We'll see if this relationship survives another 9 years or if it just fizzles away to nothing.

Time for a Change

I pride myself on being loyal to companies.  I've had the same car insurance and cell phone provider for over a decade.  I worked my first job at a grocery store in high school and even returned during holidays and summers through college.  I have been with my current part time company for over 12 years and (if i can hang on) will be with my current full time employer 6 years in August.  I'm really starting to wonder if I am going to make it to the 6 year mark.  The dynamic of my job is changing and I am not liking the current vibe. My company continues to be reactive rather than proactive.  Everybody wants to point fingers but no one wants to claim responsibility for the problems we have and offer logical solutions.  It seems like we keep putting bandages on a deep cut rather than stitching the wound and giving it the proper time to heal.  I'm at the point where days like yesterday make me question how much I like my job.  I think it may be time to start seriously looking for other options.  I know it is impossible to be productive at a place I am unhappy.  It may be time to change my scenery so I can see a brighter future.

WTF Moment - You Want a Puppy?

I haven't posted one of these in a while so I felt this would be a great one to talk about.  Wednesday night I was at my computer goofing off, watching videos on youtube.  The nephew's girlfriend was in the next room talking on the phone.  Apparently she suffers from a condition where she has talked on cell phones too long. She was speaking to the person so loudly, I could almost make out the entire conversation.  The part I did pick up on raised my concern because she was inquiring about a puppy - a pit to be exact.  I didn't say anything to her because I was not sure of the details as to when she planned on getting the dog and where it would be kept.  So yesterday at work I received a text message from her asking if she could get a puppy.  She said she would be responsible for taking care of it.  WTF?  Chick are you serious?  You can barely take care of yourself and you want to take care of a dog?  You are 4 months pregnant and barely working.  How are you going to afford food and medical care for this animal?  You dragged your feet trying to sign up for government assistance to help get you through this pregnancy.  And a motherfucking pit?  Bitch please!  There is no way in the hell you bringing that type of dog to my house around my daughters.  I'll end up killing the dog and you.  So no puppy for the girlfriend.

Love and Attraction

What do you do when you are no longer attracted to a person you are supposed to love?  I throw this out because I think I have reached that point with my wife.  We are days away from our 9yr wedding anniversary.  If I had it to do over again, I would have stayed single.  My wife and I were at the house one day last week and I was changing clothes for work  She stared at me like a lion stares at an injured gazelle.  I just shook my head.  Last week she asked me, "Do you get as excited when I undress?"  I told her she didn't want to know my answer to that question.  My wife has gained some weight over the years.  All of it seems to in her stomach.  Even though our youngest is 4, she still gets asked regularly if she pregnant.  I got her a gym membership to try and help her get in shape.  That is now a waste of $10 a month cause she has not seen the inside of the facility in forever.  This is really how bad the situation has gotten for me.  I came home last night from work and went to the bedroom to get some clothes.  My wife was laying on the bed completely naked and asleep.  Most men would have jumped at that opportunity, hoping for sex. I, on the other hand, looked at her, shook my head in disgust and proceeded to gather my clothes.  I'm wondering how much longer the relationship can last when the love and attraction has died on my side.

Support System

One of my co-workers went thru a serious situation with her husband last week.  Things became so intense, she came to me for advice.  Acting as part of her support system, I recommended she leave the house for a couple of days until the situation calmed down.  Her parents, acting as the main part of her support system, allowed her and the kids to stay with them over the weekend.  Due to this, the husband saw the err of his ways and changed his tune.  I used to think I had a great support system.  I say "used to" because while helping her this weekend, I realized my options for support have become somewhat limited.  I can still always go to family.  The other two main components of my old support system are no longer available.  One friend moved away to pursue a career in another city.  I haven't talked to the other friend in a month.  Good news is that I have not had any of those do or die crisis pop up recently.  My old support system is currently on life support. It may be time to start looking into alternative support options, if there are any out there that fit my strict criteria.  

Father's Day 2013

I've been hearing the words "Happy Father's Day" since I arrived at work this morning.  I've gotten a dozen text messages saying the same.  Right now, however, it's not a happy father's day to me.  First of all, my 3 children are 2 hours away at a family reunion with my wife's relatives.  It's not that I would have spent a lot of time with the girls today because I had to work but it would have been nice to at least see them.  As a matter of fact, they have not talked to me since they left Friday morning.  Add to my misery the fact that I come home to bullshit I have tried to prevent.  The nephew and his live-in girlfriend took it upon themselves to move the two tower fans I have for my living plus the wind tunnel floor model fan I purchased and put all of them in their bedroom.  To make things even more aggravating, they are both not here right now but left all the devices on.  That's ok.  I have a cure for that.  Every single fan in the house with the exception of the ceiling fans will be in my truck when I go to work.  I don't give a fuck if they both pass out from the heat.  I am tired of repeating myself to grown people.  I'll show them better than I can tell them.

Stop Begging

Yesterday morning prior to leaving for work, the nephew asked if he could borrow some money from me to be able to put gas in the car to transport himself and the girlfriend to and from work.  Knowing the importance of them both needing to make as much money as possible as the time before their baby is born winds down, I agreed to give him what I could.  I returned home from job one and got dressed for job 2.  I laid $20 for gas on the bed next to his sleeping carcass.  After I had been at work for about an hour, my cell phone rang.  It was a call coming from my house phone.  Knowing that my wife and kids were out of town and due to the fact we were busy at job 2, I did not answer.  A little while later the nephew showed up at my job asking if he could get some food for his girlfriend.  I politely told him no.  How both of you working, not paying any real bills and still begging for free food multiple times in a week?  I need him to learn to stop begging and work on being able to provide for him and his family.

Post Surgery Pics

Here are the pics of my surgery.  The pics show my leg prior to being cut open, my leg with the tumor in, my leg with the tumor removed and the actual tumor outside of my leg. 

Post Surgery Scars

I went to the doctor for my follow up appointment today.  The good news is that the tumor was benign.  She removed the wrap from my leg today so I am able to walk a little bit more like normal than before.  The surgery did leave a couple of scars.  One is located on the back of my knee where she removed the tumor.  The other scar is about 3 inches below the knee on my left calf where she went in and released the tension on the nerve caused by the tumor.  I've decided to include the scar pics in this post.  I will post pictures of the actual tumor when I get them from the surgeon.

Karma

I'm a firm believer in karma to the point I feel that if you put out good vibes you will receive good vibes in return.  I start this post off with that statement based on a recent conversation with my current fast food manager.  Prior to my current location, I worked at another restaurant for the same company but had to commute about 50 miles to work.  I was working overnight at my full time job at that time, so I was only able to work Friday, Saturday and Sunday closing the restaurant.  I didn't know it while I was employed at the old restaurant but the manager did not trust me.  She felt I was underhanded and stealing because it was not feasible to her that I would drive that much to work less than 20 hours a week.  The gas alone almost took half my paycheck.  What she failed to understand was that I keep commuting because I had worked part time for the company for years.  I wanted to make sure I kept my ties to the company close in case my situation changed and needed to move somewhere else and needed a job.  She shared her concerns with my current manager when I transferred from her store to my current job.  Fast forward to today.  My manager loves me.  He was able to get someone with years of experience on his staff that understands the ins and outs of our business.  He realizes my dedication to the job and understands I will not put my livelihood in jeopardy because I have a family to take care of.  My old manager?  He told me her store is chaotic.  She is unable to find any qualified managers and is constantly having to overwork herself because she is understaffed.  I may not have been the best in her eyes but I was a lot better than what she has dealt with in the years since I transferred.  You gotta love karma.

