Halloween 2013

Well Halloween 2013 is here and this by far is the worst Halloween I have experienced in recent years.  I didn't even bother to decorate my house this year.  The kids carved pumpkins which are located at the front door but that it it.  As I have stated in a previous post, there is no Halloween party.  Plus the weather sucks.  It's been raining since 8am and is supposed to get worse as the night progresses.  Maybe 13 is a bad luck number after all.

Visit with the Psychologist - Hour 6

I went to see my psychologist yesterday to see what ideas she had about my "deep seeded anger" issues.  When I arrived she told me she was running behind because she had an emergency.  While I was waiting to speak to her, another young lady walked in.  Her posture let me know she was the emergency the doctor was speaking of.  I would have rather re-scheduled my appointment than keep this young lady waiting because she obviously needed to talk.  None the less, the doctor saw me.  She restated that my test did not show any pathological illness.  She asked how I was doing with the anger issues we discussed last week.  I told her that I realized I did have a little bit of anger about the condition of my release from my full time job but I got past that by cutting ties with everyone there who were simply associates/co workers of mine.  Friends know how to contact me.  The other source of my anger, my wife, was still a work in progress.  I told the doctor I felt I created the problem with my wife and was unable to undo it.  I couldn't kill the monster I created no matter what I tried.  The doctor suggested that I write a letter to my wife about my "true" feelings.  While I worked on the letter, she spoke briefly with the young lady.  About 10 minutes later, she asked me to read what I had so far.  The letter was a pretty aggressive one documenting my feeling that my wife was not truly concerned about the kids and I.  I also wrote that when she says things like "I love you" I feel that it is out of courtesy and not genuine.  The doctor told me I could finish the letter but not to give it to my wife because it addressed various issues.  She suggested I bring up one topic at a time.  We'll see how that goes.  I have another appointment next week.  I don't know if I am going because we've identified my problem and I know how to fix it. 

The Luckiest Unlucky Day of my Life - The Fallout

I should have known things seemed too good to be true about my little incident from a few weeks ago.  The result of my little "bump" was the loss of a couple of the loyalty discounts I had with my auto insurance.  Therefore when the policy renews next month, it is going up about $300.  Damn.  Guess it could have been worse.  The company could have decided to drop me or up the policy more. 

WTF - I am not the Father

I was at work on Friday when the nephew called me.  He informed me that his 8 month pregnant girlfriend was at his place of employment causing a scene.  The manager of the location was threatening to call the police.  The nephew wanted me to call his girlfriend to try and calm her down.  WTF?!  Nigga, please.  That is not my girlfriend and she is not my child.  She grown.  If she decide she want to do something stupid, let her deal with the consequences.  I'm sure the jail cell will be big enough for her and her big belly.

Not Too Sure How I Feel About That

Ever since I was "released" from my full time job 3 weeks ago, I have spent time on the internet trying to find something.  I've posted my information on the basic job search sites (monster, careerbuilder, etc).  I get emails daily about potential jobs but nothing has come through yet.  As part of my release, my company offered assistance through a third party in my quest to find another job.  First of all, it took nearly 3 weeks for the third party to communicate the receipt of my resume.  Bear in mind I emailed the resume the day I was fired.  Add to this the fact that the resume reviewer basically told me the only thing right on my resume was the address.  Everything else was up for change.  Granted I haven't had to look for a job in 6 years so the resume is a little dated.  But if it is truly as terrible as this resume expert would have me believe, then I don't understand why any company would consider me (remember I get emails daily about possible positions).  I'm just not too sure how I feel about getting assistance from this third party. 

Old Habits Die Hard

My friends and I had been having Halloween parties for almost 10 years.  There have been a lot of fun times had over the years.  I love telling people who have not had the chance to hang out with us about all the foolishness that occurs.  With that in mind, I am usually one of the main organizers of the event.  I always do the invitation.  I take pride in coming up with something funny and witty to make the invitation unique for the year and memorable.  This year, however, there is no need for a Halloween invitation.  There will be no Halloween party for us in 2013.  The main reason for the cancellation is because most of our current group are scattered about with various schedules making it impossible to get everyone in the same place at the same time.  Add to that the fact that I was fired 3 weeks ago and really can't afford to spend any money on a party.  Even with these 2 strikes against me, I felt an emptiness about not making up an invitation for this year.  I made one up, just for kicks.  No one will ever see it other than myself but it felt good to let my creativity out.  I guess some old habits die hard and never die at all. 

