I Love a Woman in Heels

I was at work tonight when a former employee sent me a text asking for something to eat.  She said she would stop by on her way home from work.  Since leaving the fast food business she managed to land a job at a local car rental company.  She is actually one of the managers there.  I included this information because she has to dress professionally.  She arrived at the restaurant and I motioned for her to come to the back while I finished her order.  She came through the door and OMG!  She looked amazing.  She was wearing some heels with stockings, a knee-length skirt and a striped top.  Like I said in the title of this post, I love a woman in heels.  BUT it has to be the right heel on the right woman.  It has to be a heel that accentuates a well-toned leg.  Otherwise, it's just a pair of shoes.  Tonight's encounter made me think of another former co-worker from my other job.  She also always looked stunning in heels.  So stunning that I asked her to send me a pic of her just her legs in heels - that's how in love with that on her I was.  I must say it one more time.  I love a woman in heels.  

Know When to Throw in the Towel

I am a very determined person.  Some people call it being stubborn.  I like proving people wrong when they say I can't accomplish a goal that I know is well within my capabilities.  With that being said, I have been working on a situation for a friend.  The goal can be easily accomplished by my standards - it's just a matter of the friend agreeing to the situation.  Said friend refuses to do so.  Said friend wants to bend the rules of the agreement.  I have tried reluctantly to explain this is an all or nothing situation - the rules cannot be changed to achieve the desired goal.  At this point, after months of trying to help, I am ready to throw in the towel.  You can't help someone who does not want to be helped.

Inspiration

I'm usually a fairly self motivated person.  Anything I want/need to do usually gets done.  Recently, however I have drawn inspiration from people I work with.  A couple of guys I work with have been talking about going to the gym a lot recently.  One guy in particular goes almost daily.  He puts in anywhere from 5-8 hours at a fast food restaurant and then goes to the gym for about an hour.  Now I am not dedicated enough to my health to join a gym.  I am however aware that I need to tone up and build some endurance because working only one job for the last 2.5 months has made me lazy.  So I've decided to work out about 30 minutes per day at home.  I already had some dumbbells.  I purchased a pair of weighted gloves this weekend.  I have a few workout apps installed on my S4.  To top it all off I still have my 45 workout mix playlist with everything from Bon Jovi to Enimem to Drowning Pool.  I plan on sticking to working out properly this time no matter what.

Fairly Merry Christmas

Christmas 2013 went better than I anticipated.  My kids opened their gifts from me and the wife last Saturday (12/21/13).  I know 12/21 is technically not Christmas but I got tired of the wife and kids asking about gifts. Plus is you want to be religiously technical, Christmas is not about giving gifts. Anyway, on Christmas Day we drove to my mom's house so the girls could get their other gifts.  I spent the day setting up mom's tablet on her wireless network and installing games/antivirus on her laptop.  The kids were happy with their gifts which was the biggest thing.  No major calamities.  Guess I can say Christmas 2013 was a success.

Pay What You Owe

A friend of mine has really been there for me throughout all my latest financial woes.  She's the kind of person who is willing to lend me money knowing that she may never see it again.  Well after the loss of my job back in October, my running total was about $350.  Rather than stress over the money, she struck a deal for payback.  She was taking some online classes and really did not want to with writing the weekly essays and the term paper.  Solution - I wrote the essays and term paper in exchange for wiping out the debt I owed her.  Win-win situation because she ended up with an A in the class and I ended up paying what I owed.

Can Money Buy Happiness?

I've been asking myself this question a lot recently.  I guess it's because I still have not found a second job and things are getting really tight financially.  I opted to make sure my kids had a decent Christmas so now bills are showing up and I don't have the money to pay them all.  Ever since I lost my job I have been kind of blah about life.  At one point I thought to myself that money would answer my problems and cure my disposition.  Then I thought about the money situation more closely.  Money can't buy happiness.  It pays for contentment.  The richest people in the world (i'm thinking of celebrities and athletes) aren't always happy.  Even with all their money, ever move they make is analyzed and scrutinized.  I don't need that stress. I also thought about what makes me happy.  Things that make me happy like a hug/kiss from a loved one don't cost money.  So I guess I have the answer to my question.  Money can buy many things but happiness is priceless.

A Picture is Worth 1000 Words

We have all heard the expression "A picture is worth 1000 words."  We say this because so much can be captured in the moment a photo is snapped.  Whether it's the joy on a child's face opening a gift or the heartache of an athlete losing a match, pictures tell a story in every frame.  A friend of mine sent me a picture yesterday.  It was a picture of her new hairdo.  The fact that she took the time to send me the pic spoke volumes by itself.  Then there was everything about the picture.  She was smiling as only she can.  She was radiant and glowing as she showed off her new do.  She was happy.  And she chose to share that happiness with me.  The picture told me that she loved me enough to include me in her happy moment.  A picture is truly worth a 1000 words.  Especially when the first three words are "I Love You."

Crossing Paths part 2

Seems that the past couple of weeks have been filled with opportunities to cross paths with my former co-workers.  I ran across a former supervisor from the old job at my local Target.  He informed me that he was in charge of the one here and in another city.  Later that same day, I ran into a former agent at the local Lowe's.  She stated that another former supervisor was also employed there now.  Tuesday, when I had my last interview I ran into a former manager from the old job.  Amazing how life sees fit to let you cross paths with certain people at certain times. 

Crossing Paths

I always tell people that I don't burn bridges because you never know when you will need someone in the future.  Now I may not keep the bridge in tip-top shape but I keep it repairable at the least.  With that being said, I had a chance encounter this morning at the grocery store. I had just dropped my youngest off at daycare and decided to grab some items to make breakfast.  As I was walking into the store, I ran into one the ladies from the HR department at my old job.  Now I have lived in the same place for the last 5 years and this is the first time I have ever seen her in this store.  We spoke and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing ok.  She gave me the look of "You say you are ok and I want to tell you something but I will hold my tongue."  We wished each other happy holidays and went our separate ways.  Funny how fate chooses when are where chance encounters occur. 

WTF - You Busy?

In this day and age of social media and advanced technology, people have lost the art of general conversation.  Everything is text speak and acronyms as we hurry about our day.  I was at work the other day and I received a text message from the nephew.  As usual, I am going to give the exchange word for word so you can see the level of craziness I truly deal with.

Him:  U busy?
Me:  Yes. At work. What Up?
Him:  I'm in some shit unk
Me:  Now what?
Him:  I see my po on Tuesday In I dnt get payed tell Friday in what been going. On with this ppl up at the po office she wnt let me pay it later
Me:  I can't help you.  Struggling to pay my own bills as is
Him:  Even if u get it back on Friday
Me: No

(Ok.  For those of you reading who are not up on the legal system in our country, PO stands for parole officer.  He was asking for money to pay the PO the monthly fee.) 

WTF?  Are you serious?  Why would I lend you money when you have borrowed money from me SINCE you moved out of my house in July and not repaid?  Do I look like an ATM?  I usually don't wish ill will towards others but I truly feel jail may be the best place for this young man.

Ten Days Since Last Post

It's been a week and a half since my last post.  I have to say, I've been going through some things during the time. I went from battling the "common" cold if there is such a thing to trying to home medicate myself back from blood glucose levels off the meter.  I had to miss work twice last week due to my illness.  I'm better now though so hopefully things can get back to some level of normal. 

Feeling Under The Weather

The weather in my area has been flip-flopping for the last couple of weeks.  Yesterday it was 70 degrees and now it is damn near 30.  So of course, somehow i have managed to pick up a sore throat and a slightly runny nose.  I took some over the counter medicine prior to going to work.  I just took a night time dose upon returning home for the day.  It might not be advisable to chase this cold medicine with vodka but I need something to get this flavor out of my mouth.  I hope whatever is ailing me comes and goes quickly.  I can't afford to be sick. 

Breaking Point and an Ultimatum

Everybody reaches their breaking point at some time in their life.  There comes a situation where a person gets tired of being stepped on and decides to buck the system.  I reached my breaking point yesterday.  I returned home from a short time out with former co-workers.  Upon my return, I scanned my house and was instantly pissed off.  There was a plate of cut up cheese on the stove which had been sitting out so long it had turned hard.  The rest of the block of cheese was discovered in my oldest's room.  There were 4 cups in the living and a nice spill of the soda I had purchased earlier.  My four year old was standing next to the bed in the main bedroom watching some movie on Lifetime Movie Network while my wife was asleep. That was the last straw.  I talked to my wife today and told her exactly how I felt.  I told her I was tired of asking/begging/screaming at her to change but nothing happens.  I asked her if she had considered what she was going to do if her case does not go through and she does not receive benefits from her termination.  She just looked at me.  I explained to her that I would stay here until income tax time.  I reminded her that she did not work in 2013 so any refund we receive is technically mine.  I let her know that if she has not done a complete change by that time, I'm gone.  She didn't say anything.  She just gave me the same "whatever" look as always. 

Bah Humbug

I think the reduction in my income and the lack of interaction with co-workers has really gotten to me over the last few months.  October thru December is usually when I do some of my best work.  Whether I am planning an awesome Halloween Bash, coming up with a great gift for a November lady or decking the halls with laughter and presents for Christmas, the last 3 months of the year are usually when I excel.  This year has not been the case.  No Halloween Bash happened for a variety of reasons.  I have not accompanied my youngest on any of her field trips (I let the wife take over that duty).  Lack of funds led to me only giving out ecards for my November birthdays.  I took down the Christmas decorations for my wife and kids.  I chose not to decorate a tree and told the wife I would not be hanging lights this year.  I'm in a real nonchalant mood about the holidays.  My attitude has truly gone from Happy Holidays to Bah Humbug. 

