2yr Anniversary

This is around the time 2 years ago that my wife had her first major breakdown and ended up in the psych ward of the local hospital.  With everything going on with us as far as bills and lack of money, I'm not too sure where her head is.  I don't know if she is going to just blow things off and hope I can handle it by myself or if she is going to panic and end up back in the hospital.  Only time will tell.   This is one anniversary, I do not look forward to celebrating on a yearly basis.

Three Sides to Every Story Revisited

Back in April of this year, I brought up the topic of three sides to every story as defined by Usher.  Recently at work, I feel I am running into the situation again.  There is a male supervisor who we will call Mr. A.  Mr. A is attracted to female supervisor Mrs. B.  Mrs. B. is married with 2 kids.  Mrs. B has become a close associate of mine in recent months.  Mr. A. has observed us talking and jumped to conclusions.  He has approached her on a couple of occasions inquiring if there is more us than the work relationship.  I think he has even gone so far as to ask other supervisors for information about Mrs. B and me.  This only helps to feed the fire of stupidity.  So now you have his side, her side and my side of the same situation.  Wonder which of us is telling the truth?    

Let Mouth Write a Check, Your Ass Can't Cash

My grandfather used to tell me all the time not to let my mouth write a check that my ass would not be able to cash.  Basically he was reminding me to be careful what I said because of potential consequences.  There was a recent incident at my job where such an event occurred.  Someone decided to write a big check with their mouth.  Actually, they wrote the check and then tried to change the value of the check.  In the end, the check was completely voided.  Her ass could not cash that check and the consequences of her actions surpassed anything that anyone there expected.

WTF Moment: You Wanna See My Daddy?

Today my wife wanted me to go with her to a doctor's appointment.  It's my day off so I agreed.  I decided to hear my hat because it was colder than normal outside.  I grabbed my sunglasses and headed for the truck.  Once we were seated and about to pull out of the driveway, my turned and looked me.  Her next statement caught me off guard and my response showed my disapproval.  It went something like this.

Her (looking at me pondering):  This is a completely random thought but I would love to see your daddy.
Me:  I don't want to see that motherfucker if it is the day past forever.

I guess she was wondering if I actually looked like my donor (yes I said donor, not dad).  For those of you who are wondering, I look like my mother.  As far as I am concerned, I have no father.

Destructive Thinking

I've avoided doing anything completely stupid ever since my wife stopped working.  I have tried my best to maintain a level head and not let the stress get to me.  Unfortunately, I am human.  I do have a breaking point.  I think I am starting to reach the point a lot faster than I would like.  Thursday, a situation happened with my wife which truly aggravated me.  I went to the store and purchased a snack along with a bottle of wine.  I drank the whole bottle of wine by myself in less than an hour.  Looking back, I realize that was not a smart move.  I also realize I am reaching a point where drinking something and sleeping off the alcohol seems like a great idea.  That's not what I need in my life.  That's destructive thinking.  I need to refocus my energy and find a positive outlet.

Can't Maintain Good Habits

Yesterday I was thinking about the fact I am unable to maintain any basic healthy habits for extended periods of time.  I get on healthy kicks for days/weeks/month at a time and then forget all about it.  One example of this is taking vitamins.  Earlier this year I made it a point to take a vitamin everyday.  I even got to the point where I purchased the vitamin packs with 7 pills in each to help support my overall health due to diabetes.  I haven't taken a vitamin in at least 2 months now.  Another example of starting and stopping healthy habits is exercise.  The month leading into the Halloween party I was all about exercise.  I started working out at least 15 minutes a day for 4 or 5 days a week trying to get toned for the party.  I haven't lifted a weight, did a push up or sit up since the week before the party.  Good news is I am small framed so it does not take much effort for me to shape up to how I like to look.  As I sit here with a bottle of water in my hand, I think about another failed healthy habit.  I always go back and forth with drinking water.  In the last 4 hours, I have consumed 2 bottled waters.  I probably won't drink anymore water for at least a week.  I don't know why I can't maintain healthy habits.

Power of a Smile

I was reminded of the power of a smile on Wednesday.  I was upset about something which occurred at home.  I went to the store to clear my head.  I got out of my vehicle with this look of disgust and was focused on making my purchase and leaving.  As I walked down the aisle of the store, I got behind a young lady.  Realizing my pace was quicker than hers I attempted to sidestep and pass her.  At this time, she turned her cart and almost bumped me.  She stopped short, said sorry and went around me.  As she walked away she smiled.  That was it.  Her smile was so warm and friendly my entire demeanor changed.  I was reminded of why I try to always be nice at work.  Something as simple as a smile can change everything about a person.

Dipping in the company pool

My manager met with the team this week as we always do.  We talked about upcoming company changes and preparations for 2013.  After we all provided our input, the females in our group were asked to leave.  Our manager then addressed some rumors which had come up.  Our manager told us the integrity of the team would not be sacrificed for the stupidity of one person.  When you read between the lines and get to the bottom of the problem, you realize someone got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.  Now we all have to guard our actions to avoid any potential trouble.

Being prepared and on time

I have been reminded a lot over the past few days of the importance of being on time and being prepared for a situation.  Being prepared for a situation means you can adapt your actions to achieve the best results.  Being on time allows you cushion you need to prepare.  I have watched my peers fail miserably recently due to lack of preparation and tardiness.

Current Desktop Wallpaper

I have a quote as my current desktop wallpaper.  It says:  "No matter how useless you feel, you give someone a reason to smile."  Powerful words.

Beyond Lazy

Over the past few days there have been several incidents which remind me of how extremely lazy some people can be.  Of course I am referring to my wife in this case.  Friday morning I got up and prepared for work.  I placed a load of dirty clothes in the washer and started the machine.  About an hour later I called back and spoke with my wife.  I asked her to put the wet clothes in the dryer.  I also told her to complete some paperwork related to her disability claim which was on my desk.  Around noon I went to lunch.  I stopped by the house to grab something on my way back to work.  Guess where the clothes were?  Still in the washer.  The paperwork?  Still on my desk.  My wife.  In the bed asleep in the middle of the day.  So let's move on to yesterday.  I received a call from my wife asking if I got her message.  I had not checked my phone so I was unaware of the text she had sent.  She asked if she could have money to purchase burgers and fries for the family to eat.  I asked if we had food in the house.  Her response was "yeah but I don't feel like cooking."  Really?  Are you serious?  What kind of mother is too lazy to cook for her children?  And to top yesterday off, the leftover food remains on top of the stove uncovered.  So you have wasted food by being too lazy to properly store it.  Every time I think we may be making a little progress into being financially  ok, she pulls one of these numbers and reminds me she doesn't care enough to help save our future.

Doctor's Visit

I had yet another doctor's visit yesterday.  This trip actually went fairly well.  I was a little more prepared and  had actually been following the plan a little better.  We discussed the patterns of when my blood sugars would be high and when they would go low.  We made a couple of adjustments to my insulin regiment to try and compensate for the patterns.  The doctor also cut my cholesterol medicine in half because she felt the pills were working almost too well.  Who would have ever thought I was actually doing something right about my health?  No protein showed up in my other test which means the kidneys and liver are working fine.  All in all a decent visit.  I go back in six weeks.  We'll see if I can maintain or improve on my current status.

Can't Afford the Foolishness

I should have known this past weekend was going to cost a lot more than I anticipated.  I had planned on recovering some of the money I invested from entrance fees paid by some of the guests.  I should have known better.  I also anticipated being able to spend the whole night and enjoying a nice breakfast courtesy of the hotel.  The actions of some of my peers prevented this also.  Their actions did not however, stop the hotel from charging my card as if I stayed the entire night.  I thought about disputing the charge for a brief second and realized it was pointless.  We used the room and we were put out.  We were responsible for paying.  Correction, I was responsible for paying.  I consider it a lesson learned.  I can’t afford the foolishness in the future.  I just added to total for the room, the alcohol I purchased and the food.  Total came to around $500.  If I had enjoyed myself as much as others and contributed to being thrown out I would not be so upset.  Considering I tapped out early in the night to avoid getting sick, I think it was a bad choice on my part.  You live and you learn.  The cost of others foolishness is a price I refuse to pay.  