Getting Lazy

I was really hoping to have landed another job by now.  Sitting around the house has started to make me lazy.  I find myself laying down more now than when I was out for my surgery and was not supposed to move around much.  It's not that I am sleeping more, I'm just laying on my ass doing nothing.  I try to stay busy around the house cleaning and organizing but that just becomes frustrating.  If I don't find something else pretty soon, I may not be physically able to work two jobs due to my increased laziness.  Damn. 

WTF Moment - Yet Another Ticket

Since the nephew has not taken it upon himself to have his mail forwarded to wherever the hell he is currently residing, his documents continue to come to my house.  Now when you add to this the fact that he does not come around to visit or to pick up his mail on a regular basis you may see when I have deemed it necessary to open anything with his name on it.  Today he received yet another letter from the circuit court.  This letter was to inform him of a ticket he received for improper equipment.  WTF?  After receiving tickets for not renewing your license and no proof of insurance in the last month, how the hell do you manage to get a ticket for something completely different?  I just don't understand it.  I see a nice jail cell in his near future.  Hope is soon to be newest baby mama doesn't mind talking to him in the privacy of a common area in a local jail. 

Visit with the Psychologist - Hour 5

Before I went to seem my psychologist today I went by a friend's apartment to assist with a home repair project.  While I was there I joked about what the upcoming hour with a medical professional would consist of.  Today she actually provided feedback on the personality inventory test I completed during the previous 2 sessions.  Some of my answers caught her attention so we focused on those today.  One of my answers stated I had seen a vision.   I told her about my near death experience when I flipped my car years ago.  Another answer was about being in trouble with the law.  I explained I was referencing my recent run in with the authorities but I have never been arrested.  We talked about my health concerns and I explained my 2 recent surgeries had me concerned because both cases happened with no true rhyme or reason.  It was at this point where we turned that corner and things headed south.  She said the test also revealed that although I am an agreeable person I have some defiant beliefs which are fueled by deep seeded anger.  One of the sources of my anger is my wife.  I didn't go into detail with the doctor because that would have taken several hours.  I explained the woman my wife is now is not the woman I feel in love with.  I've said the same thing to my wife and nothing has changed.  The doctor asked about our sex life.  I responded if the wife asks, she gets some but I am not one to initiate sex.  We talked about my kids and the fact that I would kill a motherfucker over them.  This is when it was time for the session to end.  I set another appointment with her for next week so we can start working on this deep seeded anger issue that I have.  We'll see how that goes.

WTF Moment - Come on In

This past weekend provided the setting for a WTF moment with my sister in law as the star.  I have to give a little background to set this up.  When all the drama happened with the nephew back in July, this particular in-law ended up with a copy of my house key (I really need to change the damn locks again).  Now, with that being said, let's begin.  Saturday I had to travel out of town with my wife and kids.  While we were away from home, sister in law calls.  The wife explains we are not at the house.  The wife provides the sister in law with the code to the alarm system and she is able to gain access.  On Sunday, the wife and kids decided to attend church.  I was at the house (truck parked in plain view in the driveway).  Sister in law pulls in next to my truck and calls to see if I am at home.  WTF?! Why are you calling to see if I am at home?  Don't you see my truck in the yard.  Plus, didn't you just waltz into my house on Saturday?  I could not make any sense of her phone call. 