Two months later

It's been 2 months since I lost my full time job.  Thank goodness for severance packages.  I've been able to maintain things at home for the most part but there were some sacrifices.  We had to pull my two youngest out of ballet because it was not in the budget.  They didn't really mind because between their mother not wanting to take them to practice and the girls not wanting to go to practice, sometimes it seemed like a waste of money anyway.  Now things are about to get crucial around here.  Everybody wants money and my income was cut by 66%.  I've been trying to find another job but nothing has come through yet.  At this point, 2 months later, I don't know how much longer we can survive like this. 

WTF Moment - Common Sense

I was at work last night and overheard a conversation between two guys.  I just shook my head and laughed to myself at the lack of common sense.

Two guys are looking at an episode on Duck Dynasty on the television.

guy 1:  You ever watch this show?
guy 2:  Duck Dynasty?  not really.  caught a few minutes here and there but I don't watch it.
guy 1:  I don't really watch it either but I saw part of an episode and the house they stay in is huge.
guy 2:  yea.  I think they are famous for wrestling alligators or some shit like that
guy 1:  Really?  I thought it was called Duck Dynasty because they invented some type of duck call.
guy 2:  That would make sense.

WTF?!! Where in the da hell did you come up with the idea that a show called Duck Dynasty was based on some alligator wrestlers?  Common sense is not always applied to everyday conversation.   

Good News, Bad News

The good news is that I am going to get a new cell phone.  The bad news is that I have to replace my old phone because it took a 2hour bath in a puddle of water.

The good news is that I got the opportunity to deliver pizzas on Monday and make some decent tips.  The bad news is that my account is $150 overdrawn and tips can't make up for that.

The good news is that I finally have a Thanksgiving Day off.  The bad news is that my family is out of town and I am off because I lost my job.

There are 2 sides to every story.  The side you see depends on your perspective. 

What I am Thankful For

Like a lot of people at this time of year, I have really been thinking about what I am thankful for.  I'm going to share some of these thoughts with you but keep in mind this is not an all-inclusive list. 

I'm thankful for the life I have. 
I'm thankful for all the good and bad times because they made me who I am.
I'm thankful for that bastard that got my mother pregnant. I wouldn't be here if not for him.
I'm thankful for true friends - those ride or die people who always have my back.
I'm thankful for my mother - nuff said.
I'm thankful for my old family - they taught me about hard work.
I'm thankful for my new family - my daughters give me a reason to always work hard.
I'm thankful for my old manager - I should have paid more attention to the details of the picture she kept painting rather than just admiring the colors
I'm thankful for my current manager - although we butt heads, we can agree to disagree and get the job done
I'm thankful for a special someone - I think about her everyday because she touched my heart in a way no one else ever has or ever will.

Thanksgiving 2013

Thanksgiving 2013 is just minutes away.  I get to spend this Thanksgiving by myself.  Well, I have my dog here but that is it.  The wife and kids are at her mother's house with an expected return date of Friday.  For the past week I had been telling coworkers that I was going to go the the local Waffle House for Thanksgiving and grab food for me and the dog.  Kinda hard to do that when your account is overdrawn so I am going with plan B.  I found some steaks in the freezer.  I am going to toss a couple of strips of the indoor grill and call it a day.  Thanksgiving 2013 won't be spent with family and friends.  Then again, I never really spend holiday time with family and friends because usually I am work.  Oh well. Funny how life goes sometimes. 

Twenty-three and 3

  The nephew welcomed baby number 3 into the world on Tuesday.  I was talking to some of my co-workers about his situation and I told them how sorry I am for the child.  This is his 3rd child.  This is his 3rd baby mama.  He has a high school education.  He has a felony (sex offender) charge on his record.  No college. He currently works at a fast food restaurant.  That is not the type of situation you want to bring a child into. 

Visit with the Psychologist - Daddy Issues

During yesterday's session, the doctor decided to address my comment about having daddy issues.  She tried to refer back to my test results to back up her claim that I indeed had daddy issues.  First of all, if the test had revealed those results, you would have addressed it sooner than now.  We discussed the person I call my sperm donor since I do not consider him to be my father.  I explained that even though I was an only child, I had enough positive male role models to keep me going.  She asked what I knew about my father and I told her nothing.  I told her that the one time I laid eyes on him I was about 6-7 yrs old and did not know who he was because he did not introduce himself to me as my parent.  He was simply a friend of the family. I wouldn't know him today if he stood in front of me.  I continued to explain the only other time I have ever spoken to the man was after my accident years ago.  I told the doctor the conversation was not pleasant for him because I had no love for him and know desire to get to know him.  Even if my family did not want him around when I was little, once I was out of the house/grown/taking care of myself, he could have reached out to me.  I basically summed up my feelings to the doctor by saying, "you can't miss what you never had."  The doctor tried to stick to her train of thought and told me I should try to talk to my family about my daddy to see what happened and if there is any chance of him being in my girls' lives.  I had to bite my tongue before I said "hell no." 

You Remind Me of Someone

I find myself surrounded by constant reminders of a very close friend who moved away earlier this year.  I'm not sure if it is because I am missing her more these days or if I just purposely set myself up like this when she was living here.  Everywhere I look, something reminds me of her. 

The rug in my room - it used to belong to her
The picture of the tiger she gave me - feels like her watchful eyes are always checking on me
My roses - I remember all the times I would go pick her up and have one waiting in the cup holder for her so she would have a reason to smile
My truck - she is one of two other people who know the keyless entry code.  If she ever needed my vehicle, she didn't even have to ask.  She could just get in and go.
The moon - The full moon was this past Sunday.  I remember spending nights with her just looking at it
Burger King - I remember picking up an order with extra ketchup many times for her
Waffle House - we sat and laughed with friends here often
Blankets - I have several blankets she gave to me upon her move.  I wrap myself in them as I think about her.

The list goes on.  Our history shapes who we are.  Luckily I have so much to remind me of my wonderful recent past.   

Changing Season Brings Fond Memories

My area of the world experienced some colder than normal temperatures this week. It was so cold that the fall garden I was waiting to harvest as well as some flowers which were holding on for dear life died.  Oh well, thus is the way of nature.  The cold weather also brought back some very pleasant memories.  I was driving home the other night and put my hands up to the vents to try and warm them up.  I started thinking about my routine for visiting someone I loved very much.  When she lived here, I would make it a point to go and see her.  Knowing that she would be nice enough to give me a hug upon my arrival, I made it a point to try and warm up as much as possible.  I would literally drive with one hand and hold the other in front of the vent to gain warmth.  I repeated the process until I arrived at her home.  Those were the kind of hugs which let you know you were truly loved.  The kind of hugs where you never want to let go.  On some lucky nights, I would fall asleep with her in my arms.  Some of the best sleep in my life.  I really miss her. Good thing is that I have many great memories to remind me of her.

Be Careful What You Ask For

I told my wife this evening I was about to leave the house to go run a few errands.  She asked if she could go.  Big mistake.  If I did not invite you nor did I ask if you needed anything back, that should have clued you in that I really did not want to have anything to do with you during this excursion.  I told her she was welcome to ride with me.  The trip consisted of going to a friend's apartment to drop something off, pick up some food and drop the food off at another location inside the friend's car.  I guess it may help to tell you that I have a copy of the apartment key and the car key and the friend is female.  So once we return home, the wife decides to play 20 questions.  Be careful what you ask for.  She asked about the keys and I said the friend gave them to me earlier in the day to take care of the errand.  She called me a liar stating the keys had been in my truck for some time.  In order for you to know the keys were in MY truck in the center console out of plain sight, that means you have been snooping. At this point I got pissed. I told my wife it didn't matter what I said to her at this point because she already had in her mind what she thought was going on with my and the young lady.  She walked off and said we would talk about it later because I was mad.  Be careful what you ask for.  The truth might not be what you really want. 

Visits with the Psychologist - Hours 7 & 8

I failed to blog about what happened in therapy last week.  Good news is that it basically led into this week's session.  The last 2 hours with my counselor have been about me and this repressed anger I have.  She said I tend to ignore problems rather than voice my true feelings, especially when it comes to my wife.  She also stated that she felt I was codependent.  I was supposed to look up codependency and report back to her this week.  I looked up the condition and realized it could apply to me in some instances.  I also realized that this doctor is basing her information about what I am telling her.  As I have told many of my family and friends, I will never be an open book and spill everything to a medical professional.  All the craziness in my mind is not appropriate for public knowledge.  I had actually told the doctor I would be unable to continue seeing her due to my current financial situation.  She said she was willing to work with my on the payments.  That's nice - I guess.  I agree with one of my friends said.  The doctor is intrigued by me and how I cope.  She is really trying to break down my walls and get to know the real me.  Lots of luck with that.  I'm 36 years old and the walls I built are hella sturdy.  You can't break them down.  A couple of people have managed to get my assistance in climbing over the wall to get to the real me but that's a whole 'nother story. 