Three Years Ago

Three years ago I had a once in a lifetime encounter with a friend.  We spent time alone and really got to know each other.  More importantly, I gained her trust.  Since that day three years ago I have prided myself as someone she can come to with any kind of problem.  I have tried my best to be there for her whenever she needs me.  Others have come and gone in her life.  I have tried to remain a constant.  She has returned the favor and bailed me out of trouble a couple of times.  More importantly, she has been a sounding board… someone I can vent to and not be judged.  The relationship I started three years ago is what has gotten me through the good and bad times over the months.  Three years ago, my life started over for the better.   

Repeat Failure

My dreams of academy success have been shattered again.  Apparently when my advisor called to reschedule my class, she did not look closely at my overall records.  Due to failing my last course, I have been dismissed from the university again.  I have the option to write an appeal letter to try and get re-instated.  The question is:  do I really want to do that?  Do I really want to try and get back in school and finish?  My mind obviously was not focused enough to get the work done.  Right now, I don't know what the best option is.  I have reached a point in my life that I never thought I would encounter.  I have reached a point where I continue to fail.  Failure never was an option in the past.  As I sit here today, I have learned to accept repeat failure.

Always on the Mind

I was walking through the store a couple of days ago and passed a jewelry holder.  I immediately had an idea of who would absolutely love the item.  I returned later to purchase the item and a gift bag to put it in.  It's time like that which remind me of how much you can care for someone.  When you reach a point in time where songs on the radio trigger thoughts of a person, you are into that person.  When you are driving and see a car like theirs and it makes your heart beat fast, you are into that person.  When you constantly wonder where a person is and what they are doing because you simply want to spend time with them, you are into that person.  The person is always on the mind and you should let he/she know they are constantly in your thoughts.

Temptation

We are all tempted throughout our lives.  How we react to the temptation helps define us as individuals.  Ever since we started having money problems due to my wife's unemployment, I have been tempted by different offers.  Let's take yesterday for example.  I received 3 offers in the mail even though my mortgage is two months behind and my car note is currently past due.  The first offer was for a credit card with a $1000 limit. I have not used credit cards since I went through debt consolidation years ago.  The second offer was from a local loan company.  The letter said I could get $2000 cash in a matter of minutes.  The third offer was the best of all.  It came from a local car dealership.  I was pre-approved for up to $35000 toward the purchase of a new vehicle.  Not bad for a guy who can't pay his bills on time.  I guess the good news is that I learned long ago how to not fall prey to temptation.  

What Does it Really Cost?

I was initially going to title this blog entry "The Best Things in Life are Free."  I thought about that title and what I wanted to say.  I discovered the two contradicted each other so I made a change.  What does it really cost?  I've been thinking about this all day because I wanted to come up with a cost for friendship and love.  You can't buy friends or love.  I don't care what anyone says.  You can invest money into the idea of someone being your friend.  You can buy things in an attempt to make someone love you.  You cannot buy friendship or love.  In order to be a true friend, you have to let down your defenses.  You have to let someone into your life intimately.  The same concept holds true for love.  In order for someone to love you, you have to give that person a part of your heart and your soul.  Once you make that decision, there is no going back.  That part of you belongs to them forever.  So going back to my initial question.  What does it really cost to be a true friend or to love someone?  It costs you to lose a part of yourself so you can become one with someone else.

Take Responsibility for your Actions

I've decided on the need to expand a little bit about the outcome of Halloween 2012.  As you may have learned in my previous post, we were asked to leave our location because of reports of too much noise coming from our room.  At the time of the second complaint, I was actually asleep.  Knowing the people in the room at the time, I came look to one person in particular for being loud.  I need people to take responsibility for their actions.  If you know you are naturally loud and have been asked to be quiet, your priority should be adjusting your voice level.  Getting upset and talking trash does not resolve the issue.  I could not be upset about what happened.  We deserved to be asked to leave.  I am simply upset the problem could have been avoided if someone acted like an adult and took responsibility for their actions.

Halloween 2012

This year's Halloween gathering was nothing short of hilarious.  I got see some old faces who I had been missing and a newcomer came to our event.  Things started off as usual but the end was like nothing we have ever experienced.  I finished my day at work and left the office.  I stopped to get some gas and some bags of ice.  I headed to the hotel and met up with one of the other party organizers.  We checked in and started to set things up.  My newcomer called and said she was en route.  She arrived and we continued to set things up.  The other organizer showed up.  At this time, we decided to go downstairs to the bar.  My newcomer was hungry so she rode with me to pick up the pizza and wings.  We met another party goer upon our return. She had arrived with rotel and cupcakes.  Once back in the room, the foolishness began.  We started drinking and acting silly.  My newcomer received an emergency phone call and had to leave.  I walked her out and hopped in my vehicle to go on a battery run.  A few more guests had arrived.  Later in the night, the representative from the front desk knocked on the door.  Apparently someone complained about the level of noise coming from our room.  We agreed to tone it down.  We continued to play games and act silly.  Two more young ladies showed up and we continued to have fun.  I decided to remove myself from the drinking part of the party remembering what happened last time.  I decided to go lay down.   I had a great conversation with one of the guys about my potential and what I should be looking to do with my life.  After that I was joined in the bed by one of my female friends.  We ended up dozing off while the others continued to play games and talk.  At about 430a, we received a call from the front desk.  Another noise complaint.  This time things were a little more serious.  Two noise complaints in one night equals getting put out of the hotel.  We started to pack our things.  As we were packing and cleaning up, the lady from the front desk arrived with 2 officers.  We continued to pack up under the watchful eyes of the officers.  We started a conversation with them and actually started laughing and joking with them before leaving.  We loaded our cars and went home.  Now as long as we have been having Halloween parties or any party for that matter at this location, we have never told to leave.  I guess there is a first time for everything.

WTF Moment - Hoochie Mama

I took my kids to a community trick or treat event last night.  There were plenty of youngsters there in various costumes:  superheros, villians, pirates, princesses, aliens, skulls and angry birds.  One family did the entire cast of the Wizard of Oz.  While walking around the event I saw something which blew my mind.  A young lady, mid 20s at best, walked past us wearing some of the shortest shorts I have ever seen.  They were so short she tried to pull them down as she walked to cover her legs but to no avail. Add to that the fact she was wearing a spaghetti strap top and there you have the complete hoochie mama ensemble.  WTF?  Who wears something that trashy to a family event?  Needless to say, she was there without a child.  I was so disgusted by her appearance that when we came across her a second time, I told my kids it was time to go.  I did not want to expose them to that trash any more.  I did not want my daughters thinking that dressing like a hoochie mama in public was appropriate.  She was not the only one dressed poorly.  There were several other ladies wearing low cut shirts - low to the point they had to keep tugging to keep from having a wardrobe malfunction.  Once again, WTF?  Why did you walk out of your house going to a public, family oriented event dressed like a whore?  I guess some people have no self respect.

Another Chance

My student advisor called me yesterday and told me that we needed to reschedule my last class.  She explained that because I failed the class my GPA fell below 3.0 and that I may have to take an additional class to graduate with the required 3.0 average.  The class is not available again until November 20.  That will be another chance to achieve my goal.  That will be another chance to prove to myself what I am made of.  Many people don't get a second chance at life.  I have to make sure I don't blow this one.

Limited Education

Being the person I am, I often take for granted the limited education of others.  I work in a technology field and expect those who work with me to have more than a basic knowledge of computers, internet, email, etc.  I have to remind myself that the minimum requirements to get hired for a job are a super basic knowledge of computers and internet.  The rest, supposedly, can be taught during training.  The same holds true when dealing with the nephew.  I take for granted he is 22 with the mentality of a 17yr old.  I encouraged him to open a checking account as well as a savings account to help manage his finances.  It now seems that he has questions every week about banking.  I take for granted that with his limited education, dealing with him is like dealing with another child rather than an adult.

