New Living Arrangements

My ex-wife emailed me last month and informed me she wanted our oldest daughter out of the house by month's end.  I decided not to put up a fight and simply complied.  I told my daughter she would be moving in with me.  So for the past week, I have been living in an extended stay hotel with my girlfriend and my daughter.  Needless to say, this can't and won't last long.  As much as I hated to do it, I agreed to move into a 2-bedroom apartment.  Good news is that it will provide more space,  Bad news is that none of us own any furniture so we will be starting from scratch.  This is going to be an expensive adventure. 

Ten Months and One Year

Last month marked ten months of officially being divorced.  It also marked one year since I was asked to move out of the house I once shared with my wife and kids.  It's hard to believe so much time has passed.  So much has happened. 

Stay Out My Business

There's a saying in the streets - "Snitches get stitches."  That's really how I feel right now.  Over the past 2 weeks, someone has seen fit to put my business on blast at my fast food job.  First of all, someone decided to tell our above store manager that my girlfriend and I are actually dating.  Yea, I know that sounds crazy.  You have to remember:  1) I don't put my personal business out in the open and 2) my above store manager doesn't/didn't know about my divorce.  My store manager came to me and said her boss had been made aware of my relationship.  My manager told me to keep things professional and hopefully nothing further would come from the situation.  Ok.  That's problem number one.  Problem number two.  Someone decided to again go to my above store manager (amazing how these motherfuckers can't talk to me or at least my store manager) and bring up the fact that my daughter and I worked at the same store.  What fucking difference does it make?  It's not like we work together often.  Based on our schedules, my daughter and I may have worked together 3-4 times total.  However, in order to cover his ass, my above store manager said something to my manager.  Now there's a chance my daughter may be getting transferred.  I really want to put my foot in this snitch's ass. 

2020 Goal

I have a goal in mind for 2020.  I've shared my goal with a couple of people and have gotten mixed feedback.  I want to take my mom somewhere on a vacation next year.  With all my hard work, I'm hoping to have more money to spend on things I want besides bills.  That being said, I want to do something nice for mom to let her know how much I appreciate all she has ever done for me.  Now that I think about it, I am going to take her on vacation.  Even if it means, bills don't get paid.  As mom would say, "it ain't gonna put me no closer to the soup line." 

Fix It Or Get Another

My truck is starting to show it's age and I'm torn about what to do.  It's a 2011 model so it's not super old but she's no spring chicken either.  A variety of things have happened to make me question whether I should keep the truck or get another.  Back in August, I was taking my daughter to work and the truck actually overheated.  I had to pull over on the side of the road in 5 o'clock traffic and wait for the engine to cool down.  I can't run the air conditioner for fear of the vehicle overheating.  Something is wrong with the driver's side window and I can't let it down.  I need a set of tires.  I need to get the brakes done because they are starting to squeak.  I need to have the shocks and struts replaced.  I've also been told the rear control arms need work.  All in all, that seems like a lot of money to invest in an 8 year old car.  I've learned in the past that when you start putting more into the car than what it's worth, it's time to move on.  Barring any major problems, I should be able to pay it off at tax time next year.  At that point in time, I would only have to worry about maintenance and insurance.  On the flip side, I could look into getting another vehicle but that would stick me with another car payment for five or more years.  I'm still undecided which option to take.  I'm still not sure if I should fix it or get another.

If I was an Asshole

I have officially been divorced for 9 months.  Life is going good.  I'm working my ass off trying to get myself to a better place.  Things between my ex wife and I are good.  She gets her child support money each month thanks to the nice people at the Department of Human Services.  Additionally, if she needs anything extra, she'll text or call me.  This is where the asshole part comes in.  Yes, I know in the divorce papers, it says I have to help with expenses related to the kids.  I'm cool with that.  But if I was an asshole about it, I wouldn't give her money every time she asks, especially when the reason is not directly related to my children. 

Fedex almost bought me a truck

A couple of weeks ago I was almost in a serious car accident.  I had made a stop at a gas station at the corner of an intersection.  I pulled out of a gas station onto the road.  This particular road (highway actually) has 5 lanes, two going north, two going south and a turn lane.  I needed to go south so I had to cross the 2 north lanes and the turn lane.  As I was crossing the turn lane I was almost hit by a FedEx truck going north in the southbound lane.  The only thing I can think of is the driver must have pulled out from the parking lot of an abandoned store on the corner was trying to avoid going through the light.  Luckily I saw the vehicle in time and we both slammed our brakes and swerved to avoid collision.  No collision.  He kept driving and so did I.  Thank God I was in the band and have that good peripheral vision at times.  Otherwise, FedEx would be taking care of me for the rest of my life. 

Dayum she look sexy but....

I was at a gas station the other day and this gorgeous young lady walked in.  Looked like she could be a model or in the entertainment business.  First glance, she appeared to be flawless.  Then she opened her mouth and asked the cashier for a black.  Hold up.  Pump da brakes.  Immediate turn off.  One thing I don't like is a female who smokes.  So yea, she looked sexy as hell but the ashtray mouth was a killer for me.

I Lost an Argument with a Box Cutter

I learned why following safety rules can be so important in life.  I was helping out at another retail pharmacy location in August.  I was trying to remove a fixture which was attached to a metal shelf with plastic screws.  Normally simply tugging on the fixture will pull the screw out.  Unfortunately, I encountered one persistent screw which would not budge.  Being the smart person that I am, I went to my truck and got my box cutter.  While holding the fixture with my left hand, I tried to cut the plastic screw.  I cut the screw along with the tip of my left thumb.  Took off most of the extended part of the fingernail and about a sixteenth of the actual meat of my thumb.  I spent 4 hours in the ER that night and had surgery a few days later to repair my thumb.  The amount I cut was not enough to be reattached so the plastic surgeon did a procedure where he cut a V into my thumb, pulled the skin to cover the open wound and stitched it back together.  I've been wearing gauze pads and bandages since then as the wound heals.  So when people see my covered finger and ask what happened my reply is, I lost an argument with a box cutter. 

Has it really been 2 months?

I can't believe it has been 2 months since my last post.  I told myself I was going to do better and post more.  A lot has happened in the last 2 months and I'm sure I'm not going to remember everything.  Guess I'll post what comes to mind and make it do what it do.

Jealous or Envious?

I've been thinking a lot recently about whether I'm jealous or envious of my co-workers and the lives they have.  Talking to people at my jobs leads to discussions about family game nights, vacations, going to the movies or other fun times.  Anyone who really knows me, knows all I do is work.  Hell, with 3 jobs, it's all I have time for.  I looked up jealousy and envy online to see which one better suited my thoughts and this is what I found.

The main difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is the emotion of coveting what someone else has, while jealousy is the emotion related to fear that something you have will be taken away by someone else.

Well that makes it pretty easy.  I can't be jealous because I don't have anything that anyone wants.  Guess I'm envious of my co-workers and their lives from time to time.  

  

First Off Site Task

Last week, I got the chance for my first off site project.  We were upgrading some computers for a local customer.  I went out on day one with a teammate to drop the equipment at the locations and determine which computers would be replaced.  Day two, I was on my own for the most part.  I had to go to a location by myself and handle switching the computers out.  I was nervous initially because I didn't want to screw anything up.  After a little while, I found my groove and got down to business.  All in all, I think everything went well.  They surveyed the customer after the upgrade and they were satisfied. 

Proper Cell Phone Use

I know we are in a society now where we feel we have to always be connected.  You can't go anywhere without your phone.  Home, work and play, phone must follow.  That being said, I feel there are some situations that warrant not talking on your phone.  I was in the bathroom at work the other day and heard someone in the other stall.  A minute later I realized he was actually talking on the phone while he was taking a shit.  Really?  Your conversation couldn't wait a few minutes?  To me, that is totally disgusting.  I wonder if the person on the other end knew what he was doing during the conversation.

Fashion Bloopers

Working in environments where I get to see a lot of people on a daily basis provides ample opportunity to observe what I consider fashion bloopers.  Now I could be wrong but some people are not built for certain clothes.  I know people will experiment with their wardrobe as they go through changes but damn.  Here are a few things I have seen recently that made me shake my head.

1.  How da hell are you a female wearing a titty shirt but you have not titties?
2.  How are you a "buff" guy in a tank top but you look like you need a sports bra on?
3.  How da hell do you sag skinny jeans?
4.  Why are you a plus size trying to wear petite clothes barely breathing in the tight shit?

