A Reason, a Season or a Lifetime

I felt the need to post this article.  I don't take credit for anything in it.

A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime.  People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.  They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are.  They are there for the reason you need them to be.  Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.  Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.  Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.  What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;  their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.  They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it!  It is real!  But, only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);  and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

What are you looking at?

Something odd occurred at work the other day and it has been on my mind ever since.  I am hoping that writing about it will give me the needed closure.  One of my female co-workers asked me to come by her desk and assist with a report she has having difficulty formatting.  I stopped by the snack machine to grab some chips and proceeded to her desk.  When I sat down, she turned and looked at me to acknowledge my presence.  She quickly turned her head away.  She looked back at me smiling and turned away again.  She then asked me to leave her desk for about 5 seconds and to return.  I gave her a "What the hell?" look and walked off.  At this point in time, I was trying to determine what happened to cause her reaction.  Did I have something in my teeth?  Was there something in my nose? Did she need to adjust her clothing?  Many more possibilities raced through my mind over the next few minutes.  I returned to her desk and asked if she was ready to look at the report.  She said yes.  I asked what caused her reaction.  She told me that for some reason when she turned and looked at me, she started thinking of me in an inappropriate manner.  Do what? We work together everyday.  What about that particular moment in time made that thought cross your mind?  She later explained it was just something that came over her - no rhyme or reason.

Christmas 2012

I guess that Christmas 2012 has passed by like any other day rather than being a holiday.  Well, I shouldn't say that because there have been a couple of good things that happened to me today.  First of all, I had to work.  Now I volunteered to work on this holiday so it's no big deal.  Just kinda sucks that the holiday fell on my usual day off so I work 6 days this week rather than 5.  My peers and I decided to collaborate on a meal for the managers because most eateries would be closed today.  The meal came out pretty well.  We had rotel, bbq smokies, cookies, cake, fruit and sandwiches.  Not a bad spread with only four people putting it together and feeding about a dozen.  When the evening shift came in, one of the supervisors told us we could leave since we had been there since the building opened.  I left and spent a little while chatting with a friend.  I currently sit at my house alone because my wife and kids are out of town.  I think I am going to do some cleaning up and then call Christmas 2012 a done deal.

True Beauty

I came home from work today with a lot on my mind.  As I walked to the front door, I glanced at the flower beds.  The cantalilies were simply green and brown stalks holding on for dear life preparing to succumb to winter's chill.  The rose bushes seemed to have lost the fight since most had little to no leaves.  One bush though, had not given up.  There, right next to my front door, was a white rose with pink highlights.  The only burst of life and color in the entire ten-foot long bed.  It was the perfect representation of true beauty.  It showed me that regardless of the surroundings, true beauty will always shine through.

Denied

My wife received her letter from the social security disability office yesterday.  She is out of town so I opened it to confirm what I already knew.  She was denied.  No disability check for her. I knew she would be denied.  The reason for the denial:  even though she suffers from depression, migraines and is bipolar the social security administration feels she is still able to work.  She may not be able to work the job she had previously but she can work.  Let's see what happens with her now. I've been telling her this all along.  She refused to believe me.  She wanted to go with what the doctor said.  Hope she realizes the denial decision was based on information from several sources including him.

So Much Drama in Da Dirty South

The nephew decided to text me yesterday to ask if I had a minute to talk.  I texted back ask what was the issue.  His vague response was "a lot of things."  I don't understand the youth of today.  I called him to see what the issue was this time with the mentality that I really don't give a fuck.  He decided to tell me that rather than give me the money he owes me, he gave it to one of his kids' mother since his little girl is about to start daycare.  This is where the story takes that fucked up turn.  He goes on to tell me there is a chance the baby may not be his and the chick admitted to this fact.  Do what?  Baby not his?  I told him I had no advice for him at this point and he may want to seek legal advice.  What in the hell?  Once again I need people to be careful who they lay up with.  I'm proof of that everyday now that I am dealing with my bipolar wife.  I have never seen so much unnecessary drama in my life.

Holiday Spirits

The last couple of days have succeeded in giving me reason to enjoy the spirits of the holiday season.  Yesterday, based on the great news I received about my readmission into school, I purchased a bottle of vodka as a congrats to myself.  Today, my manager gave me another bottle of flavored vodka for a Christmas gift.  Did I mention the wife and kids are out of town?  Things are really shaping up for me to be able to enjoy the spirits of the holiday.

Finally Some Good News

I have really gotten to the point I dislike having my cell phone.  Granted I work in a call center during the day and a pizza chain at night, I don't mind talking on the phone.  My problem comes with WHO is calling all the time.  I realize these people are only doing their job but I am at the point I have the script for my mortgage company memorized.  I even went thru the whole thing one day with no prompting from the agent because she caught me at a bad time.  Today, however, I received some welcome news.  My appeal for readmission into online classes was approved.  I've got another chance to achieve my goal.  When my advisor called me today with the news I was elated.  I told her the phone call was the best Christmas gift I could have received this year.  Now I just have to make the most of this opportunity.  

Friends

I’ve talked many times about the relationship I have with my real friends.  My ride or die compadres.  One of my friends texted me on Monday night saying she may need a ride to the doctor on Tuesday because she was ill.  I had an eye appointment Tuesday morning so I asked what time she needed to go.  Tuesday morning I went by her house to check on her.  She looked and sounded terrible.  She called her physician and was told to come in immediately.  I took her to the doctor and spent the next two hours of my off day in the office with her.  After getting her diagnosis, we went to the pharmacy to drop off the prescriptions.  I took her home and returned to the pharmacy to get her medicine.  I dropped the medicine off on my way to work.  That’s the advantage of having real friends.  They will be there for you through thick and thin, sickness and in health.  

Working for Nothing

The nephew’s bank statement showed up the other day.  I was unaware it was here because I seldom check the mail.  While speaking with my wife about him and his current financial status, she mentioned the statement.  We looked at it to see if we could figure out where he was spending his money cause it obviously was not being spent on my household.  I was dumbfounded by what I saw.  The statement detailed the fact his account was $200 overdrawn at the beginning of the month.  He got paid which erased the overdraft and then proceeded to spend more money.  He again caused his account to be overdrawn by about $200.  The statement actually had a line stating the total overdraft fees for the year which exceeded $1400.  That’s enough to pay truck note and mortgage for one month.  Now I see why he has no money.  He is basically working to pay the bank.  He is working for nothing.  

Wile E Coyote

Have you ever watched the old Wile E. Coyote/Road Runner cartoons?  To this day it amazes me that Wile E.  spent years of his life plotting and planning to catch this elusive bird and always failed.  No matter what scheme he hatched or how much he charged on his Acme card, he could never succeed.  I always wonder what would have happened if he actually caught the Road Runner.  I am starting to feel that way in my life.  I have tried and tried yet some things just won’t work out the way I want them to.  I’m starting to think I’m a modern day Wile E Coyote.  With that being said, I think this modern day coyote is going to do the smart thing and give up the chase.  No use wasting time on what will not be.

Inside That I Cried

Inside that I cried.  That's how I used to be.  I used to have this awesome poker face.  I could look like nothing was bothering me when my world was in fact, in total chaos.  I used to keep everything to myself.  I used to keep my problems inside so as to not bother others.  The problem with keeping everything inside is that eventually there has to be a release.  I have started to release more and more as my life continues its downward spiral.  In the past, no one knew anything about me.  Today, I am willing to tell every intricate detail of my existence to anyone willing to listen.  I have to get back to how I used to be.  Gotta get back to crying only on the inside.

Crime and Punishment

There's a saying that goes "don't do the crime if you can't do the time."  My two oldest children decided to do something they were not supposed to do today and are having to learn a harsh lesson.  My wife called me  around 2pm today to inform me that our two oldest children decided to skip school today.  Apparently rather than get on the bus this morning they decided to go into the attic and hide out all day.  Good news is that neither of them were hurt.  The punishment for skipping school had to be severe.  I decided the punishment would be no Christmas gifts for either of them.  The middle child ran down the hall crying.  The eldest, in true defiance, was nonchalant.  She muttered under her breath that she had money and could get her own gift.  I guess she has forgotten that she can't drive to go anywhere to purchase said gift.  Let's wait and see how my girls deal with crime and punishment.