I saw Death around the corner

We lost one of our dogs on Thursday.  I knew she was sick and hoped to get her to the vet Thursday but we were too late.  All the signs were there but I chose not to act because I felt we could not afford a vet visit.  Granted the dog was old, I thought part of her behavior was just related to her age.  Normally she would go outside every morning with the other dog to use the bathroom but for the last week or so she would not.  She chose to pee in the house in various spots.  She was not eating or drinking water.  The tell-tale sign that should have jumped out at me is that she was throwing up.  She was so sick that when she did throw up, she wouldn't even move from the spot.  She just laid there.  The kids are aware of our loss.  The 3yr old was told by my wife that the dog is gone to be with God.  The other 2 are old enough to understand death and are dealing with it.  I regret losing that dog.  I regret seeing Death around the corner and not being able to stop it.

Scared

This is a text conversation between my wife and myself.

Her:  I'm scared
Me:  Why?
Her:  I feel like I've ruined us and I'm scared I can't fix it.

Now I find it amazing that over the course of the last 5 months when I have tried talking, begging and screaming at her to take our situation seriously, my wife seemed to care less.  The mortgage company sends a letter in the mail stating they are ready to start foreclosure procedures and now all of a sudden she is scared.  She is right to be scared.  I can't get us out of this situation by myself.  Either she is going to step up or we are going to get put out.

Help from a Surprising Source

We may have come across a way to get back on track with our bills.  My sister in law is willing to loan us some money to help get things caught up and to prevent our mortgage company from starting foreclosure procedures.  Hopefully this will be the break we need to try and turn things around.  I have to admit, I was at my wit's end.  I had no idea what to do to start repairing the damage to our financial situation caused by my wife's unemployment.  I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that this help from a surprising source is enough.

Never Have I Ever

Never have I ever been in a financial bind like the one I am currently facing.  I've had situations where bills have gone past due.  I've had situations where an organization calls daily for payment.  I've had situations where past due bills have been turned over to a professional debt collector.  But never have I ever been worried about losing my house because we have never been this far behind on bills.

WTF Moment - We Got Robbed

This past Wednesday my wife sent a strange text message.  She asked if I had the Nintendo Wii.  Now there have been a couple of times I have taken the console out of the house but I always made her aware so she would not worry.  This time, I did not have the console.  The kids did not know what happened to it.  We checked with the nephew and he had not seen it either.  Only one possible solution.  We got robbed.  Someone came into our house and took the Wii.  WTF?!  The funny part about it is that it must have been a child because all they took was the console and the cords.  They did not grab any of the accessories.  They did not take the dvd player that was sitting next to the Wii.  They did not grab anything else in the house but the Wii.  I hope they enjoy it.

Sharing My Experiences

I stopped at WalMart on my way to work the other day to grab some glucose tablets.  I picked up 5 assorted flavors and header for the register.  The cashier looked at the tablets and asked if I took them for energy.  I explained to her that I am diabetic and I take them when my sugar gets below normal.  She looked at me and said, you look good to be diabetic.  You must take good care of yourself.  We continued to chat for a minutes and I provided her with as much info as I could in the timeframe.  I feel that was a great opportunity to share my experiences and point someone in the right direction.

WTF Moment - Thru the Window

I have training all this week at my full time job.  Yesterday afternoon while I was in training, I received a call from my wife stating she had locked herself out of the house.  First of all, it was 230p.  No one was home but her and the dogs.  Why would you pull the door up behind you if you were going out and coming back in?  It's not like we have infants at the house.  So I explained the trainer I needed to head home and would return in about 30 minutes.  While en route to the home she texted me and said she got in the house.  My question was how.  After a brief delay, she informed me that the little boy from across the street climbed thru the window and let her in.  WTF?  Really?  So you have now let these people know that they could enter our house at any given time.  Sorry, I don't trust my neighbors with that type of information.  So my next home improvement project will be to make sure all the windows are secured and can't be opened from the outside.

Can't Win Regardless

The manager at my part time job was out of town last week.  During his absence, I felt we did pretty good.   Our food cost was good.  We exceeded projected sales.  We even managed to save man hours.  But this was not good enough.  His boss had to find something to complain about and we all know how the trickle down effect goes.  It's times like that when I feel I can't win regardless.  Despite all the good things that happened, the company chose to focus on the one bad thing.  Whatever happened to celebrating success?

Stop Being Selfish

This past Sunday I was home cutting my hair during my down time between the two jobs.  My wife decided to come into the bathroom and strike up a conversation. Bad idea.  While we were talking she asked what did I think about her currently.  I told her I would rather not address that question at the time because I did not want to cut my with the razor due to being aggravated.  We kept talking and she said something about what she wanted.  It was at that point in time when I told her my thoughts.  I told her she was being selfish.  I told her she needed to stop thinking about herself and start thinking about her daughters.  I told her I did not enjoy getting phone calls daily from bill collectors and not being able to set up payment arrangements.  She just did her usual.  She dropped her head and didn't respond.  Typical and selfish.  Rather than address the issue, she hopes it will go away or I will fix it.  Problem is, I can't fix her.  She has to want to fix herself.

Sometimes I Hate Being Me

There are times in life when I really wish I could be someone else.  There are times when I wish I was not the person everyone tries to make me out to be.  I am currently looked upon as a leader and a go to person.  I'm dependable.  I'm consistent. Take for example the fact that our store manager went out of town on vacation this week.  In his absence, the assistant manager, the other 2 shift leaders and myself are in charge.  Last night all four of us were at work.  With the manager being out of town, we shifted our usual Friday night job responsibilities around.  He called me and asked how things were going.  Sales were down and labor cost was high.  Before I could tell him I was not the one running the shift like a typical Friday, he told me to fix the problems.  So at that point in time, the burden fell on me.  I started making adjustments to try and turn things around.  I tried to get the assistance of the other management staff but they were too busy with personal stuff to help.  I got things fixed to the best of my ability.  But those are the types of situations that make me hate being me.

It's About How You Say It

I went to pick my kids up from daycare today as I normally do.  There was a bill invoice attached to one of their folders to let me know how much was owed.  When I open the invoice, I was not surprised by the total of $929.  What shocked me was the handwritten message on the invoice which read "A payment must be made today. Thanks."  I grabbed my girls and walked out the front door.  I put them in the truck, turned the radio station to Disney and walked back in the building.  I wrote a check for $279 to cover at least one week of daycare and some field trip fees.  The owner looked at me and stated, "I hope you didn't take that message the wrong way.  I was discussing your bill with --- this morning when she printed the invoices out.  I guess --- took it upon herself to add the handwritten part."  I looked at her and said, "no problem.  I understand this is not a free service and payment must be made."  What I didn't say to her was how pissed I truly was at the situation.  It's not the fact that you needed to remind us to make a payment.  It's the way the message was conveyed that got under my skin. 

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

This should have been my last week of online classes.
This could have been the final step before earning a Masters Degree.
This would have been a time to celebrate if I wasn't so weak.

WTF Moment - No Money, More Problems

I was cutting my hair last night when my wife walked into the bathroom.  She said she needed to tell me something that would probably make me mad.  She asked if I wanted to hear it then or later.  I told her to go ahead and spill it because I was less likely to get truly aggravated while cutting my hair because I would not mess up my looks dealing with her.  She informed me that she overdrafted her account by paying for some school pictures that our daughter took this week.  What the fuck?!  How do you knowingly spend money that you don't have when you have no source of income?  More importantly, why overdraft your account on something that you don't need?  Who does that stupid shit?  She continues to dig us a deeper financial hole and now she is starting to pull dirt in on top of us.  I'm tired of trying to climb out and drag everybody with me.  I think I am at the point where either we are all doomed or I am going to do everything I can to save my girls.  To hell with the wife.  She's not worth the effort of trying to save anymore. 