Letting Go

Letting go can be one of the hardest lessons to learn in life.  It is a truly tough pill to swallow.  Just have to keep telling myself, "if you love something, let it go.  If it's meant to be, that something will find it's way back to you."

No Idle Threats

The nephew came home last Thursday and I thought I caught the scent of something on him, possibly weed but was not for certain.  I let it go at the time and went about my business.  The next morning when my alarm woke me, I discovered I had to wait on him to vacate the bathroom so I could get ready for work.  I still had a strange feeling in my soul.  When he came out of the bathroom, I called to him and provided him with the following threat.  "I love you to death because you are my wife's family.  I don't know who it is that you are around or what it is that you may be doing, but my advice to you is to stop.  I have warned you before that if you bring any drama to my house around my girls I will put you out.  So this is your last reminder.  If you bring any bullshit to my house - anything or anyone that can harm my daughters - I will kill you without a second thought.  Am I clear?"  Caught like a deer in headlights, he could only nod his head in agreement.  I don't make idle threats when it comes to my children.  I will go to jail to protect them.  I'm sure he understands that.  If not, he will learn firsthand. 

One Week Past Surgery

Today is the 7 day mark since I had the tumor removed from my leg.  I see the doctor tomorrow for my follow up.  Hopefully she will have some information in regards to what exactly that thing was inside of my leg.  The last week has not come without its challenges.  The hardest thing I have encountered is the inability to bend my left knee.  I'm able to walk with no major problem but you really don't think about how much you do something as simple as bend your knee until you can't do it.  Getting into my truck has become a process involving sitting down with my legs still outside the vehicle and then swinging myself to the correct position.  The time it takes to walk up and down stairs has doubled because I can only step up with the right leg and then follow with the left leg on the same step rather than each foot take the next ascending step.  I never realized how much stuff we actually keep on the bottom shelf of my fast food job until this weekend when it was impossible for me to reach down and get it.  I'm happy the surgery was successful and look forward to continued recovery progress. 

When Things Don't Match

Everyday we run across things that don't seem to match or go together.  Whether it is an odd clothing ensemble or a vehicle and its owner, sometimes things don't appear as if they should be paired together.  Today I went to the store and observed what I deemed a mismatched vehicle/owner situation.  I drive a crossover utility vehicle.  I am about 5'7" so it seems to be a good fit for me.  I saw a lady at the store today who could not have been more than 5'3".  She was getting into the driver's seat of a Toyota Sequoia.  Just as the name implies, this is a huge vehicle.  She may as well have been climbing into the rig of a 18-wheeler.  For the life of me, I could not figure out why a young lady that small would need that much vehicle.  Guess it's just a case of when things don't match, at least in my eyes.

Recovery From Surgery

Recovery from my surgery has not gone quite as smooth as I hoped.  Today is the first day I have been able to go a complete 24 hours and not throw up.  It happened on the way home from surgery on Monday.  It happened in the wee hours of the morning on Tuesday.  It happened on Wednesday morning (although I think this time was due to extremely high blood sugar).  As far as the pain in my leg goes, it has not been too bad.  I am actually able to move around pretty good without crutches if I take my time.  Tomorrow will be the true test of how much I have recovered since I will be returning to work.  Hopefully, the pain will not arise and I can make it through the day.  Should I encounter more pain than I feel I can tolerate, I have some prescription pain killers to help.  We'll see what happens. 

Surgery was a success

Yesterday's surgery was completed with no problems.  The doctor was able to go in and remove the tumor from the nerve in my leg.  Now I just have to give it time to heal.  I'm thankful she was able to complete the removal.  As I sit here right now trying to enter this blog, the pain has increased significantly since yesterday.  Guess that means the leg is really starting to come back to life and is trying to heal. 

When You're Gone

They buried my deceased co-worker this past Saturday.  The funeral home allowed friends and family to view the body on Friday.  I went to see him and to pay my last respects.  Another co-worker went with me to "provide support" as she put it, in case I couldn't bear the sight of him in the casket.  I told her I would be very brief.  I walked in, looked at the body and commented about him looking a little bigger than I last remember.  I also talked about his yellow shirt and tie.  Dressed to the nines as I always remember him.  I said I know he has moved on to a better place and I took my leave.  It's still hard to believe he's gone.  I heard somewhere in the past a man's worth can be measured by the length of the line at his funeral procession. Based on the signatures in his guestbook when I saw the body, my friend was worth gold to a lot of people. 

Countdown to Surgery

Today is the day.  I have to be at the hospital in 3 hours to get ready for my surgery.  I think I have covered all my bases this time.  My youngest will go to daycare so that she is under trusted adult supervision during the process.  The two older kids will remain at home.  I spent nearly $100 last night at the grocery store so they have plenty to eat and snack on while I am away.  I sent a mass text message to my friends reminding them that I will not have my phone until after the procedure is complete.  Now it's just a matter of getting dressed and getting to the hospital on time to get this over with.  A couple of my close friends have expressed their concern about the procedure over the last couple of days for various reasons.  I have assured all of them the process will go smooth and I will be back on my feet in no time.  I just hope I am not being over confident this time around. 

Pre-Op Visit

I went to the hospital today for my pre-op visit in preparation for my surgery on Monday.  I really like the idea of a pre-op visit.  I was able to get all of my insurance and payment information squared.  They got all the required information about my medical history.  The facility even went so far as to draw blood.  So Monday all I have to do is walk-in, get my ID bracelet, go to surgery and go home. 

Some Questions Shouldn't Be Asked

I was sitting at my computer today watching youtube and eating.  My wife came into the room and asked me a question.  She asked, "What can I do to be a better wife?"  My response was "I don't even know where to start."  I advised her to deter from that line of questioning because my answers were about to get real ugly.  It seems to me that after nearly 9 years of marriage, if you have to ask what you need to do to be a better spouse, then you have a lot of work to do.  After that amount of time, the relationship should be on cruise control.  If not, it may be time to change drivers.  Or worse yet, it may be time to change vehicles and start with something new.   

Doctor Appointment

Today's doctor appointment did not go as well as I had planned.  I found out today that my A1C was a 10.8 compared to the 8.8 back in March.  That means my blood sugar averaged about 50 points higher since March.  This news was doubly devastating because of all the low sugar episodes I experienced recently.  I know I went thru 4 tubes of glucose tablets last week.  The doctor commended me on some of my behaviors.  Problem is that I am not putting it all together.  If I remember to test my blood sugar, then I don't take insulin for the food I eat.  If I take insulin for my food, I don't bolus.  Have to start putting it all together.  I need to start getting this right because I can't afford for anything to go wrong. 