Another Blast from the Recent Past

Yesterday I received a call from a woman asking me to verify employment for Bill Johnson.  I thought about it for a second and then realized who she was referring to.  I never called Bill by his formal name so hearing it caught me off guard.  After giving a rave review and singing his praises, I sent Bill a text message asking him to call me.  Minutes later my phone rang.  I had not talked to Bill in nearly a year.  I joked with him and stated it would have been nice to be forewarned about the call.  He stated he had just interviewed for the job Monday so he was not expecting the company to call so quickly.  We talked and joked about changes in out lives over the last year.  We also promised to keep in touch.  Yet another blast from the past.  This has been a good week.

Different Parenting Styles

Today was one of those days most parents dread.  My wife came to me and said she caught our oldest daughter watching porn on her laptop.  I looked at my wife and said ok.  A little while later I spoke with our daughter and laid down so basics:  1) Sex does not happen like it does in pornography - those are paid actors.  2) No more watching porn when the younger girls are around.  3) You not fucking so I'm not worried.  4) I don't even want to know which one of your friends told you what site to go to for porn.  That was it. End of conversation as far as I was concerned.  My wife said, "so what should be her punishment?  Are we going to take her laptop?"  I looked at her and said, "for fucking what?  We have another laptop and 2 desktops all with internet access.  I am not about to go through the trouble of restricting access to adult material on all those computers.  Plus, don't you watch porn?  I'd rather her watch it here at the house than somewhere else with some freaky ass boy or girl."  Obviously my wife was not pleased with my answer but hey, as the saying goes "Don't ask the question if you really don't want to know the answer." 

Blast From The Past

I received a somewhat cryptic text message today from an old friend.  I had not been in contact with this person in over 5 years.  Since some people change cell numbers like people change underwear, she was cryptic so not to reveal her identity to a complete stranger.  Lucky for her I never delete my contacts so her name appeared with the message.  We went back and forth via text for a few minutes and then I ended up calling her because I was driving to work.  We quickly caught up on each other's present family situation.  She mentioned that she was still in contact with people from the old job.  She sent me a picture of her daughter who could be her twin.  She also sent me a picture of herself.  She still looks the same after all these years.  It was refreshing to hear her voice...made me really miss the people I used to work with.  We agreed to keep in touch going forward.  Talking to her was truly a blast from the fun part of my past. 

What Brings People Together

I decided to do some yard work on Wednesday because I was slightly bored. (Yes I know there are other things to do besides yard work when you are bored.)  I raked all the leaves in the front yard, bagged them up and trimmed some of the lower branches on an overgrown shrub (I prefer having a clear line of sight to the street at all times.)  I was about to call it a day when I noticed several dead buds on my roses.  I figured what the hey and commenced to removing the dead flowers.  As I was working a lady who was driving, stopped in the middle of the street and asked if I live here.  I gave her a slightly puzzled look because I have lived in the same residence for 5 years.  She wanted to compliment me on the roses.  I asked her to pull into the driveway so she would not block traffic since she wanted to have a conversation.  We talked about everything from her losing her mother at the age of 8, to the fact she had brain damage due to a car accident to her work as a writer and an artist.  One of the biggest takeaways from the conversation was when she said I should consider starting my own business because she could tell I enjoyed being outside and working with the flowers.  I never thought about opening my own landscaping business but anything is possible.  My conversation with her was proof that you never know what will bring seemingly opposite people together.  

The Butterfly Effect

I was at a friend's apartment last night and we watched "The Butterfly Effect" on Encore.  She had never seen the movie before.  I had the privilege of watching it in the past so I did my best not to provide any spoilers while watching.  I just kept reminding her of the overall theme of the movie - one small change in the past could have a huge impact on the future.  Once the movie was over, we discussed what if someone really could change the past by reliving the moments.  I thought about some situations in my life such as:  what if I actually built a relationship with my father?  what if I actually dated the one who got away in high school?  what if I had not married my wife?  Then as usual I shrugged it all off and said, "If I could change the past, I wouldn't.  My past made me the person I am today.  I don't think I would be where I am if I had not experienced life as I did and made the bonds with certain people that I hold dear."  The butterfly effect.  It's a nice concept but I hope it never becomes a reality.  

Yesterday was a good day.

I was meaning to post this last night but time got away from me (maybe due to the daylight savings time thing but anyway).  Yesterday was full of highlights.  The best part of my day was getting to talk to one of my best friends.  I had not actually talked to her in a while although we correspond through email and text.  To actually hear her voice for those couple of minutes was like hearing an angel.  I didn't think anything could come close to that and I knew nothing could top it.  The second good thing that happened to me was that I was able to get through an online interview and secure a work at home tech support job.  Now the pay is about half of what I was making prior to my termination but some income is better than none at all.  So yesterday was a good day. 

Halloween 2013

Well Halloween 2013 is here and this by far is the worst Halloween I have experienced in recent years.  I didn't even bother to decorate my house this year.  The kids carved pumpkins which are located at the front door but that it it.  As I have stated in a previous post, there is no Halloween party.  Plus the weather sucks.  It's been raining since 8am and is supposed to get worse as the night progresses.  Maybe 13 is a bad luck number after all.

Visit with the Psychologist - Hour 6

I went to see my psychologist yesterday to see what ideas she had about my "deep seeded anger" issues.  When I arrived she told me she was running behind because she had an emergency.  While I was waiting to speak to her, another young lady walked in.  Her posture let me know she was the emergency the doctor was speaking of.  I would have rather re-scheduled my appointment than keep this young lady waiting because she obviously needed to talk.  None the less, the doctor saw me.  She restated that my test did not show any pathological illness.  She asked how I was doing with the anger issues we discussed last week.  I told her that I realized I did have a little bit of anger about the condition of my release from my full time job but I got past that by cutting ties with everyone there who were simply associates/co workers of mine.  Friends know how to contact me.  The other source of my anger, my wife, was still a work in progress.  I told the doctor I felt I created the problem with my wife and was unable to undo it.  I couldn't kill the monster I created no matter what I tried.  The doctor suggested that I write a letter to my wife about my "true" feelings.  While I worked on the letter, she spoke briefly with the young lady.  About 10 minutes later, she asked me to read what I had so far.  The letter was a pretty aggressive one documenting my feeling that my wife was not truly concerned about the kids and I.  I also wrote that when she says things like "I love you" I feel that it is out of courtesy and not genuine.  The doctor told me I could finish the letter but not to give it to my wife because it addressed various issues.  She suggested I bring up one topic at a time.  We'll see how that goes.  I have another appointment next week.  I don't know if I am going because we've identified my problem and I know how to fix it. 

The Luckiest Unlucky Day of my Life - The Fallout

I should have known things seemed too good to be true about my little incident from a few weeks ago.  The result of my little "bump" was the loss of a couple of the loyalty discounts I had with my auto insurance.  Therefore when the policy renews next month, it is going up about $300.  Damn.  Guess it could have been worse.  The company could have decided to drop me or up the policy more. 

WTF - I am not the Father

I was at work on Friday when the nephew called me.  He informed me that his 8 month pregnant girlfriend was at his place of employment causing a scene.  The manager of the location was threatening to call the police.  The nephew wanted me to call his girlfriend to try and calm her down.  WTF?!  Nigga, please.  That is not my girlfriend and she is not my child.  She grown.  If she decide she want to do something stupid, let her deal with the consequences.  I'm sure the jail cell will be big enough for her and her big belly.

Not Too Sure How I Feel About That

Ever since I was "released" from my full time job 3 weeks ago, I have spent time on the internet trying to find something.  I've posted my information on the basic job search sites (monster, careerbuilder, etc).  I get emails daily about potential jobs but nothing has come through yet.  As part of my release, my company offered assistance through a third party in my quest to find another job.  First of all, it took nearly 3 weeks for the third party to communicate the receipt of my resume.  Bear in mind I emailed the resume the day I was fired.  Add to this the fact that the resume reviewer basically told me the only thing right on my resume was the address.  Everything else was up for change.  Granted I haven't had to look for a job in 6 years so the resume is a little dated.  But if it is truly as terrible as this resume expert would have me believe, then I don't understand why any company would consider me (remember I get emails daily about possible positions).  I'm just not too sure how I feel about getting assistance from this third party. 

Old Habits Die Hard

My friends and I had been having Halloween parties for almost 10 years.  There have been a lot of fun times had over the years.  I love telling people who have not had the chance to hang out with us about all the foolishness that occurs.  With that in mind, I am usually one of the main organizers of the event.  I always do the invitation.  I take pride in coming up with something funny and witty to make the invitation unique for the year and memorable.  This year, however, there is no need for a Halloween invitation.  There will be no Halloween party for us in 2013.  The main reason for the cancellation is because most of our current group are scattered about with various schedules making it impossible to get everyone in the same place at the same time.  Add to that the fact that I was fired 3 weeks ago and really can't afford to spend any money on a party.  Even with these 2 strikes against me, I felt an emptiness about not making up an invitation for this year.  I made one up, just for kicks.  No one will ever see it other than myself but it felt good to let my creativity out.  I guess some old habits die hard and never die at all. 

Getting Lazy

I was really hoping to have landed another job by now.  Sitting around the house has started to make me lazy.  I find myself laying down more now than when I was out for my surgery and was not supposed to move around much.  It's not that I am sleeping more, I'm just laying on my ass doing nothing.  I try to stay busy around the house cleaning and organizing but that just becomes frustrating.  If I don't find something else pretty soon, I may not be physically able to work two jobs due to my increased laziness.  Damn. 