Times Have Changed

My eldest daughter had her choir concert tonight.  This was a shining example of how things have changed over the years.  First of all, for it to be an event at night at the school, I expected some type of security.  Nope.  When we walked into the building there was a group of kids handing out programs.  They were dressed in jeans, tennis shoes and one girl was even wearing a cap.  Not exactly what you expect walking into a choir program.  As we approached the auditorium there was a young man sitting on the floor talking on his cell phone while it was plugged into the wall charging.  During the program I noticed a woman recording the show with her tablet PC.  Many others were taking pics and recording the show with their smartphones.  Long gone are the days of big bulky camcorders.  Times have surely changed.  

Unfit to Work

Based on the conversation with the doctor yesterday, it has been determined my wife is unfit to work a strenuous full time job.  The doctor said she should be able to handle light duty.  What the hell is light duty?  Basically this son of a bitch told me that my wife needs to be a housewife.  Great.  She’s been out of work 6.5 months and is no better at keeping the house up than she was when she was working full time.  Maybe he should have said she is unfit to do any type of work. 

These are Her Confessions – Thoughts of Suicide

While at the doctor yesterday my wife made a confession.  She always seems to want to reveal these dark truths when we are at one of her doctors.  She told the doctor and myself that she hadn’t been sleeping at night.  She told us that she sits up at night thinking of ways to kill herself and she does not know why.  She told us she took 11 sleeping pills one night recently.  Guess what?  They didn’t work.  She woke up the next morning.  I’m not too sure if it was a miracle or luck.  What I do know is that her doctor is a motherfucking fool for prescribing more of the same pill after that confession. 

WTF – Not Pregnant

My youngest daughter is 3yrs old.  I’m starting this entry off with that information because it plays a vital part in understanding what I am about to say.  I went to my wife’s appointment with her yesterday.  As we were leaving the office, we stopped at the payment window and were greeted by the new secretary.  She looked at my wife and asked “how far along are you?”  My wife looked and said “I’m not pregnant.”  WTF?!  As a female, if your stomach is big to the point people think you are pregnant when you aren’t and you did not recently give birth, you’ve got a problem.  It’s time to get off the couch, out the bed and in somebody gym or on the floor doing some crunches.  It’s funny how she wants to be someone I am proud to have on my arm.  She used to be that.  Nowadays – not so much.  

The Hand I was Dealt - Countdown to Losing Everything

Until recently I think I did a pretty good job of handling the hand life dealt me.  I kept a few aces up my sleeve just in case things didn’t go my way.  I guess life decided to switch things up and change dealers.  And this new motherfucker is ruthless.  Every time I think I have the upper hand, he pulls a Joker.  I can’t compete with that no matter how hard I try.  I think it is time to begin my countdown to losing everything.  I never thought I would reach this point in my life.  Working hard and always hustling has gotten me through some tough times.  This time however, there isn’t a hustle in the world that can turn things around.  I’m going to do what I can to survive as long as I can but eventually everything I have worked so hard to get will be gone. 

Don’t Hate the Personality

My wife decided to accompany me to my appointment yesterday.  Needless to say, that did not go well for her.  When I walked into the office the administrative assistant instantly greeted me by saying my name.  The nurse called me back to check my vitals. As usual I was cracking jokes about what the test results would say.  I saw the doctor (who happened to be female) and it was pretty much the same routine.  I just have one of those personalities where people like me.  When we left the office and got in the car, the first thing out of my wife’s mouth was “do you flirt everywhere you go?”  I just looked at her.  Call it what you want.  I know who I am and what I do.  And I bring smiles to people everywhere I go.

WTF – Fashion No-No

We have been having some weird weather lately.  Well I shouldn’t say weird because it is typical of this time of year.  Freezing temps over night and mid 60s by noon.  With that in mind, I saw what I consider a fashion no-no today.  I was driving past a park with a walking trail.  I saw a young lady walking the path.  She was wearing a sweatshirt, some tights and snow boots.  WTF?  First of all, it rarely snows here.  I mean like rarely to the point that an inch of snow would shut shit down.  Secondly, who the hell goes walking for exercise in snow boots?  

Letting Go of the Past

I am a huge fan of my past.  I find myself spending hours on the internet watching old videos from the 90s.  That was a happy time in my life.  Graduated in the mid 90s and went off to college.  I had my whole life to look forward to.  I should have known when our first child was born life was going to take a drastic turn.  I thought if I keep pushing the woman in my life she would become successful with me.  That didn’t happen.  I keep looking to my past looking for answers and I’m not finding them.  I guess it is time to let go of the past and move on.

Don’t Use My Children Against Me

One of the things I dislike the most about my wife is when she tries to use my children against me.  She puts the children in the middle of our personal conflicts and uses them as a shield.  Prime example occurred yesterday.  I was pissed off after her doctor’s appointment.  Rather than cursing her for the rest of the day I went the opposite direction and decided not to talk to her at all.  Due to the silent treatment, she decided to stay in my room (my mancave).  There is where I sleep every night without her.  So why did she feel so obliged to come into the room with our 3yr old and make a place on the floor to sleep?  I guess she figured I would not act a fool because our child was there.  She was right partly.  I didn’t act a fool.  I chose to sleep in the bedroom by myself.  Once again, don’t use my children against me.  Things will not work out the way you want. 

Doctor's Visit

I had another doctor visit today.  Today I had to go see the team of people who handle my diabetes.  My wife decided to take along on this trip.  Needless to say, things were interesting. First of all, when my blood pressure was checked, it was a little high.  Nothing major, just high.  My A1c was down to single digits but still not where we want it to be.  While we were in the lobby, I was reading an article about the symptoms of high blood glucose.  One of the symptoms was erectile dysfunction.  I showed the article to my wife because I had mentioned to her recently that my blood sugar was the cause of us not being able to be intimate one night.  So when we were talking to the doctor she wanted me to bring up the matter.  The doctor's response...pills.  She explained options like Cialis and Viagra run about $25 per pill and are not covered by insurance.  She told me about another pill made by the same company for about half the price.  She gave me some samples to try.  We'll see how this works out.

I Don't Know What to Tell You

Last night the nephew came to me with a situation.  He informed me that the young lady who caught a charge for had visited his job.  He went on to tell me she spoke to his current girlfriend.  She told the current girlfriend she lied about the whole situation with the nephew.  He asked me what should he do about it.  I told him he could talk to the young lady and see if she would be willing to talk to a lawyer/judge about the truth to try and clear his name.  I also told him it may be too late because the damage has been done.  I don't know what to tell him.  I have never been in a situation remotely close to what he is going through.

What Makes Me Smile

This morning a friend sent me a text message.  Simply reading it made me smile.  I've been thinking about that message as I have been growing throughout my day.  It doesn't take much to make me smile.  I've been watching old 90s videos on youtube for the last 1.5 hours thinking about the good old days.  I was reminded of a happier time in my life.  I was reminded of what it takes to make me smile.

It Was All Good Just A Week Ago

Things seemed to be ok in my life just a week ago.  I had a conversation with one of my managers.  He told me it was the end of the year and time for annual reviews.  He told me he appreciated my help with trying to maintain the business and help it grow.  I had started to regain my focus and attention at my full time job and was preparing to lead my team in to the new year.  Then BAM! Shit happens.  Apparently I took too long to decide to lead my team into 2013 because my manager has decided to take some unique measures to ensure my success.  Good news is that I still have the job.  My other manager decided to tell me that for some reason the weekly reports had not been sent to our corporate team the last couple of weeks and that I must be doing something wrong.  Now mind you that I have been doing these reports for years with no problem.  Oh, almost forgot to mention the stuff at home.  First of all, my wife is having suicidal thoughts again.  As usual we spent all around each other and she said nothing. As soon as I left for work, I received a text about her head hurting and not being able to sleep so she was thinking of ways to kill herself.  And finally for this week, my wife decided to text me again while I was at work to tell me that our eldest child is gay.  I have no problems with my child being gay.  My problem comes from the fact that the wife found out about our child's sexual preference via facebook and then communicated the info to me via text.  It's times like this when I hate modern technology and social media.  I want to go back in time.  Things were all good just a week ago.

I Ain't Got No Worries

My wife raised a concern to me today stating I seem to be heading back down a path of destruction from earlier in our marriage.  One of my female co-workers has started to text and call me a lot.  There is nothing going on between us and I can say she is happily married with kids.  She just likes having someone to relate to at work.  My seems to think there may be more to the story.  I gave her my relationship quote:  "If you are taking care of your partner, physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually then he/she is not going to leave."  After I made that statement, my wife said she was not sure where she rated because I never provide her with feedback about the physical and with her not working, the financial is bust.  I ain't got no worries cause I am taking care of my business.   Hope she takes that message to heart.