Memorial Day 2013

Wanted to drop a quick post about Memorial Day 2013 because I normally don't do too much on holidays.  I got up yesterday morning and ran to the store to grab some ice.  I had been grocery shopping several times over the weekend trying to get everything I would need to cook.  My game plan was to cook all the fish, chicken and steaks we bought from the discount meat man.  That way we would have leftovers to eat during the week and it would also free up some much needed freezer space.  I started cooking at around 10am.  I had sent text messages to about 6 people I work with inviting to come by and grab something.  I got a bunch of "ok" replies but no one actually showed up.  After cooking on a charcoal grill and a George Foreman grill about 4 hours, I had a refrigerator full of meat.  I took some to my part time job to share with the crew there.  Haven't heard any complaints so far.  All in all, it was not a bad day.

WTF Moment - What are you wearing?

At no point in time should I feel uncomfortable in my own house.  The house is my zone.  I came home Tuesday night after work and the nephew's girlfriend was in the living room on the couch watching TV.  I spoke and went about my business as usual.  A little while later, I went back to her so I could inform her about making sure the nephew put a copy of the updated car insurance in his vehicle.  It was at this point in time when I noticed what she was wearing.  She had on a pair of boxers and a tshirt with the sleeves and sides removed.  The shirt was basically like a cape covering her back and front.  What it didn't cover was the side view.  I had full view of her breast from the side.  What the fuck?  Who does that?  Yes, I am married and have 3 girls.  I just don't have the desire to see the titties of my nephew's girlfriend cause she is hot. 

Another Damn Ticket?

A letter came in the mail Wednesday for the nephew from the municipal court.  I always open what I consider to be important mail for him due to his reading handicap.  The letter stated he had a ticket which needed to be paid or he had to appear in court.  The amount of the ticket was over $600.  What the fuck?  What in the hell was he doing to get a $600 ticket.  That's his whole paycheck.  And there is no way in hell he can afford a ticket right now.  I hope the ticket is the one for the insurance and once he presents proof, it can be pulled.  If not, he is truly screwed.  Worse yet, if this ticket hits his record and my insurance goes up, he is as good as dropped. 

Lost Ones

I found out Monday one of my former co-workers passed away.  I am still unsure of all of the details.  Bottom line is he is gone.  I've been thinking about him and his family all week.  My biggest concern is his kids.  They loved their father.  I know this is going to be hard on them.  It really made me think about the time I spend/don't spend with my kids.  I really need to start being a father and not just a financial provider.  I don't want something to happen to me and end up regretting time I could have spent with them. 

Haven't Heard From

Yesterday I realized it has been two weeks since I heard from someone I considered a good friend.  We had a slight disagreement about something.  I thought we were better than to let something meaningless come between us.  The person has not texted or called me and I have not reached out to her.  In a way, I want to talk to them because something important happened this week.  On the other hand, to me it's not that serious.  Yes, I value friendship.  I just don't value it enough to kiss anybody's ass. 

We Need to Talk

Last Saturday my wife and I decided we needed to address the nephew and his girlfriend about several topics concerning the house and their living with us.  I came home between jobs in order to have the conversation.  We talked to them about the late night cooking and the fact that there was no way in hell they were going to eat better than my family when they didn't pay for the food.  We talked to them about cleaning up around the house, especially the dishes they were getting dirty with the late night cooking.  We talked to them about arguing over stupid shit.  It seemed there was some confusion/problems caused by a statement made by a friend of my wife's to the nephew.  We squashed that shit.  We discussed how much they need to pay for living with us.  Most importantly we discussed them getting out of the house before this baby is born in November.  For those of you keeping count, this is kid number 3 for the nephew.  He'll be 23 with 3 kids by 3 different women and no college education.  No amount of talking in the world if going to improve that situation. 

The Great Steak Caper

The gentleman who provides my family with the discount steak, chicken and seafood products paid us a visit last week.  We ended up purchasing about $300 worth of steaks and chicken - enough to last for several weeks.  Among the steaks were 8 New York strips.  I don't know if you are a carnivore like me but I know those New York Strips are good and can be expensive.  With that being said, the same night we purchased the meat, the nephew's girlfriend decided to cook a New York strip.  I didn't think too much about it cause the food is there to be eaten.  Where I took issue with her actions is the next night when she decided to cook 2 more.  Hold on honey!  You didn't pay for those.  I'll be damned if you gonna eat me out of house and home and we not even related by blood or marriage.  My wife and I put a stop to the steak caper on last Saturday, so we thought.  That part will be another entry. 

Time Flies

Somehow I have once again let a week pass by without writing anything in this blog.  I can't say that I have not thought about it.  Daily I would mentally tell myself I need to make entries.  I just did not take the time to sit down at the computer and commit my thoughts to the internet.  I'm fully aware of the ability to mobile blog.  I just choose not to use that method.  It's something about sitting here at my desktop that seems calming and therapeutic.  A lot has happened in the last week.  I'll try to put down as much as I can as quickly as I can cause time flies, thoughts are forgotten and things change. 

Dealing with CoWorkers

I was trying to assist a new supervisor at work on Monday.  I called another co-worker to ask if they were still at work since it was close to the end of our shift but I knew they would have the information I needed.  The second co-worker answered the phone and told me they were gone for the day.  I thanked them and hung up the phone.  Apparently, the second co-worker accidentally called me back.  I overheard her saying to someone else, "I don't know why that motherfucker called and asked if I was gone for the day.  He ain't my manager."  I just ended the call.  Nice to know what people really think about you.

Living with Grown Children

Every night I come home from work, I take a quick scan of my house.  I look to see what toys the kids have left out, if there is any mail for me, and what disarray the kitchen is left in.  I find it amazing that I live with 3 grown ass children who seem incapable of consistently cleaning up behind themselves.  The problem was bad enough when it was just me and the wife.  Add to this mix the nephew and his pregnant girlfriend and the problem multiplies.  All three of them seem capable of cooking something when they are hungry.  None of them seem capable of washing the dirty dishes and putting them up.  I'm just waiting for the time when all this filth catches up with them and something bites them on their ass.  Maybe then, they will learn to clean up.

Next Surgery Next Month

My next surgery to combat the problem in my leg is set for June.  The new doctor has proposed she will have to make a bigger cut than the previous doctor.  She also said she will make use of a microscope to assist in seeing how intertwined the tumor is with my nerves.  If she is able to remove it, she will.  If not, she plans to try to get a sample to send off for more details.  She informed me this next surgery will definitely leave a scar.  Guess this is another one of those good news, bad news situations.

Quick Temporary Sigh of Relief

I was able to breathe a quick sigh of relief last week.  I received a bonus on my paycheck at work and my wife's case against her previous employer was finally settled.  The combination of the two was about the equivalent of her former monthly income.  We were able to use the money to get most bills caught up.  It has been nice to go for a few days and not get calls from the mortgage company or my lien holder.  I'll enjoy it while it lasts because we are about to be back in the same boat again.