Reminders All Around

Memories and experience are what make us who we are.  Good ones, bad ones and those we really can't categorize all total together to make us unique individuals.  I have said on more than one occasion, "if i knew then what I know now."  That quote is usually followed by "I would not change a thing."  I had a chance to talk with a friend yesterday.  We used to talk daily for several hours.  Work and life changes have forced us to limit our conversations.  When we talked, we referred back to a funny event from our past.  It was nice to be able to walk down memory lane.  The thing that gets me is that I have so many memories of her, I am constantly reminded of her.  Not that I want to get her out of my mind, I'm just reminded of how important she is to me.  Here are some examples:

1.)  I have to pass by her old apartment complex to visit a mutual friend.  I remember all the time I spent there.
2.)  She was fond of roses.  Every time the roses in my front yard bloom, I think about her.  I sometimes send her a pic.
3.)  Halloween is coming up.  She was always the biggest help when it came to planning and executing our parties.
4.)  I am currently working with a young lady who likes the same perfume as my friend.  Every time she walks by I close my eyes and imagine my friend standing there, smiling.
5.)  Full moon.  It's sometimes called the lovers' moon.  Every time I see it, I think of times we spent just staring at the moon and talking.
6.) Her old possessions.  When my friend moved, she was unable to take everything with her.  Last night I wrapped up in an old blanket of hers.  Made me miss her holding me.
7.)  White tiger.  She bought a picture of a white tiger for my because she was aware of my love for big cats.  It has a prominent spot in my room so I can always look at it.      

Time for an Upgrade - Social Media

I realized the other day that I may have to bite the bullet and rejoin the realm of social media.  I am somewhat hesitant to do it due to all the "changes" going on with privacy and things of that nature.  I am also apprehensive because of my past experiences.  The reason I am thinking of getting back into social media is because of my job search.  I noticed on a lot of company sites you can "follow" a company on twitter, "like" a company on facebook or use some other social media application to learn more.  Considering my need to quickly find a job to support me and my family, I am willing to do just about anything to help get my foot in the right company door.

Wife Swap

There is a show on television now called "Wife Swap."  I have never watched an entire episode but I have caught glimpses of it from time to time.  My wife and kids tried to explain the basic idea of the show.  Two families agree to let the women of the house swap lives for a short period of time.  The families are usually complete polar opposites which adds to the fun and chaos.  Imagine a neat freak swapping places with a pack rat.  At the end of the show the families are reunited and they learn to appreciate each other and how other people live.  With that in mind, I wish I could swap my wife for one of my close female friends.  This is where you should put the kids to bed because the conversation is about to get very adult.  I have been chatting with the friend for months about her continuing problems in her marriage.  A topic of conversation comes up frequently is sex with her husband.  Apparently his sex drive is higher than hers and he wants it more and more these days.  He also has grown a recent desire to have her perform oral sex.  She emphatically said no.  While laughing at her situation, I thought about the wife swap.  Her husband and my wife would be ideal for each other.  My wife could lay around all day fucking and sucking and be content.  I have never been a big fan of blowjobs.  She likes to give them and every now and then I allow it.  I know it could never really happen but the idea of those 2 freaks getting together is novel at best.

Visit with the Psychologist - Hour 4

I met with the psychologist again today.  I finished going through the last 100 questions on the personality quiz.  I noticed there were several references to suicide and harming myself in the last part of the exam.  After I finished, we sat and talked for awhile.  We discussed how I was doing and how I was feeling.  We also discussed what I believed to be the reason for my termination.  Session ended with her saying she would look over the test and complete her evaluation.  I hope she is able to quickly process the info.  I don't know if she realizes it but my company only sponsored a certain number of free sessions.  When you start talking about having to pay this lady to tell me what I already know about myself, the talking is going to stop.

WTF Moment - Printing Services

You would think that after dealing with the nephew for a couple of years, I would not be surprised by his actions and his words.  He supplied me with yet another WTF moment today.  I was driving home from an errand when my phone rang.  I looked at the caller ID and immediately changed my attitude.  The phone conversation went like this.

Me:  Hello?
Him:  Unk?  You at home?
Me: Nope
Him:  So you not at home?
Me:  I'm in my truck driving.  What's up?
Him:  I was tryna see if you could print something out for me
Me:  Kinda hard to print when I don't have ink.  I suggest going to the library.  You can print there for 20 cents per page.  How soon do you need it?

