New Medicine Cocktail

My oldest daughter was released from the hospital last Tuesday.  She seemed to be ok after the ordeal but time will truly tell.  She was prescribed a nice mixture of medications to help her cope with life.  Hydroxyzine, sertraline and aripiprazole - anxiety, depression and depression.  I hope the medication is the right mix for here and she is able to cope.  I really don't want her to have the challenge of changing meds frequently until the right "mix" is determined by her doctors. 

Ain't No Jobs Out Here

I've been meaning to post this for almost a month but I've been busy and I've been procrastinating.  We constantly hear people say "ain't no jobs out here. Nobody's hiring."  To those people who feel the job market is garbage, I say this.... you are absolutely right.  There aren't any jobs out here - for lazy motherfuckers who don't want to hustle and grind.  All you entitled feeling motherfuckers can sit at home and be miserable.  Jobs are available to people like me.  I currently have 3 jobs - retail, fast food and technical support.  So don't say "ain't no jobs out here."  Say you don't really want to work.

Latest Family Issue

Yesterday my ex wife decided to take our oldest daughter to the hospital because she felt like our baby was in the early stages of depression.  When she told me, all I could think about was having to deal with her (ex wife) when she had her episodes years ago.  I want my daughter to get help but I hate that she has to experience the prison known as behavioral sciences.  I don't think my daughter has entertained any thoughts of suicide unlike the ex who tried to overdose of pills.  I wonder what has pushed her to this point.  Maybe it's the fact that she didn't pass her exam last December and is now sitting at how rather than pursuing her degree.  Maybe it's the fact that she's stuck at home with her bipolar mother.  Maybe it's the fact that the first real job she has ever gotten in her 22 years of life is working at Sonics (which is giving her lousy hours and she is not good at it apparently).  Maybe it's because she is trying to be strong for her 2 younger siblings because I asked her to when we discussed the divorce.  Maybe she is dealing with the demons of the molestation she went thru from her stepgrandfather (I guess that's what you would call him).  Whatever the reason, I hope she is able to open up to someone so she can start dealing. 

Guess She Doesn't Want My Help Anymore

I tried to leave both of my previous job correctly.  I provided each manager with a resignation letter and worked until the last possible day.  I wanted to leave on good terms in case the new job does not work out.  I made it clear that if I had any free time I would reach out to the old jobs and assist until they were properly staffed.  My retail pharmacy manager was thrilled to hear this and indicated that even if I only work a couple of hours every other week that would help.  Yesterday, however, my manager at my fast food job gave me a vibe like she was done with me completely.  I went by the store to tell her how my day went and to let her know about a employee who is coming back to the area and wants to work again.  I left the store and headed home.  She texted me and asked if I had left my keys to the store.  I had honestly not even thought about the keys.  I returned to the store after a while and gave them to her.  The fact that she wanted my store key kinda made me feel like she doesn't want me there.  That's fine. Life goes on.  I guess she doesn't want my help so I'll use my talents elsewhere. 

The New Job

The new job started yesterday.  It was a fairly typical first day.  I got a tour of the office.  I was shown where my desk is located.  I spent a good portion of the day creating usernames and passwords for all of the systems I will have to access.  My manager took me to lunch.  After lunch I had a online meeting with a member of the HR team to discuss benefits and payroll.  After the meeting, I read over some information.  I'm currently on lunch of day 2.  I spent my morning shadowing my manager and another tech.  After lunch I'll be shadowing someone working with another product.  So far, I like the new job.  We'll see what happens as the days pass by.

Complications of "The Process"

Going back to my post a week ago about my "girlfriend" wanting a baby, we decided to call the procedure "the process."  I did a little research on my end for the "process" and have noted a few early complications which I briefly discussed with her (we plan to have a more detailed conversation later).  As previously stated, the biggest hurdle to this process is my health.  I'm a terrible diabetic.  I don't eat right.  I don't check my blood sugar. I don't take my medicine properly.  That's 3 strikes right of the back.  Add to those 3 items that even if I was a good diabetic, heal time after surgery can be a monster.  Speaking of the surgery, a call to a local urologist clinic that performs the reversal provided the following info.  Just for the consultation - just to talk to someone about getting unfixed is $150.  Since most insurances will not pay for the procedure, the cost is $2500 due before the surgery.  Add to that the $1000 for the anesthesia.  Oh, forgot to mention the cost of the recovery room even though it is outpatient surgery.  I'm still waiting to get the price but I'm sure it's not cheap.  I'm guessing that it will cost about $5000+ in total for the reverse vasectomy.  Depending on the procedure used to reverse the vasectomy, it could take 6-12 months for sperm to stabilize -IF the surgery is successful.  All of this has to be taken care of before we get into the "process" of having a baby. 