Nothing to Call My Own

It's been over a week since my last post and I have a lot of topics to cover.  I want to start with what happened Sunday and Monday.  One of the ladies I work with purchased an oversized cupcake for me for mother's day.  I brought the cupcake home Sunday night and left it in the fridge because I didn't have a taste for sweets at the time.  Monday evening when I was at work, my wife asked who the cupcake was for.  I explained it was mine.  She asked if she could have it.  I told her I received it as a gift for mother's day.  About an hour later, I had the feeling my cupcake was gone.  Sure enough, when I sent my wife a message, she told me she had eaten the cupcake.  It's time like this when I feel she takes the whole, "what's mine is yours" concept to the extreme.

Scent of Attraction Revisited

I scanned through my previous posts because I was sure I had talked about this topic before.  Sure enough, back in September of last year, I discussed my love for light cologne fragrances.  Once again I was at work dealing with some of the female agents.  I have a pretty good rapport with most of the people in the building so I can laugh and joke with them.  I can't remember the exact conversation but I ended up hugging one of the young ladies while we shared a joke.  As I was walking away she asked, "What is that scent you are wearing.  It sure smells good."  It took me a moment to respond because I honestly forgot which cologne I used that morning.  Once I provided the answer she said,  "Good.  I have a little bit of the scent on my jacket.  This will keep me happy the rest of the day."  It's amazing what the sense of smell can do.  

A Year in Time

It's been almost a year since my wife was released from her job.  We have survived for the most part but it has been a true struggle.  I have borrowed money from friends and family as well as taken out a couple of loans.  My credit score is now shot to hell due to being behind on payments.  I failed my Masters program because I was so focused on taking care of home, I neglected my studies.  I am at a point in time now where all I do is work to pay bills and I can't pay all of them even though I am working 2 jobs.  I really did not think the situation would last a year.  I really thought she was going to get better and find another job.  I thought the nephew would get his shit together and be gone or at least be contributing to the household.  Guess I was completely wrong about the events of the past year.

Being Observant

I have worked in the pizza delivery industry for over a decade.  This has taught me to be very observant of people and my surroundings.  I noticed today other people can also be very observant.  My wife is currently babysitting a pair of boys for one of the ladies I work with.  When the young lady came over this evening, she spent a few minutes talking to us in the kitchen.  On the top of the kitchen cabinet above my sink, I keep my liquor.  That way it is out of the immediate reach of my kids.  She "observed" the 2 bottles of vodka on the top of the cabinet and asked what was in them.  One was Smirnoff Iced Cake and the other was Pinnacle Root Beer.  She asked for a sample.  I poured a very small amount of the Pinnacle in a cup.  She looked at me funny and said, "that's all I get?"  I told her I figured she did not want that much because she was about to drive the kids home.  I ended up giving her the remainder of the bottle of Smirnoff - it was about 1/3 full.  Just goes to show, people are very observant when they enter your home.  Be careful who you allow to cross the threshold of the front door.    

Not as Well as I Thought

I decided to take a bath tonight to try and remove some of the residue left on my leg after removing the medical strips used to protect my incision.  At first it was not big deal.  I was able to scrub with a fair amount of pressure because I was not close to the tumor behind my knee.  As I got closer to the tumor, I started scrubbing more gently so I would not aggravate the pain.  Then I noticed something.  My entire left calf muscle felt numb to the touch. Initially I thought this may have been due to surgery and the stitches in my leg. With the stitches removed and the surgery being 2 weeks ago, I realized the pain was probably due to the tumor.  As soon as I touched the tumor on the back of my leg as I was scrubbing, a pain raced down my leg.  Guess I am not as well as I thought.  I hope I get some good news next week about my condition.

Unfit Role Model

Years ago people criticized Charles Barkley when he told the world he was not a role model.  Charles said this because he wanted parents to teach their kids right and wrong rather than the youth trying to emulate celebrities.  Yesterday, I got to witness a situation first hand of an unfit role model trying to give advice to the youth.  My youngest daughter had gotten herself ready for bed.  She has decided recently that she likes sleeping in a swimsuit (don't know where this came from).  She was in the process of winding down and playing on the floor.  My wife looked at our daughter and said "young ladies don't show their private part" because the swimsuit had shifted a bit.  This amazing part of the wife making this statement was that she was laying on the couch wearing nothing but a nightgown so if she not careful she would be showing as much of herself as our child.  How you gonna tell someone not to do something when you do it yourself?  I guess the statement, "Do as I say and not as I do"  is the ultimate weapon for some parents.

Surgery Follow Up - Good News and Bad News

I had my follow up visit with the doctor yesterday following the unsuccessful initial surgery.  The good news is that he was able to remove the stitches without a problem.  More good news is that he feels since the problem is nerve related, I don't have to wear the ankle brace and night splint any more.  The bad news is that he wants me to see another doctor about a possible nerve graft for my leg.  A nerve graft will require someone to remove the bad section of nerve in my leg and replace it with good nerve tissue from another body part.  I'm not too comfortable with the idea of being cut in two places to fix one problem.  I am also not comfortable with the doctor he has initially recommended because based on what I have seen on the internet, this doctor does not specialize in nerve work.  I think I am going to look for an alternate doctor.  I can't handle any more bad news about this leg problem. 

Abnormal Cells

My wife received a letter in the mail today following up on her annual doctor visit.  The letter stated the pap smear revealed some "abnormal cells."  The clinic wants to conduct a colposcopy exam to determine what may have caused the cells.  The test must be conducted within the next 4-6 weeks.  I find this truly amazing.  It seems we are both breaking down at the same time.  Hopefully, the test will reveal that nothing serious is wrong.  If not, we will just deal with what comes. 

Looking Toward Tomorrow

I'm looking toward tomorrow with a lot of mixed emotions.  Tomorrow is the day I go back to the doctor to have the stitches removed from my leg.  More importantly, hopefully the doctor will have some updated information on what options are available to remove the tumor.  My biggest fear is that whatever option(s) he provides, the road to recovery will not be easy.  Everything in my mind keeps telling me that once they go inside my leg again, I will have to start over learning how to walk.  Add to that, the fact I am diabetic and you have a one-two combination which could put me down for the count.  There is one up side to the equation.  I'm hard-headed.  I'm an Aries and we pride ourselves on proving people wrong.  So I'm looking toward tomorrow and preparing to face whatever challenge comes my way. 

Dealing with the Pain

I am starting to wonder if my problem is simply in my mind or if I am truly experiencing this continued, intermittent pain in my left foot following surgery last week.  The pain in not bad all the time.  My problem is that the pain is becoming more and more frequent.  I have tried to tough it out for the most part because I do not want to become dependent on pain killers to get through the day.  If the pain does not go away and the doctor does not have a game plan when I go to have the stitches removed on Friday, I may have to become a daily pill pusher.

No Proof Of Insurance leads to warrant for arrest

Following the no proof of insurance problem the nephew recently had, he was informed by the officer there was actually a warrant out for his arrest.  Apparently the nephew got a ticket back in the December and failed to pay it or appear in court.  Now he owes $300.  Really?  So even though he has insurance now to get out of the recent ticket, there is no way around the December ticket.  It's times like this that I wonder why I even try at all to help the boy.