WTF Moment - Yet Another Ticket

Since the nephew has not taken it upon himself to have his mail forwarded to wherever the hell he is currently residing, his documents continue to come to my house.  Now when you add to this the fact that he does not come around to visit or to pick up his mail on a regular basis you may see when I have deemed it necessary to open anything with his name on it.  Today he received yet another letter from the circuit court.  This letter was to inform him of a ticket he received for improper equipment.  WTF?  After receiving tickets for not renewing your license and no proof of insurance in the last month, how the hell do you manage to get a ticket for something completely different?  I just don't understand it.  I see a nice jail cell in his near future.  Hope is soon to be newest baby mama doesn't mind talking to him in the privacy of a common area in a local jail. 

Visit with the Psychologist - Hour 5

Before I went to seem my psychologist today I went by a friend's apartment to assist with a home repair project.  While I was there I joked about what the upcoming hour with a medical professional would consist of.  Today she actually provided feedback on the personality inventory test I completed during the previous 2 sessions.  Some of my answers caught her attention so we focused on those today.  One of my answers stated I had seen a vision.   I told her about my near death experience when I flipped my car years ago.  Another answer was about being in trouble with the law.  I explained I was referencing my recent run in with the authorities but I have never been arrested.  We talked about my health concerns and I explained my 2 recent surgeries had me concerned because both cases happened with no true rhyme or reason.  It was at this point where we turned that corner and things headed south.  She said the test also revealed that although I am an agreeable person I have some defiant beliefs which are fueled by deep seeded anger.  One of the sources of my anger is my wife.  I didn't go into detail with the doctor because that would have taken several hours.  I explained the woman my wife is now is not the woman I feel in love with.  I've said the same thing to my wife and nothing has changed.  The doctor asked about our sex life.  I responded if the wife asks, she gets some but I am not one to initiate sex.  We talked about my kids and the fact that I would kill a motherfucker over them.  This is when it was time for the session to end.  I set another appointment with her for next week so we can start working on this deep seeded anger issue that I have.  We'll see how that goes.

WTF Moment - Come on In

This past weekend provided the setting for a WTF moment with my sister in law as the star.  I have to give a little background to set this up.  When all the drama happened with the nephew back in July, this particular in-law ended up with a copy of my house key (I really need to change the damn locks again).  Now, with that being said, let's begin.  Saturday I had to travel out of town with my wife and kids.  While we were away from home, sister in law calls.  The wife explains we are not at the house.  The wife provides the sister in law with the code to the alarm system and she is able to gain access.  On Sunday, the wife and kids decided to attend church.  I was at the house (truck parked in plain view in the driveway).  Sister in law pulls in next to my truck and calls to see if I am at home.  WTF?! Why are you calling to see if I am at home?  Don't you see my truck in the yard.  Plus, didn't you just waltz into my house on Saturday?  I could not make any sense of her phone call. 

Reminders All Around

Memories and experience are what make us who we are.  Good ones, bad ones and those we really can't categorize all total together to make us unique individuals.  I have said on more than one occasion, "if i knew then what I know now."  That quote is usually followed by "I would not change a thing."  I had a chance to talk with a friend yesterday.  We used to talk daily for several hours.  Work and life changes have forced us to limit our conversations.  When we talked, we referred back to a funny event from our past.  It was nice to be able to walk down memory lane.  The thing that gets me is that I have so many memories of her, I am constantly reminded of her.  Not that I want to get her out of my mind, I'm just reminded of how important she is to me.  Here are some examples:

1.)  I have to pass by her old apartment complex to visit a mutual friend.  I remember all the time I spent there.
2.)  She was fond of roses.  Every time the roses in my front yard bloom, I think about her.  I sometimes send her a pic.
3.)  Halloween is coming up.  She was always the biggest help when it came to planning and executing our parties.
4.)  I am currently working with a young lady who likes the same perfume as my friend.  Every time she walks by I close my eyes and imagine my friend standing there, smiling.
5.)  Full moon.  It's sometimes called the lovers' moon.  Every time I see it, I think of times we spent just staring at the moon and talking.
6.) Her old possessions.  When my friend moved, she was unable to take everything with her.  Last night I wrapped up in an old blanket of hers.  Made me miss her holding me.
7.)  White tiger.  She bought a picture of a white tiger for my because she was aware of my love for big cats.  It has a prominent spot in my room so I can always look at it.      

Time for an Upgrade - Social Media

I realized the other day that I may have to bite the bullet and rejoin the realm of social media.  I am somewhat hesitant to do it due to all the "changes" going on with privacy and things of that nature.  I am also apprehensive because of my past experiences.  The reason I am thinking of getting back into social media is because of my job search.  I noticed on a lot of company sites you can "follow" a company on twitter, "like" a company on facebook or use some other social media application to learn more.  Considering my need to quickly find a job to support me and my family, I am willing to do just about anything to help get my foot in the right company door.

Wife Swap

There is a show on television now called "Wife Swap."  I have never watched an entire episode but I have caught glimpses of it from time to time.  My wife and kids tried to explain the basic idea of the show.  Two families agree to let the women of the house swap lives for a short period of time.  The families are usually complete polar opposites which adds to the fun and chaos.  Imagine a neat freak swapping places with a pack rat.  At the end of the show the families are reunited and they learn to appreciate each other and how other people live.  With that in mind, I wish I could swap my wife for one of my close female friends.  This is where you should put the kids to bed because the conversation is about to get very adult.  I have been chatting with the friend for months about her continuing problems in her marriage.  A topic of conversation comes up frequently is sex with her husband.  Apparently his sex drive is higher than hers and he wants it more and more these days.  He also has grown a recent desire to have her perform oral sex.  She emphatically said no.  While laughing at her situation, I thought about the wife swap.  Her husband and my wife would be ideal for each other.  My wife could lay around all day fucking and sucking and be content.  I have never been a big fan of blowjobs.  She likes to give them and every now and then I allow it.  I know it could never really happen but the idea of those 2 freaks getting together is novel at best.

Visit with the Psychologist - Hour 4

I met with the psychologist again today.  I finished going through the last 100 questions on the personality quiz.  I noticed there were several references to suicide and harming myself in the last part of the exam.  After I finished, we sat and talked for awhile.  We discussed how I was doing and how I was feeling.  We also discussed what I believed to be the reason for my termination.  Session ended with her saying she would look over the test and complete her evaluation.  I hope she is able to quickly process the info.  I don't know if she realizes it but my company only sponsored a certain number of free sessions.  When you start talking about having to pay this lady to tell me what I already know about myself, the talking is going to stop.

WTF Moment - Printing Services

You would think that after dealing with the nephew for a couple of years, I would not be surprised by his actions and his words.  He supplied me with yet another WTF moment today.  I was driving home from an errand when my phone rang.  I looked at the caller ID and immediately changed my attitude.  The phone conversation went like this.

Me:  Hello?
Him:  Unk?  You at home?
Me: Nope
Him:  So you not at home?
Me:  I'm in my truck driving.  What's up?
Him:  I was tryna see if you could print something out for me
Me:  Kinda hard to print when I don't have ink.  I suggest going to the library.  You can print there for 20 cents per page.  How soon do you need it?

It was at this point when the WTF moment occurred.

Him:  How much does your ink cost?
Me:  Ink costs about $30 per cartridge and the printer needs 2 or 3.

What the fuck?  Why would you ask me how much ink for my printer costs?  Have you forgotten that you have not given me one red cent since you moved out in July?  Have you forgotten that you used my card twice since July to get gas and have not repaid me for those instances?  If you don't get yo stupid ass off my phone!

Today's Doctor Visit

Today was a "routine" visit to my diabetic doctor to see how things were going.  While I was in the lobby signing in, I gave my insulin pump to the receptionist so she could hand it to the nurse and begin the download on my glucose levels.  Another patient asked me, "Was that an insulin pump?  Do you like it?"  I responded yes and yes telling her that I had much better control with the pump than when I was taking the injections 3-4 times a day.  Her biggest concern about wearing a pump was it being visible through her clothes.  Since I did not know her I restrained myself from saying "Bitch kill yo self!"  I can't imagine an adult being more concerned with how they look than their health.  Talk about bullshit.  Anyway, I got called to the back.  My weight was the same as last visit which was a surprise considering my eating dropped off a lot since I was terminated.  The nurse asked if she could draw some blood.  I said sure but be warned you may have a problem finding a vein.  The vein showed up nice and ready to be stuck.  Second warning - it's going to run from you.  And of course when the needle went in my arm the vein rolled and she completely missed it.  Another nurse had to come and re-stick me to draw the blood.  A1C was 8.5.  Up a little from the last time but still not nearly as bad as those double digits I used to always get.  Cholesterol looked great.  Not bad for someone not taking cholesterol medication.  All in all the visit went well.  One slight change in my early morning dosage of medication and a 6 week follow up appointment before my health benefits expire.  Works for me. 

I'm Not Crazy...I Think

Friday was hour three with the psychologist.  I spent the majority of the hour by myself taking a personality quiz.  It was over 500 statements where the option was either true or false as it related to me.  Upon first glance at the quiz, I thought, "I'll fly right thru this."  At the end of the hour, I had about 50 statements left.  I think I was unable to complete the quiz in one sitting due to the fact I had to pencil in bubbles on a score sheet.  Imagine a single 8.5x11 piece of paper with 500 numbered lines on it.  Not exactly ideal test material.  Also the statements quickly made me realize the purpose of the test.  "People are out to get me."  "People steal my ideas."  "I hear voices."  "I am sick most of the time." "I get along with my mother."  "I like sex."  Based on the answers I provided I feel the test is going to reveal what most people know about me.  I'm smart, confident, friendly and have daddy issues.  I don't think I answered the questions in a way to reveal that I am crazy but I won't know that until I go back to her on Wednesday.