She Doesn't Want to Work

Yesterday morning I had a conversation with my wife about our current financial state due to her unemployment.  She went to take the kids to daycare and run some "errands."  She sent me a text stating she had applied for a job.  Last night we were talking again and I asked her how many other jobs she had applied to in recent weeks because I had been sending her positions I thought she was qualified for.  Her response was "none."  She couldn't even look at me when she talked.  She told me that she wanted income but did not want to have to deal with deadlines and quotas.  I told her that even if she was self-employed she would have to meet somebody's deadlines by providing a service or product.  So now that she finally came out and said it, I told her she might as well start preparing herself to lose everything we have.  Simply because she doesn't want to work.

Different Look, Same Person

I had to go the my doctor's office today to change an appointment due to some training at work.  Normally, my doctor's visits are scheduled on work days so I show up in a button down shirt and tie.  Today was my off days so I was wearing a graphic tee, some jeans and a pair of walking shoes.  One of the nurses who usually works with me had this confused look on her face.  She stated, "so this is how you look when you are not at work?  I like the casual you a lot better.  I usually feel like I have to fix my posture when you come in looking all professional in your business attire." We laughed and joked for a few minutes about the difference in my appearance.  I always find it amazing how we can sometimes be oblivious to how much attention people give us.  I never would have thought the nurse would have pointed out the difference in my appearance because I am still the same person. 

Living up to Expectations

Next week is National Customer Service Week.  My job, like many others across the country, has a lineup of themed days and activities to make next week a fun time for employees.  With that being said, one of the themes for this year is Throwback Day.  The expectation is to wear clothing from a previous decade.  I am known at my job for wearing silly outfits when given the opportunity.  Everyone has been asking for clues as to what I will be wearing.  I think this year however, I won't live up to the expectations of my subordinates, my peers and my managers.  This year, I won't come to work in some wild outfit that everyone wants to photograph.  This year, I'm going to simply come to work and do my job.  I wonder if coming to work and performing my normal job function will live up to their expectations.  

Having Sex vs Making Love

I've been thinking about a lot of things in my life lately and this topic jumped out at me yesterday.  A while back a female friend and I had a conversation about the difference between having sex and making love.  We concluded the difference in the two was the amount of intimacy involved.  Sex is simply the physical act. It's just two naked people having some type of intercourse.  No feelings, no emotion, just sex.  Making love on the other hand, involves being in a relationship with a person.  Making love means that you are deeply into a person and their desires.  Making love transcends the physical act and actually does not require intercourse.  You can make love to a person simply through touching and kissing.  With all that in mind, I realized that my wife and I stopped making love a long time ago.  Now it's simply sex.  We're talking basically no foreplay, five minutes of humping and call it a day.  To further solidify this justification is how intercourse is approached.  I have finally gotten her to stop saying things like "Let's fuck" or "I wanna fuck."  At least now she will say "I want sex" or ask "can we have sex?"  Please notice that in none of her statements is any mention of love.  Guess that shows the difference between having sex and making love.

Intriguing Quote

I saw this quote on the internet today and it really hit me. 

Live and Let Go

How do you live if you’re ruled by your past?  And how do you let go of a past that made you?

I’ve been thinking about both those questions since I initially ran across the quote.  I’m still searching for the answers.

Procrastination Finally Leads to Failure

I usually pride myself on my procrastination skills.  I am one of those people who wait until the last minute to accomplish certain tasks that require critical thinking because it forces me to focus.  Well, I finally ran into a situation where procrastination is going to cost me everything I have worked for.  I have failed to turn in my assignments for my current online class by the due dates.  As a result, I have received 0's for the assignments and at this point cannot pass the class.  I don't know what the future holds for me now.  What I do know is that procrastination has finally led to a failure. 

Denied

Sometimes in life we want things to happen to people to teach them a lesson.  The problem comes when that lesson affects innocent bystanders.  My wife told me yesterday that she received the denial letter for her disability.  I kept telling her to not depend on getting disability because even if she was approved, it would not be enough for us to get by.  Now, she won't be getting disability and she has not been actively searching for a job so that puts us even further behind.  My biggest concern right now is my children.  I don't know how I will look them in the face and tell them they can't do things or have things because we can't afford it.  I have sacrificed so much to make sure my girls are taken care of.  I guess I was denied my happily ever after that you always read about in fairy tales.

Recipe for Trouble

Employees and customers alike know that weekends are a busy time for fast food restaurants.  The blunt of revenue for an establishment comes on Friday and or Saturday.  With football season starting to get into swing, I knew we were going to be busy yesterday.  What I didn't know was that we were going to be short-handed and busy.  Let me rephrase that.  We weren't shorthanded.  I didn't have the experienced crew members to handle what happened.  Things were running smoothly at first.  We were steady but not real busy.  Then all of a sudden, from out of no where, we had customers galore.  In order to try and keep up with the demand, one of the crew members moved from her position of packaging food to making orders.  Big mistake.  In doing so, she let the food get backed up in the oven.  We had at least 7 orders get burned up completely and had to be remade.  Needless to say, there were some unhappy customers.  The recipe for trouble is very simple.  Take one part increase in business, add a handful of inexperience and a pinch of laziness.  Shake well.  Watch the mess unfold.

How High

I was at work today and walked in on a conversation between two of my female associates.  Female #1 was telling female #2 that she had gotten high for the first time in her life this past week.  As she was talking about her experience female #1 mentioned that they had used some kush in the joint.  At this point in time female #2 stated, "They were wrong for that.  They should have started you off on something a little less potent."  So at this point you should realize female #2 gets high all the time.  Female#1 relived her experience and told us about how the weed made her overanalyze everything.  She also realized, in the words of Katt Williams, smoking weed put some "fuck it" in her system because her responses were completely unfiltered.  Listening to them talk was more than enough to remind me why I don't do drugs.  How high do I like to get?  My feet never leave the ground.

WTF Moment - Scratching the Surface

I was in the driveway today getting into my truck when I glanced at the passenger side of the van.  I noticed a streak on the side.  At first I thought one of the kids had drawn in the dirt.  Then I noticed that the side mirror was folded in.  Closer inspection revealed that something had scraped the van and left scratches on the back of the side view mirror and passenger door.  I asked my wife was she aware of this.  She laughed and informed me she hit something.  She wouldn't tell me what she made contact with.  WTF?  How are you going to hit something and think it's funny?  Oh well.  Long as no one was hurt and no one is seeking property damage, we should be good.  

Doctor Visit

I had another doctor visit this morning.  Things actually went pretty well this time despite some concerns.  I gained four pounds over the course of the last month.  My A1c increased back up to 10 meaning my blood sugars have been averaging in the 240 range.  A quick discussion with the diabetic educator helped us realize the increased number was due to me not testing and taking my medicine properly 3-4 weeks ago when I was dealing with the stress of my wife not working.  I have done a lot better the past 2 weeks.  Because of my renewed motivation to take care of myself, the doctor decided not to change any of my medications or doses.  I just have to do a better job of checking my sugar and taking my medicine.

Too Fast

I was at work the other day and one of my peers asked me a question.  I provided a response.  She asked me to repeat the answer so I said it again.  At this point in time she said, "Has anyone ever told you that you talk too fast?  I can't understand anything you are saying."  I looked at her, laughed and informed her that I had been told my rate of speech was too fast a few times in the past.  I slowed myself down to give her the information she needed.  She reminded my that sometimes we take life at a break neck pace.  My real friends know that I am borderline ADHD.  I can't sit still for very long.  I have to be doing something.  My mind is always racing.  I sometimes think that is part of my problem.  I can never focus on one thing for very long.  But I am always able to get the job done.

WTF Moment - Who Does That Shit?

Decided to share a quick WTF moment this morning.  My oldest daughter joined an organization at school has competitions out of town.  Today was one of those days.  My wife decided she wanted to attend the event.  She asked the nephew if he wanted to go along with her.  He agreed.  He asked if his girlfriend could also go along with them.  My wife agreed.  So when I came home last night, I found my nephew's girlfriend asleep on my living room couch.  I acted as if she was not even there and went about my normal routine.  This morning, she is accompanying my family to the competition.  WTF?  Who does that shit?  No disrespect intended but this bitch ain't family.  She still getting her feet wet.  And if history is any indicator of my nephew and his relationships, she'll be gone before Thanksgiving.