Privileged Generation

Being in my 40s, I'm at a great place in my life.  I'm old enough to be grown but young enough to not be a senior citizen.  I can have a conversation with a 20yr and then talk to a 65yr just as easily.  Talking to the younger generation is always interesting.  The youth of today feel so entitled and privileged.  They think they should be given the world without working for it.  I was talking to a 20yr coworker the other day and she had a bad interaction with a customer.  She came to me and basically said she didn't have to put up with customers' shit for the little bit of money the company was paying her.  Keep in mind she is making over $10 per hour.  Fusses about not having money to get her hair and nails done.  Must be nice.  I know people that would put up with a lot more for a lot less. 

Unprotected Sex

I was having a conversation with one of my younger co-workers a couple of weeks ago (yea, I'm hella behind on blogging) and she started to tell me about this guy she was talking to.  During the conversation, I realized she had known the guy less than a month before having sex with him.  The even more disturbing fact is that she had unprotected sex with him.  Now I don't know if she takes birth control but she made the comment that he said his "pull out game is immaculate."  Nigga please.  Even if this is the case, his pull out game ain't gonna stop a STD.  Man, these kids these days is something else!

The Dynamic Duo

Last Friday marked the 7 month anniversary of my divorce.  The good thing about my divorce is that my wife and I agreed to everything with no bickering or fighting.  We are still the same type of parents we were when we were married.  Friday night, our oldest daughter decided to lie to me about her whereabouts.  Her mother presumed she was with me.  Fast forward to Saturday 5am.  My ex wife called me and we put two and two together.  Later on that day, our oldest daughter got to meet the dynamic duo.  Nothing was planned but you would have thought my ex and I had scripted a 45 interrogation of our daughter.  Every time I stopped, she picked up and ran with the ball.  Our oldest didn't know what to do or say.  Bottom line, she won't lie to us again.

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

People enter your life and they leave.  Their purpose in your life can usually be attributed to a reason, a season or a lifetime.  We sometimes put people into the wrong category with the line of thinking and have to make adjustments based on their actions.  I have/had a friend who I thought feel into the lifetime category.  Career moves separated us physically but we keep in touch via calls, emails and texts.  It's been a few months since I have heard from this friend.  I've tried reaching out but have yet to get a response.  I guess my lifetime friend was actually there to just get me through a season or I was there to get her through one. 

What's My Worth part 2

It's annual review time at my new job.  Considering I've only been there a few months, I didn't think I would get a review.  My manager called me into the conference room at my schedule time.  I thought we were going to talk about what I could work on to improve my performance.  I was surprised to learn that the company was impressed by my contributions to the team.  They decided to go against the norm and offer me a raise of $1000 per calendar year.  I was shocked.  I didn't think I had made that much of an impact but I guess that really goes to show what I'm really worth. 

Happy Unanniversary

Last month would have marked my 15-year wedding anniversary.  Instead it marked the 6 month anniversary of my divorce.  Kinda ironic that the divorce was finalized so that it would coincide with our wedding date.  I was talking to the ex-wife that day about some random stuff with the kids and said "Happy Unanniversary" to her.  Her reply was a simple, "ok."  A former coworker asked how was my anniversary this year.  My reply "uneventful." 

Father's Day 2019

Yea I know Father's Day was 3 weeks ago but if you know me then you know I love procrastination.  Anyway, Father's Day 2019 was uneventful.  I sent out text messages and a few messages on various social media platforms to guys I knew had kids.  I got a few replies back.  A few ladies that know me wished me a Happy Father's Day.  I received my gift a week later but it was still awesome.  My girls got me a 3-picture frame with photos of each of them around the same age.  Probably one of the best gifts I could receive.  It's on my desk at work right now. 

I Wear My Life on My Neck

Right around the time I was asked to move out of the house, my middle daughter gave me a heart shaped charm.  She had started making bracelets and necklaces so she decided to give me one.  Since then, I have requested 2 more from her.  Each of these hearts represents one of my children.  I found an old heart-shaped locket I got from my mother in my storage.  I added it to the collection.  I used a piece of black string and made a simple necklace with all four of those hearts.  My girlfriend purchased a pewter necklace for me about a year and half ago with a pendant that reads "You're All I Need."  I added my wedding ring to this necklace. So I have reminders of 6 important people in my life on me most of the time.  I wear my life on my neck. 

I'm Done with McDonalds

About a month and a half ago, I had a very unsettling encounter at the McDonalds near my retail pharmacy job.  Since then, I've only been to McDonalds once (this was a different location and only because my oldest daughter wanted some fries.)  I had been to this McDonalds hundreds of times in the past due to its closeness to my job.  It's literally within walking distance - maybe 100 yards.  I grew accustomed to their less than excellent service but the ever changing staff let me know that this was not somewhere people came to develop lifetime careers.  On this particular visit, while I was waiting for my food, I observed an employee go outside and smoke.  He re-entered the building and did not wash his hands.  He didn't touch any part of my order but I felt it was important to alert management due to the possibility of cross contamination (don't forget - I work in fast food too.)  I asked to speak to the manager.  I told him he needed to make sure his team was following proper hand washing procedures because the offense could lead to a failed internal audit or worse, a store closure if the health department happened to come by.  The manager asked who the culprit was.  I pointed to the young man I observed go outside.  And this nigga went off.  He called me everything but a child of God.  I tried to explain I wasn't trying to get him in trouble - I was simply offering advice.  He was not trying to hear it.  I got my food and left.  I have not returned since that day.  For the manager on duty to stand there and listen to an employee verbally assault me without addressing the situation was enough to let me know that my business was not appreciated.  I'm done with McDonalds. 

TMI

I'm a very easy person to talk to.  Whether you are a life long friend or someone I just met, you talk I listen.  Recently however, I've felt like people are sharing a little bit too much with me.  Last night at my retail pharmacy job was a prime example.  I had a young man come in and ask if we had detox pills.  I told him we had body cleanse pills but not specifically detox pills.  He said he had a job interview in a couple of weeks and need to make sure he was clean for the drug test.  WTF??? TMI!!
Who tells a random stranger that they are concerned about failing a drug test for a job?  Later last night, a lady came in and we were talking about spending money.  I told her about the $200 I had given my wife this weekend so the kids could enjoy themselves at the family reunion.  The lady told me that her ex-husband was being an asshole and didn't want to give their son (who happens to be disabled) any money.  The husband made the comment that he wished he could sit on the couch and do nothing all day like the son.  Really?? Thanks for sharing but simply saying your ex-husband didn't want to give your son money would have been plenty.  And don't get me started on the convos I've had with people 10+ years younger than me.  I've talked about drug use, intimate wardrobe problems and sexual hookups like most people talk about the weather.  Smdh.

More Opportunities at Work

I've only been at the new job 3 months but I feel like I've learned a lot.  A couple of days ago my manager pulled me to the side to talk to me.  This is how the conversation went.

Him:  How's your home situation?
Me:  It's good
Him:  Do you think you would be able to travel?
Me:  (deer in headlights for a second). yea.  My kids stay with my ex-wife
Him:  So you could be gone like maybe Monday thru Friday
Me: yes
Him:  How much notice would you need?  A couple of weeks?
Me:  Yea. That would give me time to make arrangements at my other side hustles
Him:  Ok.  Cause we only have so many bodies in the office so I'm seeing who's available

I asked one of the other guys in the office about it.  He said he had not been approached about traveling.  I told him it was probably because he has a wife and daughter that he goes home to every day as opposed to me and my lonely ass.  I'm kinda excited about the potential to travel for my new job.  In the past, I was always worried about my wife and kids but the divorce has somewhat changed that.  This whole divorce thing may be what I needed to move on to the next chapter of my life. 

Be Careful What You Say to Me

I believe in reading between the lines when talking to certain people.  What a person says and what he/she actually means can be two completely different things.  I was texting an old co-worker of mine yesterday.  We have a pretty good friendship so I feel I can joke with her to a certain extent.  This is how the conversation went. 

Me:  wyd
Her:  Laying down
Me:  whatcha wearing? lol
Her:  ok Bob (her husband)
Me:  Oh hell no!  I got more game than him
Her:  (Thumbs up)
Me:  Now you can't lay there and tell me that as long as we have been friends, you have NEVER considered doing something with me
Her:  Omg.  Go to bed

So for those taking notes at home, pay close attention to her response.  She did not say that she had never thought about doing something with me.  She said go to bed.  Translation - she has thought about doing something with me.  She just does not want to admit it.  Be careful what you say to me.  You might get more than you bargained for. 

