Thursday, June 27, 2013

I Think My Job is Slowly Killing Me

Often times we hear people use the exaggerated expression "This job is killing me."  Other times, the statement is true.  People who work in high risk fields put their lives on the line to provide for themselves and their family.  My job is not high risk but it is very high stress.  That has become more and more evident recently.  Today was a great example of why this job may put me in an early grave.  I went in to work 2 hours early hoping to get some stuff done.  When I arrived at work, my blood sugar was over 200.  No big deal.  Take some insulin and keep it pushing.  Once people started to arrive and my day got started, I could feel myself getting sick.  When I checked my sugar, it was 40.  I had just purchased a tube of glucose tablets from the store so I quickly swallowed 8 of them.  I started to feel better.  My day continued and so did the stress.  A few hours later when I should have been going to lunch, I was stuck at my desk because my peers were MIA.  I checked my sugar again.  This time it was 50.  Luckily I had another tube of glucose tablets.  So during my normal shift plus 2 hours minus a lunch, I managed to damn near bottom out twice.  No job should be that stressful.  No job should put you to the point you risk your life due to stress.  Days like this make finding something else seem like a great idea.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Open mouth, Insert Foot

As an Aries, I usually pride myself on being blunt and direct.  I don't sugarcoat or give the politically correct version of what I am saying.  I give the unedited and uncensored version.  Every now and then, for the sake of someone who I know can't take me at my realest, I will tune back my nature a bit.  This was not the case this evening.  I had something I needed to tell a friend that I knew was going to cause a problem.  I had been holding on the information waiting for the best time to deliver the message.  Well, I delivered the news and now I am not too sure it was such a good idea.  I usually don't dwell on things like this but something is not sitting right with me right now.  Not too sure why but fee like I just opened my mouth and inserted my whole foot.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Memories Back Then

There is currently a song out featuring T.I., B.o.B and Kendrick Lamar called "Memories Back Then."  Every time I hear the song, I start thinking about my past.  I'm usually the type of person that lives in the moment and plans on the future although it's not promised.  Unfortunately, my current life status makes the future look dismal at times.  I prefer to think back to yesteryear. Back to when I was in grade school when my only concern was getting good grades and getting toys.  Back to high school where, even though I wasn't one of the cool kids with the rich parents and the big house, I still fit in and held my own.  Back to the last few years of my life which were changed forever by a very special person to me.  I know people say you have to let the past go and move on.  I just refuse to let go of the wonderful memories I have from back then.

Monday, June 24, 2013

How I Spent My Anniversary

To piggyback off my last post, I'm going to share how I spent my anniversary.  I had put in a request to be off last Saturday morning and was approved.  Unfortunately a project came up on last Friday which had to be completed by today.  To ensure I would be able to complete the project, my plan was to go in for a short time on Saturday and get most of the hard work done leaving just a few loose ends for today.  WRONG!  I ended up spending my entire day at work on Saturday.  The good news is that I had already spent time with my wife earlier in the week (we went to the movies) so she was not completely heartbroken.  Bad news is that I spent the entire day dealing with lazy, stupid people who were wasting my time.  Not exactly how I planned to spend my anniversary.  I guess once again, I am my own worst enemy.

Nine Years

This past Saturday marked my 9 year wedding anniversary.  I can't believe I am still married to this woman.  Especially after all we have been through.  Despite my cheating and her depression/suicide attempts, we have  managed to stay together.  At times I am thankful for her.  At other times, I think I would be much better off without her.  For now, fate seems to think we need each other.  We'll see if this relationship survives another 9 years or if it just fizzles away to nothing.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Time for a Change

I pride myself on being loyal to companies.  I've had the same car insurance and cell phone provider for over a decade.  I worked my first job at a grocery store in high school and even returned during holidays and summers through college.  I have been with my current part time company for over 12 years and (if i can hang on) will be with my current full time employer 6 years in August.  I'm really starting to wonder if I am going to make it to the 6 year mark.  The dynamic of my job is changing and I am not liking the current vibe. My company continues to be reactive rather than proactive.  Everybody wants to point fingers but no one wants to claim responsibility for the problems we have and offer logical solutions.  It seems like we keep putting bandages on a deep cut rather than stitching the wound and giving it the proper time to heal.  I'm at the point where days like yesterday make me question how much I like my job.  I think it may be time to start seriously looking for other options.  I know it is impossible to be productive at a place I am unhappy.  It may be time to change my scenery so I can see a brighter future.