Stop Saying Wife

I really have to work on my vocabulary.  I was at work the other day talking to a customer and I realized I was saying wife rather than ex-wife.  Co-workers ask how are the wife and kids and I respond. I'm not too sure if it's just habit of saying wife or if it's my way of not letting people know that I am divorced.  In any event, I have to make myself stop saying wife and call her what she is - my ex-wife. 

If They Only Knew

Most of my soon to be ex-coworkers are thrilled about my new job opportunity.  They are happy that I may be able to work just one job rather then trying to juggle two.  They are also happy that I should be able to spend more time with my family.  That's funny to me because they are unaware of my divorce.  I'm not the type of person who advertises my personal business so they don't know that I've been living away from my family for months.  If they only knew what really goes on in my life. 

Weird Dreams

I've had some weird dreams the last couple of nights.  Part of the problem is that I can't remember most of the dream which I know is typical.  The things I do remember are situations bringing together two elements that would never interact (at least I don't think they would). One dream had a previous manager of mine and myself in what appeared to be a basement.  We were just there talking and I think I was washing clothes.  The other dream occurred at my retail job.  A customer was asking about merchandise we stage behind the counter.  I told her to come behind the counter so she could get a better look and make a decision.  I turned my back to the register to help her for a second.  Then I felt someone bump into me.  It was another person who had come behind the counter but he was trying to access the cash register.  I leaned on his shoulder and whispered to him that he was on camera so he may want to cease and desist.  That's when I woke up.  I'm not sure what caused those dreams or if there is any meaning to them but they were indeed, weird.  

Stop Giving Advice

People come to me for advice for different reasons.  I don't know if it's because of my vast array of knowledge (jack of all trades - master of none) or if it's because they feel I will always be honest with them but people value my opinion.  That being said, I've run into situations recently where I have given what I considered good advice.  The individual(s) receiving the advice chose to ignore it and did their own thing.  This decision led to continued problems.  Here's my thing - why ask for my advice and then do the opposite?  In other situations, I chose not to give advice because I knew the individual would not follow my guidance.  This also led to an unhappy situation.  So what's the point??  If I give advice, people don't use it properly.  If I don't give advice, people get upset that I didn't try to steer them in the right direction.  Damned if I do. Damned if I don't. 
 

Valentine's Day 2019

Valentine's Day 2019 has come and gone and it was nothing like I expected.  The gifts I received for Valentine's Day came from my girlfriend last week.  She got me a card, bear and some candy.  The "Happy Valentine's Day" texts I received came from:  my ex-wife, my ex-at-work wife, a co-worker and my girlfriend.  And then there was work.  We were busy at both jobs.  I anticipated the fast food job being a little busy with schools/daycare facilities trying to do parties but we were busy beyond that.  The madness continued until the after dinner hours and unfortunately I was unable to stay and help because I had to be at my retail job at 4pm.  Of course the retail job was no better.  People were out last minute shopping hoping that Valentine Day items had been marked down. Nope! My retail job was busy until the after dinner hours also.  So all in all, VDay 2019 was uneventful and busy.

I'm So Sick of Love Songs (Not Really)

Valentine's Day 2019 is tomorrow.  The day of LOVE!  Never quit understood why you could only love someone on just one day but hey - somebody turned it into a billion dollar marketing day for candy, teddy bears and flowers.  Anyway, speaking of love, my love of R&B songs has been wavering a little recently.  I attribute it to my divorce.  It's a little hard to listen to songs that you created mixed tapes of or burned CDs of when you are no longer with a person after 20+ years.  But then again, I love music.  So regardless of who I am in love with (if anyone at all), my passion for great music won't die.  So I guess I really am not sick of love songs - I just have a different reason to like them. 