Telling More and More of my Business

As the days and months pass by, I realize I am starting to tell more of my business.  Most people that knew me prior to my divorce are unaware.  I don't have a social media presence so I haven't blabbed/bragged about it all across the net.  If you know me, you know I keep my personal business personal.  If anyone asks how is the family, my response is a typical "they're good."  I was at the grocery store a couple of nights ago and ran into someone I used to work with.  We exchanged the usual "haven't seen or heard from you and how are things going."  She then asked how was the wife.  I guess my sarcastic stare let her know something was up.  I told her my ex-wife was doing fine.  We then got into a nice conversation about what happened and all that jazz.  When I got home, I realized she was now one of the few people outside of my family who knows about my divorce.  As time marches on, I guess it will continue to get easier to tell more and more of my business and let people past my secure walls. 

I Like that Look on You

I am not a fashion whore.  I don't buy clothes just to look good.  I don't purchase celebrity endorsed items.  Hell, I couldn't even tell you the name brands of designer clothes.  My clothes now fall into 2 categories - stuff I can wear to work and stuff I will only wear in the comfort of my own home.  My wardrobe consists of items which are several years old.  I haven't grown and the shit still fits so I'm good.  I went to my retail pharmacy job the other day wearing my Nike shoes (gift from my former mother-in-law years ago), a pair of black Dickies (work pants) and a striped button down shirt (I think it came from McRaes ages ago).  I was being me so I didn't have the shirt tucked in.  I was speaking to one of the pharmacy techs and she said "I like that look on you."  I said thank you and thought to myself, "really?  you like this old shit?"  Guess that goes to show, clothes don't make the man - the man makes the clothes!

Is My Health Really Getting Better

Since taking on the new job back in February and getting new health insurance, I've been trying to do better in regards to my health.  By no means am I anywhere near where my doctors want me but I'm trying.  I've basically eliminated carbonated drinks from my diet (except on the occasional late night drive to mom's when I need something to keep me awake or when I have absolutely no other options).  I've gone back to being more conscious about the carbs in foods and taking my insulin accordingly.  That's where things get shaky for 2 reasons.  First, as I recently posted, being a diabetic is expensive.  Insulin and pump supplies are not cheap - even with insurance.  Sometimes you have to choose between medicine and food to eat.  Secondly, I've been encountering a lot more low sugar episodes.  I guess my body is continuing to adjust to me taking my insulin more regularly.  Unfortunately, this has led to many recent night of me scrambling for glucose tablets or juice.  So, is my health really better?  Guess only time and my doctors will tell.

What's My Worth

I was thinking about my 3 jobs yesterday and came to a realization.  The company I've spent the most time with is the one that pays me the least.  This is probably due to the industry the job falls into but it's still a fact.  I work in fast food (20 yrs), retail pharmacy (4 yrs) and technical support (3 months).  Amazing how your worth can be determined by where you work. 

Doing Right is Expensive

I recently read an article (I may misquote the figures here) that said there are about 30 million diabetics in the US.  About 7 million of those, ration out the crucial insulin medication needed to survive due to its high cost.  The cost of insulin does not include syringes to inject the medication, a glucose meter to test blood sugar levels to ensure proper dosage and other things associated with the disease.  Plus, depending on how serious the condition, a diabetic has to survive on a low/no carb and no sugar diet.  Personally, I thought getting a new job with better insurance would help more with my diabetes.  Don't get me wrong - things are improving with my health slowly but it comes at a high cost.  I'm on an insulin pump which means I need insulin plus the supplies for the pump to inject the medicine.  Doing right is expensive and I don't know how long I will be able to maintain. 

To Help or Not to Help

I am one of those people who would normally give my last to help someone close to me.  Working 3 jobs is starting to put me in a better overall financial situation.  I have set personal goals to pay off a few outstanding debts to keep moving in a positive direction.  I have a friend, however, who is in dire financial situation.  Having made what I consider unwise choices has landed this person in deep financial trouble.  I could reach out to my personal loan company and probably get $1000 to help this friend.  My concerns are:  1) This would put me further in debt and 2) I am unsure of when and if the friend can pay me back.  I'm currently between the good ole rock and a hard place.  Do I help someone who desperately needs it or do I just mind my own business?

Commitment

One of my favorite artists, Monica, has a song out now called "Commitment."  In the song there is a line that goes "I can show you all my thoughts and where my demons play."  I've been thinking about this and realized that I have never really committed to any one person.  There is no one person who knows all my thoughts and where my demons play.  I have several people I go to and vent but no one person knows EVERYTHING.  Maybe that's why I got divorced - because I was never truly committed.  

Five months and counting

May 26, 2019 marked the five month mark for my divorce.  I can't say it has been a breeze but I'm sure things could have been worse.  My ex-wife and I are on fairly good terms but there are a few things we disagree on.  Based on what others have told me, my ex-wife has posted on social media that she is living her best life now that I'm gone.  I'm happy that she is happy.  I'm working on living my best life also.  Life goes on.

Our Divorce was Easy

I was talking with my ex-wife a few days ago.  She started telling me about some of her friends who were in some stage of divorce.  One lady stated her husband absolutely refused to consider divorce even though their relationship is completely shot.  Another lady is in the middle of a divorce but can't agree to terms with her husband.  Etc, etc.  Those ladies, along with members of my ex-wife's family asked, how did she make it seem so easy.  My ex-wife wasn't sure what they meant because divorce is never easy.  After spending 20+ years together, my wife and I are still trying to separate ourselves from each other financially speaking. Also, we still have children together so we can't completely walk away from each other.  I guess our divorce was easy because we agreed on everything.  I didn't put up any resistance to what she wanted.  I just signed the paperwork and kept it pushing.  Since we agreed on everything, there was no need to go to court.  I guess on the outside looking in our divorce was easy.

Kids had fun with me

I should have posted this a month ago.  We had a special training week at my new job last month.  During the course of the week, there were a couple of family friendly events.  The first event was dinner at a local restaurant.  I invited my ex-wife and kids.  The ex chose not to attend but the kids were gung ho.  They enjoyed dinner because it was crawfish, shrimp and other seafood items.  They were even able to order additional items from the menu.  The second event was a local baseball game.  The kids enjoyed sitting in a VIP section complete with food.  They were able to purchase souvenirs.  After the events of the week, my ex wife told me that the kids had fun with me.  That made the whole week worth it. 

If you don't grind, don't expect my sympathy

I was working last Saturday morning and received a phone call.  It was an employee from another store.  She wanted to know if I could work for her the next night.  I apologized and informed her that I was already scheduled at my job.  The young lady went on to say "I haven't had an off day in 2 weeks."  Haven't had an off day in 2 weeks?  Bitch, please!  I haven't had an off day in months.  But I'm focused on my grind.  Damn a day off. 

Pain getting worse

Not taking care of my health properly is starting to take a toll, especially with all the work I am doing these days.  I feel it most in my feet.  Rather, I don't feel in my feet.  They are not completely numb but there are times when I incur various pains like pins.  I know this is not a good sign and I am trying to do better but it seems like the pain keeps getting worse.  I started seeing a podiatrist last year as well as my regular doctor.  I hope I'm able to get things better before it gets worse and leads to complications. 

It's a Small, Small World

Yesterday proved yet again that it is indeed a small, small world.  I decided to attend an awards program for my youngest daughter at her school.  When I arrived, I walked in and tried to find a spot to observe.  I walked past a young lady and thought "it can't be."  Me being me, I went and stared her in the face.  She stared back for a second then said "HEY! How have you been?"  This was someone I have not seen face to face in over 20 years.  We hadn't seen each other since high school.  Turns out our kids attend the same school.  It's a small, small world. 

Child Support Problems

Sometimes the government intervenes when it's not necessary.  A couple of weeks ago, my paycheck was garnished.  I was distraught when I noticed $240 of my hard-earned money gone without warning.  I contacted payroll and HR to find out the source of the garnishment.  This led me to the department of human services.  According to them, I was behind $1200 on child support and they were going to take $240 from every paycheck going forward until I caught up.  Wait!  Do what!! I pay my child support.  I called the agency to discuss what happened.  I was told that since I was paying my wife's representative payee and not the agency directly, there was no record of the payments.  I told the rep on the phone I had receipts from the payee.  The young lady on the phone said my ex-wife would have to come to the office with the receipts and fill out paperwork stating I had made the payments.  And then it was up to the case worker, if the payments were acceptable.  This also poses a problem for my wife because now she has to wait for money to be loaded to a child support card rather than get it from her payee.  So as I look at my statement for this week's check, I see another garnishment even though my wife went and filled the paperwork out.  These child support problems are going to be a major headache.