WTF Moment - You Want a Puppy?

I haven't posted one of these in a while so I felt this would be a great one to talk about.  Wednesday night I was at my computer goofing off, watching videos on youtube.  The nephew's girlfriend was in the next room talking on the phone.  Apparently she suffers from a condition where she has talked on cell phones too long. She was speaking to the person so loudly, I could almost make out the entire conversation.  The part I did pick up on raised my concern because she was inquiring about a puppy - a pit to be exact.  I didn't say anything to her because I was not sure of the details as to when she planned on getting the dog and where it would be kept.  So yesterday at work I received a text message from her asking if she could get a puppy.  She said she would be responsible for taking care of it.  WTF?  Chick are you serious?  You can barely take care of yourself and you want to take care of a dog?  You are 4 months pregnant and barely working.  How are you going to afford food and medical care for this animal?  You dragged your feet trying to sign up for government assistance to help get you through this pregnancy.  And a motherfucking pit?  Bitch please!  There is no way in the hell you bringing that type of dog to my house around my daughters.  I'll end up killing the dog and you.  So no puppy for the girlfriend.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Love and Attraction

What do you do when you are no longer attracted to a person you are supposed to love?  I throw this out because I think I have reached that point with my wife.  We are days away from our 9yr wedding anniversary.  If I had it to do over again, I would have stayed single.  My wife and I were at the house one day last week and I was changing clothes for work  She stared at me like a lion stares at an injured gazelle.  I just shook my head.  Last week she asked me, "Do you get as excited when I undress?"  I told her she didn't want to know my answer to that question.  My wife has gained some weight over the years.  All of it seems to in her stomach.  Even though our youngest is 4, she still gets asked regularly if she pregnant.  I got her a gym membership to try and help her get in shape.  That is now a waste of $10 a month cause she has not seen the inside of the facility in forever.  This is really how bad the situation has gotten for me.  I came home last night from work and went to the bedroom to get some clothes.  My wife was laying on the bed completely naked and asleep.  Most men would have jumped at that opportunity, hoping for sex. I, on the other hand, looked at her, shook my head in disgust and proceeded to gather my clothes.  I'm wondering how much longer the relationship can last when the love and attraction has died on my side.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Support System

One of my co-workers went thru a serious situation with her husband last week.  Things became so intense, she came to me for advice.  Acting as part of her support system, I recommended she leave the house for a couple of days until the situation calmed down.  Her parents, acting as the main part of her support system, allowed her and the kids to stay with them over the weekend.  Due to this, the husband saw the err of his ways and changed his tune.  I used to think I had a great support system.  I say "used to" because while helping her this weekend, I realized my options for support have become somewhat limited.  I can still always go to family.  The other two main components of my old support system are no longer available.  One friend moved away to pursue a career in another city.  I haven't talked to the other friend in a month.  Good news is that I have not had any of those do or die crisis pop up recently.  My old support system is currently on life support. It may be time to start looking into alternative support options, if there are any out there that fit my strict criteria.  

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Father's Day 2013

I've been hearing the words "Happy Father's Day" since I arrived at work this morning.  I've gotten a dozen text messages saying the same.  Right now, however, it's not a happy father's day to me.  First of all, my 3 children are 2 hours away at a family reunion with my wife's relatives.  It's not that I would have spent a lot of time with the girls today because I had to work but it would have been nice to at least see them.  As a matter of fact, they have not talked to me since they left Friday morning.  Add to my misery the fact that I come home to bullshit I have tried to prevent.  The nephew and his live-in girlfriend took it upon themselves to move the two tower fans I have for my living plus the wind tunnel floor model fan I purchased and put all of them in their bedroom.  To make things even more aggravating, they are both not here right now but left all the devices on.  That's ok.  I have a cure for that.  Every single fan in the house with the exception of the ceiling fans will be in my truck when I go to work.  I don't give a fuck if they both pass out from the heat.  I am tired of repeating myself to grown people.  I'll show them better than I can tell them.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Stop Begging

