I Can't Help if I Don't Know the Problem

Today during her session at the doctor my wife dropped a bombshell.  She told the doctor she had been thinking about the child she aborted nearly 21 years ago.  In fact, my wife said she was planning on going out and drinking on the actual day as a kind of celebration/tribute to her lost child.  The doctor reminded my wife that she has 3 healthy kids right now and that drinking to remember the aborted child was not a smart thing to do.  This is the type of stuff that concerns me about my wife.  She told me about her abortion a little less than 2 years ago.  I had no idea when it happened as far as the time of year.  So I was blindsided when she told the doctor about her current mindset.  I can't help if I don't know the problem.  

My Words Cut

I've been told by several people that I have a talent with words.  I'm one of those people that can take a basic thought and turn it into an elegant statement.  One of the sups I work with often asks for my input on how to say things to get his point across clearly.  I have also been told that my blunt honesty can hurt, a lot.  Today while at the doctor with my wife she said something which required my feedback.  Luckily, I had made up my mind before entering the office that I would be careful of what I said.  I took a deep breath, looked at the doctor first and then turned to my wife.  I told her to be careful of the path she was walking.  She was about to make a dangerous step and my words were going to cut her deep.  The doctor quickly interjected and said that I seemed a little frustrated.  At this point, I decided not to verbally assault my wife only because I was not in the mood to deal with her tears.  I just need her to keep in mind that when I get started, my words cut deeper than any blade.

2yr Anniversary

This is around the time 2 years ago that my wife had her first major breakdown and ended up in the psych ward of the local hospital.  With everything going on with us as far as bills and lack of money, I'm not too sure where her head is.  I don't know if she is going to just blow things off and hope I can handle it by myself or if she is going to panic and end up back in the hospital.  Only time will tell.   This is one anniversary, I do not look forward to celebrating on a yearly basis.

Three Sides to Every Story Revisited

Back in April of this year, I brought up the topic of three sides to every story as defined by Usher.  Recently at work, I feel I am running into the situation again.  There is a male supervisor who we will call Mr. A.  Mr. A is attracted to female supervisor Mrs. B.  Mrs. B. is married with 2 kids.  Mrs. B has become a close associate of mine in recent months.  Mr. A. has observed us talking and jumped to conclusions.  He has approached her on a couple of occasions inquiring if there is more us than the work relationship.  I think he has even gone so far as to ask other supervisors for information about Mrs. B and me.  This only helps to feed the fire of stupidity.  So now you have his side, her side and my side of the same situation.  Wonder which of us is telling the truth?    

Let Mouth Write a Check, Your Ass Can't Cash

My grandfather used to tell me all the time not to let my mouth write a check that my ass would not be able to cash.  Basically he was reminding me to be careful what I said because of potential consequences.  There was a recent incident at my job where such an event occurred.  Someone decided to write a big check with their mouth.  Actually, they wrote the check and then tried to change the value of the check.  In the end, the check was completely voided.  Her ass could not cash that check and the consequences of her actions surpassed anything that anyone there expected.

WTF Moment: You Wanna See My Daddy?

Today my wife wanted me to go with her to a doctor's appointment.  It's my day off so I agreed.  I decided to hear my hat because it was colder than normal outside.  I grabbed my sunglasses and headed for the truck.  Once we were seated and about to pull out of the driveway, my turned and looked me.  Her next statement caught me off guard and my response showed my disapproval.  It went something like this.

Her (looking at me pondering):  This is a completely random thought but I would love to see your daddy.
Me:  I don't want to see that motherfucker if it is the day past forever.

I guess she was wondering if I actually looked like my donor (yes I said donor, not dad).  For those of you who are wondering, I look like my mother.  As far as I am concerned, I have no father.

Destructive Thinking

I've avoided doing anything completely stupid ever since my wife stopped working.  I have tried my best to maintain a level head and not let the stress get to me.  Unfortunately, I am human.  I do have a breaking point.  I think I am starting to reach the point a lot faster than I would like.  Thursday, a situation happened with my wife which truly aggravated me.  I went to the store and purchased a snack along with a bottle of wine.  I drank the whole bottle of wine by myself in less than an hour.  Looking back, I realize that was not a smart move.  I also realize I am reaching a point where drinking something and sleeping off the alcohol seems like a great idea.  That's not what I need in my life.  That's destructive thinking.  I need to refocus my energy and find a positive outlet.