Speakerphone in public

Dear Cell Phone User,

I'm sorry that you got that new Iphone without a standard headphone jack and you can't afford airpods.  I'm also sorry that you destroyed your wired or wireless headphones for your Android phone.  I am not, however, sorry when I mean mug yo stupid ass for walking in public talking to people on speakerphone.  I do not want to hear your whole conversation.  I do not want to hear any of it actually.  Tell you what.  You can borrow my bluetooth headphones.  In fact, keep dem bitches.  A gift from me to you.  Just get yo ass off speakerphone in public.

Sincerely

The nigga you just grossed out talking to yo baby mama about making another baby.

Slip of the tongue

It's been 4.5 months since my divorce became official.  I'm not the kind of person who broadcasts my personal business.  People that knew my wife and I before the divorce still ask how is she doing and how are the kids.  I simply reply "they're good" or "they're ok."  If they ask if I'm divorced (considering I have not worn my ring in 4.5 months, you would think that someone would notice) I'll tell them.  I was talking to one of my co-workers at my retail job and she said something about my wife.  She caught me slipping because I said "you mean ex-wife."  Damn.  Slip of the tongue.  Her jaw dropped and said stop playing.  I said I was dead serious.  She shook her head and walked away.  I don't know if she has shared the info with anyone else.  If she does, cool.  If she does not, cool. 

Leave already. He Ain't Gonna Change

I have a friend in a strained relationship.  Strained to the point, she doesn't live with her husband anymore.  The two have not officially divorced but considering they have not lived under the same roof in over a year, they might as well go ahead and make it official.  For whatever reason, they refuse to do so.  Also, she refuses to stop giving him chances to upset her.  If he wasn't doing right, when you were together, he damn sure ain't gonna do right when you're not.  My biggest problem with the situation is their kids.  He'll make plans to do something with the kids and then pull out at the last minute without a reasonable excuse.  I could understand a life/death situation or going to work trying to make more money to support the family.  No.  This nigga bailed on his kids to ride with another nigga out of town.  Really?  You ditched yo kids to be a dude's side bitch and got absolutely nothing out of the deal?  Stupidity at its finest.  I've told her to leave his stupid ass several times but she hasn't.  Guess she's gonna keep dealing with his non-changing ass.

Bitch, He is a manager

We currently live in a society where people in leadership roles are getting younger.  Long gone are the days where a manager had to be an older white male.  That being said, also gone are the days when a "manager" only managed people.  Today managers are in the trenches with the grunts for the most part.  I have 3 managers currently.  All 3 work as hard as I do for the company.  No one has a desk job where they can sit and look cute.  I say all this because I had a situation recently with a customer.  She called during the day and spoke with one of my peers on the phone.  He told her he was the manager.  When she arrived later that day to resolve her issue, I introduced myself as the manager on duty.  She seemed a little confused.  She stated she wondered why the young man she spoke with earlier answered the phone and said he was the manager.  I tried to explain to her he is part of the management team so at the time she called, he was the manager.  She went on to say she not used to a manager answering the phone and things of that nature.  I had to bite my tongue before I said, Bitch, he is a manager.

Laughter all around us

I once heard a comedian say laughter is all around us.  You just have to sit back and observe. Such was the case this past Saturday.  While working at my retail job, a customer purchased 2 items which made me laugh. An older gentleman came to the register with lambskin condoms and some icy hot. It took all my self control to keep a straight face.

Superstar Devil

Satan was on his A game today.  He tried to push me repeatedly today but I somehow made it through.  My day started off like any other workday.  I was chatting with my coworkers when a call came in from a client I helped yesterday.  Same issue.  That meant that the problem was more involved than I initially thought.  I consulted with a more experienced tech.  Nearly 2 hours later we discovered the root cause.  As I went back to my desk to try and contact the client, I noticed that I had a missed text message.  My daughter had texted me stating she needed to get to school.  I told my manager I needed to take an early lunch.  I went to pick her up and drop her off.  I returned to work only to get a text from my other daughter stating she had locked herself out of the house.  Now this was a major problem because my ex-wife was out of town and obviously I don't have a key.  I had to leave work a second time.  I took my daughter to my house and left her there.  Things seemed to calm down until 3ish when I received a text from the ex stating I needed to get our middle daughter from tutoring.  This meant I had to go get my oldest, fight 5 oclock traffic to get the middle one and then rush to try and make it to the performance of my youngest child.  Fun, right?  The devil was truly a superstar today but I played right along with him. 

One Reason for my Divorce

Living single gives me time to look at my life and analyze the good and the bad.  Last Friday offered a little incite as to why I ended up getting divorced.  Last Friday I received a text from a former co-worker.  She asked if I was busy and if I could talk.  I figured it was a serious matter because she knew I was at work.  I called and talked to her.  She needed me to calm her down about a situation and provide her advice.  After the call, a light bulb went off.  One of the reasons for my divorce suddenly stared me in the face.  One of the reasons for my divorce was the fact that I tried to be a "husband" to so many others besides my wife.  As I think back over the years, I was always doing things for my female friends that their significant other should have been doing.  Being a sounding board, providing advice, going out for meals, running errands.  These were all tasks I did on the regular.  Some friends reciprocated and others simply used me.  Regardless it happened.  And I think that because I had done all those things for my now ex-wife for so many years, I grew tired of doing it for her so I opted to to do it for someone else.  Toward the end of our marriage, she tried to accept my actions but in the end, divorce was the result. 

Birthday 2019 Recap

It's been almost a week since my birthday and I have not stopped to take the time and recap my lack luster day.  As usual, I worked on my birthday.  I didn't tell anyone at my new job that I was another year older.  My oldest daughter went to lunch with me.  We ate at a local wing place and had a nice conversation.  I'm happy that she is doing better but I'm still concerned about her and the medicines.  I went to my retail job that evening.  Nothing special.  Same shit as always just a different day.  During the course of the day I received a couple of  "Happy Birthday" texts from family but none from my friends.  I even got a "Happy Birthday" from the ex-wife.  And that's it.  Birthday done.

Coparenting Challenges

I'm trying my best to make this divorce work for the sake of my children.  They know that if they need anything that I can provide (besides my physical presence) then it's theirs.  With that said, I've made a few "pop up" visits to the house to drop off miscellaneous items the girls needed.  Sometimes I would knock and put it in someone's hands.  Other times I would leave the item and simply send a text message.  Apparently my ex-wife disapproves.  She sent me an email a few days ago that I only noticed by chance tonight.  She basically said to stop showing up at the house unannounced.  She said I know when my visitation times are and if I need to see the girls outside of those times, I have to inform her.  Cool. No problem.  I can handle that.  We've been divorced 3 months and just when I thought things were getting better, I realize they are getting worse.   

Birthday 2019

I'm another year older today. Yay! (Trust me, that was a very sarcastic yay.)  This is the first year since high school that I have not been in a relationship.  Twenty-four years I started dating my now ex-wife.  This year, I celebrate alone.  Well, not completely.  I talked to my eldest daughter today and she wanted to go to lunch with me so we could spend some time together.  Can't wait to see how that goes.  I'm not really expecting much of anything today other than a handful of Happy Birthday texts from family because my "friends" are few and far between.  Considering this post is just after midnight, I may try to do a daily recap once I come home for the night.

New Medicine Cocktail

My oldest daughter was released from the hospital last Tuesday.  She seemed to be ok after the ordeal but time will truly tell.  She was prescribed a nice mixture of medications to help her cope with life.  Hydroxyzine, sertraline and aripiprazole - anxiety, depression and depression.  I hope the medication is the right mix for here and she is able to cope.  I really don't want her to have the challenge of changing meds frequently until the right "mix" is determined by her doctors. 

Ain't No Jobs Out Here

I've been meaning to post this for almost a month but I've been busy and I've been procrastinating.  We constantly hear people say "ain't no jobs out here. Nobody's hiring."  To those people who feel the job market is garbage, I say this.... you are absolutely right.  There aren't any jobs out here - for lazy motherfuckers who don't want to hustle and grind.  All you entitled feeling motherfuckers can sit at home and be miserable.  Jobs are available to people like me.  I currently have 3 jobs - retail, fast food and technical support.  So don't say "ain't no jobs out here."  Say you don't really want to work.