Absence Does Not Make the Heart Grow Fonder

Whoever coined the phrase "absence makes the heart go fonder," was obviously not in love.  The person who came up with that quote was trying to sell greeting cards.  Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.  Absence weakens the heart and the soul.  Absence plays with your emotions.  Absence makes you think of all the things you should have done and should have said when that person was with you.  When you are used to being with someone you love, being without them is almost impossible.  Being away from someone you love makes you think crazy thoughts about what you are willing to do to be with that person.  Many of us would make a deal with Satan himself in order to be with someone we love.  Personally, I would do it in a heartbeat. 

Misunderstanding

Somewhere along this recent journey with my wife since being released from her teaching duties and planning her next move, there was a communication breakdown.  We went to see her therapist yesterday.  My wife was in decent spirits and talkative.  She told the doctor about much of what is going on in her life right now.  She told the doctor that she has broken off communication with her male companion from school because he finally crossed the line and asked for sex. She told the doctor about how she was spending more time with the kids.  She told the doctor she had filed for disability.  This is where my misunderstanding took place.  I thought my wife was simply being lazy and not wanting to look for a job even though I was sending her locations that are hiring daily.  Comes to find out that she is under the impression that she can't work and collect social security.  To make matters worse, her therapist agreed with her and said my wife should look for something "off the books" like watching somebody's child a few hours a week for $20 or so.  We can't survive like that.  I am trying to get my wife to understand that we can't live off my income alone.  I am trying to get her to understand that she is not guaranteed social security disability benefits.  I am trying to get her to understand she can work and collect benefits.  I am trying to correct this misunderstanding but don't know if it's possible. 

I Should Have Known Better

I should have known better.  I should have thought about what I was told and the source it was coming from.  I should have realized that a leopard can't change its spots.  I should have known that you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  I was fed a lie and swallowed it hook, line and sinker.  I should have known that even though she looked me straight in my face and told me she was going to do better, that my wife was not going to change.  I should have known better. 

WTF - Misconceptions

I was at the store with my wife today and she made me think about how easy it is to make a misconception about someone, even if you think you know that person very well.  I was looking for one of those double-insulated cups to take to work to help improve my daily water consumption.  We found some at the end of one of the store rows.  I chose a black cup because as any one that knows me will tell you, black is my favorite color.  My wife gave me a strange look.  I asked her did she also want a cup or what was the problem.  After some more prodding on my part, she finally asked why I chose black.  I told her because I did not want the red, the blue, the orange or the pink cup(s).  She said I should pick one with a pattern and wanted to know why I always picked black for everything.  She said that people might think I am a “dark” soul because of my preference for black.  WTF?!  Just because black is my favorite color does not make me a dark soul.  I have a very warm and friendly personality.  I get along with everyone.  That’s the problem with the world today.  We form misconceptions based on what we “think” about people rather than what we actually “know” about them.

Unexpected Apology

I came home from work yesterday evening and proceeded to give my wife a rundown of my day as I prepared to go to my second job.  She walked up to me and said, “I owe you an apology.”  Now usually these statements are followed by how she has wasted money on something we did not need.  This time, however was different.  She told me that she was sorry for not being the wife that I deserve and that she was praying for us.  Apparently, the books she got for her birthday have caused some epiphany that years of me begging and yelling could not get through to her.  We will see how long this lasts and how far it will go.

Scent of Attraction

I am a firm believer that scent controls the way we see the world.  With that in mind, I think that it is ultra important to know what scent works well with your particular body chemistry.  To be in the presence of a woman wearing a perfume or body spray that matches her natural aroma sends shivers through my body.  I often joke with my female peers that I could just eat them up for smelling so good.  I have learned through trial and error that light fragrances work best for me.  I am not a “musk” kind of guy.  I currently have a couple of colognes that I live by along with four various body sprays.  A couple of weeks ago at work one of the agents needed my help.  I leaned over her while reading something on her computer and she commented, “Ooh you smell good.  What you wearing?”  I answered her question and moved on.  A few days later, the same agent came to my desk for assistance with another problem.  I was wearing something different on this day.  She made the statement, “There you go smelling good again.”  I laughed it off.  Last week, this same young lady again needed help.  As usual I walked to her desk and stood close enough to read the notes on her screen.  She leaned toward me and took a deep breath.  She then made the comment, “You know you always smell good.”  I am starting to wonder if she is just making those comments or if she is attracted to me.

WTF Moment - You Must Have Bumped Your Head

This upcoming Sunday is the nephew's birthday.  Initially after his wreck, I agreed that his girlfriend could come over to celebrate with him.  Obviously, since that first conversation, some things have changed.  Today as I was driving to work, he called and asked if he could use our van to drive to pick his girlfriend up.  Before I could even think, I had responded with "Hell to no nigga.  You know you ain't got no insurance and mine wont cover you."  Once that response had left my lips, I started wondering, What the Fuck was he thinking?  Oh well.  We all know how that ended.

WTF - I Feel Like Eminem

FYI - before you read any further, this entry is not for the week stomached.  Continue at your own risk.

So I was using the bathroom today like most normal people.  My wife was looking for me and decided to mess with the door.  I thought I had locked it but apparently the lock no longer really works because she walked right in.  Now most people would have laughed this off and closed the door.  Oh No.  Not my loving wife.  She decides to waltz right in and sit on the tub.  She then proceeds to have a conversation with me.  WTF?!!  Can't you see I'm tryna take a shit?  Can I get a little privacy?  Add to this the fact that my 3yr old is looking for "mommy" and decides to open the door.  This was the most uncomfortable bathroom break ever.  Now I truly know what Eminem meant when he said "cant take a shit without someone standing by it."

Can't Afford to be Healthy

Don't let the title throw you off track.  The reason I say I can't afford to be healthy is because currently I am unable to financially manage my disease.  Anyone suffering from a chronic disease will tell you that they get expensive quick.  When you have medicine that you have to take daily and monthly appointments, medical expenses become worse than utility bills.  I am currently in that type of situation.  Somehow I allowed my prescription my some of my diabetic testing supplies expire.  When I called the discount company to refill, I was told they needed to talk to my new doctor.  That was two weeks ago.  So for the past couple of weeks I have been flying by the seat of my pants, praying I don't get sick.  Yes it is possible to buy what I need off the shelf without a prescription but the cost is more than I am willing to pay.  Based on what I need and what I have available, I can't afford to be healthy.

Holiday - Smoliday

Most people look forward to the holidays.  Time off from work.  Time to spend with family and friends and enjoy life.  Not in my world.  This past Labor Day Holiday simply meant that my kids did not have to go to school and I was stuck at the house during the day dealing with them.  I still had to go to job #2 that evening.  Holidays work for people who use them for their true purpose.  In my world, a holiday is just another day on the calendar.

Being Petty

My wife and I were talking a couple of weeks ago and I learned how truly petty she could be.  We were discussing some of our favorite foods.  We got on the subject of candy bars.  She asked if I knew what her favorite one was.  I narrowed my choices to two and said it depended on if she had a cavity as to her preference.  She informed me that I was incorrect, partially.  Over time she had learned to love one of the candy bars I named.  Previously she had another favorite.  But, she the name of the candy bar was also the name of someone I was intrigued by during our college years but prior to our marriage, she stopped eating them all together.  All I could do was look at my wife and shake my head.  There is no way in the fuck I would stop eating my favorite candy because of someone's name.  But who am I to talk?  I'm not a petty person.