Stop Looking At Me

I have often wondered why some women feel that guys look at them like objects and not as people.  I guess because I have never been that way, it is hard for me to relate.  At least it was until last week.  I was getting dressed for work and my wife walked into the room.  She just sat down and starting staring at me.  No conversation, just this locked in gaze.  Have you ever watched one of those nature shows when a lion or a tiger is stalking its prey?  That's how I felt.  I felt like if I did anything wrong, she would pounce on me.  Now don't get me wrong.  I have no worries about her taking advantage of me.  My bigger concern is that she sees me as an object.  She sees me as her sexual partner and not as her husband.  Now if I ask her, "you are my rock.  You are my husband.  Father of my children.  My soul mate."  Whatever.  If there are times when all she sees me as is a dick, then she can stop looking at me.

Digging a Deeper Hole

I was already in a financial hole before my termination a week and a half ago.  Since then I have managed to dig myself further into debt.  I weighed my options before taking the chance and decided it was better to be further in debt than to be without some things.  I was at the bank last week when my youngest daughter called me.  She said we were out of milk and orange juice.  I hung up with her and prepared to withdraw some money to grab the items.  Wrong!  My account was already overdrawn.  It broke my heart to be unable to get the milk at that time.  Luckily I was able to borrow the money from a friend.  But that's just it.  I'm continuing to borrow so when I do get paid, my check is already spent.  I don't know how long I can keep digging this hole cause the dirt is about neck high at this point.

It's Been One Week

I've been thinking about what happened to me a week ago.  I've been playing "one week" by Bare Naked Ladies in my head all day.  A lot of things have crossed my mind in the past 7 days.  One of the most important thoughts was friends vs associates.  I worked in a call center of over 500 employees.  Granted everybody did not personally know me but considering I had been there half a decade, you would think a significant number of people would.  That being said, I can count on one hand the number of people who reached out to me since I was fired.  Times like this let you know who you can rely on when you are struggling.  Times like this also let you know, as I misquote Eminem, who I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire.  Am I mad?  Not really.  I'm just being me.  During the last 7 days, I have seen a psychologist twice.  The second meeting was a waste of time because I was running late and we did not really break any new ground.  Have my 3rd meeting with her tomorrow.  Not too sure what her goal is because as I told her in the initial meeting, I am confident in my skills. I've put in several applications online over the past few days and gotten a couple of callbacks so at least I know I am marketable.  It's been one week since I was fired.  Honestly, I think it may have been the best thing to happen to me in a long time.  

Usually This Time of Year...

Usually this time of year I am counting down the days to the annual Halloween party.  Usually this time of year I am still thinking of ways to decorate my yard and possibly my job.  Usually this time of year I am thinking about the birthdays coming up in November.  Usually this time of year I am not worried about money because of the way my jobs pay out.  Usually this time of year I am preparing for a field trip or two with my daughters.  Usually this time of year I would be trying to schedule time off from both jobs.  So much for what usually happens this time of year.  There is nothing usual about this year.

Third Party Information

I hate getting information 3rd party especially when it concerns someone I have a genuine interest/concern in.  I realize in today's social media society most people put their lives on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.  I'm not one of those people.  I don't have a Facebook, Twitter or Instagram currently and don't have the ability to follow or like anyone on those formats.  I prefer to get my information from the source itself.  Do you remember the game you learned in elementary school called "Secrets" or "The Whisper Game" or "Pass the Message?"  The game started with some silly random phrase like "The boy with the brown shirt has blue shoes and black pants."  The object of the game was to pass the message to the end of the line exactly as it was started.  Usually by the end of the line "the boy with the brown shirt has blue shoes and black pants" turned into "the girl with the black skirt and no shoes does handstands."  That's my problem with 3rd party information.  People put their own twist or spin on the facts and make things more/less than what they should be.  One of my best friends recently provided me with some interesting information about another friend we have in common.  My first thought was why are you telling me this?  My second thought was why has our mutual friend not shared this knowledge with me?  My final and most important thought was if the mutual friend does not choose to share the information then it is not my place to inquire about it because I found it out 3rd party.  

Spur of the Moment

I am usually not a big fan of "spur of the moment" events.  I like to plan things out down to the most minor detail and have contingency plans in place, just in case.  Every now and then, however, a spur of the moment opportunity presents itself and you just have to go for it.  This was the case last night.  I was about to leave work when I received a phone call from a friend.  This is how the conversation went:

Her:  What you doing?
Me:  Finishing up at work, bout to take it to the house. What's up?
Her:  You wanna ride to New Orleans?
Me:  When?
Her:  Right now.
Me:  Uhm... why are we going to New Orleans now and when are we coming back?
Her: Just because and we coming right back
Me:  Works for me. Let's go.

Now that's some spur of the moment shit for you.  We met at her apartment a little later and four of us took the 2.5 hour drive to New Orleans.  We walked Bourbon Street but there was not a lot going on.  Most of the establishments were closing.  We ended up going to grab a bite to eat and heading back home.  Total time for adventure 8.5 hours.  Typical workday hours.  You gotta love it. We weren't even missed.  Gives me the idea to plan another quick trip to N.O. if I get my money right and a certain individual is available for the drive.

Visit With the Psychologist

Anyone that truly knows me will tell you that I have always had a fear of visiting a psychologist/psychiatrist.  Well, it's not really fear.  It's more of a deep concern for being able to not get committed.  I have this belief that if I ever truly sit down and reveal just the smallest amount of what truly goes on in my twisted mind, they will lock my ass up and melt down the key.  My friends will tell you that I am not wrapped too tight.  I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer but my wit and sarcasm make me dangerous.  Following my release on Thursday, I made an appointment with a psychologist because I felt I needed someone who didn't know me that I could vent to.  As I told the doctor, my family and friends know me as a calm and confident person.  I wasn't too sure what might come out when I released what I was holding in about my termination.  Funny thing is that the doctor said she could see the confidence in me just in our brief conversation.  We talked about everything from my termination to my work ethic to my non-existent relationship with my donor, I mean father.  Not too bad for an hour long conversation.  I have a follow up on Wednesday when we will complete my "assessment" and determine what's best for me going forward.    

Genuine Concern

Much like my recent surgeries, my release from work on Thursday has shown me who my true friends are and who are the imposters.  I get released from work 2 hours into my shift.  Only one of my "peers" reached out to me to check on my that day.  What's even crazier about it is that the person that reached out to me took my response and sent it to someone else stating I was being an asshole about the situation.  My take on the matter is, if you don't GENUINELY care about me and my well being, then don't come to me with the fake, cordial, "because it's the right thing to do," sentiments of concern.  I'd rather you not even talk to me than come to me with some bullshit so you can throw it in my face later.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

I have been on an emotional roller coaster since my release on Thursday.  I have felt everything from sadness, to disbelief, to anger and frustration to joy.  I am hoping I am finally coming to an end of this ride so I can begin my focus on moving forward.

Reality Check

The reality of not having my full time job continues to set in.  I actually slept a little bit extra the last couple of days because I didn't have to be at work before the sun broke the horizon.  Yesterday, I started to clean the house and my kids joined in to assist.  I found myself on the internet today searching for jobs.  So much for my release from work being a bad dream. It is the truth and it is the reality I must now live with.  

Blindsided

As a middle manager in the fast food and tech support industries, I try my best to avoid blindside situations.  I keep my bosses as well as my subordinates in the loop as much as possible to avoid confusion.  I wish someone would have done the same for me.  I walked into work today and began my day as normal.  Two hours into my shift, I was let go.  Some people may argue that the signs were there and I chose to ignore them.  Others say I just got bitch slapped.  Regardless of how you look at it, I was blindsided with the information today and nothing is going to change that.

The Luckiest Unlucky Day of my Life

Today was one of those days you dream about but never expect to happen in real life.  I wish I could say it was an awesome day and everything went my way but that is not the case.  Today I was in a hit and run.  The truly fucked up part is that I was the one who did the hit and run...but I got caught.  I was driving down the road and attempted to switch lanes. There was a vehicle in my blind spot.  We collided.  This is where things got crazy.  Rather than pull over, exchange information and go about our merry way, I decided to lead the other driver on a high speed chase about 10 minutes up the road.  I have to give him credit for keeping up with me.  At the end of it all, I stopped, called in a claim to my insurance company and sent him on his merry way.  Unfortunately, our little collision resulted in damage to the passenger side of my vehicle and the front driver side of his.  I can't wait to see what the estimate is to get his 2007 model vehicle repaired.  Today was a lucky day because no one was hurt in the accident and I did not go to jail for leaving the scene of an accident.  Guess every now and then things do kinda go my way.

WTF - Arrest Warrant

I have never been the type of person to wish bad luck on anybody... to an extent.  I do feel people should get what they deserve in life.  That being said, I think the nephew has once again gotten what he deserved.  He received a letter in the mail today stating there has been a warrant issued for his arrest due to a failure to appear in court.  WTF?!  How in the blue hell do you fail to appear in court for some traffic tickets?  I made sure I gave him all the letters in regards to the tickets even though he no longer lives with me.  I told him he needed to pay the fines or appear in court on the date the letter stated.  Oh well.  He's been in jail before.  Guess he wants to go back.