Latest Family Issue

Yesterday my ex wife decided to take our oldest daughter to the hospital because she felt like our baby was in the early stages of depression.  When she told me, all I could think about was having to deal with her (ex wife) when she had her episodes years ago.  I want my daughter to get help but I hate that she has to experience the prison known as behavioral sciences.  I don't think my daughter has entertained any thoughts of suicide unlike the ex who tried to overdose of pills.  I wonder what has pushed her to this point.  Maybe it's the fact that she didn't pass her exam last December and is now sitting at how rather than pursuing her degree.  Maybe it's the fact that she's stuck at home with her bipolar mother.  Maybe it's the fact that the first real job she has ever gotten in her 22 years of life is working at Sonics (which is giving her lousy hours and she is not good at it apparently).  Maybe it's because she is trying to be strong for her 2 younger siblings because I asked her to when we discussed the divorce.  Maybe she is dealing with the demons of the molestation she went thru from her stepgrandfather (I guess that's what you would call him).  Whatever the reason, I hope she is able to open up to someone so she can start dealing. 

Guess She Doesn't Want My Help Anymore

I tried to leave both of my previous job correctly.  I provided each manager with a resignation letter and worked until the last possible day.  I wanted to leave on good terms in case the new job does not work out.  I made it clear that if I had any free time I would reach out to the old jobs and assist until they were properly staffed.  My retail pharmacy manager was thrilled to hear this and indicated that even if I only work a couple of hours every other week that would help.  Yesterday, however, my manager at my fast food job gave me a vibe like she was done with me completely.  I went by the store to tell her how my day went and to let her know about a employee who is coming back to the area and wants to work again.  I left the store and headed home.  She texted me and asked if I had left my keys to the store.  I had honestly not even thought about the keys.  I returned to the store after a while and gave them to her.  The fact that she wanted my store key kinda made me feel like she doesn't want me there.  That's fine. Life goes on.  I guess she doesn't want my help so I'll use my talents elsewhere. 

The New Job

The new job started yesterday.  It was a fairly typical first day.  I got a tour of the office.  I was shown where my desk is located.  I spent a good portion of the day creating usernames and passwords for all of the systems I will have to access.  My manager took me to lunch.  After lunch I had a online meeting with a member of the HR team to discuss benefits and payroll.  After the meeting, I read over some information.  I'm currently on lunch of day 2.  I spent my morning shadowing my manager and another tech.  After lunch I'll be shadowing someone working with another product.  So far, I like the new job.  We'll see what happens as the days pass by.

Complications of "The Process"

Going back to my post a week ago about my "girlfriend" wanting a baby, we decided to call the procedure "the process."  I did a little research on my end for the "process" and have noted a few early complications which I briefly discussed with her (we plan to have a more detailed conversation later).  As previously stated, the biggest hurdle to this process is my health.  I'm a terrible diabetic.  I don't eat right.  I don't check my blood sugar. I don't take my medicine properly.  That's 3 strikes right of the back.  Add to those 3 items that even if I was a good diabetic, heal time after surgery can be a monster.  Speaking of the surgery, a call to a local urologist clinic that performs the reversal provided the following info.  Just for the consultation - just to talk to someone about getting unfixed is $150.  Since most insurances will not pay for the procedure, the cost is $2500 due before the surgery.  Add to that the $1000 for the anesthesia.  Oh, forgot to mention the cost of the recovery room even though it is outpatient surgery.  I'm still waiting to get the price but I'm sure it's not cheap.  I'm guessing that it will cost about $5000+ in total for the reverse vasectomy.  Depending on the procedure used to reverse the vasectomy, it could take 6-12 months for sperm to stabilize -IF the surgery is successful.  All of this has to be taken care of before we get into the "process" of having a baby. 

Stop Saying Wife

I really have to work on my vocabulary.  I was at work the other day talking to a customer and I realized I was saying wife rather than ex-wife.  Co-workers ask how are the wife and kids and I respond. I'm not too sure if it's just habit of saying wife or if it's my way of not letting people know that I am divorced.  In any event, I have to make myself stop saying wife and call her what she is - my ex-wife. 

If They Only Knew

Most of my soon to be ex-coworkers are thrilled about my new job opportunity.  They are happy that I may be able to work just one job rather then trying to juggle two.  They are also happy that I should be able to spend more time with my family.  That's funny to me because they are unaware of my divorce.  I'm not the type of person who advertises my personal business so they don't know that I've been living away from my family for months.  If they only knew what really goes on in my life. 

Weird Dreams

I've had some weird dreams the last couple of nights.  Part of the problem is that I can't remember most of the dream which I know is typical.  The things I do remember are situations bringing together two elements that would never interact (at least I don't think they would). One dream had a previous manager of mine and myself in what appeared to be a basement.  We were just there talking and I think I was washing clothes.  The other dream occurred at my retail job.  A customer was asking about merchandise we stage behind the counter.  I told her to come behind the counter so she could get a better look and make a decision.  I turned my back to the register to help her for a second.  Then I felt someone bump into me.  It was another person who had come behind the counter but he was trying to access the cash register.  I leaned on his shoulder and whispered to him that he was on camera so he may want to cease and desist.  That's when I woke up.  I'm not sure what caused those dreams or if there is any meaning to them but they were indeed, weird.  

Stop Giving Advice

People come to me for advice for different reasons.  I don't know if it's because of my vast array of knowledge (jack of all trades - master of none) or if it's because they feel I will always be honest with them but people value my opinion.  That being said, I've run into situations recently where I have given what I considered good advice.  The individual(s) receiving the advice chose to ignore it and did their own thing.  This decision led to continued problems.  Here's my thing - why ask for my advice and then do the opposite?  In other situations, I chose not to give advice because I knew the individual would not follow my guidance.  This also led to an unhappy situation.  So what's the point??  If I give advice, people don't use it properly.  If I don't give advice, people get upset that I didn't try to steer them in the right direction.  Damned if I do. Damned if I don't. 
 

Valentine's Day 2019

Valentine's Day 2019 has come and gone and it was nothing like I expected.  The gifts I received for Valentine's Day came from my girlfriend last week.  She got me a card, bear and some candy.  The "Happy Valentine's Day" texts I received came from:  my ex-wife, my ex-at-work wife, a co-worker and my girlfriend.  And then there was work.  We were busy at both jobs.  I anticipated the fast food job being a little busy with schools/daycare facilities trying to do parties but we were busy beyond that.  The madness continued until the after dinner hours and unfortunately I was unable to stay and help because I had to be at my retail job at 4pm.  Of course the retail job was no better.  People were out last minute shopping hoping that Valentine Day items had been marked down. Nope! My retail job was busy until the after dinner hours also.  So all in all, VDay 2019 was uneventful and busy.

I'm So Sick of Love Songs (Not Really)

Valentine's Day 2019 is tomorrow.  The day of LOVE!  Never quit understood why you could only love someone on just one day but hey - somebody turned it into a billion dollar marketing day for candy, teddy bears and flowers.  Anyway, speaking of love, my love of R&B songs has been wavering a little recently.  I attribute it to my divorce.  It's a little hard to listen to songs that you created mixed tapes of or burned CDs of when you are no longer with a person after 20+ years.  But then again, I love music.  So regardless of who I am in love with (if anyone at all), my passion for great music won't die.  So I guess I really am not sick of love songs - I just have a different reason to like them. 

My Girlfriend Wants a Baby

My girlfriend recently approached me with the idea that she wants to have a baby.  For those of you keeping score at home, you will know that I use the term "girlfriend" loosely for obvious reasons. But considering I am actually divorced, I guess she could actually hold that title. Anyway - back to the topic.  She went on to inform me that she wanted me to be the father.  This is where things get complicated.  She initially didn't want her mother to look at me as some nigga who knocked her up so she had the idea of me simply donating my sperm.  In an ideal world, that might be a great idea.  In my world, not so much.  I have very strong genes.  My kids all look like me.  I'm sure this child would be no different so her mom would know who the "donor" was when the baby is born.  Moving on.  For those of you just joining the blog and for those who need a refresher, I'm fixed.  I got snipped after my last daughter was born about 9 years ago.  Therefore, in order for me to donate any sperm, I would require surgery to reverse my vasectomy.  With my diabetes, surgery becomes a problem because of slow healing and the risk of infections/complications.  I really want to try and help but I don't know if my health will allow me to be a baby daddy again.  

Signing Away Life As I Know It

Well, there's no going back now.  I turned in my resignation letters at both of my current jobs this past Saturday.   I just emailed my signed documents accepting my new position.  I've signed away my life as I currently know it (trying to work 2 jobs to survive) in hopes that this new one will be enough.  Only time and trying will tell.