That Shit Ain't Cute

I am one of the first people to say every outfit is not made for every body.  Just because it looks good in a magazine, on a mannequin or even on your friend, does not mean it will look good on you.  Take today for an example.  I saw a young lady trying to look cute in a sweater dress, tights and heel boots.  Now the outfit itself was a great ensemble.  The body it was wrapped around not so much.  I need people to really know how to look at themselves in a reflective surface and truly question if they should be seen in public in certain clothes.  

WTF Moment - Common Sense

Some things in life are just common sense.  If it is raining outside you either stay indoors or find something to keep the water off of you.  If it is cold outside, you grab something to keep you warm.  If your car is making a loud, strange noise, you get it checked out.  At least that is what the average person does.  Needless to say, my not so average wife has been transporting my children around in the van and it sounds terrible.  There is a knocking which seems to be coming from the passenger side.  Add to this the fact that it looks like someone hit the side of the van and left paint on it.  WTF?  You tell me you saw it a couple of days ago and didn’t tell me?  It’s days like this that really make me wanna become an alcoholic.

Who Motivates the Motivator?

I try to be a motivator to most people in my life.  I try to see the best in people and encourage them to put forth effort.  I like to make people smile, laugh and enjoy life.  What happens, however, when I am the one who needs encouragement?  What happens when I hit a rut and don’t want to be bothered?  Who motivates the eternal motivator?

Give it Up, Turn it Loose

I have been told that if you love someone or something you should have enough faith to let it go.  If the person or the thing comes back to you, then it was meant to be.  That’s the hard part - letting go.  I have reached a point in my life once again where I need to just let go cause I’m holding on to something with a deteriorating thread.  Guess it’s time to give it up and turn it loose. 

Thankful

I'm thankful for the way my body handles my disease for the most part.  I'm thankful that during a hypoglycemic episode candy or glucose tablets can correct the issue and allow me to function.  I'm thankful that during a hyperglycemic episode, a dose of insulin, some water and time are all that's needed to correct the issue.   I'm thankful that my body does not want to go to the hospital and even when it is not at its best, it is good enough to perform most of the tasks asked of me.  I'm thankful that so far, my disease is not life-threatening.

Tight Teeth

I have a gap between my two front teeth.  Years ago, I chipped one of them and had to see a specialist about getting it repaired.  The doctor suggested veneers to cover the tooth.  He also told me he could close the gap between my teeth as part of the procedure.  I told him he could narrow the gap.  I explained the gap was a part of me because I have had it since before I was school age.  Fast forward to today.  I was at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned.  The nurse was trying to floss in between a pair of my back teeth and she encountered a problem.   She commented that I had tight teeth.  Considering I have a gap between my two front teeth, for someone to say my teeth are tight seemed like a joke.

Test Results

The nurse called me from the doctor's office today with the results of my cholesterol test.  Everything checked out fine.  No signs of any problems.  She actually commented that one of my cholesterol levels was the best she has ever seen.  I'm happy to hear that.  It's good to know at least one aspect of my life is in order.

Having These Thoughts of You

Any one that truly knows me will tell you I am an avid fan of R&B music, particularly 80s and 90s.  Often times I find myself spending hours on youtube listening to classics by artists such as Keith Sweat, New Edition, Jodeci, SWV, Blackstreet, Troop and many more.  For some reason today, I got the song "Thoughts of You" by Changing Faces stuck in my head.  No matter what I did, I couldn't shake the song.  The song was on repeat all day in my head and I kept thinking about one person.  The lyrics to the song rang true to my heart.  For those of you who don't know or don't remember the song: 

I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you

I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you

I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you

I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you

I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you
And I don't know what to do
I'm having these thoughts of you
I'm having these thoughts of you

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you
Thoughts of you going through my heart again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

I try hard to relax when I try to get right through it
My mind says no but my heart says do it
And I really don't know why, why I feel this way
Heart is pounding in and out, up and down
There I go having thoughts of you

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you
Thoughts of you going through my heart again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

Don't get me wrong I really like what I'm feeling
You soothe me inside your love I can't deny
I'm just not used to love coming this way
The way you walk, you move and talk
There I go having thoughts of you

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you
Thoughts of you going through my heart again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you
Thoughts of you going through my heart again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

You're always on my mind all the time
You're always on my mind, oh yeah
You're always on my mind all the time

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you
Thoughts of you going through my heart again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

Thoughts of you going through my mind again
Makes me feel the way I do for you

Post #300

I was looking at the number of posts I have made to this blog on yesterday.  This marks #300.  I have actually sat down and posted 300 different thoughts about my life and my world in just over a year.  I have shared triumph and defeat.  I've shared the good and the bad.  Post #300 marks another milestone in this journey of my life.  Now the question is:  when will I reach post #400?  Only time and the events of my life will tell. 

Oxymoron

I needed to have one of my prescriptions refilled. It required doctor's authorization so the pharmacy called my general practitioner.  The medication is for my cholesterol.  I have not had a cholesterol test run since the beginning of the year so the doctor wanted to see me.  My appointment was for this morning.  I was instructed to fast last night in preparation for the test.  No food after midnight.  That was a challenge because I am usually up snacking at the time of night.  I made it to the appointment and went thru the motions.  Weight, blood pressure and breathing were fine according to the nurse.  The doctor came in and we talked about the reason for my visit.  He looked at my vitals and his exact words were "You are a very healthy diabetic."  Healthy diabetic?  Now that has got to be one of the best oxymorons I have ever heard.

Battling My Disease

This past weekend was kind of rough in regards to dealing with my condition.  In hindsight, I think things could have gone better if I had been a little more proactive.  My blood sugars ran high almost the entire weekend.  The scary part was that at one point when I thought it was low, a quick meter test showed quite the opposite.  That meant my sugar had been high for so long, I was unable to distinguish hyperglycemia from hypoglycemia.  I kept taking medicine and nothing seemed to work.  It was not until yesterday when I changed my insulin that I started to get relief.  Looking at the previous injection site, the skin around it seem bruised.  I guess I bumped or rubbed the site and caused my insulin to gather there rather than properly entering my bloodstream.  I consider that a lesson learned.  Battling my disease can be difficult.  I have to make smart decisions to make sure I am always the one who wins.

Little Things Mean a Lot

A friend sent me an email a couple of days ago.  The contents of the email really touched my heart.  I opened the email and my heart started racing.  I was so happy and excited by what was sent.  I thanked her repeatedly that night.  The thing about the email is that she did not have to send it.  She chose to do so.  The email was nothing extravagant and I made no monetary gains from it.  It was the fact that she shared a piece of herself with me in that email that made it special.  She reminded me that it's not the size of the gift or how much it costs that is important.  The most important part of a gift is the amount of thought you put into the gift and how much of your heart is into the actual act of giving.

Toilet Paper

My wife sent me a text message a couple of days ago stating we needed toilet paper for the house.  I did not respond to the message.  I simply stopped by the store on the way home.  I stored the toilet paper in the hallway closet as normal.  The next night, my nephew comes to me with a huge roll of toilet paper, the kind used in restaurants and office buildings.  I looked at him puzzled.  He explained he knew we were out of tissue and brought some home from work.  I applaud his attempt to help; however, I refuse to wipe my posterior with that sandpaper like material.  He can use that toilet paper if he wants.  I'll stick to the soft stuff.

Possible Win-Win Situation

I was chatting with a co-worker of mine this past weekend about bills and struggling to make ends meet.  She mentioned to me that she is paying over $700 per month in daycare fees for her 2 small children.  While we were talking, a light bulb went off.  I asked her if she would be willing to consider letting my wife watch her kids for about $500 per month.  This would save her $200 to put towards other things and also provide a source of income for my wife.  I explained my wife used to run a daycare and she is also a certified teacher so the kids would still be learning if she took my offer.  She told me she would talk it over with her husband and get back to me.  Saving a friend money and generating income for my wife - sounds like a win-win to me.

Looking Forward to 2013

I usually don't get excited about future events because things are always subject to change.  This time, however, I am crossing my fingers and my toes that nothing interferes with a couple of events I have lined up for January and February of 2013.  January will provide an opportunity to experience a cultural event with someone I truly enjoy being around.  February brings a chance to take a trip with some peers of mine who share similar ideals.  I am looking forward to enjoying myself both times.  I am hoping the events set the trend for 2013 and the year will bring many new and exciting chances in my life.