WTF Moment - No Proof of Insurance

I made it a point to add the nephew's new car to my auto insurance policy asap so I knew he was covered.  I also made it a point to provide him with a copy of the insurance.  Please explain to me how he managed to go through a roadblock tonight and not be able to produce proof of insurance.  WTF?!!  You just got this car less than 2 months ago.  There should not be anything in your glove compartment except the owner's manual, the dealer paperwork, a receipt for one oil change and the damn car insurance paper.  To add to this bullshit, I think he called me while he was getting the ticket.  My response was "I can't bring proof of insurance to you while you at a roadblock. You will have to get the ticket and fight it on your own."  It's times like this that I fail to understand the youth of today.

Back to Work

Today was my first day back after my surgery on Monday.  I left home extra early to give myself time to get into the office and get situated considering my condition.  The good news is that I was able to get through about half my day without anyone who was not already aware of the surgery asking me any questions.  The bad news is that about halfway through my day, I started to encounter a little pain.  Not a whole lot, just enough to keep me alert.  I didn't want to take a chance so I started using my crutches.  Of course, now all of a sudden everyone was asking questions.  After explaining about the surgery for about the 7-8th time, things kinda settled down. I stayed seated as much as possible.  When it was time to go, I hobbled to the elevator and made my way to my car.  It was good to get back to work.

Day after Surgery - Very Graphic Post

Well, it's been about 24 hours since I was released from the hospital following my unsuccessful surgery.  I'm going to give you a run down of what happened and include some pictures taken by the doctor.  I warn you, the pictures are graphic and not for the weak of heart or stomach.  

Yesterday morning I got up goofed around the house until it was time to leave for the hospital.  We walked into the building around 1040am. The receptionist had me sign a bunch of paperwork about privacy, insurance and stuff like that.  We (wife and I) sat down and noted that the lobby was packed.  I went back up to the receptionist to ask about how long the procedure should take because no one was home to meet our 8 year old when she arrived from school.  She said the procedure should take about 45 minutes but the doctor had another surgery in front of me so it may take a while before he got to me.  Great! Eventually they called me to the back.  I got undressed and put on one of those ugly open back hospital gowns.  The nurse started my IV.  She shaved my leg above and below the knee area as a preparation for surgery.  My wife came back and we talked and joked about the surgery and what we overheard from other patients waiting to be seen.  The nurse who would be in the room with me came back and apologized for the long wait.  The anaesthesiologist came back and introduced himself also.  The nurse came back and offered my wife a drink or something to snack on.  She jokingly said, "you can't have anything!"  They finally came to take me to the operating room.  They injected some medication in the IV. I remember rolling down the hallway.  I remember entering the operating room and seeing the big lights.  The next thing I remember was the nurse asking what number to reach my wife at because it was time for my discharge.  Apparently my wife's cell phone was dead.  I called a friend and she offered to come pick me up.  As I was getting dressed, my wife showed back up.  I cancelled my friend coming and was discharged.  My wife explained that the doctor was unable to remove the tumor on my leg because it was on the main nerve.  Removing it could have left me paralyzed.  So he left it alone and will reach out to a plastic surgeon to see what alternatives are available.  So I survived the surgery.  Just didn't get the outcome I hoped for.  Now for those of you who have been waiting, here are the pics of the tumor.  Last warning:  the pictures are graphic and not for the weak of heart or stomach.

Feel Like I'm on Death Row

This surgery has me feeling like I am on death row.  The whole concept of "no eating or drinking after midnight" is killing me.  First of all, I work until 1030p-1130p most nights.  Therefore, I'm usually eating once I arrive home.  I had planned to grab something nice to eat to hold me over until after the procedure.  Last night I had to rush home and wolf down some food.  I hope I have enough in my system to get me past the time of this surgery.

Blackmail

Following my decision to let the nephew's now pregnant girlfriend stay with us for a while until they can get established on their own, I received the following text from my wife.

Her:  This may sound crazy but is he blackmailing you or something
Me:  Huh
Her:  I know that you will do anything to help someone out but I'm still in shock about you letting her move in
Me:  I saw how her mom was with her before she got pregnant.  Kinda feel sorry for her.  She trying to do right and I hope she can motivate him.  She just finished school so maybe she can help him with reading
Her:  Makes sense.  And I trust that you made the right decision for our family

What would make her think he is trying to blackmail me?  First of all, he probably can't spell blackmail more or less know what it is.  Secondly, there's nothing he can blackmail me with.  I don't know.  I guess some people always have a conspiracy theory running through their mind.

She Had a Bad Day

The wife had a bad day on Friday.  She got up Friday morning to go get copies of her medical records.  There was a cost of $20.  Of course, she didn't have any money.  To make matters worse, they would not accept just my card number - they needed the physical card.  Ok.  Move forward a couple of hours and she picked up our youngest from daycare.  She was presented with the bill.  Apparently this was too much for her to deal with.  She came to my job and sat in the parking lot texting and calling me.  She said she needed to see me.  When I finally was able to get downstairs, she explained what happened.  I told her to relax and I would get the medical records after work.  As far as daycare payment goes, they can wait til payday.  I just need her to realize she can't let little stuff like that bother her.  We can't afford for her to have any really bad days.

WTF - Child Support Payments

The nephew received a letter in the mail the other day from the Department of Human Services.  Knowing his limited reading ability, I opened it to determine the nature of the letter.  The letter explained he is currently $1000 behind on child support for his 2nd child.  I talked to him about the child support and he told me the payments were no longer being taken from his paycheck.  WTF?!! So you think just because they stop taking money out your check, you don't have to pay for the care of your child?  And if they stopped taking money out of your check, where the hell are these extra funds?  I talked to the nephew and made a life threatening statement.  I informed him several people had mentioned to me that based on his actions and the fact he was always broke but had no real bills, it seemed like he had a drug habit.  I politely told him that if he had a habit, drugs, alcohol or whatever, he needed to let it go.  I went on to tell him that if at any time I find out he had a drug habit and he brought that shit around my 3 little girls, I would wrap both my hands around his neck and choke the life out of him after I called 911 to come get me for murder.  He has called DHS and they are supposed to make arrangements about the past due payments.  I hope he gets everything in line before this 3rd baby arrives.

Pitter Patter of Adult Feet

The nephew tried to have a "man to man" talk with me yesterday about his current life situations.  He was once again asking for my advice and guidance.  At this point, I can't provide any new information.  He has gotten himself into a world I will never experience so I am unable to tell him what roads to take.  His current pregnant girlfriend spoke to me yesterday and explained she has been put out of her mother's house.  She asked if she could stay with us for a little while until she could find other living arrangements.  I thought about it for a little while and decided to say yes.  I talked to my wife about the situation and she reluctantly agreed. So now we will have the pitter patter of another pair of adult feet in the house.

Tomorrow's Surgery

With all that has been going on in my life and the lives of others around me, I've been trying to balance my emotions.  I have not been doing a good job of it.  I cannot get the surgery off of my mind.  I think my biggest concern is the "what if something goes wrong" thoughts.  Those thoughts are not so much my own.  They belong to others who opt to provide their opinion.  The doctor told me I should be able to return to work in a few days.  These negative bastards are talking about "you better take at least a week off.  you trying to rush back to work and you not gonna heal properly."  Anybody that really knows me can tell you, I don't miss work.  So after the doctor removes this crap from my leg and I give it a few days to relax, it's back to business as normal.  I'm just ready to be done with tomorrow's surgery.