My oldest baby is becoming a woman

Most parents will tell you that regardless of age, your children are always your babies.  I had to go by the house and pick up my oldest daughter to take her somewhere recently.  When I got there, she was not ready.  Dressed like a typical 20-something year old, she had on a sweatshirt, jeans and no makeup when I arrived.  I waited for her to get ready.  She returned with a wig that ran halfway down her back, a nice top, slacks and heels, plus her makeup was done. It was a complete transformation.  She had gone from being my little girl to a grown woman in a matter of minutes.  Either I'm getting old or my kids are growing up. 

My 2nd Greatest Fear

Failure has always been my greatest fear.  Not being able to accomplish something that I truly put effort into really gets to me.  My recent divorce is an example of such a failure.  My second greatest fear came up a couple of weeks ago.  I wasn't feeling well and was home alone.  I started to feel like it may be one of those cases where I needed emergency medical assistance.  What would normally happen would be me complaining and throwing up until my wife either forced me to go to the hospital or called an ambulance.  Unfortunately that did not happen and I tried to tough it out.  I survived but barely.  The episode made me think.  My second greatest fear, the fear of dying alone, has become a true possibility.  If I had passed out, it may have been days before someone found my body.  My second greatest fear is more of a reality than I would like for it to be.

Knock, knock. Who is it? Opportunity

An opportunity knocked on my door recently and I am still trying to determine if it is worth the risk.  While at my retail store job, I spoke with a customer who works for a local tech support company.  Based on what I said, he felt I would be a good candidate.  He provided me with his manager's email and phone number.  I gave my resume a much needed update since I had not been on a serious job hunt in 3 years.  I was then scheduled for a phone interview.  The interviewer liked our conversation and sent my information to the local manager.  I scheduled a face to face interview.  I spoke with the manager as well as 2 of the techs.  I think they were impressed with my skill set.  The manager asked me to come back and meet some of the other techs.  We're talking about 35k a year with benefits, vacation and 401k.  I've been crunching numbers to see if I can live off one job based on my recent divorce.  Opportunity is knocking.  I'm just hoping I don't let in a financial disaster. 

One Month Down, A Lifetime to Go

My divorce was finalized one month ago and filed in court.  It's amazing how things are supposed to change.  According to tax law, I get to file as "single" since the divorce occurred before 12/31/18.  I stopped wearing my wedding ring on my hand.  It now resides on a chain around my neck.  I still have not exercised my right to a weekend with the kids but that's because the divorce didn't impact my work schedule.  Many other things have happened since the divorce which I will discuss in other posts.  The most important thing is that I survived the first month. 

I May Be Done With Relationships

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship status while waiting for the divorce to finalize.  I've realized that I've invested over 2 decades of my life with one person (for the most part). I had a few "challenges." Hey - I'm no saint and I admit that.  But I also know that even though I'm in my early forties, at this point in my life, I don't feel like going through learning another person like I learned my ex-wife.  I think I'm going to go back to my childhood dream.  I'm going to tackle life on my own and my sole companion will be a dog. Lol

New Year - Same Old Me

I often tell people I'm not a fan of New Year's resolutions.  Now they may work for some people but I believe you can make a change any time, not just at the start of the year.  That being said, I'm starting 2019 off the way I ended 2018.  I'm going to be the same old me regardless.

I Hate When I'm Right About Bad Situations

Sometimes in life, you just have a feeling about a situation.  Something tugs at your soul and screams "warning" or "danger."  I had that feeling with the recent change at my job.  At first, I thought it was just the hater in me rearing its ugly head.  Unfortunately, it wasn't me hating.  The change has disrupted the balance I had worked hard for 2 months to build.  I'm almost to the point where I want to leave myself. 

New Sheriff in Town

I thought I was doing a fairly decent job at my fast food job in my new role.  I was trying to do everything in my power to help grow the business.  Because of this, I was literally working almost 60 hours per week. I was there every single day for some reason or another trying to help us get better.  Well, all that hard work was appreciated by the higher ups, but the overtime they were paying me apparently became a problem.  They brought in another store manager to help me.  I'm not saying that I don't appreciate the help but some of her methods are completely opposite of what I was trying to do with the team.  Also, on a more personal note, bring on another manager meant my hours had to get cut - drastically.  I won't know until my next paycheck how much of an impact this will have financially but I can't afford to make any less money in my current situation. 

Merry Christmas - Divorce Finalized

The fat lady has sung her heart out.  My divorce was filed in court on 12/26/18.  How's that for a Christmas present? It's not like I didn't know it was coming.  O well. Time to move on with life and see what the future brings.

Since my last post

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since my last post.  A lot has happened.  I kept saying I was going to post stuff but work, friends and fatigue got the best of me.  I'm going to try and post a few things now before work and maybe some more tonight when I get home. 

I Tried

I used to be one of those parents who could attend activities with my kids due to my work schedule.  When I worked overnight, it was never a problem to go on a field trip during the day or attend a function.  When I stopped working overnight, those opportunities went away.  Since I moved out of the house a few weeks ago because of the divorce, I have not seen my kids.  I was supposed to get them for visitation a couple of weekends ago but as always, I had to work.  These past Friday, my youngest had a part in a school program.  I was off that morning so I tried to go see it and more importantly, see her.  When I arrived, I was told the program was not open to the general public.  I asked could I go in because my child had a part.  I was still told no.  Disappointed, I just walked away and texted my wife. I tried. 

She Finally Found Out

I had purposely avoided telling my "girlfriend" about my pending divorce.  I didn't want her to blame herself.  Also, I didn't want to impact her decision making in regards to moving.  She came back into town last week to deal with some personal business.  She came by to say while I was at work.  I told her about what was going on and she reacted as I expected.  I really didn't want to tell her but I was tired of trying to shield her from my unfortunate truth. 

Dear Customer

Couple of quick laughs from the Dear Customer files.

1.  Listen to the phone prompts:  when you call my retail pharmacy job, there is a nice phone tree that will guide you to customer service, the pharmacy or the photo department.  My problem is that people don't listen to the prompts.  I've spoken to lots of people who are checking on a prescription that was called in by their doctor only to put them on hold and transfer them to the pharmacy so they can repeat the whole story again!

2. Is your drug store open:  I love dealing with elderly people.  The way they refer to things is timeless.  I had a lady come in the other day and ask if the drug store was open.  My first thought was "Yes. You just walked in the door."  Then I realized she was referring to the pharmacy!  Yes mam.  The drug store is in the back and it is open for business.   

Say Hello to Your Wife

I have not told anyone other than my mother about my pending divorce.  I don't want my coworkers giving their opinion and feedback.  That being said, I've been working more now because of my new leadership role with my fast food job.  I was talking to one of my superiors the other day and he made the comment "Say hello to your wife. I'm sure she would love to see you some time since you're working so much."  Funny he would say something like that when I am trying to limit communication with her to a bare minimum.   

WTF Moment - I Hate Niggas

This morning reminded me of why I hate niggas. Now for those who are reading this, don't for a single second think that my previous statement was in any way racist.  I'm not referring to "nigga" as a derogatory term referring to black people cause I'm black myself.  The "nigga" I'm referring to can be any color/race.  These "niggas" are lazy, crazy or stupid.  Here's the situation(s).  I had to go to the laundromat this morning.  So at 6am I drove to the location near my hotel.  As soon as I parked, a guy approached me.  He asked me how many loads of clothes I needed to wash.  He told me he could provide me with a lifetime blessing for $7.  He then proceeds to enter the laundromat with me and takes me to a machine.  He presses a button on the machine and it registers like coins are being entered.  So he has discovered a machine with a short and is using it to hustle people.  Straight nigga shit! I told him thanks but I would use another machine.  As I waited for my clothes to wash, I observed him try to run the same scheme of several people.  Really?! Nigga - put that effort into finding a job rather than begging.  Now for part 2.  Another patron entered the laundromat.  He walked to a machine as if he had left his clothes and was returning to put them in the dryer.  He asked me if I saw anyone go to the machine.  After I said no, he looked sick. He walked around checking all the washers and dryers.  He realized someone had stolen his clothes while he was gone.  Again, nigga shit.  How you gonna steal somebody clothes at the laundromat? 

A Bitch Named Karma

I am a huge fan of sayings and quotes especially when they are impactful.  Karma is a bitch always remains at the top of my list. As a friend of mine used to say, the universe has a way of righting the wrong and karma is that way.  As I stated in my previous post, I moved out of my house last Thursday and left it for my wife and kids as we continue going thru this divorce.  Monday night, my wife texted me and asked if I could text my youngest daughter's phone because she was worried that I had not called or seen them.  Yesterday my wife called and asked if I would be able to assist her financially any this month.  Prior to her call, I had tried to check to make sure the utilities were paid but she has changed all the logins and passwords.  I asked what she needed because I had to make sure I could take care of myself.  I have yet to get a response. That bitch named karma has struck again. 