The Art of Gift Giving

There is an art to gift giving.  It's not about how much something costs or where it comes from.  You have to know the receiver's likes/dislikes.  You have to get he/she something they want or will use.  You have to have a very personal relationship with the person.  That way, when you come across the correct gift, you will be certain. The gift will call out to you.  The receiver will be excited you put forth so much thought and effort into getting something for them.  With all the birthdays celebrated in the past week, I think it is safe to say, I am pretty ok at the art of gift giving.

The 5th Birthday in Two Weeks

I have been trying to wrap my head around the idea that I have worked with this woman for several years and not known when her birthday is celebrated.  I was speaking to one of the crew members at my part time job about the birthday gifts I got for someone at my full time.  As we chatted she mentioned having to work on her birthday and waiting til New Year's to celebrate.  I realized her birthday occurred this weekend.  Luckily I was able to get her a gift on short notice she could enjoy.  I am still dumbfounded.  Five birthdays within two weeks on each other.

Thanksgiving 2012

This year's Thanksgiving was the tamest I have had in the last 3 years.  I went to work as usual.  I spent about 7 hours in the office and came home.  The wife and kids had prepared dinner the night before.  By the time I got home yesterday, they had already eaten.  I fixed my plate and devoured my food.  The kids went outside to play and I raked a few leaves out of the flower bed.  After that, I spent time on the computer checking email and killing time.  I had to make a alcohol run for the wife.  We had a few drinks and called it a night.  All in all, not a bad day.  No major calamities.  I'll take that. 

Financial Hole Continues to Grow

The financial hole I currently find myself in continues to increase in size.  Some days it is a minor increase - barely noticeable.  Other days, the hole increases on an exponential scale.  Every time I think I have finally gotten a grip on things, something else pops up or happens.  Some of it is my own fault.  There have been a few situations where a good opportunity was presented to me and I invested in it rather than think of the long term consequences.  For example, knowing we are behind on the mortgage payments, I still purchased $300 worth of chicken and seafood from a friend of the family. The meat retails for about $400.  So even though I saved money and now have food to put on the table, I still have to worry about having a house to put the table in.  My sister in law has loaned us more money to help get caught up.  We now owe her $2100 with no idea of when we can start to repay her.  I never thought I would find myself in this type of situation.  I never thought I would find myself in financial hell.  I guess that's what happens when you depend on others to help get  you through life.  I just hope I can start filling this financial crater before it consumes me and my girls.

Four Birthdays in 10 days

Late November has suddenly become a busy birthday time in my life.  I have four different females ranging from 16 to 34 whom I need to shop for.  Each lady is unique in her tastes.  Each one holds a place in my heart or my life.  Each one will receive something I hope they cherish.

Pay Close Attention

Monday at work, I was reminded of how even when you think people are not watching you, they pay close attention to what you do.  I approached the desk of a female colleague to ask about a report.  She looked at me and asked if I had shaved that morning.  I gave her an unsure stare and replied no.  I explained I had shaved the day before.  My thinking was she noticed a cut or something on my face.  She explained that my complexion looked really good.  Really?  My complexion?  You pay that much attention to my skin?  Just goes to show - you never know who is watching you and why.  Pay close attention to your surroundings at all times.

Am I Jealous?

I was talking with one of my peers yesterday at work.  I have been doing assisting her a lot to help get her acclimated to the way the business runs.  She made the comment that she had been approached by one of the upper managers and complimented on her work.  She was told people had their eyes on her.  When my peer shared the news with me, I told her congrats.  I hinted she may be about to move up in the world.  Then for a brief second, I was upset.  It didn't last long - just long enough for me to recognize the emotion.  For the blink of an eye, I was pissed that she was being recognized for her work yet I was the one showing her what to do and how.  The moment passes as quickly as it came.  I reminded myself that I am a black sheep and don't always fit into the cookie cutter design of our organization.  I realized I shouldn't be and couldn't be jealous of my peer.  I wish her all the best and will do anything I can to help her succeed.

Set Up for Failure

There are times in life when we are set up for failure.  Sometimes it is our own doing because we did not properly plan.  Other times, it is the result of someone else's actions.  I was set up for failure this past weekend at my part time job.  I don't think it was intentional.  I think decisions were made in haste and as a result my team members were the ones who had to suffer.  My staffing was cut by 30% because business had been slow all week.  Normally, a slow week leads to a busy weekend.  This theory held true.  We were swamped.  My team did the best they could and considering the circumstances I feel we succeeded.  When it comes to being set up for failure, you can either accept it and get beat down or you can accept it and fight back.

Reading, Writing and Arithmetic

I was lucky enough to go to school and graduate with a high school diploma.  I was also lucky enough to attend college and earn a BS degree.  Even if I had not achieved the second goal, I feel I am smart enough to handle most of what life throws at me.  I learned tonite, everyone does not share that same mindset.  I literally watched a grown woman not be able to add 2 numbers multiple times to reach an answer.  At first I thought she was joking.  When I realized she was serious, I offered my help.  

Air Freshener Vs. Disinfectant

I was talking to my nephew today on the phone about trying to get rid of a burnt popcorn smell which was lingering in the house.  I told him to get the can of air freshener off of my desk and spray a little as well as lighting a newly purchased candle.  He asked which can I was referring to.  Although I was not at the house, I was pretty sure I knew what was on my desk.  I asked him for the colors of the cans.  His response let me know that he saw one can of air freshener and one can of disinfectant.  He asked if they were the same.  I had to stop and think before the wrong words left my mouth.  I told him the purpose of disinfectant was to kill germs and air freshener helped get rid of odors.  He chimed in stating he had been told they are the same thing.  I hated to burst his bubble.  I had to explain the proper use of each item before things got out of hand.

Lack of Knowledge

Lack of knowledge is seldom a good thing.  I found this out the hard way today.  I received a call from my manager of my part time job asking if I had received any tickets on my license.  He had received notification from the company my license was suspended.  I figured it was a mistake relating back to the ticket I received with my accident back in July.  A phone call to the local highway patrol confirmed my theory.  I thought I had taken care of the ticket.  Come to find out I had taken care of it on the local level but not the state level. I had to pay $25 to have my license re-instated.  Lack of knowledge can be costly.

The State Approved Doctor

Today my wife had another doctor visit.  This was not a trip to either of her regular therapists.  This was a trip to the doctor assigned by the state to evaluate her condition as it regards her disability claim.  We left the house early to ensure we had time to locate the office. We arrived about ten minutes before he appointment. The paperwork she received said the evaluation could take up to 2 hours.  Everything in front of the building was one hour parking.  Once inside, I asked the receptionist if there was another parking area.  She quickly stated, "you won't be here an hour.  Don't worry about it."  We sat and waited for the doctor.  Appointment time arrived and no doctor.  Ten minutes later he appeared and introduced himself.  He took my wife to his office and started the evaluation.  Literally she was back there 10 minutes.  We spent more time waiting on the doctor than what she actually spent with him.  I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.  We'll have to wait and see what the prognosis is from the State Approved Doctor.

I Can't Help if I Don't Know the Problem

Today during her session at the doctor my wife dropped a bombshell.  She told the doctor she had been thinking about the child she aborted nearly 21 years ago.  In fact, my wife said she was planning on going out and drinking on the actual day as a kind of celebration/tribute to her lost child.  The doctor reminded my wife that she has 3 healthy kids right now and that drinking to remember the aborted child was not a smart thing to do.  This is the type of stuff that concerns me about my wife.  She told me about her abortion a little less than 2 years ago.  I had no idea when it happened as far as the time of year.  So I was blindsided when she told the doctor about her current mindset.  I can't help if I don't know the problem.  

My Words Cut

I've been told by several people that I have a talent with words.  I'm one of those people that can take a basic thought and turn it into an elegant statement.  One of the sups I work with often asks for my input on how to say things to get his point across clearly.  I have also been told that my blunt honesty can hurt, a lot.  Today while at the doctor with my wife she said something which required my feedback.  Luckily, I had made up my mind before entering the office that I would be careful of what I said.  I took a deep breath, looked at the doctor first and then turned to my wife.  I told her to be careful of the path she was walking.  She was about to make a dangerous step and my words were going to cut her deep.  The doctor quickly interjected and said that I seemed a little frustrated.  At this point, I decided not to verbally assault my wife only because I was not in the mood to deal with her tears.  I just need her to keep in mind that when I get started, my words cut deeper than any blade.