Unwanted Results

My MRI follow up did not go as I had hoped.  I spoke with the doctor and he has decided the best option is surgery.  Nothing real intrusive.  Just a small cut in the back of my leg to remove what they are calling a "small tissue mass."  It's an outpatient procedure so I will not require any hospital time.  I'll just need a few days of rest.  At least that is what I am hoping.  I am actually more concerned about this surgery than I was when I had my vasectomy years ago.  I'm not too sure why.  I've told the people in my life that I feel should know about it and they are supportive.  Maybe their support will be all I need to get past these unwanted results.

Diabetes and the Continuous Monitor

I went to the doctor Thursday and received my training for using the continuous monitoring system.  Unlike traditional methods of pricking a finger at any given time to get a blood sugar reading, I now have a sensor that checks the blood sugar level every 10 minutes or so and transmits the data to my insulin pump.  I still have to stick my finger at least twice a day to make sure the sensor is providing accurate readings.  The good thing about continuous monitoring is that I can now see if there are any patterns as it comes to my sugar levels.  The bad thing about the system is that it has alerts set and once a problem occurs (high or low blood sugar) the monitor will continue to alert the pump until I am out of the danger zone.  Looks like I have to really focus and do right now or suffer the consequences.

Better to Give than to Receive

Continuing on my project from yesterday, I went through all of my youngest daughters' clothes and pulled out the items they had outgrown.  Usually my next step would be a trip to the local Goodwill to make a charitable donation.  I took a different route today.  I texted one of my co workers who had a daughter about the right size for some of the clothes.  I ended up dropping off a large basket of miscellaneous items including dresses, pants, shirts and coats to her.  She was very appreciative and said the outfits looked fabulous.  This is the same co worker who told me she would have to do something for me next week to make up for my birthday because money was tight this week.  I told her not to worry about my birthday and I was happy to give the clothes to someone I know could use them.  This is definitely one of those cases when it feels a lot better to give than to receive.

Nervous about the Results

I am really starting to get nervous about the results of my MRI.  The pain in my leg continues and at times it seems worse.  I was standing talking to someone yesterday when it hit me.  All I could do was close my eyes and grit my teeth for a few seconds.  I have never had any type of major surgery.  I don't know how I will function if I am not able to move around and do what I normally do day to day.  More importantly, I don't know how my family will function.  Maybe I am worrying over nothing.  I just have to wait until tomorrow morning and find out what the results show the doctor.

Birthday 2013

To say my birthday this year was a huge let down would be an understatement.  97% of the day was not even about me.  I spent my day focusing on other people and what they needed.  I drove a co worker to and from work due to car problems.  I took my two youngest daughters to the dentist.  I watched a movie online.  I pulled all of my daughters' clothes out of the room which used to be theirs (currently occupied by the wife's nephew) so I can try to organize them because I became enraged seeing their dresses in piles on the floor.  I went to work and that was it.  Yea you read right.  I got text messages from 5 people yesterday wishing me a happy birthday.  What really hurts my feelings was that the people I really expected to wish me a happy birthday didn't.  One person didn't even say "hi" to me.  Oh well.  Time to stop pouting and move on.  I guess when you don't make a big deal out of your birthday, no one else will do it for you.

Rick Ross Money - BMF

The nephew got his income tax refund last week and in true BMF fashion, I think he is broke already.  He paid me part of the $1300 he owes me.  He gave a significant amount to his baby mama cause he claimed his little girl on taxes.   Another $2000+ was invested into a used car from the local dealer.  I'm happy he was able to get the car with no co-signer which means I have no part in that equation.  Now that he has reliable transportation, I hope he is able to secure more hours at work or find a second job so he can start working on saving money.  If he continues down his usual path, he will be broke and carless by the end of summer.

Doctor Visit - The Orthopedic Version

I went back to the orthopedic specialist after spending over a month wearing an ankle brace.  Since this whole process started, I have purchased 3 pairs of shoes as well as a leg brace to sleep in.  This past week while at home, I noticed some type of bump on the back of my leg right behind the knee.  I mentioned it to the doctor because when I touched it, the pain ran down my leg to my foot.  He placed his hand on my leg to  determine what I was talking about.  As soon as he made contact, his reaction was that an MRI needs to be done.  So my next appointment is on Monday and it is for an MRI of my knee.  I really hope whatever is on my leg can be cured by medicine or physical therapy.  I am just not comfortable with the idea of any type of surgery that involves my knee.

Doctor Visit - The Diabetic Version

I went to see my diabetic specialist last week.  I actually had a good visit.  I had gained 2 pounds since my last trip.  My A1C level was 8.8.  Now for most diabetics that is still high but for someone who is historically in double digits, 8.8 is awesome.  Based on those numbers, we made no changes to my medications.  I got my usually lecture about being sure to test more to help keep things under control.  Next visit is in two months.

Causing Unnecessary Panic

I came home last night from work and pulled into the driveway.  Upon my arrival, I noticed the side door to my wife's van was opened.  My initial thought was that someone had broken into the van.  A closer look proved me wrong.  It looked as if everything was still in the vehicle.  I went inside the house to ask my wife if she had been to the van recently.  Her response was that she had not been outside for the past 6 hours.  I told her she want to check the can cause the side door was wide open.  She rolled over and went back to sleep.  I hate getting myself worked up over nothing.  I guess I need to take some advice from my wife and just not give a fuck about causing unnecessary panic.  

WTF Moment - And then there were 3

My nephew called me a little while ago.  I was not really in the mood to deal with any of his usual stupidity.  He did not fail to provide some anyway.  He decided to tell me that the girl he is currently dating found out she is pregnant.  WTF?  Really?  So you got another child on the way?  OMG!  You are 22 years old with a  high school education, a convicted felon and about to be a father of three?  What in the hell?  Now more than ever he has got to get his shit together and get out my house.  The last thing I plan on dealing with is him and his 3 baby mamas.

My Lack of Blogging

It's been a week and a half since my last entry.  Part of the reason is because of laziness - I just didn't have the desire to sit in front of my computer and pour my heart out to the couple of people who read this.  Part of it was fatigue - a couple of nights I planned to blog after checking email and ended up going straight to sleep.  Part of it is not knowing what to say - so much is going on with me right now, I don't know what should take priority.  I do know this.  Based on the last couple of days, I have to get some stuff off my chest.  Otherwise, things could get real ugly real quick.

Running on Fumes

Sunday night proved to me I am simply running on fumes these days and am in need of some serious rest.  I should have known something was wrong with my because I had to focus so much on driving home.  When I got to the house, I shut off my truck and sat there for a sec.  At least I thought it was a second.  I closed my eyes and when I opened them, it was hours later.  I had actually slept in my truck that night.  I was too tired mentally and physically when I got home to take the short journey from the driveway to my couch.  I am running on fumes.  And right now I don't know when I will have time to refuel.