Off On My Own

As I continue on this journey of divorce, things are changing.  Last week I moved out of the house I worked so hard to get.  My wife wanted me to "stop torturing" her and our 2 younger daughters by remaining there.  Also, she had applied for government assistance stating I was already gone.  My original plan was to try to survive in my car for a couple of weeks to save money to get an apartment.  My mother wasn't trying to hear that.  She insisted that I find a hotel and she would assist with paying if necessary.  Luckily I was able to find an extended stay hotel for $250 per week.  So it's basically like having a one room apartment. I have a 42" tv (which I don't watch), fridge, microwave, 2 electric burners for cooking, bathroom with shower and most importantly a bed.  I knew with this divorce I would be off on my own.  Just didn't think it would be this soon and under these circumstances. 

Eat My Own Words

When talking about the women in my life and ranking their importance, I usually explain it as:

1.  My mother comes first.  She shaped me into the man I have become (for the most part). 
2.  My girls come second.  They are each unique in their own way and cannot be replaced.
3.  Wife or girlfriend.  Divorce and breakups happen daily.  She's replaceable.

As much as I have said that in the past, I never thought I would have to actually eat my own words and go through a divorce.  After 20+ years of being together, once the ink on the paperwork dries, I guess it will be time to start searching for a replacement.    

The Nail in the Coffin

The final nail has been placed on the coffin.  It's just a matter of time before this casket is sealed shut.  My wife presented me with the divorce papers when I got home tonight.  She had already signed her name and the date.  I should have known because she asked me was I going to sign them.  We discussed some of the details such as the parenting class we have to attend and the fact the documents have to be notarized since I waived my right to an attorney.  I told her I would try to be out of the house asap so she can move on with her life.  We talked about visitation which I said was not important because once I leave, I won't have a residence to stay in.  We talked about our assets and how our debt would be settled.  It all went in one ear and out of the other.  All I heard was the imaginary sound of a hammer slowly tapping a nail.  During our wedding vows, we said until death do us part.  Guess we're dead to each now. 

I Used to Love Halloween

Years ago, Halloween was my favorite holiday.  It was one day of the year you could be anybody you wanted and no one judged you too terribly.  I used to go all out.  I would decorate my front yard and house.  I would decorate at work if the company allowed.  I would have these awesome Halloween bashes with my closest friends (check previous blogs for more insight.)  But now, Halloween means nothing to me.  I don't decorate anything.  My friends have all moved away so no parties.  I don't even get excited about Halloween candy and I work in a retail pharmacy store full of it!  I used to love Halloween but somewhere along the way, I lost sight of its magic. 

I Don't Know What To Think

As this divorce get closer and closer to being finalized, things are getting more stressful and weirder.  My wife and I were already barely talking but we are to a point now where communication is almost nonexistent.  This morning I walked past her in the kitchen.  Not a word was said.  When we do talk, it's something about the divorce.  She has been pressing me to go ahead and move out.  Easier said than done.  I'm a forty-year old man with no friends I can turn to for assistance.  The people I work with are either married or young so I can't lean on them for a place to stay.  Obviously if I can't afford to maintain the house we are in, how can I afford to get an apartment to live in?  Now, here's a twist.  Although she wants me out of the house, she called me twice last week asking if I was coming directly home after work.  She wanted to go out and our house guest was not home.  Soooo you want me to move out but you want me at the house when you need me?  I don't know what to think. 

The Cycle of Life

It's funny how life treats us sometimes.  This past weekend, my sister-in-law got married.  My wife and daughters attended the service.  If things continue moving at the current pace, I'll be signing divorce papers within a week.  Funny how one life starts and another one ends.  I guess that's how things go to maintain balance in the universe. 

WTF Moment - Strange Dream

Like most people, I usually don't remember my dreams.  The ones I do remember often have something dramatic or traumatic occur which makes them stand out.  I should have blogged about this yesterday when I initially awoke from the dream but it was strange and I had a lot of other things on my mind. 

So apparently in this dream, I was attending some type of gathering or party near the residence of one of my co-workers.  It was an outdoor event but it did not seem to centralized at one particular residence because I remember people walking by and cars passing on the street.  I'm guessing it was some type of block party.  My co-worker approached me while I was outside talking to one of her male family members.  Seemed like a father or uncle based on the conversation.  He walked into the house and she walked out in a sundress.  Now mind you of two things.  One: my co-worker is a very attractive young lady but she has a boyfriend so I have made no attempts at her.  Two:  I have only seen her in work clothes so this sundress look was completely my imagination at its best.  She came over and started talking to me.  After a few minutes, she asked if I wanted to sit down rather than standing and talking.  She suggested we sit in the trunk part of my SUV.  I could tell this was a dream made vehicle because the trunk area was enormous.  We were able to climb into to back and sit comfortably with no problem.  We continued to talk and at one point she straddled me.  She was slightly aggressive and told me not to hold back because she knew that I wanted her.  Frozen with confusion, I just laid there.  The next thing I knew, another male family member was snatching her off of me and out of the SUV.  The person I had spoken with earlier grabbed me and said it was time for me to leave and never come back.  That's when I woke up.  I'm not sure what sparked that foolishness.  

Shit just got real

My wife and I have toyed with the idea of getting a divorce many times over the course of our 14 year marriage.  This time, however, shit has gotten real.  She provided me with a draft of the divorce papers last night so I could read over them and see if I wanted to add anything.  After our conversation, she told me that she would submit the documents back to her friend to write up the final draft.  Based on that, I'll probably be signing divorce papers next week. It's been a unique ride but it looks like it's about to come to an end. 

The Great Dog Caper

Anyone that knows me, knows I have dogs.  My most recent two were a shepard terrier mix weighing about 40 pounds and a lab bloodhound mix weighing about 50 pounds.  I look to these animals as companions and protectors.  The kids enjoy having them around and interact with them frequently.  Back toward the end of August, my dogs disappeared.  Normally if they got out of the yard, they would walk the neighborhood and come back so I was not too concerned.  However, days passed by without any sign of them.  I started calling animal control in my area as well as all the local animal hospitals hoping for a break. A staff member at one of the animal hospitals contacted me when she saw a picture of one of the dogs on Facebook.  Someone had found my terrier mix and turned her in to an animal hospital several miles away.  I was able to retrieve her with no problem.  A week and a half passed by before I found my lab mix.  She had been living in a ditch and someone turned her in to the same animal hospital.  They contacted me and it was a happy reunion.  Or so I thought.  I kept wondering how my dogs ended up several miles away from home in the next town.  I thought someone had dognapped them.  Come to find out my wife drove the dogs to the next town and tried to get rid of them.  She felt the animals had become an unnecessary expense with all the debt we currently have.  This past week, the dogs supposedly took some food from the stove.  My wife told me we had to get rid of them.  She called animal control and had them picked up.  Good news is that I solved the Great Dog Caper.  Unfortunately, I still ended up losing my dogs.   

Dear Customer

I've been wanting to write this post for a while but procrastination is one of my best friends.  Over the course of my career I have worked for a grocery chain, two retail pharmacies, two pizza companies and two call centers.  Often times there are things as employees we wish we could say so that people outside the industry could better understand us.  This post will list a few of those things but is NOT an all-inclusive list. 