It was at this point when the WTF moment occurred.

Him:  How much does your ink cost?
Me:  Ink costs about $30 per cartridge and the printer needs 2 or 3.

What the fuck?  Why would you ask me how much ink for my printer costs?  Have you forgotten that you have not given me one red cent since you moved out in July?  Have you forgotten that you used my card twice since July to get gas and have not repaid me for those instances?  If you don't get yo stupid ass off my phone!

Today's Doctor Visit

Today was a "routine" visit to my diabetic doctor to see how things were going.  While I was in the lobby signing in, I gave my insulin pump to the receptionist so she could hand it to the nurse and begin the download on my glucose levels.  Another patient asked me, "Was that an insulin pump?  Do you like it?"  I responded yes and yes telling her that I had much better control with the pump than when I was taking the injections 3-4 times a day.  Her biggest concern about wearing a pump was it being visible through her clothes.  Since I did not know her I restrained myself from saying "Bitch kill yo self!"  I can't imagine an adult being more concerned with how they look than their health.  Talk about bullshit.  Anyway, I got called to the back.  My weight was the same as last visit which was a surprise considering my eating dropped off a lot since I was terminated.  The nurse asked if she could draw some blood.  I said sure but be warned you may have a problem finding a vein.  The vein showed up nice and ready to be stuck.  Second warning - it's going to run from you.  And of course when the needle went in my arm the vein rolled and she completely missed it.  Another nurse had to come and re-stick me to draw the blood.  A1C was 8.5.  Up a little from the last time but still not nearly as bad as those double digits I used to always get.  Cholesterol looked great.  Not bad for someone not taking cholesterol medication.  All in all the visit went well.  One slight change in my early morning dosage of medication and a 6 week follow up appointment before my health benefits expire.  Works for me. 

I'm Not Crazy...I Think

Friday was hour three with the psychologist.  I spent the majority of the hour by myself taking a personality quiz.  It was over 500 statements where the option was either true or false as it related to me.  Upon first glance at the quiz, I thought, "I'll fly right thru this."  At the end of the hour, I had about 50 statements left.  I think I was unable to complete the quiz in one sitting due to the fact I had to pencil in bubbles on a score sheet.  Imagine a single 8.5x11 piece of paper with 500 numbered lines on it.  Not exactly ideal test material.  Also the statements quickly made me realize the purpose of the test.  "People are out to get me."  "People steal my ideas."  "I hear voices."  "I am sick most of the time." "I get along with my mother."  "I like sex."  Based on the answers I provided I feel the test is going to reveal what most people know about me.  I'm smart, confident, friendly and have daddy issues.  I don't think I answered the questions in a way to reveal that I am crazy but I won't know that until I go back to her on Wednesday.

Stop Looking At Me

I have often wondered why some women feel that guys look at them like objects and not as people.  I guess because I have never been that way, it is hard for me to relate.  At least it was until last week.  I was getting dressed for work and my wife walked into the room.  She just sat down and starting staring at me.  No conversation, just this locked in gaze.  Have you ever watched one of those nature shows when a lion or a tiger is stalking its prey?  That's how I felt.  I felt like if I did anything wrong, she would pounce on me.  Now don't get me wrong.  I have no worries about her taking advantage of me.  My bigger concern is that she sees me as an object.  She sees me as her sexual partner and not as her husband.  Now if I ask her, "you are my rock.  You are my husband.  Father of my children.  My soul mate."  Whatever.  If there are times when all she sees me as is a dick, then she can stop looking at me.

Digging a Deeper Hole

I was already in a financial hole before my termination a week and a half ago.  Since then I have managed to dig myself further into debt.  I weighed my options before taking the chance and decided it was better to be further in debt than to be without some things.  I was at the bank last week when my youngest daughter called me.  She said we were out of milk and orange juice.  I hung up with her and prepared to withdraw some money to grab the items.  Wrong!  My account was already overdrawn.  It broke my heart to be unable to get the milk at that time.  Luckily I was able to borrow the money from a friend.  But that's just it.  I'm continuing to borrow so when I do get paid, my check is already spent.  I don't know how long I can keep digging this hole cause the dirt is about neck high at this point.