The Dinner Party

One of my co-workers wanted to have a dinner party at her house.  I was all in for it.  Gameplan was to have it on a day most of us were off from work so we could eat, drink and be merry.  The dinner happened last night and it was awesome.  There was an awesome food spread.  Baked and fried fish, jumbalaya, potato salad, salad, peach cobbler and more.  There was also plenty to drink. I walked in the door and was welcomed with a mango smoothie.  I followed that with an amaretto sour.  I had a couple more concoctions we created on the fly while we were laughing and joking.  All in all it was a great time.  It was nice to be able to hang out with peers away from work and have fun.  I'm really looking forward to the next one.

Learning When to Give Up

I have never been the type of person who quits.  I keep trying and plugging away at something until I figure it out - if I really want to get it accomplished.  I think that may be my problem with getting my degree online.  I have failed the same class three times.  It's not like the class is hard, I could do coursework in my sleep without reading the book.  My problem in all three failed attempts is that I did not take the time to do the work.  I received failing grades because I did not turn in assignments.  I guess it really is time for me to give up trying to get that degree.  I am not at a point in life where I can dedicate the time and focus to the program required to be successful.  Guess I need to learn when to give up on a dream.

Failed Suicide / A Cry for Attention

This time last week I was sitting in an ER room waiting to find out my wife's condition.  Last Wednesday she decided to take all of her prescription medications in addition to some pills for our oldest daughter in an attempt to kill herself.  At least, that's what she says.  Speaking with family and friends, we've decided that she was simply wanting attention and trying to kill herself was the method she chose to get it.  Good news is that the medications she took were not enough to be toxic so she survived with no complications.  She ended up spending 2 nights in the psych ward at the hospital again and then came home.  This is going to sound cold to those who don't know me but this shit is getting old.  I am tired of having to deal with her desire to always be the center of attention and putting our daughters through this.  Funny thing is that only the youngest  girl cried; the older two took a "whatever" approach to her being back in the hospital.

We Don't Speak the Same Language

I got home from work tonight and decided to check my email before going to bed.  I had a message from my wife with the subject line "Your Love Language."  The body of the email was as follows:


Physical Touch

This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

I have a problem with this.  I don't speak this language when it comes to her anymore. So now what do I do?

WTF Moment - Am I Cheating?

This entry helps to show why I am past the point of sanity.  I really professional help to deal with the stuff I encounter daily.  Last night after I returned from my dinner with friends, my wife decided she wanted to talk to me.  She came and sat in the room and wrapped herself in a blanket.  She proceeded to strike up a conversation about various topics.  While talking she asked me, "are you cheating?"  WTF?! Who does that?  What was she expecting for an answer??  Now don't get me wrong. I have cheated in the past.  I thought we had gotten past all that but apparently she refuses to let go.  I try to make sure I mention the names of females I work with as well as their life statuses (married, dating, kids) to ease my wife's mind.  I am starting to think there is nothing I can do to help calm her self inflicted paranoia.

Can I Get a Little Me Time?

Yesterday I went out with some co-workers to dinner.  We had been planning it for weeks and I am sure I mentioned it to my wife on more than one occasion.  Low and behold, when I left the house I immediately got a text message "Where are you going?"  I responded stating I was going to dinner with my associates but did not know the destination yet.  Later in the evening I got another text message asking where were we and could my wife and kids join us.  I did not reply to that message.  Still later was when the real drama started.  She texted me asking how much longer would I be out because she was not feeling good.  Really?  Why is it that when I leave the house for a few hours to try and enjoy myself she starts to feel bad?  I don't remember feeling bad when she went to New Orleans when I told her not to.  I don't remember getting ill when she went on the vacation with her sister last summer when I told her not to.  It just amazes me how we act sometimes.  I think it is a shame that I can't get a little me time.

Houseguest

This post piggybacks off of the previous one.  With the Father-Daughter event planned for this weekend, my wife wanted the girls to look extra cute.  She decided to have another friend of the family come over and do their hair.  I'm cool with that.  The problem comes in the fact that the hairdresser is already at my house and the event is not until Saturday.  Why in the world is a twenty-something year old woman staying at my house?  Oh - did I mention she is sleeping in the bed with my wife?  It's not like they are lesbians or anything but who does that?  It's times like this when I realize all is not right in my world and sometimes there is nothing I can do to change that.

Am I a Good Parent?

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I consider myself to be a good parent.  I work two jobs to try and support my three little girls.  I try to teach them the ways of the world and that you have to work hard to get what you want out of life.  I want them to understand they don't have to depend on anyone but themselves for success.  With all that in mind, it's times like this when I wonder if I do enough.  This weekend is a Father-Daughter event in the community.  I completely forgot about the date and failed to request the day off from work.  My wife promised the girls they could attend so a friend of the family volunteered to take them.  Does missing out on an event such as this make me a bad parent?  I try to attend as many of their events as possible but sometimes work has to come first.  I hope they understand sometimes the choices we make in life are hard ones and sometimes people's feelings have to be hurt for the greater good.

Wheels on the Bus Run me Over

I found out some info from a colleague of mine.  I was informed there is a rumor floating around the office that I threw someone under the bus and got them in trouble.  I laughed as soon as I heard this.  I explained that first of all, I had no idea what he was talking about.  Secondly, how would I benefit from throwing this person under the bus?  I am just amazed at the maturity level of the people I work with.  Everyone wants to run tell dat.  I have a solution to all that foolishness. Looks like I am going to have to revert to the old me.  The one who walks in, does my job and leaves.  No time for playful banter and fellowshipping.  Strictly business in the office.  If you want to laugh and play, go to a daycare.  I don't have time to throw people under the bus or get thrown there myself.

Doctor Visits

I haven't posted anything about Monday's doctor visit so I will include it with today's update.  I had to go have  bone scan done Monday to try and determine what might be causing the pain in my foot.  This entailed going to the facility at 830am.  I got there, registered, was given a "tracer" shot and told to come back in three hours for the actual exam.  When I got back, I spend 1.5 hours with my feet being examined by a machine.  The procedure was not too bad.  There were a couple of times I was concerned (like when the tech taped my ankles together to keep my from moving or when she asked if my right foot was experiencing pain because she didn't see anything on the left scan). Today was the follow up with the actual orthopedic.  He looked at the scans and agreed with the tech.  There was nothing wrong with the bones in my feet.  He current suggestion requires me to wear inserts in my shoes for 3-6 weeks and wearing a splint at night when I sleep.  If that does not help with the problem, then the next option is surgery.  I'm hoping we don't get to the surgery option.

Bitch Betta Have My Money

The IRS has finally decided to start accepting tax returns.  For a lot of people that means savings, home improvements and catching up on bills.  For others, it means living like Rick Ross and trying to blow money fast.  I'm trying to catch the nephew before he does the latter.  Based on my calculations, he owes me about $1200.  I have informed him that once he receives his tax refund, I need my money.  I don't care about his baby mama or anything else he has going on in his life right now.  Once those funds are available to him, bitch betta have my money.