TH - Then and Now

This is one of those instances when I have too much time on my hands and read way too far into a situation.  I currently have a co-worker that I have taken a liking to.  Not only is she physically attractive but she is also very smart.  My ideal type of woman.  I am well aware that nothing could ever happen between us because she is happily married with children.  The friendship line was drawn in our sand long ago.  But the more I think about it, it's funny how life plays with the emotions.  She has the exact same initials as someone I was attracted to years ago.  She has one more syllable in her first name than her last name, just like my previous crush.  Both are/were slightly shorter than me with gorgeous hair.  Both are/were about business first and everything else second.  I wonder if life is telling me to check on my previous friend.  I haven't talked to her in years.  Or maybe life is trying to tell me to permanently close those doors.  Those are adventures I was never meant to pursue.  It didn't work out then and it sure as hell won't work out now.

Release Therapy

Call it laziness.  Call it fatigue.  Call it a combination of the two or none of the above.  I have been telling myself that I was going to blog about the events of the past week and a half but have failed to do so.  Maybe it was because I really don't want to throw out much of what has occurred.  Then again, maybe I just needed time to process and make sense of some situations.  Whatever the case, I'm going to blog about as much stuff as I can before I collapse into a sleep.  I've got to get some of these thoughts out of my system.  This is going to be my personal attempt at a little release therapy.

Why Me?

Last Saturday, I found myself in a very jacked up situation.  I had promised to pick someone up from work and take them home.  I had also promised to take the nephew's girlfriend home that night once I left work.  As I left the store Saturday night, I looked at my dashboard and it read "low tire pressure."  What the hell?  I got out and my back driver side tire was as flat as it could be.  I was the only person at the store so I had to change the tire by myself?  I texted my co-worker and explained I would be late due to the tire.  I did the same thing with the nephew's girlfriend as I frantically fought with the tire.  I called a friend and asked could I use her car to drop them off because I did not trust the spare tire on the highway.  Minutes later I received text messages saying each of them had found an alternate way home.  I was able to get the tire repaired on Sunday.  But why me?  Why when I try to be a good samaritan does the universe decide to kick me?

Financial Blessing

We received a financial blessing last week to help us through the current tough times.  My wife received the money from her retirement fund.  With that money we have tried to make a little headway in our financial situation.  We paid the van off so that should free up some money on my end.  We also paid off her store charge card.  The rest of the money is being used for miscellaneous things like replacing the windshield in her van and fees for the kids.  Hopefully this financial blessing will be a step in the right direction.

Devil at Play or God's Will?

A lot of things have happened in my life during the course of the last week.  Some good, some bad and some I am still working on.  Let's start with last Wednesday.  Due the anticipated increased volume due to Hurricane Isaac my manager asked me to come help at the store last Wednesday.  No complaints from me.  I'm all about getting an additional 8 hours on my paycheck.  That afternoon I received a phone call from the nephew.  He told me he had just been involved in an accident an he needed me to come get him.  Once I confirmed that he was ok I told him to call his Aunt because she was a lot closer to him than I was because I was at work.  He ended up going to the hospital because during the accident the driver side of his car impacted with a concrete wall.  He also was dumb enough to unbuckle his seatbelt to try and protect his girlfriend while the car was spinning out.  So the car is totaled and since he had not paid his insurance at the time, the company dropped him and will not assist with repairs or getting a replacement.  He has seen 2 doctors since then and is on a muscle relaxer and a pain reliever.  Needless to say, my plan to put his ass out at the end of this month has been postponed.  When I thought about the fact that he will still be here, I said to myself, "This aint nothing but the devil fucking with me."  One of my co-workers brought up a good point.  The accident may have been God's way of keeping him with me because I still need to teach him about being a man and a father.  We'll see who is running the show...God or the Devil.

WTF Moment - You Want Me to Babysit?

The nephew is always good for a WTF moment.  He never fails to ask or do something that is beyond the comprehension of most people.  He decided to call me last night while I was at work to ask me if I could spend my day off watching his one-year old while he paid bills and ran errands.  WTF?!  Why in the hell would I babysit for you on my day off?  Especially considering the fact that you not going to pay me for doing it?  Nigga, you done fell and bumped your head - hard.  Watch your own child.

I Want That Old Thing Back

I want that old thing back.  I want to get back to how I used to be.  I want to get back to not having to worry so much about working.  I want to get back to having fun.  I want to get back to watching tv shows each week.  I want to get back into video games.  I want to be able to chill with friends.  I want that old thing  back.

Help Me Understand

My wife and I were talking today which led to her becoming frustrated.  She said to me, "I wish people would understand that mental illness is a disease."  My response was that I understand that part.  It's a disease just like my diabetes.  But in order to get the help she needs for her disease, she has to do like me and talk to people to help them understand what is going on.  The average person has little to no knowledge of a serious medical ailment unless it has personally affected them or a family member.  That being said, I told her that I understand she has good and bad days, hell so do I.  But I don't let the bad days outnumber the good.  I don't let my disease control my life.  I just want her to understand that she can be in control of her life and back in charge if she really wants to.  Otherwise my lack of understanding will continue.

No Extended Stay

The nephew called me today and informed me that since they had cut his hours at work, his check was not as much as it normally it.  Due to this and his financial obligations (court fees, child support, car loan) he was basically in the hole before he started.  He wanted to know if I would reconsider my ultimatum and allow him to stay with us a little longer.  A simple one word answer was all that was necessary. "NO!"

People Dont Know Me

I had to give an associate of mine a ride home from work tonight.  When we arrived, she invited me in to meet her brother because the two of us had never formally been introduced.  I spoke to him and his guy friend.  Did I mention that her brother is gay?  After a few minutes of chatting, I told her that I needed to get home and get some sleep.  As I was driving home, I received a text message from her.  This is how the conversation went.

Her:  These fools so stupid
Me:  Now what?
Her:  They said you got sugar in your tank.  I told them that you are not gay.  They said you are undercover. They so stupid.
Me:  I like eating pussy too much to be gay.

End of conversation. Please don't try to judge me in you don't know me.

Doctor's Visit

I went to the doctor yesterday for my one month follow up.  Considering that I had not been testing like I was supposed to do to other things going on in my life, I was expecting to get a tongue-lashing.  The visit was quite the opposite.  My A1c was actually in the single digit range. Granted it was 9.6 which is still in the high zone, me being in single digits is quite an achievement.  I found out that I have lost 3 pounds in the course of a month.  Not good.  I can't afford to lost any weight. I'm sure my bad habits of eating junk food all the time and not eating meals throughout the day are to blame for the weight loss.  The doctor told me I need to continue on the path that I am on but turn it up a notch.  I need to test more often to know exactly what my medicine is doing to me.  I need to eat more (which is something you almost never hear in regards to a diabetic) to gain back the weight I lost and then put on some more pounds.  All in all, the visit went better than I anticipated.  My focus now is to improve even more before my next one month follow up visit.

No More Handouts

The nephew tried to call tonight while I was at work.  As usual I ignored his call.  I was sure he was not calling about anything life or death.  Otherwise he would have sent me a text.  A little while later he showed up at the restaurant.  He asked if he could get some free food.  I politely told him know.  This is a part of the lesson I am trying to teach him.  A while back I told him about hookups.  Hookups are nice to have but you can't rely on them all the time.  Granted I had given him free food on occasion in the past but considering he has lived rent and utility free for almost a year he can afford to buy something to eat.   Whether he buys something to eat or not, the fact remains the same, there are no more handouts.

Off her Meds

My wife decided to text me while I was at work today to let me know that she had a confession to make.  I knew this was not a conversation that I really wanted to deal with while at work but she seems to have a knack for only wanting to have these serious conversations via text or email.  She can't deal with me face to face.  Anyway, I prepared myself for whatever she could through at me, I thought.  I was hoping for her usual "I spent money we don't have on something we don't need."  Instead she decided to tell me that she had not taken her medication for a couple of days and that she had been flushing the pills.  She went on to say that she wanted to be better and off medication.  I thanked her for her honesty and told her she needed to consult with her doctor or his nurse to see how her body would react without those drugs in her system.  She was not fond of that idea.  I left it alone at that point because I saw no need to get upset at work.  Later in the day she spoke with my mother who convinced her to start taking the medication again.  I don't know the conversation consisted of but I am glad the wife is no longer off her meds...for now.