WTF Moment - Medication

I received a text from my wife yesterday while I was at work that read: "I am out of my medication and I don't have any refills."  There's the WTF moment right there.  How in the hell do you not know you are about to run out of a medication you take daily in pill form?  Did you not look in the bottle and notice "Hmm, getting kinda low.  I may want to call in a refill before it's empty."  It would be different if she were mentally challenged and not able to process simple concepts.  But no.  This chick is college educated.  I wonder sometimes why did I get married.

Modern Day Parenting

Each generation has it's challenges when it comes the parenting.  Once kids reach a certain age, they think they are smarter than their parents.  In some cases, this is correct.  In other cases, not so much.  I was on the internet the other day just killing time and for some reason decided to google my oldest daughter's name.  I think my true intention was to see if she had posted any pics of herself or her siblings on the internet.  Google revealed a little more than that.  I was aware of her facebook page and have warned her many times about what she puts on it.  What I was not aware of was the youtube video she posted earlier this year as well as the twitter account.  I had a talk with her about them and I think we have established do's and don'ts.  Modern day parenting is truly a challenge.  Not only do you have to watch what your kids do when they are in your sight; you have to also manage what kids do in the sight of others.

Actions Speak Louder than Words

We've all heard the saying, "Actions speak louder than words."  It's what you do or don't do that defines you as a person.  You can either talk the talk and walk the walk OR sit your ass down and be quiet cause you aren't going to do anything meaningful.  Choose your actions carefully cause your words don't mean squat.

And then there was job 3

For the last 5 years, I have held down 2 demanding jobs.  At both locations, I am a part of the leadership team.  In total, I put in about 80 hours per week between the two.  And now I am about to add a third.  I never thought it would be necessary or possible based on my already hectic schedule.  But an opportunity has fallen into my lap and I intend to make the best of it.  I have a chance to work with a financial solutions company that helps people get out of debt and save money.  I make my own hours and work from home or from the office.  Perfect setup.  Now it's just a matter of completing the training so I am certified to perform the duties of the job.  Job Number 3, here I come.

Never thought it would be like this

After all the foolish things I have done with money throughout my life, I never thought I would end up in this situation.  My first credit card was an American Express with no limit.  I purchased a playstation, a bunch of games and accessories, an in dash cdplayer for my car and much more.  Then the bill came.  Lesson learned.  Even with that being said, I never thought I would be one of those people who can't his bills and is literally living check to check.  I never thought I would be behind on my car payment and nearing repossession.  I never thought that my first house would be in danger of being foreclosed on.  I never thought that I would have to decide if it is more important to put food in my fridge or gas in my truck.  I never thought I would not eat some days to make sure my children are provided for.  I never thought I would be working 2 jobs and be the sole source of income to support my family.  I never thought my sarcastic and comical look at bill collectors would become a reality.  I never thought it would be like this.

Doctor's Visit

Yesterday was yet another trip to the doctor.  Good news is that this was supposed to be a routine checkup.  I was a little fearful because of all the low blood sugars I experienced in the last few weeks.  That plus my surgery last month did not make a good mix.  I got in and they checked my vitals.  I have managed to lose 2 pounds since I last saw the doctor.  Blood pressure was elevated but that could be contributed to the fact I left work to make it to the appointment.  Then came the review of my blood sugars.  The doctor immediately picked up on the daily morning lows.  She also noticed that some days I did not use my bolus for the food I would eat.  I explained that most days I would eat to simply offset the low sugar but I did not eat a set number of meals each day.  End result of the visit was a reduction in all my basal rates for my pump and a commitment to eat more.  In particular, I have to eat breakfast daily.  I go back in a month to see if the changes are effective.  

WTF Moment - Social Media - Post #500

This will be post #500 so I wanted to make sure it is a good one.  We are going to make this one a WTF post about something that was said during a phone conversation my wife was having with her younger sister today.  My wife and I were in the car driving to her home town to get some stuff from her mother.  The wife was on the phone with her sister.  During her conversation, this is what I heard her say: "I done told people about social media and you can't post everything on there.  I don't know what would make them post funeral pics on facebook."  WTF?!!  WTF?!!  That statement deserves 2 WTFs?  First of all, who in the hell posts funeral pics anywhere except for a funeral home?  That is truly disrespecting the dead.  Secondly, I know good and damn well she is not talking about someone posting unnecessary shit on facebook.  Not Miss "I put pics of my kids and advertise my husband birthday on facebook."  That's worse than the pot calling the kettle black.

Unwanted Concern

I made the mistake of bringing together a couple of my friends and the situation has led to some unwanted concern about me.  During the last week of so, a couple of my female friends brought up the topic of going walking to get in shape.  I came up with the brilliant idea of all of us walking together - strength in numbers kind of mentality.  The three of us went walking yesterday and things went fine.  I was unable to join them today because I had to drive out of town.  They met up to walk and the topic of conversation was me.  All I can say is after today's walk, one of my friends has a whole new understanding of my personal life and is more concerned about my well being than I would like her to be.  I appreciate the gesture but I do not want anyone losing sleep or stressing over what I deal with on a daily basis at home.

What's Done in the Dark

I received a phone call from the nephew yesterday.  I was busy at work so I could not answer.  He called back and I was still working.  He sent a text message asking if I could call him.  I told him I would do it after work.  I called him on the way home.  I already knew what he had in mind before I dialed his number.  He wanted to borrow some money.  Apparently his criminal background finally caught up with him and he was released from his job.  He needed gas money to get to another job interview.  I quickly reminded him that I was out of work for 3 weeks and struggling to take care of my own household.  After I hung up with him I simply thought to myself, "What's done in the dark eventually comes to the light."

One Month Later

It's been a month since I had my scary encounter with the internal hernia.  Luckily the pain was too much for me to try to just grin and bear it.   That emergency room visit saved my life.  My surgery was successful.  I have gotten past my restrictions for my return to work and now everything is back to normal - almost.  I now have a new scar to add to my collection.  I'm starting to feel like 2pac with all these wounds.  I also still have some pain when I touch the incision sight.  But I'm better.  I'm able to function normally.  And for now, that is what is important.

No Halloween Party this Year

I was talking with one of my usual party organizers about Halloween this year.  We decided this will be the first year in a very long time we will not have a party due to a variety of reasons.  One of our usual party goers passed away earlier this year.  Others have moved on to other jobs (in and out of state) and their schedules are not as flexible as in previous years.  Our other co-organizer now works out of state and it is not worth the travel expense just to hang out one night.  The organizer who stays here had mentioned the possibility of traveling to see our other friend for Halloween.  My recent surgeries have killed any chance of that happening.  I am not financially able to invest in a party or travel at this time.  So it truly looks like no Halloween party this year.

WTF - Recent Fashion Fails

I observed several fashion fails over the past week or so.  I decided to share some of them here.

1.  If you are an overweight female and decide to wear a dress, it should not fit you so tightly that it appears your breasts and stomach are making a capital letter B.

2.  As an adult, if you are not actively participating in an athletic event or some activity where there is little to no visibility, you should not come out in public where shorts and a t-shirt which can only be described as the color highlighter pink.

3.  As a parent, you should not allow your teenage daughter to leave the house and be seen in any store wearing the shorts part of a silk/satin pajama set.

4.  People who are not in a profession which does not require it, should not wear scrubs.  *People who wear scrubs should make sure they fit properly.  The shirt should cover your abdomen and not reveal your gut.  The pants should not expose the crack of your ass.

5.  Guys should not be seen in capris.  (Sorry I refuse to believe this gentleman was wearing "walking shorts."

6.  If you are a male and your pectoral muscles look like a decent size B or C cup, you should not wear skin tight clothes.  They have big and tall stores for a reason.  Stop shopping in the kids section.

Money Makes the World Go Round

Everybody knows you need some type of money to survive.  Even primitive societies which don't utilize banking/financial institutions use some type of barter system to exchange goods and services.  I've reached a time in my life that I never saw coming.  My money is short, very short.  I have bobbed, weaved, been punched and punched back at my debtors for as long as I could and stood my ground.  Unfortunately, I think the breaking point is imminent.  My wife has not worked in 15 months.  She is still holding on to this dream of getting some type of settlement or disability payment due to her situation from work.  In the meantime, I have been working my ass off trying to keep us afloat.  My recent sickness and surgery really put a nail in our financial coffin.  It happened right at the beginning of the school year.  So rather than having money to get my kids what they needed for school and being financially stable, I'm currently ignoring phone calls on the daily about past due bills.  I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel right now.  Money make the world go round.  My world has come to a stand still.

Back to Work part 3

I officially went back to my full time job on Thursday.  I was only there for a couple of hours due to my wife's surgery but that will be another post.  I was at work all day Friday.  While I was there for the past day and a half, I realized my 3 week hiatus due to my surgery may not have been that bad at all.  I had dinner on Thursday evening with a current and a former co-worker.  We spent an hour talking about work.  My return re-emphasized my thought that some people refuse to listen.  Prior to going on leave I made a discovery about a potential problem.  I pointed this potential problem out to people I thought would be pro-active and get ahead of the issue.  Surprise!  No one did anything and now the situation is fubar.  I don't know how much longer I will be able to do this.  