It's Been One Week

I've been thinking about what happened to me a week ago.  I've been playing "one week" by Bare Naked Ladies in my head all day.  A lot of things have crossed my mind in the past 7 days.  One of the most important thoughts was friends vs associates.  I worked in a call center of over 500 employees.  Granted everybody did not personally know me but considering I had been there half a decade, you would think a significant number of people would.  That being said, I can count on one hand the number of people who reached out to me since I was fired.  Times like this let you know who you can rely on when you are struggling.  Times like this also let you know, as I misquote Eminem, who I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire.  Am I mad?  Not really.  I'm just being me.  During the last 7 days, I have seen a psychologist twice.  The second meeting was a waste of time because I was running late and we did not really break any new ground.  Have my 3rd meeting with her tomorrow.  Not too sure what her goal is because as I told her in the initial meeting, I am confident in my skills. I've put in several applications online over the past few days and gotten a couple of callbacks so at least I know I am marketable.  It's been one week since I was fired.  Honestly, I think it may have been the best thing to happen to me in a long time.  

Usually This Time of Year...

Usually this time of year I am counting down the days to the annual Halloween party.  Usually this time of year I am still thinking of ways to decorate my yard and possibly my job.  Usually this time of year I am thinking about the birthdays coming up in November.  Usually this time of year I am not worried about money because of the way my jobs pay out.  Usually this time of year I am preparing for a field trip or two with my daughters.  Usually this time of year I would be trying to schedule time off from both jobs.  So much for what usually happens this time of year.  There is nothing usual about this year.

Third Party Information

I hate getting information 3rd party especially when it concerns someone I have a genuine interest/concern in.  I realize in today's social media society most people put their lives on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.  I'm not one of those people.  I don't have a Facebook, Twitter or Instagram currently and don't have the ability to follow or like anyone on those formats.  I prefer to get my information from the source itself.  Do you remember the game you learned in elementary school called "Secrets" or "The Whisper Game" or "Pass the Message?"  The game started with some silly random phrase like "The boy with the brown shirt has blue shoes and black pants."  The object of the game was to pass the message to the end of the line exactly as it was started.  Usually by the end of the line "the boy with the brown shirt has blue shoes and black pants" turned into "the girl with the black skirt and no shoes does handstands."  That's my problem with 3rd party information.  People put their own twist or spin on the facts and make things more/less than what they should be.  One of my best friends recently provided me with some interesting information about another friend we have in common.  My first thought was why are you telling me this?  My second thought was why has our mutual friend not shared this knowledge with me?  My final and most important thought was if the mutual friend does not choose to share the information then it is not my place to inquire about it because I found it out 3rd party.  

Spur of the Moment

I am usually not a big fan of "spur of the moment" events.  I like to plan things out down to the most minor detail and have contingency plans in place, just in case.  Every now and then, however, a spur of the moment opportunity presents itself and you just have to go for it.  This was the case last night.  I was about to leave work when I received a phone call from a friend.  This is how the conversation went:

Her:  What you doing?
Me:  Finishing up at work, bout to take it to the house. What's up?
Her:  You wanna ride to New Orleans?
Me:  When?
Her:  Right now.
Me:  Uhm... why are we going to New Orleans now and when are we coming back?
Her: Just because and we coming right back
Me:  Works for me. Let's go.

Now that's some spur of the moment shit for you.  We met at her apartment a little later and four of us took the 2.5 hour drive to New Orleans.  We walked Bourbon Street but there was not a lot going on.  Most of the establishments were closing.  We ended up going to grab a bite to eat and heading back home.  Total time for adventure 8.5 hours.  Typical workday hours.  You gotta love it. We weren't even missed.  Gives me the idea to plan another quick trip to N.O. if I get my money right and a certain individual is available for the drive.