1.  Mr/Mrs Customer - you are just that, a customer.  You are not my mother, my father or my significant other.  I don't owe you shit. Thank you and have a great day.
2. When you walk in the door and I speak, you could at least turn your head and acknowledge my gesture.  Trust me, if I didn't have to try and greet every motherfucker that comes in, then I wouldn't.  Unfortunately my company deems it necessary. I'm not asking to have a conversation.  Just look in the direction of my voice and simply say "hello."
3. If I could get paid minimum wage or better to stand at the front counter and do nothing but wait on customers, I would.  But guess what?  My company gets every fucking penny worth out of me.  So my daily tasks include but are not limited to:  checking out customers, stocking shelves, assisting customers find items in the store, taking out trash, cleaning the bathrooms, counting the money,  getting the money to the bank, running and analyzing reports, changing prices, changing merchandise displays and putting shit back where it belongs because your lazy ass threw it behind something on the wrong fucking aisle.
4.  The food you receive will NEVER look like that shit on television.  Unless you don't have cable and internet, everyone should now know about the tricks and techniques that companies use to make a product look mouth-watering on television versus what you really get.  So unless we have totally fucked up your food, take that shit and get out of my restaurant.
5. I'm human.  I'm entitled to a mistake on super duper rare occasions.  In this world of perfection, there are still a few of us who can't always get it right.  If I fuck up, I'll take full responsibility and try to correct my mistake.  However, if the mistake occurs because your dumbass can't operate a smartphone, all bets are off.
6.  You are not my only customer.  I'm sorry that you are in a hurry and just want to pay and go but I can't make this 70 year old woman move any faster.  Either be patient and wait and take your ass elsewhere.  We're not the only place in town that sells what you want.
7.  Unless you see self checkout registers, someone is working in the store.  Please reread #3.  When you approach the register, walk up to the counter and place your merchandise there.  That lets me know that you are ready to pay.  Continuing to fumble around the front of the store and picking up random shit makes me think you are still browsing.  Also, yelling "hello! is anyone working?" is a sure fire way to get mean mugged.
8. Control your bad ass kids.  I'm either in a restaurant or a retail pharmacy environment currently when I work.  I don't have time or patience for your rug rats to tear shit up for me to have to fix later. 
9. I don't know everything.  As much as I would love to be, I am not omnipotent.  I know enough to be dangerous but I don't know it all. I'll provide you with as much information as possible to try and help but don't get mad because I can't answer your dumb ass question.
10.  Prices change.  Please stop coming in and saying "well last week, i paid..." You are absolutely right. Last week you did pay less but guess what.  Inflation happens and as a company, we decided to pass the cost on to you. 

My Girlfriend is Moving

A few months ago, my girlfriend informed me that she is moving out of state.  I encourage the move because I feel she needs a fresh start away from family and friends so she can reinvent herself and be successful.  Well, life happens and her move was delayed.  She plans on leaving at the end of next month now.  People that know she and I are close (they don't know that we are involved) have asked both of us separately, if I am okay with her leaving.  I guess it's because I am her current go-to when things get rough.  As I stated earlier, I am encouraging her to move.  I just have to keep telling myself it is for the best. 

Facing Reality

My wife and I have been together for over 20 years.  We met in high school and have basically been involved ever since.  We've been married 14 of those years and are the parents of 3 beautiful girls.  We've had our good times and bad times but we've survived.  Unfortunately, it is time to bring an end to our survival.  I know that I have personally brought up the idea of divorce several times in the past when we were having problems but failed to get the procedure done.  Based on our most recent disagreements, we have decided to proceed with a divorce.  She is currently getting advice from a friend who happens to be a lawyer but has not hired a lawyer.  (When you figure out how the hell that works, please let me know.)  My wife talked to me the other day and advised me that her friend would draw up the legal documents for the divorce as long as we agreed on the terms.  Our agreement would prevent us from having to go to court and dealing with a judge.  She was informed the procedure could take as little as 3 months but could go longer depending on if there are any complications.  So I could possibly be single again at the start of 2019.  Guess it's time to face reality and start preparing for our separation. 

Never Have I Ever

I remember playing Never Have I Ever with my peers at some of our old gatherings.  It was amazing to hear people come up ridiculous things they had done to try and top each other.  More recently, however, I've been playing my own personal game of Never Have I Ever and I'm not liking the outcome.  My finances have gone from bad to worst to hell.  A couple of weeks ago my cell phone was turned off due to nonpayment.  It was nice to not receive multiple calls daily from creditors trying to collect but I was worried about missing important messages from friends and family.  Then yesterday was the big one.  My wife called me while I was at work and told me a tow truck was at the house looking for my vehicle.  I told him where I was located and he came to repossess my vehicle.  Never have I ever been in such a financial bind. 

Current Relationship Status

When filling out basic paperwork like: job applications, tax documents, apartment/housing leases etc. there is usually a section about your marital status. The choices are single, married, divorced, widowed.  In today's society, the categories need to be updated.  They should include options such as: dating, fresh out of a serious relationship and open relationship.  That's where my current relationship status would fall.  Throw on your thinking caps for this one.  I'm married.  I have a girlfriend which my wife is aware of.  She has a boyfriend who I've met and talked to like an old friend. Hope you got all that.  I'll explain how we got to this point as I continue to update and add posts to this blog. 

Where Should I Begin?

Here we are 6 months down the road since my last post.  I thought I had left out stuff before but now it's even worse.  I've got so much going on in my life, I could probably write 3 separate blogs.  One would be dedicated to work.  One would have to cover my finances.  And the last would detail my personal life.  Of course the 3 would intertwine because you can't have one without the other.  I know I said this last time but I am really going to have to get back to posting to this blog.  The good thing about this is that it's not social media like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat.  You'd really have to stumble across it to know that it even exists.  So what I post will basically be lost in cyberspace until someone gets super bored and decides to read it. And even at that point, unless you really know me, you won't be able to connect all the pieces because I think I do a pretty good job of not mentioning names. 

Damn it! I Hate Deja Vu sometimes!

I feel like I've been down this road before and I really hate how things went.  I've become involved with a female friend.  She has a boyfriend.  I know my role and stay in my place.  We had a conversation yesterday which alarmed me.  She told me that she "gave in" to him and then had sex. I have no problem with that.  They are both consenting adults.  My problem came up when she said he got rough with her.  She didn't go into details but I'm sure she will eventually.  I'm not a fan of any male who puts his hands on a female when she does not ask for it.  I'm not a fan of guys who sweet talk women into sexual acts they are uncomfortable with.  This scenario happened before and I really don't want to see a sequel. 

Why Am I Mad?

I'm usually a pretty laid back person.  I don't let things get to me and I don't hold grudges.  I just keep it pushing and let karma deal with others.  Don't get me wrong, I do get frustrated from time to time especially since I work in fast food and retail.  My jobs aren't the source of my frustration right now though.  I had a conversation with a close friend of mine last night.  She and I are super close and hang out frequently.  Yesterday she decided to do something nice for her boyfriend for his birthday.  She planned to take him out to eat.  The restaurant they chose was packed so they ended up getting a hotel room.  Still not too sure why they couldn't find another place to eat.  Anyway all he wanted to do was fuck.  She has not crossed that line with him yet so the situation was uncomfortable.  He started to play rough and she had to make him stop.  He fell asleep so she texted me to meet her.  She told me about what happened.  She told me she needed to see me because she wanted to feel safe.  I was fairly quiet during the conversation last night but it's been on my mind ever since.  So now I'm asking myself - Am I mad because she went to a hotel with this dude or am I mad because of the fact that he scared her?  I don't know but I wish I could figure it out so I can move on.

It's Been A Long Time

I can't believe I forgot about this blog.  So much has happened since my last post.  I don't even know where to begin.  There's no way for me to remember and post about all the foolishness that is my life.  Guess I'll try to get back into posting every few days.  I've got a lot on my mind these days and I have to get it out somehow.  I guess taking back to the blog will be my best option. 

I Can't Swim and I'm Drowning in Debt

I know that a lot of people face financial problems.  It's the way of the world.  We live outside of our budget trying to survive. My problem is that my budget has changed and been altered due to no fault of my own.  Last December I was demoted at one of my jobs because I was unwilling to travel 3-4 hours away from home to work with no notice.  Sorry but I have 2 school age daughters so I can't just up and leave.  I also have a second job through which I have my health insurance.  I have to maintain a certain number of hours per week to receive those benefits.  So the demotion cost me about $300 per month.  I filed my taxes as soon as I had all the necessary paperwork, hoping to play catch up.  Unfortunately, the US Dept. of Education caught up with my tax refund first and took all of it because my wife was not paying on her student loans.  Oh the joy of filing married and jointly.  We are currently trying to get the money back since her loans are supposed to be written off.  As of yesterday however, we are 4 months behind on the mortgage so we are at the point of foreclosure.  My account is already overdrafted because I'm trying to keep the lights and water on.  I need supplies to take care of my diabetes but I can't afford to order them.  I also need a doctor to write new prescriptions for the supplies but I can't afford an office visit.  As the title of this post states, I'm drowning in debt.  And the way things are looking, I may be going under with no hope of survival. 

Release Therapy

It's been a long time since I posted anything to this blog.  I was actually wondering if it still existed.  I really need this in my life right now.  I need an outlet.  I need somewhere I can get stuff off my chest and out of my mind.  My blog used to be that place.  I think it needs to be that place again.  This is where I will have my release therapy.