Back to Work part 2

Tomorrow will be my first day back at my full time job.  Initially I was looking forward to returning to work and catching up with my peers.  There have been a lot of changes in the weeks I have been gone.  People from the job have kept me informed on some of the changes but not all.  Based on what they have told me, I am as estatic about returning as I once was.  I hope it is all their biased opinions and things have not taken a turn for the worse as they repeatedly told me.  I guess I will find out tomorrow when I go back to work.

No Deja Vu

During the last few days, the nephew has called on me for a few favors.  He asked to borrow a couple of dollars for gas.  He asked for information on how to find a business.  He asked to borrow some tools to complete some repairs.  It didn't really dawn on me until the phone call today what was happening.  He called to ask if I was at work.  When I told him no he asked could he stop by and get something to eat later from my part time job.  I reminded him that I don't work that job on Wednesdays.  That's when everything clicked.  He was falling back into the same routine as when he was living here.  Oh well.  Time to put a stop to that immediately.  No time for deja vu.  Been through that once.  Can't afford to deal with it again.

The Power of Silence

Sometimes in life it's not about what you say.  It's about what you don't say.  People often say that "actions speak louder than words."  Sometimes it's about what you do and don't do which has the biggest impact on a person.  Choose your words carefully as well as the actions you take.

WTF - Reading is Fundamental

Ever since watching the movie "Class Act," one of my favorite quotes has been "Reading is fundamental."  With that said, I was reminded on this on yesterday.  The nephew called me for information on locating a business.  I had never heard of the place so I tried to search for it on the internet.  I found an address and a phone number.  I gave it to him and he told me the number was not a working number.  I informed him that was the only information I could find.  I asked him where did he get the name of the business.  It was on a FedEx envelope he received weeks ago.  I looked at the envelope and quickly discovered the problem.  The place of business he was looking for was located in another city.  Plus the contact number was right there on the envelope.  WTF?  Did you not read the return address for the package before you contacted me?  Apparently not.  As I stated in the beginning, reading is fundamental.

Back to Work

Yesterday was my first day back at work.  Due to a misunderstanding about my return, I did not go in to my full time job.  I did however spend 5 hours at my part time job.  Needless to say, the crew was as happy to see me as I was to see them.  It really felt good to know I was missed.  It felt even better to be back in the swing of things.   Hopefully my life is on the track to get back to normal, whatever that is.

Follow Up with the Surgeon

I had my follow up visit with the surgeon and things went pretty much as I anticipated.  I spent most of my visit in the waiting room.  The nurse called me back to check my weight and blood pressure.  She placed me in a room to wait for the doctor.  He came in, took a quick look at the healing of the incision and asked how I was feeling.  I responded that I was feeling fine and was able to function as normal.  He and I agreed I could safely return to work next week.  So there you have it.  Three weeks out of work for an internal hernia.  Who would have figured something like that would happen to a guy like me?

Cause for Panic

I'm usually a very calm and collected person.  I don't let everyday stuff get under my skin.  Where other people get upset/frustrated/irritated, I just charge it to the game and move on.  That is usually the case.  This morning however, was a whole different category.  Considering I have not worked since my surgery, I was curious if my paycheck would be for a full 2 weeks of work.  I thought that since I had plenty of vacation time left everything would be ok.  No such luck.  I was only paid for a couple of days.  With insurance deductions and taxes, my check is scheduled to be less than $20.  Now that is a reason to panic - especially when major bills like car note and mortgage have not been paid.  Add to that the fact that I have other transactions I set for payday under the assumption I was receiving close to a full check and you can see the hole I dug myself.  So I panicked for a minute.  Just a minute.  Anything longer than that is pointless.  I calmed down and started thinking of how to remedy the situation.  Luckily the wife was able to call in a favor to get some money and so was I.  We should be ok for now.  But in my normally calm world, there was a true reason to panic this morning.

Opportunity for Payback

Karma has a way of rewarding those who wait for opportunity.  That being said, I have a great chance to repay my wife for her actions while I was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago.  She is scheduled for surgery on her shoulder next Thursday.  At this point in time, I am not aware of any of her family coming down to help.  Therefore, when she has the surgery, I'm going to do her the same way she did me.  No phone communication.  I'm going to politely take her phone from her and return it when I feel like it.  So when her family and friends call or text for an update, they will be in the dark.  Now is that spiteful? Yes.  Mean-spirited?  Of course.  Do I give a damn? No.  Payback can be so rewarding.

Back to the Doctor

I'm about 12 hours away from my follow up appointment with the surgeon.  All kinds of thoughts are running through my mind.  On the one hand, I feel good overall and think I can return to work.  On the other hand, I don't know if I really want to go back based on all the bullshit I have been hearing about the place since I had my surgery.  I also noted that when I tried to get up a little while ago, my pain level seemed higher than it had been over the last few days.  I'm not too sure what to make of that.  Guess we will have to wait on the good doctor and see what he says.

A Change for a Black Sheep

The title of this post holds a double meaning.  For the first time in over 10 years I attended church service.  Now don't get me wrong, church is fine for those who had the time and desire to attend on a regular basis.  Unfortunately the last few years have not been kind enough to grant me such things.  Considering I am still unable to work due to my recent surgery, I thought today would be a good day to finally check out the Mormon church service.  This is where the Black Sheep part of the title comes in.  I dressed myself in a black dress shirt, tie and khakis to attend the service.  Little did I know that it was customary for the men of the church to wear white dress shirts.  So I stuck out like a black sheep.  No big deal.  The members of the church were understanding and accepting.  Two members of the church gave testimonials today.  They both talked about change - the other part of the title.  As they discussed changes they made in their lives and how change was important, I thought about recent changes for me.  I thought about where I currently am in life and where I want to be.  I'm really thinking I need to make some changes in my life to be happy.  The changes will not be easy but they will be necessary.  I guess it really may be time for this black sheep to shed his coat and try on something new.

Rubbing Salt In a Wound

Anyone who has ever watched the "Lethal Weapon" series should immediately get the title reference.  This is how I felt yesterday.  I had a training session scheduled at work.  The session was scheduled months ago.  Since it was only supposed to last 3 hours I figured I could endure the pain and come home.  I mentioned to my wife on Tuesday night that I planned on going.  Keep that part in mind as you continue to read.  So yesterday I got up and got dressed.  I told my wife to wish me luck and took the 10 minute drive.  Once I arrived at the building, I went to speak to my boss to let her know my recovery was going well.  I did not receive a warm reception.   It seems my wife had phoned my boss and told her my intentions.  My boss read me the riot act and told me to leave.  WTF?  I don't know at that point if I was more upset with my boss for not being happy to see I was doing ok or at my wife for taking the bitch way out of handling the situation.   So I'm basically stuck at the house for a month.  Talk about rubbing salt in a wound.  How am I supposed to heal when no one wants to let me try and regain my strength?

Karma or Coincidence

I've been thinking about what happened to me last week and I have started to question if the situation was karma or coincidence.  Last week along with my regular weekly check I earned a small bonus from the company for not using all of my sick days during the year.  I had planned for the extra money to cover my girls school needs as well as some funds for me to do something nice for myself.  My surgery happened at just the right time to ruin those plans because now the extra money I would have had must be used to cover what I won't be making because I am off work for a month.  So is it just a coincidence that I got sick right when I had some extra dollars coming my way?  Or did karma see fit to prevent me from spending money on something I may regret later?  Who knows?

Cell Phone Hostage

As I discussed in the last couple of posts, I had surgery last Wednesday.  Good news is that it happened on my day off.  Bad news is that that my wife decided to hold my cell phone hostage until Friday.  I was supposed to be at work Thursday morning.  Obviously that was not going to happen.  I was unable to alert me boss to my absence because, guess what?  I didn't have my damn cell phone.  My wife asked for the number to my manager so she could talk to her.  Guess what?  I don't have the number memorized!  I need my cell phone to get the number for you.  After two days of foolishness and not giving me my phone, she brings it to the hospital without the charger.  Are you fucking serious?  Really?  I know she thought she was doing what was in my best interest but in actuality she was only succeeding in pissing me off.  I still can't figure out why she wanted to keep my cell phone hostage for 2 days.

Strange Bedfellows

During my stay at the hospital, I had a lot of random, weird thoughts and dreams.  Most were interrupted by someone needing to check my vitals or give me some medication.  Part of one of the dreams really stuck out to me and I wanted to make sure I talked about it on the blog.  In this dream, I was on the beach somewhere.  Apparently there was some sort of carnival or festival going on because there were lots of people, food distributors and games.  As I was walking along, I came across a group of females dressed in similar but not identical outfits.  They were getting ready for some type of contest.  I recognized one of the ladies as one of my agents from work.  She is slightly older than my average agent but she does her job just the same.  As I approached her in the dream, she pulled her top off revealing her bare breasts.  Needless to say I was shocked.  She looked at me and said, "These young girls can't compete with these breasts! Go ahead, touch them!"  I told her to put her shirt back on cause she was in public.  I also told her, jokingly, that if she played her cards right, I would play with them later.  The dream faded to black and the next scene was me and the agent in bed together.  We were still fully clothed but things were getting heated.  It was at this point when I woke from the dream.  I'm not too sure what led to the dream.  I have never looked at or thought about this agent in a physical way.  Maybe it was the medicine they were giving me at the hospital.  Who knows?  I just know that dream had some strange bedfellows.