Opening Up

I recently realized that I have changed a lot in the last year or so.  I have started to open up a lot more.  There was a time in the past when my personal life was a mystery to my co-workers.  They knew I was married and had kids but that was it.  These days, I share a lot more information about my home life with my peers.  I am still careful as to who I tell what because some people can't be trusted with certain information.  For example, I work with a young lady who recently started seeing a therapist.  I let her know that my wife sees a therapist in that same building.  Normally, I would not divulge that type of information.  I have started to tell peers about the kids and their happenings at school.  I have even shared with some close people things like the fact that I sleep in a separate room than my wife.  I'm not too sure if it me becoming more comfortable with the people I work with since we have been together so long or if this release of information is therapy because I keep so much bottled up inside.  Whatever the reason, like a flower in the spring, I have opened up for people to see more details about me.

You and I are different

This week my job was celebrating a major milestone.  I was on one of the committees to help things run smoothly.  The actual celebration occurred on my normal day off but I chose to attend any way and help any way possible.  I ended up spending about 6-7 hours total at work on my day off.  Several of my peers who actually were supposed to be at work kept looking at me sideways.  I joked with them about the fact that I was working on my day off when in fact, I was there having fun.  It wasn't too long before one of them commented, "Oh. You just here so you can get a free day off."  I replied, "That's not why I'm here."  In my mind I thought to myself, you and I are different.  What sense does it make to work on a scheduled off day just to get another day off?  Especially since I rarely miss work anyway?  It is times like that when I realize I live by a completely different set of values and standards than many of my co-workers.

WTF Moment - Who's That Sleeping in the Bed 2?

I came home from work last night and as I walked into the house, I almost tripped over a child's car seat.  I did not recognize it as one of the ones we use.  I shook it off and walked to the bedroom to gather clothes for the next work day.  I walked into the room and was greeted to the site of my wife, my youngest and the nephew's one year old all in the bed asleep.  WTF?  The nephew has a room in our house that we have graciously let him occupy for damn near a year.  Why is it necessary for his child to sleep in a different room?      Sometimes all you can do is accept a situation and shake your head.

WTF Moment - Who's That Sleeping in the Bed?

I came home Saturday night from work and noticed a strange car in my driveway.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary looking at the house so I figured it was my nephew in someone else's car.  I walked into the house and put my stuff down.  I walked to the bedroom to gather my work clothes for the next day.  I walked into the room and was greeted by the site of my sister-in-law and wife asleep in the bed.  WTF?  Did no one think it was important to let me know that we were going to have a house guest, even if only for one night?  Good thing I don't sleep in the bed with my wife.  

I'm A Flirt

Anyone that knows me will tell you that I am a flirt.  Yes I'm married and have kids but I still act like a flirt.  It's not that I do it to try and make any gains.  I really think it is part of my character.  Blame it on my Aries zodiac sign.  Last week at the store we had one of those days where several very attractive ladies, young and old, came in.  I was joking with the other employees about a few of them.  The other manager told me that I was too old to be acting that way and that I was trying to see if I still had game.  I looked at her and said I know I still have game.  I have a certain charm about me that most people can't resist.  It's just who I am.  I'm a flirt.

I'm a Hustler

As with any fast food job, we are always encouraged to try and upsell additional products to customers.  I had a customer walk in last week and order 2 single topping pizzas.  I explained she could get some additional toppings at no extra charge.  I then talked her into getting a couple of side items.  Once the transaction was complete, she looked at me, smiled and said "You're a hustler.  I had no intention of spending that much money but you made it all sound so good."  I laughed and thanked her for her purchase.  I thought to myself, "Yes, I am a hustler.  More than you will ever know, mam."  

Showing Appreciation

Yesterday was one of those rare occasions at work where I was showed appreciation and it made me feel special.  One of the other groups was having a potluck yesterday.  They had mentioned to me previously but it had slipped my mind.  I heard them talking about the food during the early hours as lunch approached.  They went to lunch and had the potluck.  A few minutes later, the team supervisor walked up to my desk and said, "Come get something to eat.  They sent me out here and said to be sure that you got a plate.  You always take care of us so we are returning the favor."  I went in and grabbed some food and thanked every single member of the team for their hospitality.  It's times like that which make everything I do worth it.

Death Comes in 3s

Sometime during the course of my life, I heard the expression "Death Comes in 3s."  I don't know if this "3" was supposed to be three strikes and you're out or if the three represented the Holy Trinity.  What I do know is that between two people in my life, there was a total of 3 deaths.  I thought there were only 2 deaths last week and was anticipating a third.  I learned yesterday the third had occurred and I was unaware.  I hope that completes the process this time and my friends can move on with their lives.  I don't think I can deal with any more talk of death.

Take Some Advice

A few months ago I attended a session with my wife and her therapist.  Based on what was said in the meeting, the therapist presented the option of applying for disability to my wife.  This was not to say that she could not work.  It was simply a way of saying she may not be able to handle all the stressful daily functions she was dealing with while coping with her depression.  Last Monday I spoke with her doctor minutes after they finished a session.  He basically told her the same thing. She asked me if I thought we would be able to survive if she applied for disability.  I explained to her that we would have to make the most of it because we could not survive without her contributing financially to the household.  I need her to take some advice and apply for disability.  Our livelihood depends on it.

Then There Was One

We've finally reached the breaking point.  This marks the first month my household income is strictly what I bring in.  Sure the nephew stays here but that sorry bastard hasn't given me a dime toward any household bills since he move in at the end of 2011.  My wife received her last check as a teacher at the end of July.  She is looking for a job (I think) but nothing has panned out just yet.  We'll  see how long I can tread water.  Understanding that I truly don't know how to swim, I am sure this cannot and will not last long.

Working for Nothing

The nephew learned a rough lesson last week.  Based on what he told me, the Department of Human Services decided to take back child support from him in addition to the regular amount he owed.  Add that to the fact they based the amount on when he was working 2 jobs and not just one and you will see his problem.  They took his entire check for child support.  It actually caused his account to be overdrawn.  He basically worked two weeks for nothing.

Harsh Reality

I had to give the nephew a dose of harsh reality yesterday.  He tried calling me several times while I was at work.  First of all, I didn't want to talk to him.  Second of all, if it is that damn important and I am not answering your calls, send me a text message.  I was about to leave for lunch when he called for the third time.  I was waiting on one of my co workers to walk outside so I answered the phone.  He said he realized now that he has too much free time because he is only working one job. He wanted my opinion on whether he should look for a second job.  At this point, my co worker walked outside and got in the truck.  I told the nephew that he should look for a second job.  I told him that I was unable to imagine how he has lived rent and utility free for almost a year and been unable to put away any money.  I reminded him that by the end of September, regardless of whats going on in his life, that I need his ass moved out of my house.  My co worker could only look and shake her head.  She couldn't believe the words that had just come out of my mouth.  She could not believe that I gave the nephew some harsh reality to deal with.

Secret Potion No Longer Works

I go through this phase every couple of month.  I start to get really tired from working so much and pushing myself to my physical and mental limits.  I start microsleeping at both jobs.  In order to offset the sleep, I turn to energy drinks.  Redbulls, Monster Energy Drinks and 5 Hour Energy shots are my weapons of choice.  The problem with using them is that after a while, like with any drug, my tolerance gets higher and I basically become immune to them.  I'm at the point now where I drink 1-2 of something daily and I am still dozing off. Guess it's time  to let them go again.  They have become a useless waste of money.

Can't Win for Losing

One of the pieces of equipment at my job failed last night right before close.  It was not an emergency issue at the time.  I alerted the opening manager this morning to the problem and told her that I would come by to try and help fix it.  The repair was beyond what we could do so we had to call the company that installed the equipment.  I waited around until the repairman showed up to find out what the cause was and how we could prevent it in the future.  Did I mention that today is my day off so I was doing all this because I wanted to, not because I had to.  The machine was repaired and all was well, I thought.  I called the store manager to let him know everything was ok.  He response was to tell me to stop working off the clock and go home.  First of all, I was not performing any duties related to my normal job function so technically I was not "working off the clock."  Secondly, I thought I was showing initiative by following through on the repair because the problem occurred during my shift.  O well. Sometimes you can't win for losing.