Yesterday morning prior to leaving for work, the nephew asked if he could borrow some money from me to be able to put gas in the car to transport himself and the girlfriend to and from work.  Knowing the importance of them both needing to make as much money as possible as the time before their baby is born winds down, I agreed to give him what I could.  I returned home from job one and got dressed for job 2.  I laid $20 for gas on the bed next to his sleeping carcass.  After I had been at work for about an hour, my cell phone rang.  It was a call coming from my house phone.  Knowing that my wife and kids were out of town and due to the fact we were busy at job 2, I did not answer.  A little while later the nephew showed up at my job asking if he could get some food for his girlfriend.  I politely told him no.  How both of you working, not paying any real bills and still begging for free food multiple times in a week?  I need him to learn to stop begging and work on being able to provide for him and his family.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Post Surgery Pics

Here are the pics of my surgery.  The pics show my leg prior to being cut open, my leg with the tumor in, my leg with the tumor removed and the actual tumor outside of my leg. 






Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Post Surgery Scars

I went to the doctor for my follow up appointment today.  The good news is that the tumor was benign.  She removed the wrap from my leg today so I am able to walk a little bit more like normal than before.  The surgery did leave a couple of scars.  One is located on the back of my knee where she removed the tumor.  The other scar is about 3 inches below the knee on my left calf where she went in and released the tension on the nerve caused by the tumor.  I've decided to include the scar pics in this post.  I will post pictures of the actual tumor when I get them from the surgeon.



Karma

I'm a firm believer in karma to the point I feel that if you put out good vibes you will receive good vibes in return.  I start this post off with that statement based on a recent conversation with my current fast food manager.  Prior to my current location, I worked at another restaurant for the same company but had to commute about 50 miles to work.  I was working overnight at my full time job at that time, so I was only able to work Friday, Saturday and Sunday closing the restaurant.  I didn't know it while I was employed at the old restaurant but the manager did not trust me.  She felt I was underhanded and stealing because it was not feasible to her that I would drive that much to work less than 20 hours a week.  The gas alone almost took half my paycheck.  What she failed to understand was that I keep commuting because I had worked part time for the company for years.  I wanted to make sure I kept my ties to the company close in case my situation changed and needed to move somewhere else and needed a job.  She shared her concerns with my current manager when I transferred from her store to my current job.  Fast forward to today.  My manager loves me.  He was able to get someone with years of experience on his staff that understands the ins and outs of our business.  He realizes my dedication to the job and understands I will not put my livelihood in jeopardy because I have a family to take care of.  My old manager?  He told me her store is chaotic.  She is unable to find any qualified managers and is constantly having to overwork herself because she is understaffed.  I may not have been the best in her eyes but I was a lot better than what she has dealt with in the years since I transferred.  You gotta love karma.

Letting Go

Letting go can be one of the hardest lessons to learn in life.  It is a truly tough pill to swallow.  Just have to keep telling myself, "if you love something, let it go.  If it's meant to be, that something will find it's way back to you."

Monday, June 10, 2013

No Idle Threats

The nephew came home last Thursday and I thought I caught the scent of something on him, possibly weed but was not for certain.  I let it go at the time and went about my business.  The next morning when my alarm woke me, I discovered I had to wait on him to vacate the bathroom so I could get ready for work.  I still had a strange feeling in my soul.  When he came out of the bathroom, I called to him and provided him with the following threat.  "I love you to death because you are my wife's family.  I don't know who it is that you are around or what it is that you may be doing, but my advice to you is to stop.  I have warned you before that if you bring any drama to my house around my girls I will put you out.  So this is your last reminder.  If you bring any bullshit to my house - anything or anyone that can harm my daughters - I will kill you without a second thought.  Am I clear?"  Caught like a deer in headlights, he could only nod his head in agreement.  I don't make idle threats when it comes to my children.  I will go to jail to protect them.  I'm sure he understands that.  If not, he will learn firsthand. 