Can't Maintain Good Habits

Yesterday I was thinking about the fact I am unable to maintain any basic healthy habits for extended periods of time.  I get on healthy kicks for days/weeks/month at a time and then forget all about it.  One example of this is taking vitamins.  Earlier this year I made it a point to take a vitamin everyday.  I even got to the point where I purchased the vitamin packs with 7 pills in each to help support my overall health due to diabetes.  I haven't taken a vitamin in at least 2 months now.  Another example of starting and stopping healthy habits is exercise.  The month leading into the Halloween party I was all about exercise.  I started working out at least 15 minutes a day for 4 or 5 days a week trying to get toned for the party.  I haven't lifted a weight, did a push up or sit up since the week before the party.  Good news is I am small framed so it does not take much effort for me to shape up to how I like to look.  As I sit here with a bottle of water in my hand, I think about another failed healthy habit.  I always go back and forth with drinking water.  In the last 4 hours, I have consumed 2 bottled waters.  I probably won't drink anymore water for at least a week.  I don't know why I can't maintain healthy habits.

Power of a Smile

I was reminded of the power of a smile on Wednesday.  I was upset about something which occurred at home.  I went to the store to clear my head.  I got out of my vehicle with this look of disgust and was focused on making my purchase and leaving.  As I walked down the aisle of the store, I got behind a young lady.  Realizing my pace was quicker than hers I attempted to sidestep and pass her.  At this time, she turned her cart and almost bumped me.  She stopped short, said sorry and went around me.  As she walked away she smiled.  That was it.  Her smile was so warm and friendly my entire demeanor changed.  I was reminded of why I try to always be nice at work.  Something as simple as a smile can change everything about a person.

Dipping in the company pool

My manager met with the team this week as we always do.  We talked about upcoming company changes and preparations for 2013.  After we all provided our input, the females in our group were asked to leave.  Our manager then addressed some rumors which had come up.  Our manager told us the integrity of the team would not be sacrificed for the stupidity of one person.  When you read between the lines and get to the bottom of the problem, you realize someone got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.  Now we all have to guard our actions to avoid any potential trouble.

Being prepared and on time

I have been reminded a lot over the past few days of the importance of being on time and being prepared for a situation.  Being prepared for a situation means you can adapt your actions to achieve the best results.  Being on time allows you cushion you need to prepare.  I have watched my peers fail miserably recently due to lack of preparation and tardiness.

Current Desktop Wallpaper

I have a quote as my current desktop wallpaper.  It says:  "No matter how useless you feel, you give someone a reason to smile."  Powerful words.

Beyond Lazy

Over the past few days there have been several incidents which remind me of how extremely lazy some people can be.  Of course I am referring to my wife in this case.  Friday morning I got up and prepared for work.  I placed a load of dirty clothes in the washer and started the machine.  About an hour later I called back and spoke with my wife.  I asked her to put the wet clothes in the dryer.  I also told her to complete some paperwork related to her disability claim which was on my desk.  Around noon I went to lunch.  I stopped by the house to grab something on my way back to work.  Guess where the clothes were?  Still in the washer.  The paperwork?  Still on my desk.  My wife.  In the bed asleep in the middle of the day.  So let's move on to yesterday.  I received a call from my wife asking if I got her message.  I had not checked my phone so I was unaware of the text she had sent.  She asked if she could have money to purchase burgers and fries for the family to eat.  I asked if we had food in the house.  Her response was "yeah but I don't feel like cooking."  Really?  Are you serious?  What kind of mother is too lazy to cook for her children?  And to top yesterday off, the leftover food remains on top of the stove uncovered.  So you have wasted food by being too lazy to properly store it.  Every time I think we may be making a little progress into being financially  ok, she pulls one of these numbers and reminds me she doesn't care enough to help save our future.

Doctor's Visit

I had yet another doctor's visit yesterday.  This trip actually went fairly well.  I was a little more prepared and  had actually been following the plan a little better.  We discussed the patterns of when my blood sugars would be high and when they would go low.  We made a couple of adjustments to my insulin regiment to try and compensate for the patterns.  The doctor also cut my cholesterol medicine in half because she felt the pills were working almost too well.  Who would have ever thought I was actually doing something right about my health?  No protein showed up in my other test which means the kidneys and liver are working fine.  All in all a decent visit.  I go back in six weeks.  We'll see if I can maintain or improve on my current status.