I Have a Gift

Building on my previous post, today I had a conversation with an old female acquaintance.  I asked about how she was doing and the usual small talk.  We revealed to me that she had an image problem and was continuing to take drastic measures to maintain the image she wanted.  I quickly let her know that she was beautiful regardless and the path she was taking could end in disaster.  Another friend came to me and discussed some personal health issues they are currently dealing with.  It's days like this that I think I have a gift.  People are comfortable around me.  They feel they can be themselves.  They can let their guard down and let loose.  I am happy with the gift that I have and plan to continue to use it for the good of all those I can touch.

Trustworthy

I was chatting with one of my co-workers today and she decided to reveal some information that I am sure only a few select people are aware of.  I've been thinking about what would prompt her to trust me with this knowledge.  Then I remembered a conversation earlier in the day.  She told me that she felt like she could come to me with anything because I was trustworthy.  Anything that she said would go no further than us.  I'm happy she feels she can confide in me.  I plan to do everything in my power to help her through her problem and further cement her trust in me.

Jumping to Conclusions - The Landing

The day after the "Jumping to Conclusions" incident, my manager pulled me to the side and spoke to me again.  He also had a separate conversation with his informant.  He then brought the two of us together to clear the air.  He informed me that he could understand my line of reasoning and while good in theory, the execution needed a little work.  He went on to explain to his informant that I made the right decision.  I'm thankful that he was willing to listen and try to understand why I did what I did.  I just hope that his informant was taking notes.

Resist the Urge

I had to resist the urge to choke a bitch on Monday.  One of my subordinates at work is an older lady.  She has probably been working longer than I have been alive.  I was giving her a performance review and trying to explain that she was not meeting the company standards.  I went on to explain part of the reason was her continued desire to go above and beyond for the customers.  Now don't get me wrong.  I am all about customer service.  But I am also about policy and procedure.  We work in the tech support department.  It is not in our job description to do anything with a customer's bill.  This woman, however, constantly feels the need to contact the billing department on behalf of the customer to request monetary compensation.  For some reason, she decided to start telling me that her stats were bad because she was always fixing the problems created by other tech support personnel.  It took everything in me to not reach across the table and grab her.  Other tech support personnel are meeting company standards.  Maybe rather than trying to bad-mouth them, she should talk to them and get herself in line with what the company wants.

Truth Be Told

I had a conversation with my boss about Friday night's incident.  I explained my reasoning for what I did.  He let me know that he could understand my logic in the decision but stood firm that the choice I made was not the best one.  He went on to inform me that the person he talked to exaggerated what actually happened Friday night which is what prompted his return to the job.  He decided to have a conversation with both of us together.  He asked her to explain to him again exactly what happened.  This time, with me standing there, the situation was not as dire as she told him initially.  It's amazing what happens when the truth comes out.

Jumping to Conclusions

I was taught long ago by a good manager to never jump to conclusions.  The problem with jumping to conclusions is that most people don't take the time to determine where they will land.  People end up hurting themselves and possibly the people around them as well.  Such was the case last night.  Based on information from another source, my manager jumped to a conclusion.  I received a verbal assault and my job was threathened.  After this happened, I explained things from my perspective.  I agreed with my manager that a mistake had occurred but not to the degree at which the other source described.  My manager, being the person they are, looked at me and didn't even apologize.  Pride would not allow it.  I really don't think an apology would have helped at that point.  Last night's situation just let me know that my tenure with this company is probably coming to an end.  I have gotten in more trouble in the past 6 months than I have in a 11 year career with the organization.  I can't continue to deal with people who assume things and in the process make an ass out of themselves and me also.  I need people to stop jumping to conclusions and to look before they leap. 

God's Will or The Devil at his Best

I'm not too sure which higher power is currently at work in my life.  As I try to step back and make sense of the situation, the lines are becoming more and more blurred rather than clearer.  Yesterday, as I prepared to leave for work, my wife told me that she needed to tell me something that was going to upset me.  She asked if I wanted to know at that point or later.  I told her to go ahead and tell me because waiting was not going to change things.  She informed me that she had knowingly gone out and spent money that we do not have on bibles.  I simply said ok and walked off.  I couldn't even deal with it at that point.  Right now, I am trying to figure out are the bibles supposed to be a sign that God is going to get my family through the upcoming tough times?  Or was my wife's purchase of the bibles simply the Devil's way of getting another punch or kick in while I am down? 

Job Hunt Continues

Yesterday my wife received her last paycheck as a school teacher.  The good news is that she was able to pay a couple of bills and get us pointed in the right direction.  Bad news is that that was her last paycheck.  My wife continues to look for another job but is not receiving any callbacks.  I have told her that she may have to expand her selections and start looking anywhere and everywhere for a job.  Some income is better than no income.   Hopefully her job hunt will lead to success because I don't know how long I can take care of her and 3 girls on just one income.

Little Money in, Lotta Money out

Today was one of those days where it seemed no matter how hard I tried, things just were not going to go my way.  My day started off with one of our dogs going to the vet for her yearly shots which were overdue.  This turned into a $216 visit and some bad news.  My dog tested positive for heartworms.  The good news is that she is young and it is possible to treat her.  The downside to this is that it is a 3 month process and costs $700.  The next financial jab that I received was my wife’s contacts finally showing up at the eye doctor.  That was a $267 investment into her vision.  And finally for today, was the knockout punch.  I called a company to come check the central heat and air unit in my house because it was not cooling.  The repairman came out and looked at things.  He basically told me that the entire unit was wasting money and needed to be replaced.  He called a salesman for the company to come out and give me an estimate.  His estimate?  $7000 to $8000 because the inside unit, outside unit and duct work all needed to be replaced.  I tried to apply for financing but was denied.  So now I have to figure out a cost-effective way to keep my family cool for the rest of the summer.  

Test of Faith Results

I quickly learned that I am not cut out to test my faith in the same manner as my co-worker.  He had warned me prior to trying the fast, that people with medical conditions were exempt.  I wanted to try anyway.  I made it about half way through one day before my body informed me of the consequences of my choices.  The good news is I didn't get sick. I was able to correct the situation and continue as normal.  As I sit and type this today, I think that my faith is being tested in other ways.  The question is:  how am I faring?  Am I doing good or failing miserably?  Time will tell and the results of my test(s) of faith will be revealed.

What I'm Worth part 2

Incident two was a major snafu on the part of someone else.  Privileged information was put in the hands of people who did not need to see it.  Amongst this information was monetary compensation.  Once again I was amazed that what I bring to the table is worth so little.  When I learned about this, I had to think long and hard about what to do.  One mind, the dark side of me, said I should give the company just what it pays for.  I shouldn't do more than people who earn more than me.  Apparently they are better at the job and are being compensated for this.  Then my better mind set in and reminded me of who I am and what I do.  You can't really put a price on how good I am at what I do.  Damn, the paycheck.  It's just a way to keep the creditors off my ass.  I am worth more than anyone at my job could ever imagine.

What I'm Worth

I recently found out what I am worth to one of my employers through two separate incidents.  I am approaching a milestone of working several years for my employer.  They reward continued dedication to the company with a gift.  You are provided a website to go to and a range of gifts to select.  At first I was estatic.  Then I decided to see who much the items were actually worth.  $50.  That's what 5 years of dedication is worth.  I have missed less time from this job in the past 5 years than some people who have been hired within the last 6 months.  But it's ok.  It's nice to know what I am worth.  

Been a Week...

It's been over one week since my last post.  I've thought about hopping on the computer and letting the world know what's going on but it just didn't happen.  I'm not too sure if it was the fatigue I have been plagued with the last week or what.  What I do know is that, this is my outlet.  And it's about time I let some shit off my chest.