2yr Anniversary

This is around the time 2 years ago that my wife had her first major breakdown and ended up in the psych ward of the local hospital.  With everything going on with us as far as bills and lack of money, I'm not too sure where her head is.  I don't know if she is going to just blow things off and hope I can handle it by myself or if she is going to panic and end up back in the hospital.  Only time will tell.   This is one anniversary, I do not look forward to celebrating on a yearly basis.

Three Sides to Every Story Revisited

Back in April of this year, I brought up the topic of three sides to every story as defined by Usher.  Recently at work, I feel I am running into the situation again.  There is a male supervisor who we will call Mr. A.  Mr. A is attracted to female supervisor Mrs. B.  Mrs. B. is married with 2 kids.  Mrs. B has become a close associate of mine in recent months.  Mr. A. has observed us talking and jumped to conclusions.  He has approached her on a couple of occasions inquiring if there is more us than the work relationship.  I think he has even gone so far as to ask other supervisors for information about Mrs. B and me.  This only helps to feed the fire of stupidity.  So now you have his side, her side and my side of the same situation.  Wonder which of us is telling the truth?    

Let Mouth Write a Check, Your Ass Can't Cash

My grandfather used to tell me all the time not to let my mouth write a check that my ass would not be able to cash.  Basically he was reminding me to be careful what I said because of potential consequences.  There was a recent incident at my job where such an event occurred.  Someone decided to write a big check with their mouth.  Actually, they wrote the check and then tried to change the value of the check.  In the end, the check was completely voided.  Her ass could not cash that check and the consequences of her actions surpassed anything that anyone there expected.

WTF Moment: You Wanna See My Daddy?

Today my wife wanted me to go with her to a doctor's appointment.  It's my day off so I agreed.  I decided to hear my hat because it was colder than normal outside.  I grabbed my sunglasses and headed for the truck.  Once we were seated and about to pull out of the driveway, my turned and looked me.  Her next statement caught me off guard and my response showed my disapproval.  It went something like this.

Her (looking at me pondering):  This is a completely random thought but I would love to see your daddy.
Me:  I don't want to see that motherfucker if it is the day past forever.

I guess she was wondering if I actually looked like my donor (yes I said donor, not dad).  For those of you who are wondering, I look like my mother.  As far as I am concerned, I have no father.

Destructive Thinking

I've avoided doing anything completely stupid ever since my wife stopped working.  I have tried my best to maintain a level head and not let the stress get to me.  Unfortunately, I am human.  I do have a breaking point.  I think I am starting to reach the point a lot faster than I would like.  Thursday, a situation happened with my wife which truly aggravated me.  I went to the store and purchased a snack along with a bottle of wine.  I drank the whole bottle of wine by myself in less than an hour.  Looking back, I realize that was not a smart move.  I also realize I am reaching a point where drinking something and sleeping off the alcohol seems like a great idea.  That's not what I need in my life.  That's destructive thinking.  I need to refocus my energy and find a positive outlet.

Can't Maintain Good Habits

Yesterday I was thinking about the fact I am unable to maintain any basic healthy habits for extended periods of time.  I get on healthy kicks for days/weeks/month at a time and then forget all about it.  One example of this is taking vitamins.  Earlier this year I made it a point to take a vitamin everyday.  I even got to the point where I purchased the vitamin packs with 7 pills in each to help support my overall health due to diabetes.  I haven't taken a vitamin in at least 2 months now.  Another example of starting and stopping healthy habits is exercise.  The month leading into the Halloween party I was all about exercise.  I started working out at least 15 minutes a day for 4 or 5 days a week trying to get toned for the party.  I haven't lifted a weight, did a push up or sit up since the week before the party.  Good news is I am small framed so it does not take much effort for me to shape up to how I like to look.  As I sit here with a bottle of water in my hand, I think about another failed healthy habit.  I always go back and forth with drinking water.  In the last 4 hours, I have consumed 2 bottled waters.  I probably won't drink anymore water for at least a week.  I don't know why I can't maintain healthy habits.

Power of a Smile

I was reminded of the power of a smile on Wednesday.  I was upset about something which occurred at home.  I went to the store to clear my head.  I got out of my vehicle with this look of disgust and was focused on making my purchase and leaving.  As I walked down the aisle of the store, I got behind a young lady.  Realizing my pace was quicker than hers I attempted to sidestep and pass her.  At this time, she turned her cart and almost bumped me.  She stopped short, said sorry and went around me.  As she walked away she smiled.  That was it.  Her smile was so warm and friendly my entire demeanor changed.  I was reminded of why I try to always be nice at work.  Something as simple as a smile can change everything about a person.

Dipping in the company pool

My manager met with the team this week as we always do.  We talked about upcoming company changes and preparations for 2013.  After we all provided our input, the females in our group were asked to leave.  Our manager then addressed some rumors which had come up.  Our manager told us the integrity of the team would not be sacrificed for the stupidity of one person.  When you read between the lines and get to the bottom of the problem, you realize someone got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.  Now we all have to guard our actions to avoid any potential trouble.

Being prepared and on time

I have been reminded a lot over the past few days of the importance of being on time and being prepared for a situation.  Being prepared for a situation means you can adapt your actions to achieve the best results.  Being on time allows you cushion you need to prepare.  I have watched my peers fail miserably recently due to lack of preparation and tardiness.

Current Desktop Wallpaper

I have a quote as my current desktop wallpaper.  It says:  "No matter how useless you feel, you give someone a reason to smile."  Powerful words.

Beyond Lazy

Over the past few days there have been several incidents which remind me of how extremely lazy some people can be.  Of course I am referring to my wife in this case.  Friday morning I got up and prepared for work.  I placed a load of dirty clothes in the washer and started the machine.  About an hour later I called back and spoke with my wife.  I asked her to put the wet clothes in the dryer.  I also told her to complete some paperwork related to her disability claim which was on my desk.  Around noon I went to lunch.  I stopped by the house to grab something on my way back to work.  Guess where the clothes were?  Still in the washer.  The paperwork?  Still on my desk.  My wife.  In the bed asleep in the middle of the day.  So let's move on to yesterday.  I received a call from my wife asking if I got her message.  I had not checked my phone so I was unaware of the text she had sent.  She asked if she could have money to purchase burgers and fries for the family to eat.  I asked if we had food in the house.  Her response was "yeah but I don't feel like cooking."  Really?  Are you serious?  What kind of mother is too lazy to cook for her children?  And to top yesterday off, the leftover food remains on top of the stove uncovered.  So you have wasted food by being too lazy to properly store it.  Every time I think we may be making a little progress into being financially  ok, she pulls one of these numbers and reminds me she doesn't care enough to help save our future.

Doctor's Visit

I had yet another doctor's visit yesterday.  This trip actually went fairly well.  I was a little more prepared and  had actually been following the plan a little better.  We discussed the patterns of when my blood sugars would be high and when they would go low.  We made a couple of adjustments to my insulin regiment to try and compensate for the patterns.  The doctor also cut my cholesterol medicine in half because she felt the pills were working almost too well.  Who would have ever thought I was actually doing something right about my health?  No protein showed up in my other test which means the kidneys and liver are working fine.  All in all a decent visit.  I go back in six weeks.  We'll see if I can maintain or improve on my current status.

Can't Afford the Foolishness

I should have known this past weekend was going to cost a lot more than I anticipated.  I had planned on recovering some of the money I invested from entrance fees paid by some of the guests.  I should have known better.  I also anticipated being able to spend the whole night and enjoying a nice breakfast courtesy of the hotel.  The actions of some of my peers prevented this also.  Their actions did not however, stop the hotel from charging my card as if I stayed the entire night.  I thought about disputing the charge for a brief second and realized it was pointless.  We used the room and we were put out.  We were responsible for paying.  Correction, I was responsible for paying.  I consider it a lesson learned.  I can’t afford the foolishness in the future.  I just added to total for the room, the alcohol I purchased and the food.  Total came to around $500.  If I had enjoyed myself as much as others and contributed to being thrown out I would not be so upset.  Considering I tapped out early in the night to avoid getting sick, I think it was a bad choice on my part.  You live and you learn.  The cost of others foolishness is a price I refuse to pay.  