No Pain No Gain

I shocked some of the hospital staff during my 5 day visit with them last week.  Immediately after my surgery, one of the nurses asked if I needed any pain medication.  I told her no and that my current pain level was tolerable.  She said ok and reminded me that I had some medication ordered if I needed it.  I never needed it.  Every nurse that came in the room asked the same question and got the same response.  One of the nurses stated to me she had seen guys twice my size have less invasive surgeries than my procedure and they would demand pain meds.  Sorry.  I'm not like most guys.  I figured the fastest road to recovery was to work through the pain rather than try to mask it with drugs.  No pain, no gain.

Liquid Diet

After my surgery, I could not have any food until my stomach had a few days to heal.  I was on IV fluids until they upgraded me to solid foods.  Anybody that knows me, knows the last thing I need is a liquid diet.  I weigh about 120 pounds at my heaviest.  So imagine my surprise when the doctor had me on IV fluids and chicken broth for 4 for the 5 days I spent in the hospital last week.  I joked with some of my co-workers and told them I was going to disappear due to lack of nutrients. On the other side of the coin, I was never so happy to get a piece of bland, unseasoned, baked hospital chicken as I was on Sunday.  It was the first piece of real food I had been given since I was admitted.  And it was delicious.

Stomach Ache = Surgery

Last Wednesday was the first day of school for my 2 oldest kids.  I made sure I was awake early cause the 8yr old had to catch the bus at 630am.  I noticed a pain in my abdomen at the time but didn't think too much of it.  I figured it was due to the bag of jellybeans I ate before laying down for the night.  After my other child was off to school, I tried to go about my Wednesday as I typically would but the pain would not go away.  I kept thinking it was gas or constipation.  I went to the bathroom and that brought no relief.  By Wednesday afternoon, I found myself laying on the couch in pain.  I ended up going to the ER cause none of the local clinics were immediately available.  Once at the ER, the doctor came into the exam room, said some long-winded doctor-like phrase that didn't mean shit to me and told me that he wanted to run a CT scan on me.  While waiting on the CT scan, I started vomiting.  Nothing like puking your guts out to make medical professionals put some pep in their step.  After the scan, the doctor told me I needed surgery immediately.  Apparently I had developed a hole in my bowel and my intestine decided to go through the hole.  The intestine was actually trapped in the hole and was being cut off to the point it was turning colors.  The doctor told my wife in 25 years on medicine, he had never seen anything like it.  Guess I was lucky he knew what to do to fix my stomach ache.  

The Past 7 Days

It's been one week since my last post.  Now at one point in time, this would be the normal time frame of me procrastinating before trying to cram a week's worth of my life into a few quick posts.  This time however, the delay was caused by something a little more than a lack of enthusiasm.  I've been in the hospital and am now stuck at home recovering.  I'll detail the what and why in the next next posts as well as talk about things that cross your mind when you are facing pain and the unknown.  It's been an interesting 7 days.

It's Not Always About You

One of my friends gave me a shirt that says "I Don't Know What I Would Do Without You but I Bet It's Awesome."  I was wearing the shirt one day last week and the wife happened to look at it.  Her response was "What's that supposed to mean?  You got problem with me?"  I replied back to her, "Who said the shirt was even talking about you?  You ASSUMED it was about you and just made an ass of yourself in the process."  I need her to understand my world does not revolve around her.

It's Hard in the Real World part 2

The nephew contacted me again this weekend asking for money.  Being a convicted felon, he has to see a parole officer and pay a fee once a month.  Well it is time to see the parole officer and he does not have the funds to cover the fee.  Hell, he does not even have the gas money to drive to the police station.  I don't know what is going to happen to him but I cannot help him.  If not paying this parole fee doesn't land him in jail, the unpaid ticket he has will.  That letter arrived last week stating if he did not appear in court next month, a warrant would be issued for his arrest.  It's hard in the real world.

It's Hard in the Real World

The nephew has quickly discovered that the real world is a lot harder than it appears to be when you are not ready to handle it on your own.  He has been out of the house 3 weeks.  During that time, he has contacted my on occasion for gas money.  He has also received letters in the mail about his bank account being overdrawn, car note not paid, a traffic ticket and various medical bills.  He's learning real fast that it hard in the real world.  I tried to teach him what he needed to survive but he neglected my lessons. Oh well.

WTF - Songs about Cheating

I was home on Wednesday doing my usual cleaning.  I was working on folding clothes in my room when the wife decided to come in and talk to me.  I usually listen to music while working at home to help pass the time.  I don't remember what song was playing.  The wife made the comment "Why is it that most of the songs you listen to are about cheating?"  I just looked at her.  WTF?  What in the blue hell are you talking about?  Most of what I listen to is old R&B.  Baby-making music as some like to call it.  Now every now and then I will listen to something about infidelity but not all the time.  More importantly, it's just music.  It's not how I live my life.  I need her to stop being so paranoid.

WTF Moment - Saddlebags

I had to work the day shift at my fast food job on Tuesday.  While I was there,  a woman walked in with her 2 kids.  She did not appear to be very old - maybe late 30s or early 40s.  She walked up to the counter to place her order and I noticed her outfit.  She was wearing sandals, capris and a spaghetti strap top.  The top was low cut.  Now let me remind you that I am a man and dammit I'm going to take full advantage of any opportunity to observe the beauty of a female.  I was truly disappointed.  This ladies's breasts looked like 2 saddlebags - flat and lifeless.  WTF?  Why do you come out the house trying to show off your nonexistent titties?  Next time wear a tshirt and a padded bra.  Yes, I know I am wrong for that statement but guess what?  This is my blog.  These are my thoughts and opinions.  If you don't like, feel free to stop reading.

Death All Around

There has been a lot of death around me in the last couple of weeks.  I found out a week ago that one of my former managers, a lady in her late 30s died.  My wife learned this week that her uncle died.  While speaking with my mother I was informed one of my uncle's sisters had died.  They say death comes in three's.  Hopefully it has completed the cycle for the time being.

WTF - Do you see what I see?

I was driving down the road the other day and saw something utterly hilarious to me.  There was a Honda Civic driving on its spare tire.  This Honda Civic was towing a trailor with a riding lawnmower on it.  WTF?  The mower was about the same size as the car.  What would have happened if the car broke down?  Was the driver going to hop on the mower and ride home?  SMH.

WTF - Why are you here?

The nephew told me Friday that my sisters-in-law had met up with him and taken his copy of the house key.  I didn't think too much of it at the time.  When I came home from work Friday night, guess who was at my house?  Both my younger sisters-in-law.  WTF?!  Who da hell invited you to come to my house?  My wife was out of town so no one was there when they arrived.  Apparently they initially planned on spending the night but changed their minds at the last minute.  I just love how my home is a damn hotel where I don't get paid by my guests.

Don't Miss a Good Thing Til It's Gone

This might be mean and petty of me but the nephew is truly missing how good he had it while he was living with me.  He has called me twice this week asking to borrow money for gas.  Both times I politely declined.  How do you expect to be able to take care of yourself and a family when you can't even get to work?  All that time he was living here for free and should have been saving has caught up with him.

The "What If" Game

I am not a big fan of the "what if" game.  I feel the events that have happened in our lives are what make us who we are.  If it didn't happen, it was not meant to be a factor in our development.  But every now and then, just for laughs or to really make me focus, I play the "what if" game.  Below are some of the what if questions I asked myself today.  They are completely random so please don't try to find a pattern or a common link.

What if this quiet, nerdy little guy had not caught the eye of my now wife at that summer camp almost 20 years ago?  Where would I be?  Who would I be with, if anyone?

What if I actively pursued the one that got away from my childhood days?  We were the best of friends and knew everything about each other.  Her family liked me.  Her kiss was exquisite.  The one sexual encounter we had was on the couch in her college apartment when she agreed to let me go down on her.  The look on her face once I finished is still burned in my mind.  What could have come out of that possible relationship?

What if I had gotten a divorce after my infidelity six years ago?  Where would I be working?  Who would I be with?  Would I still be a father of three?  Who would my wife be with?

What if I had opted for a divorce after my wife was diagnosed with depression and ruled unable to work?  Where would my kids and I be right now?  Would my wife be a prisoner in some state mental hospital?  Would her family have stepped up to care for her in her condition?

What if I divorced my wife after all the drama we have been through and pursued a relationship with the woman who stole my heart a few years ago?  She embodies everything I look for in a mate - smart, witty, good-looking and willing to do what it takes to survive.  What if the other woman had not been involved with someone else at the time?  Would she and I be an ideal couple?

What if my co worker had accepted my offer for the trip with all the stipulations?  Would I have been able to go through with it?  Or would my conscience have kicked in and stopped me in my tracks?  Would she have enjoyed it and wanted more?

That's the problem with the what if game.  A lot of thoughts run through your mind.  Unfortunately for me, none of those questions will ever be answered.

Over Confident

One of the traits people associate with me is confidence.  I'm confident in my skill set and I am up for any challenge.  That confidence is also a curse.  Confidence has led me to say and do things without worrying about the consequences.  Case in point - recently I made (which in hindsight seems like a foolish idea), an offer to a co worker to take her on an overnight trip and cover all the expenses.  She had to tell me yes our no by the end of our work day.  Her response was she wanted to think about it more.  The next day the confidence in me caused a problem.  I told her I knew she wanted to go but was trying to figure out how to escape one of the stipulations of the trip.  I went on to tell her not to worry about it and the offer was null/void.  Confidence made me ruin a chance to show someone a good time because they needs longer to ponder the deal.  Being over confident can be a curse.