Visit With the Psychologist

Anyone that truly knows me will tell you that I have always had a fear of visiting a psychologist/psychiatrist.  Well, it's not really fear.  It's more of a deep concern for being able to not get committed.  I have this belief that if I ever truly sit down and reveal just the smallest amount of what truly goes on in my twisted mind, they will lock my ass up and melt down the key.  My friends will tell you that I am not wrapped too tight.  I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer but my wit and sarcasm make me dangerous.  Following my release on Thursday, I made an appointment with a psychologist because I felt I needed someone who didn't know me that I could vent to.  As I told the doctor, my family and friends know me as a calm and confident person.  I wasn't too sure what might come out when I released what I was holding in about my termination.  Funny thing is that the doctor said she could see the confidence in me just in our brief conversation.  We talked about everything from my termination to my work ethic to my non-existent relationship with my donor, I mean father.  Not too bad for an hour long conversation.  I have a follow up on Wednesday when we will complete my "assessment" and determine what's best for me going forward.    

Genuine Concern

Much like my recent surgeries, my release from work on Thursday has shown me who my true friends are and who are the imposters.  I get released from work 2 hours into my shift.  Only one of my "peers" reached out to me to check on my that day.  What's even crazier about it is that the person that reached out to me took my response and sent it to someone else stating I was being an asshole about the situation.  My take on the matter is, if you don't GENUINELY care about me and my well being, then don't come to me with the fake, cordial, "because it's the right thing to do," sentiments of concern.  I'd rather you not even talk to me than come to me with some bullshit so you can throw it in my face later.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

I have been on an emotional roller coaster since my release on Thursday.  I have felt everything from sadness, to disbelief, to anger and frustration to joy.  I am hoping I am finally coming to an end of this ride so I can begin my focus on moving forward.

Reality Check

The reality of not having my full time job continues to set in.  I actually slept a little bit extra the last couple of days because I didn't have to be at work before the sun broke the horizon.  Yesterday, I started to clean the house and my kids joined in to assist.  I found myself on the internet today searching for jobs.  So much for my release from work being a bad dream. It is the truth and it is the reality I must now live with.  

Blindsided

As a middle manager in the fast food and tech support industries, I try my best to avoid blindside situations.  I keep my bosses as well as my subordinates in the loop as much as possible to avoid confusion.  I wish someone would have done the same for me.  I walked into work today and began my day as normal.  Two hours into my shift, I was let go.  Some people may argue that the signs were there and I chose to ignore them.  Others say I just got bitch slapped.  Regardless of how you look at it, I was blindsided with the information today and nothing is going to change that.

The Luckiest Unlucky Day of my Life

Today was one of those days you dream about but never expect to happen in real life.  I wish I could say it was an awesome day and everything went my way but that is not the case.  Today I was in a hit and run.  The truly fucked up part is that I was the one who did the hit and run...but I got caught.  I was driving down the road and attempted to switch lanes. There was a vehicle in my blind spot.  We collided.  This is where things got crazy.  Rather than pull over, exchange information and go about our merry way, I decided to lead the other driver on a high speed chase about 10 minutes up the road.  I have to give him credit for keeping up with me.  At the end of it all, I stopped, called in a claim to my insurance company and sent him on his merry way.  Unfortunately, our little collision resulted in damage to the passenger side of my vehicle and the front driver side of his.  I can't wait to see what the estimate is to get his 2007 model vehicle repaired.  Today was a lucky day because no one was hurt in the accident and I did not go to jail for leaving the scene of an accident.  Guess every now and then things do kinda go my way.

WTF - Arrest Warrant

I have never been the type of person to wish bad luck on anybody... to an extent.  I do feel people should get what they deserve in life.  That being said, I think the nephew has once again gotten what he deserved.  He received a letter in the mail today stating there has been a warrant issued for his arrest due to a failure to appear in court.  WTF?!  How in the blue hell do you fail to appear in court for some traffic tickets?  I made sure I gave him all the letters in regards to the tickets even though he no longer lives with me.  I told him he needed to pay the fines or appear in court on the date the letter stated.  Oh well.  He's been in jail before.  Guess he wants to go back.