One Week Past Surgery

Today is the 7 day mark since I had the tumor removed from my leg.  I see the doctor tomorrow for my follow up.  Hopefully she will have some information in regards to what exactly that thing was inside of my leg.  The last week has not come without its challenges.  The hardest thing I have encountered is the inability to bend my left knee.  I'm able to walk with no major problem but you really don't think about how much you do something as simple as bend your knee until you can't do it.  Getting into my truck has become a process involving sitting down with my legs still outside the vehicle and then swinging myself to the correct position.  The time it takes to walk up and down stairs has doubled because I can only step up with the right leg and then follow with the left leg on the same step rather than each foot take the next ascending step.  I never realized how much stuff we actually keep on the bottom shelf of my fast food job until this weekend when it was impossible for me to reach down and get it.  I'm happy the surgery was successful and look forward to continued recovery progress. 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

When Things Don't Match

Everyday we run across things that don't seem to match or go together.  Whether it is an odd clothing ensemble or a vehicle and its owner, sometimes things don't appear as if they should be paired together.  Today I went to the store and observed what I deemed a mismatched vehicle/owner situation.  I drive a crossover utility vehicle.  I am about 5'7" so it seems to be a good fit for me.  I saw a lady at the store today who could not have been more than 5'3".  She was getting into the driver's seat of a Toyota Sequoia.  Just as the name implies, this is a huge vehicle.  She may as well have been climbing into the rig of a 18-wheeler.  For the life of me, I could not figure out why a young lady that small would need that much vehicle.  Guess it's just a case of when things don't match, at least in my eyes.

Recovery From Surgery

Recovery from my surgery has not gone quite as smooth as I hoped.  Today is the first day I have been able to go a complete 24 hours and not throw up.  It happened on the way home from surgery on Monday.  It happened in the wee hours of the morning on Tuesday.  It happened on Wednesday morning (although I think this time was due to extremely high blood sugar).  As far as the pain in my leg goes, it has not been too bad.  I am actually able to move around pretty good without crutches if I take my time.  Tomorrow will be the true test of how much I have recovered since I will be returning to work.  Hopefully, the pain will not arise and I can make it through the day.  Should I encounter more pain than I feel I can tolerate, I have some prescription pain killers to help.  We'll see what happens. 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Surgery was a success

Yesterday's surgery was completed with no problems.  The doctor was able to go in and remove the tumor from the nerve in my leg.  Now I just have to give it time to heal.  I'm thankful she was able to complete the removal.  As I sit here right now trying to enter this blog, the pain has increased significantly since yesterday.  Guess that means the leg is really starting to come back to life and is trying to heal. 

Monday, June 3, 2013

When You're Gone

They buried my deceased co-worker this past Saturday.  The funeral home allowed friends and family to view the body on Friday.  I went to see him and to pay my last respects.  Another co-worker went with me to "provide support" as she put it, in case I couldn't bear the sight of him in the casket.  I told her I would be very brief.  I walked in, looked at the body and commented about him looking a little bigger than I last remember.  I also talked about his yellow shirt and tie.  Dressed to the nines as I always remember him.  I said I know he has moved on to a better place and I took my leave.  It's still hard to believe he's gone.  I heard somewhere in the past a man's worth can be measured by the length of the line at his funeral procession. Based on the signatures in his guestbook when I saw the body, my friend was worth gold to a lot of people. 

Countdown to Surgery

Today is the day.  I have to be at the hospital in 3 hours to get ready for my surgery.  I think I have covered all my bases this time.  My youngest will go to daycare so that she is under trusted adult supervision during the process.  The two older kids will remain at home.  I spent nearly $100 last night at the grocery store so they have plenty to eat and snack on while I am away.  I sent a mass text message to my friends reminding them that I will not have my phone until after the procedure is complete.  Now it's just a matter of getting dressed and getting to the hospital on time to get this over with.  A couple of my close friends have expressed their concern about the procedure over the last couple of days for various reasons.  I have assured all of them the process will go smooth and I will be back on my feet in no time.  I just hope I am not being over confident this time around.