Can't Afford the Foolishness

I should have known this past weekend was going to cost a lot more than I anticipated.  I had planned on recovering some of the money I invested from entrance fees paid by some of the guests.  I should have known better.  I also anticipated being able to spend the whole night and enjoying a nice breakfast courtesy of the hotel.  The actions of some of my peers prevented this also.  Their actions did not however, stop the hotel from charging my card as if I stayed the entire night.  I thought about disputing the charge for a brief second and realized it was pointless.  We used the room and we were put out.  We were responsible for paying.  Correction, I was responsible for paying.  I consider it a lesson learned.  I can’t afford the foolishness in the future.  I just added to total for the room, the alcohol I purchased and the food.  Total came to around $500.  If I had enjoyed myself as much as others and contributed to being thrown out I would not be so upset.  Considering I tapped out early in the night to avoid getting sick, I think it was a bad choice on my part.  You live and you learn.  The cost of others foolishness is a price I refuse to pay.  

Three Years Ago

Three years ago I had a once in a lifetime encounter with a friend.  We spent time alone and really got to know each other.  More importantly, I gained her trust.  Since that day three years ago I have prided myself as someone she can come to with any kind of problem.  I have tried my best to be there for her whenever she needs me.  Others have come and gone in her life.  I have tried to remain a constant.  She has returned the favor and bailed me out of trouble a couple of times.  More importantly, she has been a sounding board… someone I can vent to and not be judged.  The relationship I started three years ago is what has gotten me through the good and bad times over the months.  Three years ago, my life started over for the better.   

Repeat Failure

My dreams of academy success have been shattered again.  Apparently when my advisor called to reschedule my class, she did not look closely at my overall records.  Due to failing my last course, I have been dismissed from the university again.  I have the option to write an appeal letter to try and get re-instated.  The question is:  do I really want to do that?  Do I really want to try and get back in school and finish?  My mind obviously was not focused enough to get the work done.  Right now, I don't know what the best option is.  I have reached a point in my life that I never thought I would encounter.  I have reached a point where I continue to fail.  Failure never was an option in the past.  As I sit here today, I have learned to accept repeat failure.

Always on the Mind

I was walking through the store a couple of days ago and passed a jewelry holder.  I immediately had an idea of who would absolutely love the item.  I returned later to purchase the item and a gift bag to put it in.  It's time like that which remind me of how much you can care for someone.  When you reach a point in time where songs on the radio trigger thoughts of a person, you are into that person.  When you are driving and see a car like theirs and it makes your heart beat fast, you are into that person.  When you constantly wonder where a person is and what they are doing because you simply want to spend time with them, you are into that person.  The person is always on the mind and you should let he/she know they are constantly in your thoughts.

Temptation

We are all tempted throughout our lives.  How we react to the temptation helps define us as individuals.  Ever since we started having money problems due to my wife's unemployment, I have been tempted by different offers.  Let's take yesterday for example.  I received 3 offers in the mail even though my mortgage is two months behind and my car note is currently past due.  The first offer was for a credit card with a $1000 limit. I have not used credit cards since I went through debt consolidation years ago.  The second offer was from a local loan company.  The letter said I could get $2000 cash in a matter of minutes.  The third offer was the best of all.  It came from a local car dealership.  I was pre-approved for up to $35000 toward the purchase of a new vehicle.  Not bad for a guy who can't pay his bills on time.  I guess the good news is that I learned long ago how to not fall prey to temptation.  

What Does it Really Cost?

I was initially going to title this blog entry "The Best Things in Life are Free."  I thought about that title and what I wanted to say.  I discovered the two contradicted each other so I made a change.  What does it really cost?  I've been thinking about this all day because I wanted to come up with a cost for friendship and love.  You can't buy friends or love.  I don't care what anyone says.  You can invest money into the idea of someone being your friend.  You can buy things in an attempt to make someone love you.  You cannot buy friendship or love.  In order to be a true friend, you have to let down your defenses.  You have to let someone into your life intimately.  The same concept holds true for love.  In order for someone to love you, you have to give that person a part of your heart and your soul.  Once you make that decision, there is no going back.  That part of you belongs to them forever.  So going back to my initial question.  What does it really cost to be a true friend or to love someone?  It costs you to lose a part of yourself so you can become one with someone else.