Three Years Ago

Three years ago I had a once in a lifetime encounter with a friend.  We spent time alone and really got to know each other.  More importantly, I gained her trust.  Since that day three years ago I have prided myself as someone she can come to with any kind of problem.  I have tried my best to be there for her whenever she needs me.  Others have come and gone in her life.  I have tried to remain a constant.  She has returned the favor and bailed me out of trouble a couple of times.  More importantly, she has been a sounding board… someone I can vent to and not be judged.  The relationship I started three years ago is what has gotten me through the good and bad times over the months.  Three years ago, my life started over for the better.   

Repeat Failure

My dreams of academy success have been shattered again.  Apparently when my advisor called to reschedule my class, she did not look closely at my overall records.  Due to failing my last course, I have been dismissed from the university again.  I have the option to write an appeal letter to try and get re-instated.  The question is:  do I really want to do that?  Do I really want to try and get back in school and finish?  My mind obviously was not focused enough to get the work done.  Right now, I don't know what the best option is.  I have reached a point in my life that I never thought I would encounter.  I have reached a point where I continue to fail.  Failure never was an option in the past.  As I sit here today, I have learned to accept repeat failure.

Always on the Mind

I was walking through the store a couple of days ago and passed a jewelry holder.  I immediately had an idea of who would absolutely love the item.  I returned later to purchase the item and a gift bag to put it in.  It's time like that which remind me of how much you can care for someone.  When you reach a point in time where songs on the radio trigger thoughts of a person, you are into that person.  When you are driving and see a car like theirs and it makes your heart beat fast, you are into that person.  When you constantly wonder where a person is and what they are doing because you simply want to spend time with them, you are into that person.  The person is always on the mind and you should let he/she know they are constantly in your thoughts.

Temptation

We are all tempted throughout our lives.  How we react to the temptation helps define us as individuals.  Ever since we started having money problems due to my wife's unemployment, I have been tempted by different offers.  Let's take yesterday for example.  I received 3 offers in the mail even though my mortgage is two months behind and my car note is currently past due.  The first offer was for a credit card with a $1000 limit. I have not used credit cards since I went through debt consolidation years ago.  The second offer was from a local loan company.  The letter said I could get $2000 cash in a matter of minutes.  The third offer was the best of all.  It came from a local car dealership.  I was pre-approved for up to $35000 toward the purchase of a new vehicle.  Not bad for a guy who can't pay his bills on time.  I guess the good news is that I learned long ago how to not fall prey to temptation.  

What Does it Really Cost?

I was initially going to title this blog entry "The Best Things in Life are Free."  I thought about that title and what I wanted to say.  I discovered the two contradicted each other so I made a change.  What does it really cost?  I've been thinking about this all day because I wanted to come up with a cost for friendship and love.  You can't buy friends or love.  I don't care what anyone says.  You can invest money into the idea of someone being your friend.  You can buy things in an attempt to make someone love you.  You cannot buy friendship or love.  In order to be a true friend, you have to let down your defenses.  You have to let someone into your life intimately.  The same concept holds true for love.  In order for someone to love you, you have to give that person a part of your heart and your soul.  Once you make that decision, there is no going back.  That part of you belongs to them forever.  So going back to my initial question.  What does it really cost to be a true friend or to love someone?  It costs you to lose a part of yourself so you can become one with someone else.

Take Responsibility for your Actions

I've decided on the need to expand a little bit about the outcome of Halloween 2012.  As you may have learned in my previous post, we were asked to leave our location because of reports of too much noise coming from our room.  At the time of the second complaint, I was actually asleep.  Knowing the people in the room at the time, I came look to one person in particular for being loud.  I need people to take responsibility for their actions.  If you know you are naturally loud and have been asked to be quiet, your priority should be adjusting your voice level.  Getting upset and talking trash does not resolve the issue.  I could not be upset about what happened.  We deserved to be asked to leave.  I am simply upset the problem could have been avoided if someone acted like an adult and took responsibility for their actions.

Halloween 2012

This year's Halloween gathering was nothing short of hilarious.  I got see some old faces who I had been missing and a newcomer came to our event.  Things started off as usual but the end was like nothing we have ever experienced.  I finished my day at work and left the office.  I stopped to get some gas and some bags of ice.  I headed to the hotel and met up with one of the other party organizers.  We checked in and started to set things up.  My newcomer called and said she was en route.  She arrived and we continued to set things up.  The other organizer showed up.  At this time, we decided to go downstairs to the bar.  My newcomer was hungry so she rode with me to pick up the pizza and wings.  We met another party goer upon our return. She had arrived with rotel and cupcakes.  Once back in the room, the foolishness began.  We started drinking and acting silly.  My newcomer received an emergency phone call and had to leave.  I walked her out and hopped in my vehicle to go on a battery run.  A few more guests had arrived.  Later in the night, the representative from the front desk knocked on the door.  Apparently someone complained about the level of noise coming from our room.  We agreed to tone it down.  We continued to play games and act silly.  Two more young ladies showed up and we continued to have fun.  I decided to remove myself from the drinking part of the party remembering what happened last time.  I decided to go lay down.   I had a great conversation with one of the guys about my potential and what I should be looking to do with my life.  After that I was joined in the bed by one of my female friends.  We ended up dozing off while the others continued to play games and talk.  At about 430a, we received a call from the front desk.  Another noise complaint.  This time things were a little more serious.  Two noise complaints in one night equals getting put out of the hotel.  We started to pack our things.  As we were packing and cleaning up, the lady from the front desk arrived with 2 officers.  We continued to pack up under the watchful eyes of the officers.  We started a conversation with them and actually started laughing and joking with them before leaving.  We loaded our cars and went home.  Now as long as we have been having Halloween parties or any party for that matter at this location, we have never told to leave.  I guess there is a first time for everything.

WTF Moment - Hoochie Mama

I took my kids to a community trick or treat event last night.  There were plenty of youngsters there in various costumes:  superheros, villians, pirates, princesses, aliens, skulls and angry birds.  One family did the entire cast of the Wizard of Oz.  While walking around the event I saw something which blew my mind.  A young lady, mid 20s at best, walked past us wearing some of the shortest shorts I have ever seen.  They were so short she tried to pull them down as she walked to cover her legs but to no avail. Add to that the fact she was wearing a spaghetti strap top and there you have the complete hoochie mama ensemble.  WTF?  Who wears something that trashy to a family event?  Needless to say, she was there without a child.  I was so disgusted by her appearance that when we came across her a second time, I told my kids it was time to go.  I did not want to expose them to that trash any more.  I did not want my daughters thinking that dressing like a hoochie mama in public was appropriate.  She was not the only one dressed poorly.  There were several other ladies wearing low cut shirts - low to the point they had to keep tugging to keep from having a wardrobe malfunction.  Once again, WTF?  Why did you walk out of your house going to a public, family oriented event dressed like a whore?  I guess some people have no self respect.

Another Chance

My student advisor called me yesterday and told me that we needed to reschedule my last class.  She explained that because I failed the class my GPA fell below 3.0 and that I may have to take an additional class to graduate with the required 3.0 average.  The class is not available again until November 20.  That will be another chance to achieve my goal.  That will be another chance to prove to myself what I am made of.  Many people don't get a second chance at life.  I have to make sure I don't blow this one.

Limited Education

Being the person I am, I often take for granted the limited education of others.  I work in a technology field and expect those who work with me to have more than a basic knowledge of computers, internet, email, etc.  I have to remind myself that the minimum requirements to get hired for a job are a super basic knowledge of computers and internet.  The rest, supposedly, can be taught during training.  The same holds true when dealing with the nephew.  I take for granted he is 22 with the mentality of a 17yr old.  I encouraged him to open a checking account as well as a savings account to help manage his finances.  It now seems that he has questions every week about banking.  I take for granted that with his limited education, dealing with him is like dealing with another child rather than an adult.

I saw Death around the corner

We lost one of our dogs on Thursday.  I knew she was sick and hoped to get her to the vet Thursday but we were too late.  All the signs were there but I chose not to act because I felt we could not afford a vet visit.  Granted the dog was old, I thought part of her behavior was just related to her age.  Normally she would go outside every morning with the other dog to use the bathroom but for the last week or so she would not.  She chose to pee in the house in various spots.  She was not eating or drinking water.  The tell-tale sign that should have jumped out at me is that she was throwing up.  She was so sick that when she did throw up, she wouldn't even move from the spot.  She just laid there.  The kids are aware of our loss.  The 3yr old was told by my wife that the dog is gone to be with God.  The other 2 are old enough to understand death and are dealing with it.  I regret losing that dog.  I regret seeing Death around the corner and not being able to stop it.

Scared

This is a text conversation between my wife and myself.