WTF - Real Life Nigga Moment

I was at work at my fast food job tonight and I experienced a unique situation.  I was joking with a couple of my co-workers about the potential for someone to want to fight or harm me.  I decided to misquote Lil Wayne's Duffle Bag Boy song and said "I ain't never ran from a nigga and I ain't about to start."  This quote caught the attention of an older Caucasian gentleman who works with us.  He looked at me and said, "I know I must have missed something in what you just said.  Can you repeat that for me?"  I politely repeated my statement.  The people who were within earshot cracked up laughing.  A few moments later it hit me that I may have just experienced a real life nigga moment.  I'm not too sure if he laughed because the statement was funny or if he simply took delight in the fact I used the word "nigga."  Who knows?

Some Jokes Just Ain't Funny

As Valentine's Day 2013 comes to a close, I must post about the foolishness which just occurred.  I decided to run to the store and purchase a soda because I wanted something with some fizz to drink.  While at the store, I decided to purchase a candy bar for my wife.  I decided to get her "favorite" candy bar even though she had stopped eating them because the name of the candy bar reminded her of someone she did not like.  When I arrived home and gave her the candy bar, she looked at me and said, "thank you.  I actually asked Bob to get me one earlier.  He told me he would do it and mail it to me overnight."  Now, Bob is her best friend's husband.  Please tell me at what point in time was this supposed to be funny. It's times like that when I just walk off before I say something and truly hurt her feelings.  Some jokes just ain't funny.

Finally an Unselfish Act

Today is Valentine's Day 2013.  I am currently not feeling too much love but I wanted to talk about a gesture made by my wife earlier which showed that on rare occasions, she can be unselfish.  After my doctor's appointment this morning, I went by my job to let my manager know about required upcoming days off for follow up appointments.  We left the building and went to a local bakery.  I tried to get my wife to pick out an oversized cupcake for her V-Day gift.  She asked what was I going to get for our girls.  I told her I did not plan on getting them anything until my next payday.  She actually told me she would rather me get something for them than for her.  I could hardly believe it.  She actually thought about someone other than herself for a change.

Doctor's Visit - Still Looking for Answers

I went to see an orthopedic specialist today about the ongoing pain in my foot.  The nurse took some xrays and I discussed the problem with the doctor.  I ended up leaving his office in an ankle brace.  He was not able to determine what may be causing the problem but had a couple of ideas.  The next step in the process is to have a bone scan done at a medical facility and follow up with the orthopedic specialist in a week.  So at this point I am basically where I was when I started this process.  I keep trying and trying but I am unable to find out what is causing the pain and more importantly what can be done to get rid of it.

Can we have sex? Part 2

So that we have bypassed the text message part, I decided to go into the bedroom and talk with my wife.  We decided being intimate was a good idea at the time.  As we are laying in bed naked, I bumped my lip.  I currently have a sore on the inside of my lip.  I have no clue what caused it.  I made my wife aware of the sore because I did not want her to suck my lip and make the pain worse.  Her response was "What bitch you been kissing on?  Was it blah-blah-blah or blah-blah-blah?"  WTF?!? Really?  You just asked me if I had been kissing on 2 different females right before you and I are supposed to be having sex?  Only in my world does this type of foolishness happen.

Can we have sex?

This post addresses a major concern of mine as modern technology influences relationships and intimacy.  I was sitting at my desk today when I received a text message from my wife.
The message read "Can we have sex?"  This is one of those times I am at a crossroads with modern technology.  My was literally down the hall from me.  She could have stepped out of the bedroom and saw me.  Rather than coming to me, she sent me a text.  WTF?  At this point I replied, "I will think about it as soon as you answer this question.  Why are you texting me when we are 3 rooms apart?"  I never got a reply  to the question.  I am all for sending inticing pictures to your mate and suggestive text messages to spice things up.  I have a problem when you can't talk face to face with someone and everything is done through text messages, instagram and facebook.

Picture is Worth a 1000 words

A very close friend of mine moved away recently due to a job promotion.  I was happy for her advancement but saddened by the fact she had to go out of state to take advantage.  I asked her to send me a picture once she got settled of something unique to her new surroundings.  She sent me a picture of herself smiling.  I look at that picture every night.  The image of her smiling says more than any words know in the English language.  Seeing her smiling in her new environment lets me know she is safe; she is happy and she is going to excel at any task put in front of her.  I wish I could send her a picture which communicated those things to her.  Unfortunately, I don't think I can fake a smile to make it seem that way.  The truth would show on my face.  All is not well in my world but my world is my world.  You live and you learn.

WTF Moment - Overdraft Fees

I was talking with the nephew a couple of weeks ago about his financial situation because it still did not seem to be getting better.  This confused me because he has lived with us for over a year and does not contribute to the household financially.  Add to this the fact he no longer has a car and the plot thickens.  I asked him if we could look at his bank account to try and determine where money could be going.  OMG!  I wanted to beat the hell out of him when we pulled it up.  He had over $400 in overdraft fees in December alone.  WTF?  According to my calculations, an entire 2 week paycheck went strictly to covering overdraft fees to the bank.  I tried to provide him with other ways of checking and maintaining his money. He has got to do better.  He can't afford not to.

Real Friends

This post piggybacks off of the previous one about my truck and revisits one of my favorite topics.  My truck was out of commission for almost an entire week due to repairs.  I explained the situation to one of my closed friends before I actually went to the shop. She was nice enough to let me use her car while my truck was repaired.  When I say let me use her car, I mean she let me drive her car to and from work.  All I had to do was make sure she had a way to work and home each day.  Now that's what I call a real friend.  She sacrificed what she had to do for a few days so I could take care of my business.  Good thing is, she knows I would do the same for her.

No Extended Warranty

I had to take my truck to the shop on 2/2/13 due to an ongoing concern about my brakes. The brakes were not stopping as good as normal and the truck was starting to cut off when left idling for short periods of time.  The dealership called me on 2/4/13 and told me they discovered the cause of my issue.  My service specialist went on to tell me that it would cost $600 for the repair because that particular part was not covered by the extended warranty.  So my truck that I have had just over a year, put a $600 dent in my pocket.  Guess you can't put a price on safety.   And I guess you can't argue if there is no extended warranty.  

Health Concerns

Upon the recommendation of my specialist, I went to see my GP about my foot.  He played touchy-feely with it and just like my therapist, felt the problem was not nerves or directly related to my diabetes.  He prescribed some pain medication and told me to follow up in a week.  The pain medicine did not help at all.  If fact, at one point, I think I experienced more pain that prior to the medicine.  I followed up with my GP a week later.  Based on my answers to his questions, he decided the best thing for me to do would be to see a specialist.  Great, this just keeps getting better.  All these various office visits just for a foot.  I hope we find a resolution soon.  I'm tired of walking around in pain.

WTF - Where Have I Been?

January 24, 2013.  I can't believe that is the date of my last post.  So much has happened in the last couple of weeks.  I don't know where to begin.  I'm currently asking myself, WTF?  Where have I been?  What have I been doing to keep me so occupied that I have not been able to make a single post.  Truth of the matter is - nothing.  I think I am hitting another lull in my life where I don't care too much about things.  I hate when I get this way.  Times like this, when the "fuck it" mentality takes over can go really good or really bad. I'm hoping for good because I can't afford the bad.