My Girlfriend Wants a Baby

My girlfriend recently approached me with the idea that she wants to have a baby.  For those of you keeping score at home, you will know that I use the term "girlfriend" loosely for obvious reasons. But considering I am actually divorced, I guess she could actually hold that title. Anyway - back to the topic.  She went on to inform me that she wanted me to be the father.  This is where things get complicated.  She initially didn't want her mother to look at me as some nigga who knocked her up so she had the idea of me simply donating my sperm.  In an ideal world, that might be a great idea.  In my world, not so much.  I have very strong genes.  My kids all look like me.  I'm sure this child would be no different so her mom would know who the "donor" was when the baby is born.  Moving on.  For those of you just joining the blog and for those who need a refresher, I'm fixed.  I got snipped after my last daughter was born about 9 years ago.  Therefore, in order for me to donate any sperm, I would require surgery to reverse my vasectomy.  With my diabetes, surgery becomes a problem because of slow healing and the risk of infections/complications.  I really want to try and help but I don't know if my health will allow me to be a baby daddy again.  

Signing Away Life As I Know It

Well, there's no going back now.  I turned in my resignation letters at both of my current jobs this past Saturday.   I just emailed my signed documents accepting my new position.  I've signed away my life as I currently know it (trying to work 2 jobs to survive) in hopes that this new one will be enough.  Only time and trying will tell.

My oldest baby is becoming a woman

Most parents will tell you that regardless of age, your children are always your babies.  I had to go by the house and pick up my oldest daughter to take her somewhere recently.  When I got there, she was not ready.  Dressed like a typical 20-something year old, she had on a sweatshirt, jeans and no makeup when I arrived.  I waited for her to get ready.  She returned with a wig that ran halfway down her back, a nice top, slacks and heels, plus her makeup was done. It was a complete transformation.  She had gone from being my little girl to a grown woman in a matter of minutes.  Either I'm getting old or my kids are growing up. 

My 2nd Greatest Fear

Failure has always been my greatest fear.  Not being able to accomplish something that I truly put effort into really gets to me.  My recent divorce is an example of such a failure.  My second greatest fear came up a couple of weeks ago.  I wasn't feeling well and was home alone.  I started to feel like it may be one of those cases where I needed emergency medical assistance.  What would normally happen would be me complaining and throwing up until my wife either forced me to go to the hospital or called an ambulance.  Unfortunately that did not happen and I tried to tough it out.  I survived but barely.  The episode made me think.  My second greatest fear, the fear of dying alone, has become a true possibility.  If I had passed out, it may have been days before someone found my body.  My second greatest fear is more of a reality than I would like for it to be.

Knock, knock. Who is it? Opportunity

An opportunity knocked on my door recently and I am still trying to determine if it is worth the risk.  While at my retail store job, I spoke with a customer who works for a local tech support company.  Based on what I said, he felt I would be a good candidate.  He provided me with his manager's email and phone number.  I gave my resume a much needed update since I had not been on a serious job hunt in 3 years.  I was then scheduled for a phone interview.  The interviewer liked our conversation and sent my information to the local manager.  I scheduled a face to face interview.  I spoke with the manager as well as 2 of the techs.  I think they were impressed with my skill set.  The manager asked me to come back and meet some of the other techs.  We're talking about 35k a year with benefits, vacation and 401k.  I've been crunching numbers to see if I can live off one job based on my recent divorce.  Opportunity is knocking.  I'm just hoping I don't let in a financial disaster. 

One Month Down, A Lifetime to Go

My divorce was finalized one month ago and filed in court.  It's amazing how things are supposed to change.  According to tax law, I get to file as "single" since the divorce occurred before 12/31/18.  I stopped wearing my wedding ring on my hand.  It now resides on a chain around my neck.  I still have not exercised my right to a weekend with the kids but that's because the divorce didn't impact my work schedule.  Many other things have happened since the divorce which I will discuss in other posts.  The most important thing is that I survived the first month. 

I May Be Done With Relationships

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship status while waiting for the divorce to finalize.  I've realized that I've invested over 2 decades of my life with one person (for the most part). I had a few "challenges." Hey - I'm no saint and I admit that.  But I also know that even though I'm in my early forties, at this point in my life, I don't feel like going through learning another person like I learned my ex-wife.  I think I'm going to go back to my childhood dream.  I'm going to tackle life on my own and my sole companion will be a dog. Lol

New Year - Same Old Me

I often tell people I'm not a fan of New Year's resolutions.  Now they may work for some people but I believe you can make a change any time, not just at the start of the year.  That being said, I'm starting 2019 off the way I ended 2018.  I'm going to be the same old me regardless.