Her:  I'm scared
Me:  Why?
Her:  I feel like I've ruined us and I'm scared I can't fix it.

Now I find it amazing that over the course of the last 5 months when I have tried talking, begging and screaming at her to take our situation seriously, my wife seemed to care less.  The mortgage company sends a letter in the mail stating they are ready to start foreclosure procedures and now all of a sudden she is scared.  She is right to be scared.  I can't get us out of this situation by myself.  Either she is going to step up or we are going to get put out.

Help from a Surprising Source

We may have come across a way to get back on track with our bills.  My sister in law is willing to loan us some money to help get things caught up and to prevent our mortgage company from starting foreclosure procedures.  Hopefully this will be the break we need to try and turn things around.  I have to admit, I was at my wit's end.  I had no idea what to do to start repairing the damage to our financial situation caused by my wife's unemployment.  I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that this help from a surprising source is enough.

Never Have I Ever

Never have I ever been in a financial bind like the one I am currently facing.  I've had situations where bills have gone past due.  I've had situations where an organization calls daily for payment.  I've had situations where past due bills have been turned over to a professional debt collector.  But never have I ever been worried about losing my house because we have never been this far behind on bills.

WTF Moment - We Got Robbed

This past Wednesday my wife sent a strange text message.  She asked if I had the Nintendo Wii.  Now there have been a couple of times I have taken the console out of the house but I always made her aware so she would not worry.  This time, I did not have the console.  The kids did not know what happened to it.  We checked with the nephew and he had not seen it either.  Only one possible solution.  We got robbed.  Someone came into our house and took the Wii.  WTF?!  The funny part about it is that it must have been a child because all they took was the console and the cords.  They did not grab any of the accessories.  They did not take the dvd player that was sitting next to the Wii.  They did not grab anything else in the house but the Wii.  I hope they enjoy it.

Sharing My Experiences

I stopped at WalMart on my way to work the other day to grab some glucose tablets.  I picked up 5 assorted flavors and header for the register.  The cashier looked at the tablets and asked if I took them for energy.  I explained to her that I am diabetic and I take them when my sugar gets below normal.  She looked at me and said, you look good to be diabetic.  You must take good care of yourself.  We continued to chat for a minutes and I provided her with as much info as I could in the timeframe.  I feel that was a great opportunity to share my experiences and point someone in the right direction.

WTF Moment - Thru the Window

I have training all this week at my full time job.  Yesterday afternoon while I was in training, I received a call from my wife stating she had locked herself out of the house.  First of all, it was 230p.  No one was home but her and the dogs.  Why would you pull the door up behind you if you were going out and coming back in?  It's not like we have infants at the house.  So I explained the trainer I needed to head home and would return in about 30 minutes.  While en route to the home she texted me and said she got in the house.  My question was how.  After a brief delay, she informed me that the little boy from across the street climbed thru the window and let her in.  WTF?  Really?  So you have now let these people know that they could enter our house at any given time.  Sorry, I don't trust my neighbors with that type of information.  So my next home improvement project will be to make sure all the windows are secured and can't be opened from the outside.

Can't Win Regardless

The manager at my part time job was out of town last week.  During his absence, I felt we did pretty good.   Our food cost was good.  We exceeded projected sales.  We even managed to save man hours.  But this was not good enough.  His boss had to find something to complain about and we all know how the trickle down effect goes.  It's times like that when I feel I can't win regardless.  Despite all the good things that happened, the company chose to focus on the one bad thing.  Whatever happened to celebrating success?

Stop Being Selfish

This past Sunday I was home cutting my hair during my down time between the two jobs.  My wife decided to come into the bathroom and strike up a conversation. Bad idea.  While we were talking she asked what did I think about her currently.  I told her I would rather not address that question at the time because I did not want to cut my with the razor due to being aggravated.  We kept talking and she said something about what she wanted.  It was at that point in time when I told her my thoughts.  I told her she was being selfish.  I told her she needed to stop thinking about herself and start thinking about her daughters.  I told her I did not enjoy getting phone calls daily from bill collectors and not being able to set up payment arrangements.  She just did her usual.  She dropped her head and didn't respond.  Typical and selfish.  Rather than address the issue, she hopes it will go away or I will fix it.  Problem is, I can't fix her.  She has to want to fix herself.

Sometimes I Hate Being Me

There are times in life when I really wish I could be someone else.  There are times when I wish I was not the person everyone tries to make me out to be.  I am currently looked upon as a leader and a go to person.  I'm dependable.  I'm consistent. Take for example the fact that our store manager went out of town on vacation this week.  In his absence, the assistant manager, the other 2 shift leaders and myself are in charge.  Last night all four of us were at work.  With the manager being out of town, we shifted our usual Friday night job responsibilities around.  He called me and asked how things were going.  Sales were down and labor cost was high.  Before I could tell him I was not the one running the shift like a typical Friday, he told me to fix the problems.  So at that point in time, the burden fell on me.  I started making adjustments to try and turn things around.  I tried to get the assistance of the other management staff but they were too busy with personal stuff to help.  I got things fixed to the best of my ability.  But those are the types of situations that make me hate being me.

It's About How You Say It

I went to pick my kids up from daycare today as I normally do.  There was a bill invoice attached to one of their folders to let me know how much was owed.  When I open the invoice, I was not surprised by the total of $929.  What shocked me was the handwritten message on the invoice which read "A payment must be made today. Thanks."  I grabbed my girls and walked out the front door.  I put them in the truck, turned the radio station to Disney and walked back in the building.  I wrote a check for $279 to cover at least one week of daycare and some field trip fees.  The owner looked at me and stated, "I hope you didn't take that message the wrong way.  I was discussing your bill with --- this morning when she printed the invoices out.  I guess --- took it upon herself to add the handwritten part."  I looked at her and said, "no problem.  I understand this is not a free service and payment must be made."  What I didn't say to her was how pissed I truly was at the situation.  It's not the fact that you needed to remind us to make a payment.  It's the way the message was conveyed that got under my skin. 

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

This should have been my last week of online classes.
This could have been the final step before earning a Masters Degree.
This would have been a time to celebrate if I wasn't so weak.

WTF Moment - No Money, More Problems

I was cutting my hair last night when my wife walked into the bathroom.  She said she needed to tell me something that would probably make me mad.  She asked if I wanted to hear it then or later.  I told her to go ahead and spill it because I was less likely to get truly aggravated while cutting my hair because I would not mess up my looks dealing with her.  She informed me that she overdrafted her account by paying for some school pictures that our daughter took this week.  What the fuck?!  How do you knowingly spend money that you don't have when you have no source of income?  More importantly, why overdraft your account on something that you don't need?  Who does that stupid shit?  She continues to dig us a deeper financial hole and now she is starting to pull dirt in on top of us.  I'm tired of trying to climb out and drag everybody with me.  I think I am at the point where either we are all doomed or I am going to do everything I can to save my girls.  To hell with the wife.  She's not worth the effort of trying to save anymore. 

She Doesn't Want to Work

Yesterday morning I had a conversation with my wife about our current financial state due to her unemployment.  She went to take the kids to daycare and run some "errands."  She sent me a text stating she had applied for a job.  Last night we were talking again and I asked her how many other jobs she had applied to in recent weeks because I had been sending her positions I thought she was qualified for.  Her response was "none."  She couldn't even look at me when she talked.  She told me that she wanted income but did not want to have to deal with deadlines and quotas.  I told her that even if she was self-employed she would have to meet somebody's deadlines by providing a service or product.  So now that she finally came out and said it, I told her she might as well start preparing herself to lose everything we have.  Simply because she doesn't want to work.

Different Look, Same Person

I had to go the my doctor's office today to change an appointment due to some training at work.  Normally, my doctor's visits are scheduled on work days so I show up in a button down shirt and tie.  Today was my off days so I was wearing a graphic tee, some jeans and a pair of walking shoes.  One of the nurses who usually works with me had this confused look on her face.  She stated, "so this is how you look when you are not at work?  I like the casual you a lot better.  I usually feel like I have to fix my posture when you come in looking all professional in your business attire." We laughed and joked for a few minutes about the difference in my appearance.  I always find it amazing how we can sometimes be oblivious to how much attention people give us.  I never would have thought the nurse would have pointed out the difference in my appearance because I am still the same person. 

Living up to Expectations

Next week is National Customer Service Week.  My job, like many others across the country, has a lineup of themed days and activities to make next week a fun time for employees.  With that being said, one of the themes for this year is Throwback Day.  The expectation is to wear clothing from a previous decade.  I am known at my job for wearing silly outfits when given the opportunity.  Everyone has been asking for clues as to what I will be wearing.  I think this year however, I won't live up to the expectations of my subordinates, my peers and my managers.  This year, I won't come to work in some wild outfit that everyone wants to photograph.  This year, I'm going to simply come to work and do my job.  I wonder if coming to work and performing my normal job function will live up to their expectations.  

Having Sex vs Making Love

I've been thinking about a lot of things in my life lately and this topic jumped out at me yesterday.  A while back a female friend and I had a conversation about the difference between having sex and making love.  We concluded the difference in the two was the amount of intimacy involved.  Sex is simply the physical act. It's just two naked people having some type of intercourse.  No feelings, no emotion, just sex.  Making love on the other hand, involves being in a relationship with a person.  Making love means that you are deeply into a person and their desires.  Making love transcends the physical act and actually does not require intercourse.  You can make love to a person simply through touching and kissing.  With all that in mind, I realized that my wife and I stopped making love a long time ago.  Now it's simply sex.  We're talking basically no foreplay, five minutes of humping and call it a day.  To further solidify this justification is how intercourse is approached.  I have finally gotten her to stop saying things like "Let's fuck" or "I wanna fuck."  At least now she will say "I want sex" or ask "can we have sex?"  Please notice that in none of her statements is any mention of love.  Guess that shows the difference between having sex and making love.

Intriguing Quote

I saw this quote on the internet today and it really hit me. 

Live and Let Go

How do you live if you’re ruled by your past?  And how do you let go of a past that made you?

I’ve been thinking about both those questions since I initially ran across the quote.  I’m still searching for the answers.

Procrastination Finally Leads to Failure

I usually pride myself on my procrastination skills.  I am one of those people who wait until the last minute to accomplish certain tasks that require critical thinking because it forces me to focus.  Well, I finally ran into a situation where procrastination is going to cost me everything I have worked for.  I have failed to turn in my assignments for my current online class by the due dates.  As a result, I have received 0's for the assignments and at this point cannot pass the class.  I don't know what the future holds for me now.  What I do know is that procrastination has finally led to a failure. 

Denied

Sometimes in life we want things to happen to people to teach them a lesson.  The problem comes when that lesson affects innocent bystanders.  My wife told me yesterday that she received the denial letter for her disability.  I kept telling her to not depend on getting disability because even if she was approved, it would not be enough for us to get by.  Now, she won't be getting disability and she has not been actively searching for a job so that puts us even further behind.  My biggest concern right now is my children.  I don't know how I will look them in the face and tell them they can't do things or have things because we can't afford it.  I have sacrificed so much to make sure my girls are taken care of.  I guess I was denied my happily ever after that you always read about in fairy tales.

Recipe for Trouble

Employees and customers alike know that weekends are a busy time for fast food restaurants.  The blunt of revenue for an establishment comes on Friday and or Saturday.  With football season starting to get into swing, I knew we were going to be busy yesterday.  What I didn't know was that we were going to be short-handed and busy.  Let me rephrase that.  We weren't shorthanded.  I didn't have the experienced crew members to handle what happened.  Things were running smoothly at first.  We were steady but not real busy.  Then all of a sudden, from out of no where, we had customers galore.  In order to try and keep up with the demand, one of the crew members moved from her position of packaging food to making orders.  Big mistake.  In doing so, she let the food get backed up in the oven.  We had at least 7 orders get burned up completely and had to be remade.  Needless to say, there were some unhappy customers.  The recipe for trouble is very simple.  Take one part increase in business, add a handful of inexperience and a pinch of laziness.  Shake well.  Watch the mess unfold.

How High

I was at work today and walked in on a conversation between two of my female associates.  Female #1 was telling female #2 that she had gotten high for the first time in her life this past week.  As she was talking about her experience female #1 mentioned that they had used some kush in the joint.  At this point in time female #2 stated, "They were wrong for that.  They should have started you off on something a little less potent."  So at this point you should realize female #2 gets high all the time.  Female#1 relived her experience and told us about how the weed made her overanalyze everything.  She also realized, in the words of Katt Williams, smoking weed put some "fuck it" in her system because her responses were completely unfiltered.  Listening to them talk was more than enough to remind me why I don't do drugs.  How high do I like to get?  My feet never leave the ground.

WTF Moment - Scratching the Surface

I was in the driveway today getting into my truck when I glanced at the passenger side of the van.  I noticed a streak on the side.  At first I thought one of the kids had drawn in the dirt.  Then I noticed that the side mirror was folded in.  Closer inspection revealed that something had scraped the van and left scratches on the back of the side view mirror and passenger door.  I asked my wife was she aware of this.  She laughed and informed me she hit something.  She wouldn't tell me what she made contact with.  WTF?  How are you going to hit something and think it's funny?  Oh well.  Long as no one was hurt and no one is seeking property damage, we should be good.  

Doctor Visit

I had another doctor visit this morning.  Things actually went pretty well this time despite some concerns.  I gained four pounds over the course of the last month.  My A1c increased back up to 10 meaning my blood sugars have been averaging in the 240 range.  A quick discussion with the diabetic educator helped us realize the increased number was due to me not testing and taking my medicine properly 3-4 weeks ago when I was dealing with the stress of my wife not working.  I have done a lot better the past 2 weeks.  Because of my renewed motivation to take care of myself, the doctor decided not to change any of my medications or doses.  I just have to do a better job of checking my sugar and taking my medicine.

Too Fast

I was at work the other day and one of my peers asked me a question.  I provided a response.  She asked me to repeat the answer so I said it again.  At this point in time she said, "Has anyone ever told you that you talk too fast?  I can't understand anything you are saying."  I looked at her, laughed and informed her that I had been told my rate of speech was too fast a few times in the past.  I slowed myself down to give her the information she needed.  She reminded my that sometimes we take life at a break neck pace.  My real friends know that I am borderline ADHD.  I can't sit still for very long.  I have to be doing something.  My mind is always racing.  I sometimes think that is part of my problem.  I can never focus on one thing for very long.  But I am always able to get the job done.

WTF Moment - Who Does That Shit?

Decided to share a quick WTF moment this morning.  My oldest daughter joined an organization at school has competitions out of town.  Today was one of those days.  My wife decided she wanted to attend the event.  She asked the nephew if he wanted to go along with her.  He agreed.  He asked if his girlfriend could also go along with them.  My wife agreed.  So when I came home last night, I found my nephew's girlfriend asleep on my living room couch.  I acted as if she was not even there and went about my normal routine.  This morning, she is accompanying my family to the competition.  WTF?  Who does that shit?  No disrespect intended but this bitch ain't family.  She still getting her feet wet.  And if history is any indicator of my nephew and his relationships, she'll be gone before Thanksgiving.

Absence Does Not Make the Heart Grow Fonder

Whoever coined the phrase "absence makes the heart go fonder," was obviously not in love.  The person who came up with that quote was trying to sell greeting cards.  Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.  Absence weakens the heart and the soul.  Absence plays with your emotions.  Absence makes you think of all the things you should have done and should have said when that person was with you.  When you are used to being with someone you love, being without them is almost impossible.  Being away from someone you love makes you think crazy thoughts about what you are willing to do to be with that person.  Many of us would make a deal with Satan himself in order to be with someone we love.  Personally, I would do it in a heartbeat. 

Misunderstanding

Somewhere along this recent journey with my wife since being released from her teaching duties and planning her next move, there was a communication breakdown.  We went to see her therapist yesterday.  My wife was in decent spirits and talkative.  She told the doctor about much of what is going on in her life right now.  She told the doctor that she has broken off communication with her male companion from school because he finally crossed the line and asked for sex. She told the doctor about how she was spending more time with the kids.  She told the doctor she had filed for disability.  This is where my misunderstanding took place.  I thought my wife was simply being lazy and not wanting to look for a job even though I was sending her locations that are hiring daily.  Comes to find out that she is under the impression that she can't work and collect social security.  To make matters worse, her therapist agreed with her and said my wife should look for something "off the books" like watching somebody's child a few hours a week for $20 or so.  We can't survive like that.  I am trying to get my wife to understand that we can't live off my income alone.  I am trying to get her to understand that she is not guaranteed social security disability benefits.  I am trying to get her to understand she can work and collect benefits.  I am trying to correct this misunderstanding but don't know if it's possible.